vests

i've come to quite like blogging in the morning. i dunno why, i guess it's just a nice start to the day.

the drive into work this morning was treacherous. it took me at least 45 minutes. i put on my winter-driving thinking cap and managed pretty well. that's quite an accomplishment because driving slowly does not come naturally to me. it's really neat though how driving less than 40 km/h, on a road that one usually drives at 110 km/h, can really increase one's control of a motor vehicle, thus remaining on the pavement instead of the ditch. as i drove i wondered to myself why the heck i was bothering - the roads were madness and i don't consider it worth the stress. however, now that i've arrived all is fine. the roads were ok until i hit collins bay. i was relieved too soon because i'd been pleased by how smooth the drive had been up until that point. once i crossed collins bay road the streets were no longer plowed and the path was not clearly marked from other cars. my trusty mojomobile sputtered and rumbled as it tried to make it's way up the big hill on taylor-kidd, and i found myself speaking words of encouragement like "it's ok" and "come on (you can do it)". i know it's just a car, and can neither hear what i'm saying nor respond in kind, but i think there's something to be said about recognizing that i'm not as in control of the car as i might think. sure, i'm operating it - steering and providing acceleration, but whether it stays on the road or not is generally a result of powers beyond myself. for the last half of my commute my heart was up in my throat and i maneuvered stiffly as i saw oncoming traffic every few seconds. i happened to notice heather driving in the car behind me and felt some comfort in knowing that she's a big person and could easily lift me from a snow bank in heroic fashion if need be. thankfully once i past county road 6 the roads were clear and i could exhale.

i'd be lying if i said it wasn't scary. i wondered if perhaps it would've been better to take bath road instead of taylor-kidd but i always have visions of fish-tailing and ending up in lake ontario. one would expect that having an SUV with 4-wheel drive i would be quite safe, but that's not entirely true - it just means i fish-tail with all 4 wheels instead of just 2. one of these years i'm going to invest in snow tires and that will probably improve my driving conditions. however, the mojomobile is significantly better than the batmobile. i happened to notice a little chevette stuck in a few inches of snow, and i was quite happy to have my tall CRV.

it seems the girls who live below me have tampered with the heat. last night it was -5 outside and my furnace didn't kick on at all. i think they've gone away for a few days. i've left them a note asking them to turn up the thermostat and reminded them that it heats the whole house. for the last 2 years it's been more hot than not in my house so it seems pretty obvious that they've tampered with the settings my landlord set it at.

sometimes brendan tells me that he's drinking apple juice in the kitchen while i work on logos in my bedroom. the next thing i know he has all my dishes done.

give me all your warmth,
give me all your smiles,
give me all the sunshine.

jam

upon hearing her kind words i promptly slipped down her stairs.

each morning i lie in bed much longer than i should, hitting the snooze button roughly 6 times. i have my clock radio tuned to a local station, i feel talk radio isn't enough to wake me, so i don't have it set on the cbc as i do my other radios. the station is hit and miss, sometimes it plays good songs, other times it plays trash (the trash motivates me to turn off the alarm and get out of bed). i've begun to notice that it's selection is limited, to the point that during the few minutes that i listen each morning, 9 days out of 10 will they play this one particular popular song. i consider this to my advantage because after hearing it so much i've come to really like it. sometimes i think "if i just lie here long enough i'm sure it will come on". then it does and i'm all like "ooOOHHh yaaaa.....". i don't know what it is, nor do i particularly care. it's half fun being right, and half fun getting to wake up to a song that i dig. this has happened before. i'm sure as the song fades in popularity it'll stop happening, but it'll start with a different song soon enough – this is not the first time this has happened.

i feel like i just lost my twitter virginity :S out of principle i didn't want to hop on the twitter bandwagon. unfortunately, bbd has joined (because social media is the way of the future. all i can think is "what kind of nerd wants to follow a train manufacturer THAT closely :S anyways) and they need me to provide a photo for the background. so i had to bite the bullet and go to the website to check out what the dimensions are and what i had to work with. i don't know any twitterers, so i ended up looking up oprah because i've heard that she tweets. if you folks have some feed suggestions i'd appreciate it because i'm pretty much walking blind here.

we are bound by symmetry.

sequin

every year i get dressed up and go to my work christmas party. it's always a good time, and it's nice to have something to dress to the nines for. the only down side is that i always go alone and have hoped that someday i'll have someone special to take with me. this year brendan came. it was very fun, and he did well socializing with all my colleagues – many of which are nearly 40 years older than him. marilyn and knickers couldn't make it so he only had the pleasure of meeting frank (well, he met other people too, but as far as significant workmates, he only got to meet frank). he really liked him though and told me that if he worked at bbd he'd be friends with frank too. i really like frank's wife rita, she's really fun and loud, they're a great couple.

over the last few weeks i've been planning brendan's outfit, and it turned out super good. he even wore some suspenders that are all paisley and awesome. they weren't really visible from under his vest but rita caught a glimpse of him and really liked them. she said the fact that they're not really seen makes them like a garter belt – "very sexy" :p my dress was less fancy than some of the other girls, but i liked it, it was unique because it's red, meanwhile everyone else was dressed in black.

i'd told brendan about my friend atousa who i go walking with at lunch time. she's larger than life and as soon as he met her he could see that i was not exaggerating. she's really funny, and VERY extroverted, she wanted for us to walk around to each table smoozing. it was quite the experience.

our food was good and drinks were free. atousa got me up dancing to "mony mony" by billy idol, which was followed by "rasputin". unfortunately she said that because she's persian she doesn't know how to dance so she was copying all my dance moves – this is unfortunate because i'm not a great dancer :S however, it was fun and she didn't know the difference. b sat out which was totally fine, i wouldn't make anyone dance if they didn't want to. however, "wonderful tonight" by eric clapton (who is a bit of an achilles heal for b) came on, so we did one slow dance (there weren't many, in fact that was the first of the evening). i'd requested a marvin gaye song, but it didn't come on by the time we left after 11.

b did very well, and i think it was interesting for my colleagues to see me with a man. some of the women would watch us with smiles on their faces. it turns out that my colleague francisco's new wife is the mother of b's friend mike from highschool. too funny. they had a nice chat about that because b and mike had just hungout last week! haha.

turned my whole world upside down.

rattail

i got the h1n1 vaccine this evening. my arm is feeling a little sore, but other than that it was ok. i'd heard it was an especially painful needle but it really wasn't. i uncharacteristically felt nervous about getting the shot, but once it was in my arm it was totally fine. i kept reminding myself that i'm very accustomed to needles and it would be fine. i used to get allergy shots, and at the beginning got them as frequently as twice a week. i'm kind of glad that i'm so familiar with them, i feel like it's a good skill to possess – getting needles without batting an eye.

i've concluded that i really like december. not because of christmas, and not because of my birthday. it's truly a good month. even the word december is aesthetically pleasing.

i had a lovely time at book/knitting club tonight, except i didn't actually do any knitting. i'm at a bit of a tricky spot and i really need to concentrate to get past it. however, it was fun getting together and swoping stories. michelle gave us really lovely mittens for christmas :) and the girls all really liked my hair which was nice because i was having some doubts about it today.

sometimes it's funny to read back over old emails from years and years ago. awesome.

fire in the taco bell.

translucent

sometimes by fluke my boyfriend eats dinner with my former best friend. sometimes these occasions involve cake & flowers, other times they debate natalie portman.

have you ever found yourself suddenly free from something you didn't want to do in the first place? does it leave you feeling completely elated?? that's how i'm feeling right now. a little piece of freelance logoing fell out of my lap last evening, and i can't remember when i last felt so relieved. i feel that i've learned a valuable lesson - that i should not agree to do things that will cause me stress and anxiety. it's amazing the difference in my heart and head now that i'm free from what felt like a massive burden. i know in reality it wasn't as big a stress other people deal with, but in this time and place it was more than i could bear, and suddenly everything else feels like soft and fluffy loveliness that i get to wrap myself in.

and to top it all off, my house is getting more and more tidy all the time. which is fantastic! last night i cleared off my chaotic desk!

i like it when other people can see happiness in me. that it's apparent and that it makes them happy to see :)

my face smells like mexico. i used the lotion from our swanky mexican hotel this morning and it's scent is transporting me back to a place and time when i shared a suite with 4 friends. incredibly fun times for sure. it's insane to think that was just this year. a LOT has happened since then, i sure know how to pack it in :D awesome. man, that was a great trip. great trip indeed.

your smile is a sweetener that really makes my day.

tweet

early yesterday evening i had some spare time on my hands so i decided to file a years worth of bills. i had a large stack of papers, some going back as far as summer 2007. i sat on my floor making piles and in the end was very pleased with myself. the reason why this is noteworthy is because i VOLUNTARILY filed papers. i actually had the spare time and the spare head space to spend on a menial task such as filing. i wasn't feeling stressed. i wasn't feeling pressure. i wasn't doing it because i had to. i had the room to breathe, to move around freely. and in that moment of freedom i chose to be productive. wow. i guess what struck me is that when i don't feel suffocated i can accomplish the same tasks as i would when i feel stressed, but it feels very different. i think the reason why i didn't feel stressed is because i had rest. not sleep specifically, but rest. when i'm well-rested life doesn't seem so hard.

when i was a kid i was really easy going. my family would always say "lesley will never get an ulcer". but as i got older something changed, perhaps i wasn't equipped to cope with difficulties. but i've become someone who gets overwhelmed easily. i wonder if that's just a result of unbalance. i want to strive to be more realistic. to plan in time for rest and unwinding. i think it will make me a better person. that being said, it's come to my attention that i am still pretty easy-going. when my feathers get ruffled i get pretty worked up, but by in large, not a lot ruffles my feathers. when i'm around a more uptight person i very easily slip into an easy-going role, which i like.

you get sweeter and sweeter,
in every possible way.

kaleidoscope

it was awful and hilarious at the same time. i'm amazed i'm not traumatized. perhaps i am more easy-going that most people, because i can guarantee that normal people wouldn't find it funny.

i've felt sick all day so brendan brought me some gingerale. it's probably helped, but it's hard to say. the only downside is that it has caffeine in it, so i'm a little bit wired. however, i'm going to get into bed anyways, even if i end up lying there awake for a bit. or..... i'll get into my pjs and watch late night tv til i fall asleep on the couch. that's a good option too. or the ever popular... curl up into a ball while listening to music activity. that's a favourite of mine as well.

tomorrow is the first of december, which means my birthday is upon me. i have mixed feelings about this. thankfully the only thing that actually changes is the number. i do have anxiety surrounding birthdays, but on the bright side i'm really no older on my birthday than i am the day before. the funny thing is that once the number clicks over to a new one i'm gleeful and never look back. so bearing that in mind, i plow forward planning my birthday celebration, and know that it'll be special and enjoyable :)

it starts to rain outside
in our phone booth we hide
it doesn't let up until 5
squished together we don't mind.

bathtub

my e-toothbrush is busted :( it was a hand-me-down from my dad two years ago after i had 8 cavities. it seems the motor isn't working anymore. i hate it. for a while i was brushing with it turned on and it would eventually start spinning, but that doesn't seem to be working anymore. i'm gonna see if i can buy a new one on ebay or something. i don't want a battery charged one, so i'll just look online.

i think you're my new hero. i'm gonna email you in the morning to tell you just how wonderful you are, i actually don't know if i can thank you enough. indeed an answer to my unsaid prayers.

i'm trying to be more intentional about taking sunday as a day of rest. hence the reason why i slaved away last night on those logos until the wee hours. it meant i had all day to just rest. so brendan and i went down to the goat for lunch, we got a seat right by the window, then came home and watched a movie. it was nice.

we were talking today about how we both have names that are regularly mispronounced. i get called leZley a lot, and he gets brAndOn :S it's been hard enough living my own life with a mispronounable name, now i have a partner who's name gets mispronounced all the time too. i think i'll need to get up the courage to start correcting people on his behalf, and he can start correcting people on my behalf. it's a little easier when i'm not being anal for my own sake. apparently his mom used to be bothered when he was a kid and he wouldn't correct people. it's not really in his nature, nor is it in mine. but considering it bothers both of us, we should speak up.

we've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.