Monday, April 16, 2018

in the last week or so, it's felt like we've been hit with a barrage of other people's problems. other people's problems are directly impacting us, and i don't really like it. maybe it's just that it's all happening at once or maybe it's just a result of living interconnected lives. regardless, i'd really like some personal space. it's partly the introvert in me, but also a boundaries thing.

all this to say, we've decided against renting out our basement on airbnb this summer. it would be just one thing that links our lives with other people's.

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

it's been at least since the beginning of december, maybe longer, that i've been without a good book. and i'd finally had enough of mediocre books and decided i had to buy something that made me want to read it. the interesting thing is that it's not always necessarily about the content or the story. it has to be the writing and the ease of reading. so i ended up getting this sad book that is a really easy read. it makes me feel torn because i feel so conflicted. i'm not eager to endure the sad parts, but i am keen to keep reading. having a good book is probably the highlight of my day.

the lowlight of my day is that i'm feeling brokenhearted about something and i can't shake it off. i think about it a lot, more than i want to, from all sorts of different angles. every once and a while i get a wave of feeling like i suddenly don't care anymore, but then it comes back. i'm hopeful that this is just it working its way out of my emotional system, and i just need to patiently wait this out.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

it's been a while since i wrote. largely because i've been shutting down my computer earlier during lent. it's been a positive change, but a bit challenging at times.

i'm finding myself with some spare time and at loose ends at the moment, because we put our kids to bed early tonight. otis wouldn't nap, then started falling asleep at the dinner table. eamon was grumpy and aggressive, so we thought an early bed would be good for him.

blogging is good for self-reflection. and i don't have much time for that luxury these days. between my own kids, my job at next, and afternoon childcare, being self-aware gets neglected. but one thing has been a consistent theme lately... unstable people with their own issues make direct or indirect attacks (either rude comments or full-on harassment) at me, and i don't have the discernment in the moment to let it go.

there was recently a woman, who i see around town often. she walks with her boyfriend and is pretty snarky. she's made rude comments before like "obviously you aren't from around here, or you'd know that u-turns are illegal". to which i responded "actually, they're not, as long as there isn't a sign that says 'no u-turns'". brendan just groaned at me and said "i don't know why you bother. she's obviously mentally ill". so i learned from that, and the next time that i passed her, and she grumbled "hey lady, could you walk any slower" (i was walking a normal speed, definitely faster than her), i didn't engage and just kept quiet.

i wonder if this is a matter of maturity, and with time i will lose my desire to correct the other person and point out the error in their argument. that will time, i will lose the piss and vinegar that fuels my fight or flight instinct. or is this just my personality and i will always fall into these traps with people of unsound minds. i usually end up looking like the asshole because i should've known better. what really bothers me is that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

i'm disappointed and feel a little let down. i was hoping to find some internal relief as i licked my wounds, but none really came.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

over the last few weeks (and i hope this doesn't jix it), i have become very efficient with doing my dishes. and by efficient, i mean, i have been doing them each evening. and what do know... they only really take about 10 minutes to do! this has been an (adult-) life long battle for me, and i am encouraged that i'm getting better at it. it's nice not always having a pile of dishes in the corner of the kitchen.

i've also been on a streak with putting away my clothes after i take them off. what i like about this is that it really saves me time later. i don't have to deal with a large pile, instead, i only have to put 2, maybe 3 items of clothing away at a time.


Saturday, January 13, 2018

rose: there are certain things that i put off doing til later. but i've been trying to address them in a more timely manner. especially putting away the clothes i take off. i usually develop a large and confusing pile of clothes that i put away either once a week or once a month. i've discovered that by putting away the 2 or 3 items of clothing that i take off when i get changed, i save myself lots of time later AND it keeps my floor and side of the bedroom much tidier.

thorn: back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

several of the people that I'm closest with hate conflict. their enneagrams peg them as peacemakers. avoiding conflict has never really been a thing for me. I'm too aggressive to shy away from a fight. but lately, all I want is peace. 

now, I don't think that's the same as avoiding conflict, but I want a peaceful environment, I want harmony, I want gentleness and quiet. I REALLY want quiet. some of my favourite moments with my kids are when they are still and quiet. I think it's tied to adjusting to life with two kids. I found the volume in my life increased expedientially since otis was born, and my tolerance for noise has gone down. between the two of them, someone is always making sounds. the other day, with wishful thinking, I said to b "let's just sit here and pretend it's just us". 

with my after school kids, I have tired to not be on them about noise and have aimed to just let them be kids and give them the freedom for silliness. but at this point it seems that that's not helping anyone, so I've started implementing boundaries around loudness and language. and funnily enough, it's been very effective. today I had my favourite day with them by far. *rose*

it goes beyond noise though. I don't want to hear or be part of other people fighting, bickering or accusing each other. I just don't have energy or patience for drama. a few days ago, a friend tried to drag me into some conflict between him and a friend of mine. I felt pretty awkward about it, and my interactions with him afterwards were tense. actually... now that I think of it, I had TWO (male) friends try to drag me into conflict with mutual friends this week. and I pushed back with both. largely because I just want peace, but also because those are not my fights to be part of. by doing so, I sure hope I'm able to avoid conflict with them. *thorn*

Monday, January 08, 2018

well... we're back to our regular routine today.

• it snowed a lot, but i liked getting exercise again (walking to and from the school).
• we started night weaning otis about 10 days ago, and i think he's firmly into a routine of sleeping through the night. he even slept until 8:30 on saturday, AND √©amon made me breakfast that morning :)
• i got some good teacherly advise from joy and beckie over the break, that really empowered me with the after school crew.
• i'm finding that i have a strong desire for peace in my life these days. i just don't have it in me for loud, chaos.
• our sons are playing so well together, and i just love it.
• i went through the things in our house, and i got rid of two large boxes worth of stuff. probably need to do a quarterly purge. i do hang on to stuff for sentimental reasons, so it was good to really push myself to do away with stuff i don't need and won't use ever again.
• my skin has been extremely dry this winter :S