ending and beginning

rose: i took the fellas for a mini roadtrip down to napanee. it was a beautiful day, and we had a lovely drive with the windows down. this is also the day that our downstairs tenant is moving out. it was just a short-term arrangement, since i need that space for childcare. i'm thankfully that she lived with us for just 2 months, instead of a whole year. partly because it helped us make the decision that we are ready to occupy our whole house.

thorn: the aforementioned downstairs tenant no longer makes eye contact with me. and gives me short one or two word answers when i try to make small talk. it's hurtful and disappointing. things didn't end as positively as i expected or even hoped they would. truthfully, i don't really see any reason why for things to be this uncomfortable. while our interactions and relationship with her seems to have fizzled out, i suppose can be grateful that this experience wasn't worse.

yesterday's two roses

1) brendan made the most delicious fried chicken i have ever had.

2) lately on sunday evenings, we spend our after dinner time just hanging out in the grass of our backyard. it's oddly that time of day that eamon is most content to just play. it's interesting to me that it started as something to fill the time between dinner and bedtime, but it's fast becoming one of my favourite past-times. it seems that life kind of works that way. it's often the things we do to fill empty chunks of time that eventually define that time in our lives.

rose: we spent an overnight at a cottage with ben, meg and audrey, followed by an evening at beckie's cottage yesterday. it was really lovely.

thorn: for many years, my biggest anxiety was that when people got to know me, they would not like me. eventually, my self-confidence and self-worth improved, as well as my opinion of myself. i do however, feel that this is exactly what has happened with our current downstairs tenant. i feel like when she first moved in, she was very friendly and would interact with us a lot. and over the last month has increasingly grown to dislike us, even disapprove of us. which is hard, because we have tried to be accommodating, understanding, friendly and generous. it has me questioning myself a lot.

rose: usually on tuesdays, i don't feel like going into work at next in the morning. and usually the morning drags a bit, but by afternoon, i usually get busy and more people arrive, and by the time i leave it feels like a full and rewarding day. i particularly enjoy my regular chats with sue, steve and jill. i've been appreciating connecting and being in the loop with their lives. also, one of my most favourite things is taking something in need of improvement, and improving them. today i got to paint a chalkboard a next, since there was a sewing camp using my regular work space. it looked good, and i'm sure it will increase communication.

thorn: lately i've been very thirsty a lot of the time. i've also been feeling as though i've put on weight. i'm pretty sure there's a connection between those two things. at the very least, when you're dehydrated you retain water and feel heavier.

rose: when i was in college and procrastinating doing my work, i found that i got a niggley feeling when i was trying to relax, but knew i should be doing my homework. i always felt better once it was done. and that continues to this day. most of the time, i have a running list of things i should do, calls to make, emails to send, stuff to put away, etc. and today i addressed several things. it felt good. 

thorn: the biggest difference between one kid and two (for us) has been the increased volume. otis in particular is in a stage in which he yells in the top of his lungs just for the sake of yelling. he's always been a noisy kid, and i find it cute and endearing, but sometimes i can get overwhelmed when i'm trying to do something that requires thought and my two kids are screeching and the radio is playing. too much.

rose: i'm making some serious progress with my handcraft! i had hit a lull for a little while there. partly because i was frustrated that it was 3 steps forward, 2 steps back the whole way. but i'm finally in a groove, and feel like i'm rounding a bed and heading towards completing it. which is good, because i need to start on a new handcraft for my niece's birthday present, who is turning 6 in one month. also, i love all the strong female leads on game of thrones this season. they are really dominating!

thorn: i took the fellas to a kids program today to get us out of the house, only to be turned away because otis wasn't old enough. it was pouring rain, and we needed to do something to keep us busy, so i was pretty upset. i hadn't planned on him participating, but they wouldn't even let him be there. thankfully, they did let us into another group at the same location, which is normally french but there weren't other kids there so we got to play and participate without it being an issue. eamon is still keen to go to the other group sometime, and asked me if i could sometime leave otis with daddy and just take him. also, dealing with eamon flare-ups caused by disappointment is tough.

rose: talking with scarlete at the church picnic today. it's been a while since we've had a chance to get caught up. also, b and i got our kids in bed early enough today that we had time to watch a movie!

thorn: difficult interactions with a tenant. i'm consistently left confused and wondering what the hell just happened.

day-trip abroad

TODAY

rose: taking a road trip to watertown to get some good flea medication for the cat at target. getting to shop at target. having lunch at a 50s style american diner, and stopping at the zoo (which has only domestic and endangered animals). our favourite was the otters.

thorn: getting stuff at the border for 45 minutes. otis's car ride limit is around 1.5 hours before he starts to lose it. so smooth sailing at the border would've helped us avoid that.

YESTERDAY

rose: a nice visit with my mom. taking the fellas to meet her new kitty.

thorn: éamon broke my favourite umbrella.

hats and naps

rose: i've been so tired lately. it's been a busy week, with little down time at home. so this afternoon, i was so grateful for a short chunk of time, when eamon was playing in the bath, and otis was contently exploring the house (specifically his shared bedroom), and i could tidy up. then, when otis had a nap, eamon watched some peppa pig, and i got to nap on the bed beside him! i often feel like naps are wasted on children who don't appreciate them. so it was nice to get to have a quick nap.

thorn: i bought this hat today, that i thought was exactly what i was looking for (a straw hat that had a hole in the top for my hair). but it turns out it's like a straw fedora. i don't like it, and i feel embarrassed wearing it. i didn't realize at first, because it was folded down. but it's all wonky around the rim, because it's supposed to be bent up.

turn around

rose: well, it was announced today that i'm hired at next! i like that that's how i found out that i have a part-time job :p i'll be working 15 hours a week (5 hours over 3 days). which pairs nicely with my before and after school gig. i've really enjoyed volunteering at next. i've been doing one day a week since january. it meets a need/desire in my life, for concrete, hands-on work, with immediate sense of completion. parenting doesn't offer that kind of satisfaction (although, different kind). i feel like being in there more days will help me do more than scratch the surface. currently, i take otis along, but in september i'll have him in some kind of childcare situation (i have one good lead already).

thorn: yesterday i accidentally reset our router instead of the modem. i have never had a laptop, and therefore never had to set up wifi before. it was frustrating and stressful, partly because i was trying to fix it for others who do need it/depend on wireless, rather than an ethernet cable. it was also annoying, when i called the support line, and they tried to get me to pay for their services. i'm not paying for something i can figure out myself. thankfully, in the end, i did prevail.

four years

for the first time ever, eamon is at daycare on his birthday. i suppose it's a sign of our changing relationship, and his expanding world. although, otis and i are taking some cookies to the daycare for his class's afternoon snack, and he'll probably come home with us after that.

eamon at four is a pretty amazing kid. i love that gradually over the last year brendan and i have reached a point that we can have full-on conversations with him. he's inquisitive and engaged. he regularly surprises us with the things he remembers and his sense of direction. not only is it hard to believe that he's the same kid born four years ago today, it's shocking that a little baby who is barely aware of the world around him, much less the people, can develop into this little person. sometimes i think about all the stuff in life that he will discover down the road, such as world events like WW2, that he has no idea about. thankfully the learning curve of life allows us all to take things in a little at a time.

this past year changed us from a duo (speaking of me as a mom with one child) to a trio. and that hasn't always brought out the best in either of us. but on the other hand, when things are good, it brings me so much joy to watch my boys play and giggle together. i'm trying to do better. to read him better, and to teach him to read himself and the room. i want us to be co-collaborators and for our time together to be filled with love and peace. i also want us as individuals to feel... (i'm having difficulty coming up with a word) whole. i have this image of strong cloth in my head – absent of holes, tears, pulls, thin spots or stains. is there a word for that? well, i want us to feel that way when we're together. not new, but strong, in tact and comfortable. 

monday in the park

rose: this afternoon, when eamon was showing signs of needing some outdoor time, we went over to the park to hangout. i took a blanket, a magazine, some toys for otis and eamon took some sand toys. i love sitting in the shade on a sunny day, and i enjoyed a few minutes of peace before one or both of my kids were climbing on me. i may need to make that a regular after lunch activity. eamon did dump sand on the grass and on the baby, but i decided i was just going to let it go. it's not my sand, so i am not going to worry about it.

thorn: we stayed longer at the park than we planned, and i had told brendan that i would make dinner since we needed to leave at 5:00 for eamon's soccer lesson. so when 4:30 came around, brendan quickly threw together a simplified version of our planned meal. it put something in our bellies, but it was not filling, particularly tasty or sustaining. it particularly sucked because we missed out on greek food for joelle's birthday because of eamon's soccer. so our disappointing dinner was definitely today's thorn.

easy like a sunday morning

rose: overall, it was quite a lovely day. probably the most special bit was getting to nap in the afternoon :)

thorn: how messy, and remessy my house gets. i would say it's because i have small children, but i know it was like that when i lived alone too. maintaining cleanliness is not a strength of mine.

belated

yesterday's highs and lows...

rose: hanging out at the yard sale all day was really fun. we stayed longer than expected because we were having a good time, and didn't have any thing else we needed to be doing. afterward i took eamon swimming at the butlers' pool, thanks to our open invitation, and enjoyed a long visit with sarah and a visit with stephen too.

thorn: helping pack up all the stuff from the yard sale after a long day. i wish there had been more people around to help at that point, but we can learn from this experience. i'm going to write up a lessons learned document to share with the elders for next time.

yardsailing

rose: spending time with friends and my fellas, sorting all the yard sale stuff at next. i enjoyed joking and working together; loved that my kids could keep themselves occupied and play with other kids; getting to set an example for them to give time and energy to help others; finding quirky and appropriate gift for a friend; and scoring a bunch of great stuff from the yard sale lot.  

thorn: the hour of so when brendan and i sorted through the stuff by ourselves, because the other volunteers forgot to come. i felt let down and angry that i'd gotten my hopes up. that people had made a commitment that i trusted they would keep, but didn't. we'd made a decision as a group that we wanted to do a yard sale, and i was wondering if people liked the idea in theory more than in practice. BUT we seem on track for tomorrow. i followed up with a few folk, and they sound firm in their commitment. so i'm glad. it'll work out in the end.

baths and libraries

rose: i had another really enjoyable day with my sons. i especially liked that eamon, repeatedly asked to sit on my lap, which i realized he hasn't really done in a while since he's been having to be the big brother. another rose is that when i had to give my cat a bath (to get rid of the flea dirt she's covered in at the moment), she did not claw at me, or cut me once. she did make load, low guttural noises, but that was ok. i would happily endure sounds that imply that i'm torturing her, than be clawed for helping her out.

thorn: the library wouldn't let me put a flyer for my before and after school service up. they don't promote "businesses". while i understand that, it stinks because it's a really convenient location (right beside the school). i know it's still early, but it would be really nice if i could start meeting parents and getting some kids signed up. i only have 3 spots. that seems like a realistic number to fill. so i've posted my flyers at various parks instead.

unnecessary errands

my most obvious rose and thorn of the day involve the same story. renting a carpet cleaner to dry out of basement only to find it was already dry.

rose: we were able to return it and be refunded. and the carpet was dry.

thorn: we wasted a good hour or so renting it, then returning it.

other noteworthy rose and thorn moments were...

rose: otis napped well at next, it was complete smooth sailing with eamon tonight.

thorn: feeling unsure that the next yard sale this weekend will come together as a community effort, and not rest mostly on my shoulders.

most bizarre and amusing part of my day was when we found the spare mattress from our basement on the side of the road about a block and a half from our house. a tale for another time.

rose: this afternoon, i found a recipe for a cleaning solution that would cut the grease covering various parts of my kitchen. it was made of vinegar, dish soap, baking soda and water, and it worked really well. our windows are right beside the oven, and are something of a featured element in our kitchen. which makes it that much more noticeable that they were covered in dusty grease grime. yuck. so i'm really pleased.

other things i'm glad about: i made a cape for eamon's birthday (something to wear), and the lunch bag i ordered him (something you need) arrived today in the mail. it was on back order, so i wasn't sure if it would arrive in time. thankfully it did.

thorn: coaching eamon to have healthy interactions with others continues to be a struggle (but one i felt i made some progress with today). i'm starting to think though, that this new parenting style i've been reading about seems to enable, if not simply permit kids to get away with bad behaviour (re: poor and belittling treatment of others). so being mindful of what i've learned, i tried to stand up for myself in order to put my foot down. i see moderate improvement. i also see a lot of myself in him. this could be used to my advantage, and his advantage too, because i'll be able to help him navigate his feelings.

this afternoon i got some quality time with my eamon. it feels like it's been a while since we've had some good one-on-one time, and it restored my hope and our dynamic. i guess it's true what they say about needing to make time with each individual kid. it's tricky, because i feel like we're together all the time, so how could he possibly need MORE time with me. but it seems that he does, and i do too.

on our way home from a completely beautiful wedding this weekend (in more ways than one), we stopped at a service station. we'd left eamon in k-town with his nana while we were at the wedding. and were constantly amazed at how much easier just one kid was. we had time and opportunity for conversation. we got to stay out later. really there were lots of reasons. and i found it gave us head space and clarity. so while i was alone in the service station washroom, i thought "my hair would look great with a streak of colour in it", like back in my twenties when i did that kind of thing. and i planned to go pick up some wash-out hair dye later that day. but now that we're home, and juggling two kids again, that notion of self-care or even fun self-expression has fallen to the wayside. which is kind of sucky.

i wouldn't even mind, if it felt like this stage of parenting was slightly more rewarding. we have good moments. like this evening when eamon and i took a walk up the street and back a few times. and while he sat on my lap at the buskers. i also really enjoy having conversations with him. but it's impossible to know when those lovely moments might just explode in my face.

looking forward to tomorrow's bright spots. and optimistic that we'll handle the challenges from a positive angle

today was one of those days that i got a lot of stuff done that i've been needing to do. you know, all those things that are at the back of your mind. the ones that when you think about them, you say "ah, i've been meaning to do that". i got a bunch of those things done today, and it was great. i'm so glad. sometimes a bunch of little successes are more important than one big one.

i'm still here.

i haven't anything to say at the moment, but so i thought, since i had some spare time, that i would simply say that.