Monday, June 26, 2017

serial numbers

after last year's washing machine related basement flood, we bought a brand new washing machine. we felt that meant we wouldn't have to worry about major break-downs for a while. but unfortunately, just after our year warranty expired, we started having trouble with it. so I had a repairman come in, and he told me that the part we needed would cost $400 (not including labour). this is more than half of what we paid. I was pretty frustrated and disappointed. so today I called the manufacturer, in hopes that they might be able to do something (apparently some machine parts have a longer warranty), and thankfully they agreed to a one-time courtesy repair. I am relieved. I'm hoping it will be as straightforward as that, and there won't be any surprises. it also redeems my opinion of this particular manufacturer. 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

i'm in need of a little agency in my life. i want a break from exterior factors, things completely unrelated to me, impacting how i spend my time. i'm looking forward to august, when i can figuratively throw my hair up, and get organized.

saturday (and sunday) in the park

i really enjoyed SPAF this weekend. it was probably the first year since i was pregnant with eamon that i felt i could just sit and enjoy the festival. we're in this funny reprieve between eamon's busy baby/toddler years and otis's busy baby/toddler years. although otis can crawl, he's not getting into everything. and he can still nap on the fly.

it was nice because i often feel a lot of anticipation leaving for the festival in the morning, and then in the evening, head to bed with a "well, that's it for this year" kind of feeling. but having a second day of festival was really nice. it felt different from yesterday, probably partly because it was slightly different crowd to hangout with.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

it's been a long time coming, i guess. but it's still noteworthy. i sent in my resignation to bbd. while i have never once seriously considered returning after this maternity leave, i was hesitant to hit that 'Send' button. it just made it very final. i'll have to return my company credit card, and my ID, and complete an exit interview, but other than that, i'm done. well... as of august 11. they sent me a PDF of the "exit procedure" that i'll have to look over at some point. i'm not sad. but feel a little nervous. that job has provided some security, despite how unstable the company was.

i do relish having my freedom, and knowing that my days are not numbered with otis. i'm relieved i won't have to go through the process of leaving my baby at daycare, and feeling exhausted a lot of the time from working full time and being a mom to small kids. we'll learn to be tighter with our money, which we have done in the past, just not lately. and i have a few irons in the fire, but i won't get into that right now.

i'm grateful for my career at bbd, even though it ended on a negative note. it's as though i stayed longer than i should've. or maybe just long enough to know it was right to move on.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

silent

brendan is away at a work conference. while he was away, his computer crapped out on him, so we can't facetime or email. i thought he would call this evening, but he hasn't. i'm disappointed. it's not that i have anything i need to tell him, and it's not that i need to hear from him, but i'm disappointed because of my expectations.

i don't really know what to do with myself. i could go to bed, but i'm not really sleepy. i could cross stitch some more, but i don't really feel like it. i think i feel slightly off, because my norm is shifted.

now, i don't want to get all gushy about brendan. i do miss him, and am looking forward to him returning tomorrow. i find it quite fascinating that our 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up, and i have never once grown tired or bored of him. he still has stories to tell me that i don't know. he still surprises me, and impresses me.

i suppose i shouldn't feel mad that he hasn't called. no doubt that he wanted to call, and wasn't able to for whatever reason.

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

sump

lately i've been experiencing some anxiety. knots in my stomach. unwelcome unease. i thought at first it was circumstantial, and maybe it is or was, but it seems to be grabbing hold of me and i can't shake it. at times like this, i often think "if only i could sit and rest, i'll feel better" or "if only i could get some stuff done, i'd feel better". and neither seem to be helping.

perhaps it's just a season of adjustment, in one particularly area of my life. and once i get into a new rhythm, i'll feel more at peace. or maybe i'll just have to look forward to the end of this short chapter, and know that this pressure will let up once it reaches conclusion.

in recent years, it does seem like external factors have been making me more anxious than stuff in my own life.

i think i've been hand crafting for 3 hours now. which means that otis has been sleeping that whole time. i suppose it's time to get him up, and get busy.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

one of my favourite sounds is a lawn mower cutting grass. not only is it lovely white noise, it conjures up summer feelings. a relaxed pace of life. a departure from regular routines. eamon, otis and i sat out on the back deck watching brendan mow the lawn this evening. the sky was blue, the grass was deep green. eamon had a snack, i had a cider, and otis kept grabbing at evening – keeping life interesting. it was a sweet, sweet moment in my day.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

confused

i am glad that mental health concerns are being normalized in our culture. everyone struggles with their mental health sometimes, even if not everyone has a serious diagnosed condition.

one thing i'm confused about though, is there a difference between an unhealthy person and someone with mental illness. i'm certain i have known people in life who are self-destructive, and they make a negative impact on the lives of the people around them. i have learned to be guarded with such people. i have lost friendships when the toxicity just became too much for me to manage.

so i get confused by these ads that i see that compares mental health with physical illnesses. with the message that you would never ditch someone for having diarrhea, and mental illness is just as real. true. but does everything fit under the mental illness umbrella? where's the line between mental illness and someone making destructive choices. are we supposed to endure everything others dish out? because mental and emotional problems impact others in a much different way than physical illness. and it can take its tole on relationships.

truth be told. i really don't know. i want to be loving all the time, but find sometimes i get burned.