acronym

i was just out for dinner with the joanna and the butlers to celebrate joanna's graduation. they gave me strict instructions on what could NOT be discussed from our time together. it was very fun. we went to copper penny and you know how i feel about the copper penny. i'm stuffed.

they all came over before hand to see my place and all heartly approved. i love that sarah gave me a t-shirt that says "randall" on the back as a house-warming gift. hahahaha. i'm wearing it right now. it fits great! sarah can pick my size out better than i can. i like how it looks, especially the way it fits around my shoulders, oddly enough. i'm going to wear it on friday on our girls-night to the movies. i love this shirt, thanks sarah/tara/paul (thumbs up!!)

i read something today in my book that i thought was really funny so i thought i'd share it with you. "i had never really thought about wrists before, but suddenly these seemed like the most beautiful wrists i had ever seen, such strong wrists, such manly wrists, such brave wrists, such wondrous wrists." hahahhaha "brave wrists" hahaha.

sometimes i just want to start a sentence with "ok, here's what i think" and then give a big spiel about some well thought-out and logical opinion that i've acquired and by doing so enlighten the reader/listener/what-have-you. but really, my life is pretty straight forward right now. not feeling confused. not feeling *blank*. although there was one thing on my mind earlier today that i got off my chest in an email to april, which i must admit was quite logical but still most-likely flawed in some way. i don't know, i'm such a thinker that when i don' t have something to think about i apparently think about thinking about things. bizarre. i dunno, do you have a big cosmic dilemia i can help you out with? oh except for 'what country should i move to?' because i can't come up with an answer on that one. anything else?

people are strange all around me,
but you're not strange.

missing belly-button

i want to go home....

perfect flaws

hmmmm.

so i just worked out that without the pickle, the grilled-cheeze sandwich i had for dinner only cost me 33¢. not bad!

it was funny on sunday, (leave it to guys to point this out) jason asked if i've been up in my attic yet. i hadn't so he climbed up and had a look. its really neat up there, and super hot it could be my own personal sauna. and tim mentioned that its quite difficult for men to use my toilet because the roof is sloped in the bathroom, which i found very amusing.

today i had a funny conversation with dave ferrence. it went like this:
dave: when i moved to thunder bay when i was three, i couldn't speak any english...
les: wait... you couldn't speak english when you were three?? what did you speak??
dave: ukrainian.
les: OH! i didn't know you lived in the ukraine.
dave: i didn't.
les: where did you move from then?
dave: winnipeg.
les: (very puzzled)

so tell me... what's flirting?? what's the purpose?? i don't get it. i flirt. i can usually tell when i'm being flirted with. but what i don't get is why do we do it? its to get the person's attention right? its to make them think we're interested in them, so they in turn become interested in us right? its weird. quite frankly, its dumb. knickers sent me off to the TMF yesterday (our test and maintenance facility where we have a test track and stuff) to hang this 20ft banner. i needed help, she told me "find some of the students, flirt with them a little, get it done". so that's what i did, well i don't think i flirted i hung out with them for a bit, regardless i got it done. then today. i was on my lunch-time walk (from our building to the TMF back to our building), i read on the way. i'm good at that. i saw the students over at the TMF when i was passing. on the way back i could hear their truck driving up behind me, i waited for them to stop. they did. we talked for a bit, as they drove off i giggled to myself at their predictability. well anyways, i smell trouble. i have a tendency to fall for assholes. i won't worry though. if they try anything i'll just use my "i'm extremely religious and don't put-out" card, it usually does the trick...

man, i love this weather. it makes me as happy as a lesley in summer. wait! that's me!! perfect :) today i was standing in my sloped-ceiling-ed bathroom putting in my contacts when a breeze came through my peculiar window. it made me smile. then i smiled more that something so simple could make me so happy.

the trouble was it wouldn't have worked if i was pretending. never does.

velcro

now lets see how well i do at multi-tasking. i'm trying to cook dinner in the next room while writing this entry.

i've been finding lately that i'm appalled by arrogance and that i'm feeling drawn to people who are humble and gracious. i especially despise arrogance in the face of adversity. when people are making a mess of something and yet lash out to anyone who tries to help them. they're only hurting themselves.

my dad took my bike in for me today to get my tire fixed while i was at work. i sooooo appreciated it because i just haven't had time. he even got me a bottle holder. it had one but it was broken off, not sure if it ever had one actually at least not since i got it as a hand-me-down from joy. he was really excited, i thought that was pretty cute. when i got home i went for a bike ride down to murney's tour. it was great! i was amazed at the different between now and the last time i biked, which i guess was a month ago. the shore was deserted of all the students. i have such mixed feelings in general about the students and their whole "love you and leave you" behaviour towards kingston. and yet at next yesterday i found myself for the first time missing the student presence, and especially my nooma posse (they're excluded from my anti-student generalizations).

i love biking in a mini-skirt. so risqué... i sat on the hill reading, who cares if an entire tour-boat full of people could see my underpants, i don't! well i kind of do...

i'm starting to understand the saying "blood is thicker than water". in a way its a double-edged sword.

i'm gonna finish watching moulin rouge tonight. i fell asleep while watching it on saturday. i know, that's pretty bad, but i was REALLY tired.

everything will be alright.

old quarry

well i personally had a fun time at my open house. i was delighted in who came, but disappointed in who missed out. thanks rach, jason, dawna and melissa who came and shared in celebrating my new home. oh, rach and jace... astrid and muirgen left their hats here. i'll drop them by this week.

well after everyone left, melissa and i took some photos. i figure that i might as well post them on my flickr account because if looking at photos fulfills your interest in seeing my place then you probably would never have come anyways. here's a link to your virtual tour.

this evening i got my dad set up with his very first email address. that was pretty funny and it makes me smile at the thought. years ago when i was living in toronto, i'd thought of getting him set up with one, but then moved home and there was no point. but he mentioned it himself tonight, so i happily helped him out.

living on york street is turning out to be very entertaining. today there was a circus going on at the memorial centre and we saw elephants walking through the parking lot all in a row, literary attached tail to trunk. it was soooo cute. totally awesome.

lights will guide you home,
and ingite your bones,
and i will try to fix you.

the criminalization of the mentally ill

happy christmas.

here are some facts about my day (by roman numerals):
i. i wore my pink toque the entire day.
ii. i've known thomas peters for approximately 20 years and only today had an actual conversation with him.
iii. my bedroom is legitimately clean.
iv. when the truck was full at rhonda's, everyone piled into cars and took off for her new place forgetting i was upstairs.
v. sometimes i want to share inappropriate things on pspd (but don't indulge that urge because i promised sarah i'll omit certain things).
vi. i've inherited hordes of hand-me-downs from rhonda this week to the point that it feels like i live at "junior rhonda's place". these items include: 3 lamps, a shelf, coat-hangers, paint, a massive trunk that once belonged to isaac's poppa. is that it? no i just can't remember everything.
vii. i've really enjoyed my evening in all by myself tidying for my open house tomorrow. i delight in the fact that i'm confidant enough to stay home alone on a saturday night.
viii. i am infatuated with my nighty.
ix. i'm thankful to my wonderful friend who yesterday explained to me that she feels just as up-and-down as i do, but just doesn't vocalize it in the same manner.
x. the number of people who visit pspd drastically drops on the weekend.
xi. i have never seen moulin rouge, but am about to....
xii. i hit the snooze button about 8 times this morning and when i actually got up, i decided to reset my alarm clock and got into bed for another 15 minutes.
xiii. we had 100 timbits at colbourne & north streets today – in total, not each.
xiv. out of all my friend that i invited to come tomorrow to my open house, i'm only expecting about 15 people (that includes my family and kids) because everyone else ignored my email or can't make it :(
xv. when i mentioned a "hot box" in my invitation email i was JUST KIDDING.

i think there are pieces of me you've never seen.

56 coat hangers

i've had a lot on my mind lately, but the question i have to ask myself is "how much do i share?". how much do i want to share? how much can i be bothered to share? also valid questions. well lets just start and see where we end up...

i was telling meghan in an email the other day that "sometimes isolation breed isolation" and since saying that to her i've really been conscious of it. its true. i wouldn't say i feel isolated or even alone, but i do feel ummmm disconnected. years ago when i lived a lone i felt as though i was disconnected from everyone and everything was just part of my life but my life itself was just me. i've kind of been feeling like that, but without even knowing it. until tonight. i sat in rhonda's new dining room giving her my opinions of how to arrange her furniture. i once again felt connected, maybe engaged is even a better word. i appreciated it because before going over to her place all i wanted to do was be alone, but after spending time with her i felt like i didn't want to shut myself in. although, i do need some time to rest and recoup. its been a very busy month and i'm starting to get burnt out again.

i've been very inward focused lately. not that i only care about myself, but again by living alone i got thinking i was the only person i had to consider or care about because no one is looking out for me except for me (i know, that's a lie, but i got sucked in). perhaps living alone can make a person selfish. regardless, i've been very introspective. evaluating myself on what needs to be thrown out and what needs to be nurtured.

you see i've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down,
i've conquered hills but i still have mountains to climb.
and right now i'm doing the best i can.

blah

i'm procrastinating something awful. i don't know why. and i'm not even sure what i'm procrastinating. i feel like there's something i'm supposed to be doing but just don't feel like doing it. oh, it's probably cleaning my room. ya, i think that IS it. but i don't wanna. i'm feeling restless like i don't want to be doing anything that i'm doing, but can't decide what else to do. the problem is, i just feel like sitting around. and yet when i'm sitting around i feel like the house is "too quiet".

do you ever feel mad at someone and are all like "i don't want to speak to them, i'm glad we're not speaking" and yet still get your feelings hurt because they don't try? isn't that weird? that's what you wanted in the first place! life is weird. just as a disclaimer so none of you think i'm talking about you.... i'm not refering to anyone in particular, just reflecting.

i wish i didn't have the smallest blatter in the world.

i like thinking of myself as a "tough chick". do i seem tough? today i was carrying a big lounge chair (? is that what they're called or did i just make that up. its a chair. not like a kitchen chair, but like a really short sofa. hmmm...) from my car, into the backyard (the gate was particularly difficult to get through), onto the deck, then later up the stairs. there was this creepy old man on the sidewalk who kept pacing back and forth, looking in my general direction. i think he wanted to offer his assistance, but i'm no wuss and i don't need help. it annoyed me. so i delighted in managing myself. i'm a tough cookie, i don't need bogus chivalry, especially from a creepy dude.

our secret's safe and still well kept.

chad

we have about 20 students at work this summer. i love that there's now a table full of young guys in the cafeteria and that they haven't the slightest clue that i'm probably 5 or 6 years older than them.

i was thinking today that i love inside jokes. not the fact that they're a secret that excludes others, but that you and someone else share something unspoken. today i was writting an email to my mom and made reference to something that has amused us for years. i like that i could word it in such a way that she'd get it and it didn't need explaining.

i just vacuumed my house. there's been something wrong with my vac for sometime now (you know my little shark vac i bought in january or something), but today i actually did something about it. i dismantled it and yet still couldn't figure out what was wrong. i eventually took the hose into the washroom and held it up to the tap then turned on the water. i discovered it was so clogged with kat hair that even water couldn't get through to the other side. it reminded me of a drano commerical. it did eventually come out in gross heaps after i flung it around several times. ah well you live and learn. i don't really know how that saying connects to my problem, but whatever.

hmm, i can hear some banging below me. i wonder if they're trying to get me to turn down the volume of my 80s hits or if they're hammering. i've decided kevin and amy hate me for no good reason so am always prone to thinking the worse case scenerio.

well i've gotta go and sit around while watching my friend pack.

doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you.

blue chairs

well my sister came over to help me paint my bathroom tonight. we're pleased with it inspite the fact that the colour turned out slightly different than i'd hoped. however, i'm sure i'll get used to it. joy really likes my place and thinks its coming along nicely. that makes me happy, i enjoy her approval, although, her disapproval has never stopped me before. regardless, i'm excited. side note: i love how joy can be my voice of reason sometimes, she was all like "oh les... don't fall for that". she has a good point there.

so what's up?

i'd kind of like to go to bed early tonight. so i think i'm going to head to call it a night after i'm done here. first, let me tell you a little about my new book. its called "cause celeb", oh i actually only JUST cluded in that its called that, i thought it was called "cause caleb". hahahah. anyways. i was reading excerpts out of it to melinda, irina and laura earlier tonight at the goat. melinda was embarrassed. she thinks i talk too loud when we're at the goat. to be fair i do have a problem controling the volume of my voice, however i don't like being hushed. let me share a little of it with you... "in london in the summer of 1985 i was afflicted by a crush, which is a terrible thing to happen to a woman". hahaha, we all agreed with that. here's another interesting excerpt "funny how at 25 you worry about not being taken seriously and take being a sex object for granted. later you take being taken seriously for granted, and worry about not being a sex object". interesting, i wonder if that's true, i can imagine that to be so.

well that's all i'm going to share tonight. partly because i can't remember what i was going to talk about, and partly because i've found my entries a little too long lately and figure no one wants to read a long entry.

love lost, such a cost,
give me things that won't get lost.

killing time

hahahaha, i just watched scary movie 3. matt and shauna love that movie and they used to talk about it all the time, so i finally saw it. man, it WAS funny. i can't remember when i last laughed so hard. all the greatest spoofs include charlie sheen and leslie nielsen (not together, but seperately. but together is good too).

i've had a really great weekend. i'm feeling good and stable. certain events have brought a reminder of what i've been taking forgranted, so i'm thankful for that. i'm so content. going about my day, doing chores, tidying my porch, it was nice. i know who i am, inspite the change and confusion of the last month, its still clear. i'm solid. my circumstances may not be, but i'm solid.

this morning i got up and went to the penitentiary museum. joanna is a volunteer there so she took me around for the tour. it was really incredible, i suggest going! its funny that we look so happy in those photos considering we are in objects of torture.

since i got the maxi pad trailer working, i thought i'd include a link here on pspd since that's what it was intended for in the first place. if you guys can come, please let me know so i know how many people expect.

well that's enough for today.

do you find this happens all the time?

p.s. it's going to be ok. we love you!!

hail

today i made a little video in imovie. it was so much fun. my voice sounds very strange to me in my video. is that really what i sound like??!?! wow. odd. i'm excited, i hope the opportunity for making more movies comes up. the actual content was a little... unthrilling. i wish it had been funnier. but regardless, it was fun editing and stuff. hmmm, i wonder if i'm a funny person. i think i'm funny, but that doesn't mean anything – everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour.

i had joanna over for lunch today. it was really nice spending time with her. i appreciated what she had to say, she was very encouraging and good for my psyche. i have to admit, i've been frustrated with my mental state lately. there's nothing wrong with me or my brain, but i've been so moody lately that it makes me uncomfortable. i'm going to miss joanna when she goes to australia, but i'm excited for her. that's sooo amazing.

its so nice that i don't have to go to work tomorrow. it's nice being at home. i need to decide what i'm doing with my vacation this year. i get 3 weeks and i'm using 1 to go camping with my family. i'd like to go on a short-term missions trip with the other 2 weeks, but have no direction. i have a contact in kenya, but i think that's fallen through. does anyone have any ideas or suggestions??

well i should go. i need to do some more painting and then i'm going to rhonda's for the desperate housewives season finale. oh, wait, maybe i don't have time to paint, since rhonda and i both talk a lot, if we don't have enough visiting time in advance we tend to talk right through the show. which is annoying to others and ourselves, we're always like "oh, what just happened??"

thinking of you.

age of consent

announcing
the maxi pad open house
sunday, may 28th
between 1 and 3 p.m.

our house, was our castle and our keep
our house, in the middle of our street

prairie wind

frig, i'm freezing. its like frickin 100 below outside. what is this january or something?? dawna and i both were wearing our winter coats tonight. burrr. is that how you spell burr? looks wrong for some reason. hmm. my clothes felt damp all day, which just added to my coldness. then when i got home i got changed and put on snuggly warm sox. nice.

i feel calm and content today. i like that. almost as though i'm getting a glimpse at the bigger picture. life is being put into perspective. it's amazing how things just work themselves out sometimes. sometimes what we want DOES happen. that always surprises me, but why should it? i think one thing that gave me some clarity was earlier today rhonda and i were at the goat, and i ordered an orange pekoe. i immediately turned to her and appologized for my lack of diversity. i find myself doing that a lot, appologizing for my perferences. i said to her "orange pekoe isn't very interesting" she said "it's tea, it doesn't need to be interesting". i thought "true" then i said "in some ways i'm very interesting but other ways very dull" she said "that's ok, you don't have to be interesting in everyway. that would be a little too much and would overwhelm people" or something like that. that blew my mind!! what an ingenius thought! why hadn't that occured to me before!?!?! i shouldn't feel bad for not liking certain things. that being said i have an announcement to make:
• i don't like herbal teas, green tea or peppermint tea.
• i don't like the taste of beer.
• i don't like spicy foods.
i do NOT need to appologize for this – so stop making fun of me.

i am a lonely visitor. i came too late to cause a stir.
though i've champaigned all my towards that goal.

harvest

i love my place.
i'm really happy.

although these changes have come,
with your chrome heart shining in the sun.
long may you run.

asparagus

i babysat joelle and caleb tonight. it was fun. we went to the park. there were two slides side by side, i thought caleb and i would go on one and joelle would go on the other. but instead she wanted to come with us, she climbed on me and we slid down like i was one big toboggan. some dogs came to the park and weren't on leashes. they scared joelle so i had to put caleb down and pick her up. she quickly decided she wanted to go home, so i picked up caleb and walked home like "super aunt" carrying one in each arm. joelle is in a really cute stage. she reminds me of this little girl i once knew when i worked a daycare in highschool. i was with the 2.5 to 3.5's (the busy bees) and there was a girl named rhianna who was my favourite. i know you're not supposed to have favourites but she was so sweet, imaginative and quirky that she captivated me. i tend to be drawn to oddballs.

i'm really into neil young lately. i've been listening to him all week at work. he has so many great quotes, part of me just wants to have one big long neil young quotes entry. i love how he sings such funny lyrics with such passion and conviction, for example "a man needs a maid", i'm all like "ya man, that's true. men DO need maids" i wish you could hear how that sounds in my head, i'm using my best pothead impression. i've always wanted to see him in concert, a couple years back he was having an outside concert in a park in toronto, i wish i'd gone. but since then i have this desire to see him in an open field not in an arena or something. i think i might go see his flick that's showing at the screening room tomorrow, i have an engagement at 10:30 p.m. but i'm sure i could squeeze in the early show. don't know if anyone is interested in seeing it with me, if you are, give me a call, an email or a comment and we'll make plans. otherwise, i'll go it alone. which is ok.

i've had a good day, but a brief run in with my mom's neighbour ticked me off. when i left her place i was trying to sneak past him because i was worried he would be angry that i accidentally let out his dog tonight, but instead he makes some inappropriate comment about my weight. the conversation went like this "oh, you gave me a scare a couple weeks back when you were here with that guy" strike one: that guy = my dad. maybe he didn't realize that my mom's children actually had a father. who knows. "i didn't know if i should stop you or what" we were picking up some furniture that's been in storage there with the u-haul van while my mom was in england. then he says "you look much different from last year... i don't know if you...were on a weight-loss program or something" ARGH!! so rude. yes, i recognize that i look different than before, but i was only overweight for a brief period of time. and i'm horribly self-conscience about it, so yes, sure, why don't you just comment on a virtual stranger's weight. i don't understand why people feel a right to say anything. don't get me wrong, there are NICE and POLITE ways of saying it like "you look really great" or "you look beautiful" or even "you look really happy", david ferrence once said "i've noticed lately that you are looking spiffy" which i thought was charming and funny. BUT anything that involves "you've lost weight" hits a nerve. also i hate it when people ask like they'll get some kind of "weight-loss secrets" from me. "no i wasn't on a diet, i just changed my life-style". argh. sorry. i don't mean to vent. i've had a lovely day. i'm excited about this long week-end. hurray!! well i'm off to paint another coat on my doors. its amazing what a coat of paint will do to a room ;)

my downstairs neighbours are weird. their screen door has detached from the house and is lying face down in my driveway and they don't even move it. they're lazy. besides, how did the door get like that in the first place.

even richard nixon has got soul.

remix

melissa and i went to the artel bbq as i said we would yesterday. we took isaac along so rhonda could have some peace while she prepped her new house for painting. it was fun. the art res is really neat, and irina has a totally awesome room. we particularly approved of the brickwall. it was funny taking isaac along, he's a character. i like him.

when we were talking to irina a "certain someone" came thru the back door. i looked at her and gestured with my eyes. it was very subtle (which surprised me because i'm not usually that tackful), she immediately picked up on it and looked in the appropriate direction. i liked that. we have a rhythm i guess. i suppose that's bound to happen when you live with someone for 9 months. this is something i've been thinking about lately, rhythms in friendship. melinda and i definately have a rhythm, we've been friends for ages, for eras and for always. but even friendships that are new usually fall into a certain pattern early on. i guess though, you tend to perfect the pattern over time, melinda and i have a well-rehearsed melody.

i've started listening to "the indie wake-up" show on cfrc between 8 & 10. they have different hosts each day. its interesting. one of my favourite things about it is that they play "the bcc world service" at 9 for ten minutes. it keeps me current with world events. i used to be really up on these things, but have fallen behind some by like 7 months. hmmm. well i'm enjoying this new indulge, except the problem with radio is i can't pause it while i run to the printer, to the coffee station or the bathroom and i find myself finding little tasks to do to keep me at my desk for the remainder of a song.

blue blue windows behind the stars,
yellow moon on the rise,
big birds flying across the sky,
throwing shadows on our eyes.

pavarotti

ooh, my kitchen better watch-out because its getting dangerously close to being de-throned as my favourite room!! my living room looks awesome! i really like the red. its beautiful. yay!

so did i tell ya that irina (sidenote for those following along at home: irina is pronounced erena) has moved into an artist's co-op?? apparently she thought when she was living with me and mindy "enough of these posers, i'm moving in with some REAL artists". just kidding. i don't think i've ever heard irina say 'posers'. i have heard her say 'hobo' and other words its better if i don't mention. hahahaha. anyways, its pretty cool. neat concept. i'm sure it will be an interesting experience for her. its called 'artel' i searched for a website, but they don't have one. maybe its too soon. however, i did find this. its the website of the organizers, i'm sure they'll eventually talk about artel on their website too. tomorrow night they're having a bbq at the house – 205 sydenham street @ 5 p.m. i'm not sure if melinda can make it because her schedule is pretty crazy right now, so i invited melissa. it should be fun. irina told me to come at 6, i don't know why exactly, but that's fine with me. i don't get "back into the city" til after 5 usually.

there are very few days in a person's life where they can honestly look back and say "that day changed the course of my life". today is an anniversary of sorts, of one of those days for me. a long long time ago. so long ago that i've lived on this side of those events for longer than i lived on the other. so i've selected a quote to close with as a tribute.

every time i'm close to you there's too much i can't say.
i grieve in my condition for i cannot find the words to say i need you so.

flabbergasted

my bloody walls are still bleeding bloodiness.

i like how melinda's invitation to cook me dinner turned into ME cooking HER dinner and her being an hour and a half late. hahahaha.

i like that frank got all excited when i told him i'm painting my living room red. he COULD have been apathetic, but wasn't. he's great.

i like how relaxed i am when it comes to painting. it doesn't make sense to be uptight about messiness, or actually sloppiness. whatever, its just paint. big deal. i came to appreciate that when i helped ian paint his hallway, he was sooo careful and anal, it was so friggin annoying. this got me thinking about how i'm not a detail person or a perfectionist. i get COVERED in paint and don't care because i plan for that. this led me to thinking about how i'm not sloppy or careless when it comes to design or my job. interesting how that is. but pretty much everything else i'm like "meh whatever". ok well that's not entirely true. i was very organized when i moved and when i lead living room. but that's because i had to be overly prepared in order to avoid anxiety.

i like that i've finally nailed into my dad's head that i'd like him to call first before dropping by.

i like that i got to leave work early today because i had a doctors appointment re: my allergies.

i like my spectrum of friends – love rather. i'd like to give a shout out to my girls who have helped me paint! studio: done. living room: almost done. bathroom: progressing. porch: eventually.

there's holes in all the bottles of my long term.

makeshift

i've had a good day. which is a nice change. my weekend was a bit of a struggle. i'm thankful for a couple of my friends and penpals :P who where listening ears when i needed to share what was on my mind and heart. i feel better after complaining a little. i considered using the word "venting" but in total honestly i was just complaining and whinning.

i woke up this morning not grumpy which again was a nice change. i immediately liked my hair and also liked my outfit. i remember my mom saying back when i was prepubescent and going through an awkward stage "when you look good you feel good". that annoyed me, there wasn't much i could do to look good. however, since then i've found that to be true. i felt beautiful today and confident that one day the clouds will clear.

beck was over tonight and we applied the first coat in my red living room. argh, i'm really not sure if i made the right decision. it looks a little bloody and blotchy right now. the guy told me that with red paint you have to wait 16 hours before applying the next coat and it'll need 2 or 3 coats. its currently still wet, and paint always dries darker. i'm sure i'll like it once its more solid, darker and there's furniture in front of it. in the mean time i'll have to suck it up and not let the chaotic state of my house bother me. i get overwhelmed by mess.

you're strange but don't change.

grotto

ok so. i'm on a crazy roller-coaster. all over the place. i think this can be slightly attributed to the fact that i'm horribly indecisive lately. i hate that. i didn't even notice it until melissa pointed it out. i like how observant she is. she's always pointing things out that go below my radar.

today i ironed my couch. hahahaha. well not exactly. i bought a futon cover yesterday and it looked wrinkely so i ironed it while it was on the futon. i like that i did that. it was very amusing to me. tomorrow i'm having beckie over to help me paint my living room crimson red like in amelie. kind of like the red colour the forbes' have in their front entrance.

hmm, i think i'd like to have some watermelon.

my street draws a lot of skaters. i'd say on average i see at least 5 or 6 people skateboarding down my street each day. and they're ususually different people every day.

i accidentally left my phone off the hook for an hour and a half today. hahaha.

my elbow aches like i wacked it on something. i have a tendency to hurt myself and forget about it. i have all these bruises and i don't know where they came from. i bruise like a peach so it could be nothing. i fell down my stairs last week, they may be the result of that. hmm.

how do you know when to let go?

half-baked shell

i want to live bravely.

i woke up extremely grumpy today. i think it was due to the lack of oxygen to my brain. that combined with the dreams about insane overgrown gorilla's who took over the airplane. or perhaps i was grumpy in my sleep and that was causing the dreams. if you don't want to know how fed-up i'm feeling right now i don't suggest reading on. its better for the both of us.
i am never broken.

i'm tired of my co-workers and whoeverelse trying to set me up with people. look, i'm sure that so-and-so is a great guy. and that's great for him that he just gratuated from teachers college and that he has white teeth but the truth of the matter is, that if he isn't climbing over that table at the toucan the instant he meets me because he just HAS to be closer to me, i'm not interested.
i am a flame neither timid or tame.

i am single. and that may just be my lot in life. therefore i'm going to make the most of it. i don't want to spend my whole life looking for what was right in front of my face the entire time. i have a lover of my soul. he is my harbour. why do i search? i am never alone.
fasten me to your side.

now, in order for me to get ready for this new "burning my bra" era, there are a few loose ends i need to tie up... do you think its wise or unwise to try and be friends with a guy you're trying to get over? seriously... i want your input.
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from.

polka dots

well its friday evenings. i have no idea what the weekend holds for me. tonight turned out fairly different to how i expected except for stopping at the goat. i'm a goataholic. hahahahaa. not to be confused with a goat-groupie. i finished he's just not that into you while i was there. i read it in like 2 days. granted its only like 3/4 of an inch thick (i'm a graphic designer. i work in inches. give me inches or give me death) but i still delight in that because it proves melinda's theory wrong. she said i haven't read much since i started pspd, but i beg to differ. i told her that it all depends on the book, and lets face it... memoirs of a geisha (although a great book) wasn't one that really gripped me that i longed to read it as soon as i finished work. it didn't consume my mind like others have. ok so since starting pspd in october i've read the following books:
• how to dump a guy
• (something else that i can't remember)
• our lady of the lost and found (another one that took a long time but only because of the historical parts that broke up the story and slowed down my pace. once i started skipping them – they weren't essential to the plot – i sped right through it)
• bridget jones' diary: the edge of reason
• (possibly something else – i feel like there was cushion between these two)
• memoirs of geisha
• he's just not that into you
so there. that's definately 5 but probably 7 books. not bad. can anyone think of any i've forgotten? i like to read aloud to melinda. it drives her crazy. the best was reading her excerpts from the christian pirate trilogy i was reading. hahahahaha. oh man, i love pirates.

so what am i reading next? well beckie lent me this book about swearing. i don't even remember why, but i accidentally forgot it at rhonda's once. thankfully isaac didn't pick it up. oh dear. its basically "a good look at bad language". as much as it intrigues me, it also kind of makes my eyes roll back into my head. i hope i don't start it and then take 6 months to read it. i'm not one for 'non-fiction' books. unless they're witty like he's just not that into you. that book also made me feel really clever. anyways, enough about books. this must be boring you.

ok well i didn't want to draw this to your attention, but i added a web meter to my blog. i totally copied the idea from dawna (i know a good idea when i steal it). i know of several people who visit regularly but are silent participants (like joanna, sarah, michelle, umm who else... i don't know they're silent). melissa once said "i bet 50 people visit your blog daily". i don't know about that, but i did count about 20 people that i could think of. however, that comment did make me wonder and now i'll have a more accurate idea. it'll also be cool to see by what links they're coming and stuff. i'm not trying to identify you, if you've been stalking me don't worry i'm not going to expose you. whatever, i don't care, there's no harm done. so don't feel weird about this. i'm not trying to spy on you spying on me.

when there's no way out, the only way out is to give in
how i love to give in

mayo

the sound of the rain on the awning of my balcony is so beautiful. its so peaceful.

i can honestly say, one of the best feelings in the world is when you get caught in the rain and get completely drenched. being soaked in the rain frees me from all inhibitions. its the feeling of utter acceptance "i am wet. i might as well go with it". you don't have to avoid puddles. you don't have to huddle under an umbrella or try to stay under the overhang. you just live your life freely and i LOVE it.

i want that notion to seep over into other areas of my life. for years i wondered if i was a "free-spirit". than i gave up wondering. i think its because i started to play the game of life too carefully because being reckless means i can get hurt. but life has a funny way of breaking what doesn't bend (as jewel says). being careful doesn't prevent you from being hurt, it often leaves you more devistated since what you were trying to protect yourself from in the first place has happened. regardless, sometimes we choose our paths and other times they choose us. i guess the key is knowing when to work at something and when to just go with it.

today i got my first pieces of mail at my new house!! yay!! and they weren't bills. i got both my postcards from dawna and from cas on the same day. hurray!! THANK YOU GIRLS!! i was soooo excited and immediately taped them up on my kitchen cupboards with the others. oh man, my house is looking great. my other rooms are coming along nicely, but for some reason the kitchen is still my favourite. it has character. i'd take a picture to show you, but then you'd feel less inclined to drop by for a visit :)

oh speaking of visits. bad news. this sunday won't work for my open house either (its mother's day and i figure most of you will be with your moms). then next week is the long weekend (and most of you will probably have plans or be away). SOOO, we're going to go with... may 28th. mark that down. the only possible problem i forsee is that rhonda is moving on the 27th. now, that may not effect me at all, but i hope to be available to help her if needed. BUT i figure this event may take up 2 or 3 hours on a sunday afternoon. nothing too major. so unless something CRAZY comes up, that's the big day.

buy ourselves chastity belts and lock them
organize our lives and lose the key

vestibule

ok so i've changed my mind. he's just not that into is a hilariously awesome book. i love it. i think i should read it once a week for the rest of my life. it will serve as a reminder that men are assholes. wait, that's not true, but there ARE a lot of jerks out there. now that i've broken past the part that hit a nerve with me, i really do think its a good book. its clever and truthful. i really wish i'd read it years ago, but at the time it would have been too painful to realize "he just wasn't THAT into me". i read it as i walked to a&p tonight to buy some english muffins and so many times i found myself laughing out loud or gasping then giggling at his bluntness. if nothing else, he has hammered into my head that i'm fabulous. a somebody. a siren. i will be pursued at the right time by the right person and there's not a single thing i need to do make that happen. same goes for you girlfriend! you've gots to read this book...

when melissa was over yesterday i was telling her how much i enjoyed getting up during my two sick days and taking my time, having breakfast, drinking tea, sitting at my table. she, in turn, sang the praises of early mornings and encouraged me to get up earlier. so today, when my alarm clock went off, i got up. at 6:05. while still in my daze, i went around the house opening the curtains. i put my english muffin in the toaster. i made my bed. then once i was semi-wake i had my breakfast (which was a nice change from my usual eating-it-in-the-car-as-i-drive routine). i had a great time. i'd like to do that more often. from now on actually. i had so much time to spare that running around my house trying to find my missing shirt did NOT make me late! i got to work 10 minutes early. wow. amazing. this is a new day people, a new morning.

today i was listening to melinda's show on cfrc and heard the familar sound of a woman singing. i knew the song well. then it struck me. IT WAS ALISON!! i'd requested that song and mindy played it!! yay! i guess they have a copy of sweet dark at the station. it was super cool. i was very excited.

i'm still sick, but better than i was and as good as it gets for the rest of allergy season. at work this morning knickers came out of her office all in a hurry, bombarding me with all these tasks and events going on. then she said "i've been so busy i haven't even had the chance to tell you that you look awful" hahahahaha. isn't that insane!!!

personally, when i'm picking friends, i like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

jasmine

sick day #2: i had a lovely day (inspite being congested, coughy, runny nose, itchy eyes and so on). al dropped off my new kitchen table bright and early. its a really great table. thanks so much al!! its really narrow but has this leaf so it folds open to be a square table. its also just a really interesting wood table, very pretty really. i went back to bed for several hours, then got up and had breakfast at my new table!! and finished memoirs of a of a gesha. finally. it was good. it was different than the movie, more details and stuff. i really liked it. my next books is this book on swearing beckie lent me. or maybe i'll read he's just not that into you since its shorter. ya, i'm sure i could get it done quite quickly because i've already started it.

my kat is mental.

melissa didn't have to work today so she came over to keep me company. i had a really nice time with her. we sat on my balcony drinking tea and eating british chocolate. than she just hung out in my room with me while i unpacked more stuff. i invited her to stay for dinner and she helped me out as i cooked. i'm excited because she was my very first dinner guest at my new place, and now that i think of it, one of my only dinner guests at pine street as well! anyway, i appreciated how easy-going she is as i found myself appologizing for my cooking short-comings quite a lot. she put me at ease and made me feel more comfortable with the thought of having dinner guests more often. we very much enjoyed my new table and we giggled as we sat there chatting. i like that i sat there eating with my one leg drapped over the corner of the table and melissa didn't comment even if she thought it was rude of me (i don't know if she did, but she didn't say anything).

tonight i went with alison to see hawksley workman. it was funny because neither of us were very familar with him, and were relaxed about what time we arrived. unfortunately, it apparently started on time, so we only caught the last hour. oh well, we had a good time. the whole time i was thinking "this guy totally reminds me of lee casement" then at the end when the lights came up i saw lee, suzanne and lindsay up at the front. so ironic. i saw several other nexters there and todd too. he put on a good show, and was pretty funny. i found his stories amusing.

i don't think any of us can speek frankly about pain until we are no longer enduring it.

chicken

i stayed home from work sick today. i've developed a cold on top of my allergies. bummer. although, it makes sense because i couldn't figure out why i was still all stuffed up inspite of my allergy pills. i also thought it would do me some good to catch up on my sleep. i haven't been sleeping well since moving into my new place. it's been a really light sleep like i'm semi-conscience the whole night. its awful. its probably a combo of being in a new place, the noise from the street, the darkness of my room, my kat's new obsession of sleeping right beside my face (plus he's learned how to open my door...), and the fact that there's still lots to unpack. so ended up sleeping till 1:40 then decided to get up. i've tried to just be lazy today and use my sick day as an actual sick day instead of a chores day. although, i did apply another layer of paint on my cabinet doors and hung my posters up in my room. it looks and feels more like home in this room, and i think the whole house is progressively becoming more familar. i'm pleased.

i sat out on my balcony reading my book for a while this afternoon. it was a beautiful day and that's such a great space. i'm finally making some progress with memors of a geisha, only about another 20 pages to go. hurray! not that i dislike this book at all, its just taken me 5 months to read it which is odd. i'd kind of like to move on to something else.

inspite the fact that physically i'm feeling pretty crappy, i'm feeling better emotionally. yes, i'm once again on the upswing of the blues. i'd imagine you get pretty tired of my occassional "whoa is me" rants, but they don't last long, so i hope they are bareable. i'm feeling content. feeling on top of things. i'm thankful, things are good. my future is uncertain, but my current situation is pleasant so that's what matters.

this morning when i was at a&p at 7:20 a.m. (i needed to get some kleenex, some coughdrops, etc) i bought my first watermelon of the season. yay!! its watermelon season. i heart watermelons. i'm uber excited, i've been waiting all year for this. last year my first watermelon of the season sucked ass. it had decomposed and when i cut it open just poured all over the kitchen table. i learned my lesson after that to avoid yellowish watermelons. beckie lent me some dvds so i think later tonight i'll settle down with amelie and have some watermelon. i've got to be careful not to sneeze with the melon in my mouth. that's happened to me before. several times. it ends up getting sucked up the back of my nose and stuck in my nasal cavity. its bad news.

as life gets longer, awful feels softer
well it feels pretty soft to me

teapot

well...

i had sunday lunch with my family today. i was a little melancholy until i decided to talk about what was weighing on my mind. all the recent change. the lack of bright future. i felt bad for crying at the dinner table (especially because joy's friend sarah was visiting from ottawa), but i actually feel a little better after getting that off my chest. joy said "you're not a late bloomer, you're just lesley!" and reprimanded me for calling myself that, she said if i keep saying that i'll believe it. but i don't see anything wrong with that, i think the important part is that i AM blooming. or at least i thought i was, now i feel little stunted.

my mom got me this coaster in the u.k. with my name on it. let me read to you what it says...
Lesley
From the Scottish meaning of "from the grey fortress".
She is petite, desirable, and extremely smart with a good head for business.
A shrewd lady.
hmmm, what do you think of that? feedback? comments?

she was also going through a drawer or something and found some papers where she'd written down some stats for joy and me from when we were babies. here's mine:
head up: 9 weeks
tooth: 4 mos
jolly jumper: 3 mos
sitting: ? (6 mos earliest picture)
standing: (blank)
walking: 12 mos
talking: 16 mos
joy's stats contained more information. you tend to get ignored when you're the youngest. well not ignored, your parents are more busy. i'm finding that even with caleb and joelle, i feel bad that i'm not AS attentive with cabe as i was with joelle.

well i should go. melinda and i are going to the goat.

btw: i miss you.

the mountain is high, the valley is low
and you're confused 'bout which to go
so i flew in to give you a hand
and lead you into, the promised land

eon

i think i'm suffering a little from an identity crisis. who am i? where am i going? why don't i know? shouldn't i have things figured out by now? shouldn't it be obvious to me? i think of all the students i know, some recently graduated, some returning to school next fall and find myself feeling like an outsider looking in. i feel past my prime. i feel as though the mystery of "what life holds for me" has slipped through my fingers without giving me a glimpse. this is my life. it holds no secrets. there are no mysteries. i suppose i should relish the fact that i'm "established" but i don't. why did i for years long for stability only to reach that point and wish for something else? why do i sit here at 26 and wonder "what the hell did i do with my early 20s!?!" those years were a blur of fears and failures. i wish i'd been who i am now then. i wish i didn't feel like a foreigner with everyone other than other misfits.

argh, my bike has a flat tire!!! i'm soooo disapointed! i've had this bike for something like 17 years and NEVER had a flat. that's probably partly why, the tires are very old. regardless, it doesn't make any sense! how did i get a flat? i rode my tank of a bike just the other day! i don't even know where to take it to get it fixed. so disappointed :(

on a brighter note... alison came over to help me paint my studio this afternoon. we painted it "cotton candy pink" its very bright and cheery. i'm really pleased with it, and it didn't take very long either. i had a really nice time with her. alison is an amazing girl who inspires me. while she was here my mom stopped by to check out my place, she just got back from england yesterday. tim's mom went with her and they had a really great time. i'm really glad that my mom and my brother-in-law's mom are good friends, its really nice. anyway, she brought me some british chocolate. MMmmmm. after my mom left and we were finished painting we watched "the life of brian" (the condensed version).

my kind’s your kind
i’ll stay the same

tog t'nevah i tahw tnaw ton od i

i'm walking through the desert
and i am not frightened although it's hot
i have all that i requested
and i do not want what i haven't got
i will take this road much further
though i know not where it takes me
i have water for my journey
i have bread and i have wine
no longer will i be hungry
for the bread of life is mine

listen

yes, it IS way past my bedtime.

my throat appears to be slowly closing because i wasn't very timely in taking my last dose of allergy pills.

i had things i wanted to talk about today but they're being pushed out of my mind by this sinéad o'connor song that's blaring through my headphones (see how considerate i am listening to my headphones because its really late and i don't want to wake-up kevin and amy downstairs??).

tonight i started painting the cabinet doors in my bathroom. i'm pleased with them. i'm going to really like how they look instead of being left as crappy pile board, they'll now match the rest of the cabinet. i love working with my hands. i love crafting things. i'll probably sit admiring those cabinet doors for many hours (well not at a time, probably for more like 10 minute stints). i do that at work, when i'm working on a project i'll just sit there starring at the monitors or at the print out. starring. i found it interesting tonight when i was talking to melissa online that she was baking and i was painting - the things we love doing. i get such satisfaction out of refinishing furniture or whatever. it fits like a glove. i'm doing what i'm meant to be doing. sometimes i beat myself up about not being much of a baker/cook, but i guess my desire lies elsewhere and that's ok. i'm me and just they way i'm supposed to be.

uh-oh, my glands are swollen.

as i get older, i realize that things that once meant EVERYTHING to me will eventually mean nothing. and i guess the opposite is true too – things that meant nothing to me will eventually mean everything. i'm glad that certain things don't matter the way they used to, and am encouraged to know that the things that hurt me now won't in a little while. i've just got to make wise decisions and tone-down my recklessness.

it seems everyday i come home with something else for my apartment. a chair, a lamp, a trash can, a can opener, an extension cord, paint. what will it be tomorrow? that dang adapter for my facet! i've got to remember that.

this is the last day of our acquaintance

nail polish remover

my clothes often effect my moods. if i feel comfortable in my clothes then my day usually goes well. but if i'm being chaffed or my shirt isn't long enough, or my sox are too short then the day all goes to pot. today my shirt was too big. i felt like i was wearing a pillowcase. not flattering.

joy came over tonight and we had a great time rearranging my living room (again) and tearing out the ugly wallpaper in my bathroom. i have so many memories as kids helping my parents tear down wallpaper. but it was so much easier tonight because we got the paper really really damp. i don't know what those people were smoking when they hung that horrid paper, but i think they pasted over top some other paper, because there was like 3 layers! we had a really good talk. its funny how i've spent my whole life thinking joy and i were soooo different, but i actually think we're more alike than i realized. i was pleasantly surprised to discover she's been having a lot of the same thoughts i have lately, we're really on the same wave length. i wonder to myself, how can this be? we're at such different stages of life right now, we're so different, but we're 2 peas in a wacky pod. we're bound to be similar. its funny that my place is filled with our old furniture. joy doesn't have any of my parents stuff, but i need it and she doesn't.

the other day i saw a guy bike past my house with a large t.v. on his lap. then seconds later i heard this clunk sound outside the window and wondered what it was. then realized the guy had just past so rushed to the window to see him, his bike and his t.v. lying in the street. it was pretty funny until i realized i should probably help him. i started to rush to the door when i got distracted by another box that needed to be unpacked and as a result didn't make it out there. again, i'm a bad person. however... what kind of idiot tries to ride a bike with a large t.v.??

check this out: this is where meghan (aka spaz intern) is working for the summer. be watching for her bi-line coming next thursday.

my name isobel
married to myself
my love Isobel
living by herself

thunder

i live in a wood house. yup, that's right. i think all the walls in the maxi pad are wood and not drywall. even the ceiling. isn't that strange? joanna and michelle dropped by to see the place and each gave me a housewarming gift. that was nice of them. i got paint brushes from joanna and hand-made dishcloths from michelle. melissa gave me this really funny/cute welcome mat yesterday.

i swear i spent an hour looking for my hammer today. i have NO idea how it ended up in that closet with those bags of clothes.

well anyway, today at work i was given a jug by one of our v.p.'s because several months ago i made some business cards for his wife. she's a potter so she sent it with him to thank me. i really like it. its very nice and sentimental.

i've reached an interesting stage of life. i have friends in their mid-thirties and i have friends in their early 20s. i like that i feel comfortable meshing with such a diverse group. i guess that's normal as you get older, but its new for me. joy's coming over to help me tear out the wallpaper in my bathroom tomorrow night. i'm looking forward to that. as much as we've become friends over the last 2 years we never hang out just the two of us. she's going a little crazy the last few days being a stay-at-home mom and needs some time out of the house.

i really shouldn't scratch my eyes when they're itchy but it just feels so damn good. i can't help myself, i almost want to tearing them out and giving them a good rub down. but that's gross. and creepy. i can't believe i even said that.

i quite like our summer student. her name is tiffani and she's 21. i hope will be able to be friends, we chat quite easily. i appreciate having her around especially because i've been missing april already. i hope she finds a job soon.

so did anyone else notice they played metric on gray's anatomy on sunday? it was trippy. that's my favourite song on that album and when it started i almost sat up to look and see if my stereo had just turned on or something. it was surprising!

oh so i think i'm going to post-pone my housewarming shinding to the 14th or whatever the sunday after next is. i know, i told you yesterday that we were on for this week, but i've got some valid reasons. first of all, my mom is getting back from england on friday and wants to have sunday lunch. secondly, i decided to have it early so that my friends who are students could see it before they went away, but really who's still here who won't be the next week? thirdly, i don't have time to bake or have anything ready to serve. fourthly, the house will be more settled by then. HOWEVER, the downside is that everyone will probably drop by before then thus defeating the purpose of this get together in the first place.

i think i like my neighbours below me. i haven't had much interaction with them but i like that i can hear them, which makes me feel better if they can hear me. actually, i could listen to their conversations in my bathroom when they're in their kitchen if i wanted to. i said COULD not HAVE.

if you a get the feeling that its time you see me
do me a favor and let me know
'cause it's hard to tell
it's hard to say oh well, okay

pink patterned paper

i'm cold and itchy. stupid allergies. today i was telling knickers that i was wearing my glasses because my eyes were runny due to my allergies. she said "that's what happens to old people" why did she say that i wonder??

so our summer student started today. i have to say she put me to shame, i was embarrassed. my clothes were all frumpy and i was all sickly due to my allergies. she came in all dressed to the t and chipper. oh well what can you do? besides, that is probably her only nice-business outfit.

i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all this new apartment stuff. i'm sure it'll smooth over, but i'm a little nervous. there's so much to be done. on the other hand, i made some good progress in setting up my living room tonight. i'm really happy about that because i was really not liking how it was set up. obviously didn't get started on the bathroom. that's alright, i make the plans i can break the plans.

holy crap my eyes are blood-shot. ugh, i feel like crap.

hey, you friends who have left for the summer... don't forget to write to me. or send me a postcard for goodness sake, i'll post it up in my kitchen.

oh and you in-towners, i think we're on for this sunday - open house shindig. i'll keep you posted.

i wake up and i ask myself what state i'm in
and i say well i'm lucky, cause i am like east berlin
i had this wall and what i knew of the free world
was i could see their fireworks
and i could hear their radio
and i thought that if we met, i would only start confessing
and they'd know that i was scared
they'd would know that I was guessing
but the wall came down and there they stood before me
with their stumbling and their mumbling
and their calling out just like me