godspeed

too busy

and

too tired for blogging.

must go to bed.

no time or energy to write thoughts.

will write again some day when have more of above stated.

don't you worry it'll all work out.

diagonally

all day long it's felt like i was on vacation already. oh what a harsh reality will hit me at 6:20 tomorrow morning when i wake for work. ugh.

i got to give myself one more chance,
to be the woman that i know i am.

periphery

uh-oh, my fridge is making a crazy and loud sound nonstop. this can't be good. my landlord won't be pleased if he has to replace it, it might ruin his budget.

well, as you may have noticed, i haven't posted since wednesday. this is most unlike me. i've been really busy and not finding the time for all i want to do. even today, i had such a jam-packed day that i forgot to brush my teeth. i slept til 1 pm, which was great and clearly something i needed to do, but as a result half the day was gone. beck stopped by for a long visit then i headed to melinda's place for her birthday bbq. it was really fun, i don't recall when i went to a bbq like that last, i really enjoyed it.

i was telling beckie today that my hair is really poofy after showering. i didn't know what to do with it today because it had so much volume. she said it was the humidity that i love so much, but i beg to differ. because after having it pulled back into a ponytail for a couple of hours it has de-poofed and is looking great. i'm very suspicious of the fact it always looks best when no one sees me. it feels like a ploy against me.

i think i often hold back when giving my opinion because i want people to make their own decisions. i feel it's necessary for everyone to choose for themselves, but i'm starting to wonder if in fact that might be a disservice. they can still make their own choices, but they might be more informed. i guess i'm just afraid that someone might turn around and say "you told me to do this! i never wanted to but you thought i should and now look what's happened!!" i like to be responsible for my own bad decisions, so there's no one else to blame but myself. hence my tendency to leave others to their own devises. but i promised a friend today that i would always be honest with her, and i intend to be.

i want to make a "in ten years" book. i want to make a collective journal in which myself and all my friends write to foretell where/what they will/want to be in ten years. that might be difficult, i can't even predict what i'll be doing at thirty. sometimes that's exciting, other times i'm terrified. what if i'm nothing, what if i fail. am i undeserving? i can't decide. sometimes i think i deserve everything, other times i feel entitled to nothing. i'm a dreamer, a poet in my own right – easy swept up in romantic notions of life. i want in on all of lifes secrets, but i need to fight the urge to read the last chapter. what's going to happen. how's it going to end. those are questions that can wait. knowing what happens only takes away the enjoyment.

mystery is both over and under-rated.

since then it's been a book you read in reverse
so you understand less as the pages turn.

queen anne's lace

ugh, i'm freakin' exhausted. dead on my feet.

frank and i went to ottawa for a photoshop seminar today. it was really awesome. i'm in the coolest profession :D i learned a lot, probably much more than frank, but he's been at it for longer than me. it was really neat. i'm a nerd.

ugh, that's all i can tell you right now. i wish i was in bed an hour ago.

am i wrong to want more than a folk song?

envelopes

how are things? i'm plugging away on hatch. i'm pleased with it, even though it's progressing slowly. i've listen from k to m on my itunes. i guess that doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is. if you'd passed my house this evening you would have seen me air-drumming thru the window. that might account for my slow goings.

oh frig, my mom tried to set me up with some guy today. it was awkward. i politely told her i wasn't interested and am happy in my current state. i'm light-years away from desperation.

i've concluded that i've developed quite the potty-mouth. this shouldn't surprise me because my boss swears like a sailor, but it was still something i wasn't aware of. i only swear when i'm angry or expressing myself, but considering my scottish-irish genes this happens quite a lot. i must learn to put a rein on my tongue.

i need a picture of a cemetery. anyone? anyone? seriously, the first person to get me a photo of a graveyard will get... something really cool.

summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. a few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world. ~ ada louise huxtable

quite contrary

admittedly, i have had a really great weekend and wish that i did not have to go to work tomorrow. besides the fact that it's always super fun to be at home putsying around in the warm weather, i'm starting to really get into my layout of hatch and would prefer working on that tomorrow to going to work.

this afternoon i went to the next/rustle old fashion church picnic. and i must say it was really quite fun. i only recall going to one church picnic before and that was when i was a pre-teen. i remember sitting on a dock with melinda at lemoine's point. it was one of our first hang-out times and i remember feeling very awkward. i was shy, and before then she and i had always been sworn enemies. anyways, back to the present. i took the cookies that i baked yesterday along with a blanket, and a frisbee to eat off. it was fun. we played a number of picnicky games, the most hilarious was the one when we have to spin around with our heads to a baseball-bat then run to a destination. i knew i would suck at it, but i didn't expect to be AS terrible as i actually was. oh dear...

i really enjoyed getting the opportunity to chat with a variety of different people. i'll never forget when gerald suddenly smashed the watermelon only 2 feet away from me. eww.

i think i have a sun burn. oh, bad news... i caved and used a fan in the maxi pad. couldn't make it the whole summer! oh well.

i got soul, but i'm not a solider.

watering can

melinda and i watched "20 best brit bands from the last 25 years" on much more music tonight while we made avocado mouse. it ironically also turned out to be the "top 20 most sexually ambiguous bands" list. or so it may seem. i'm not sure what that says about british people.

when i woke up (at 12:45) i felt an overwhelming urge to bake. this is most unlike me. regardless, i DID bake some cookies, and had to make two trips to the store for supplies. i'm thankful that i discovered that the hind-quarter deli is so frickin close to my house. handy! i've deemed it my new corner store. things change. today i became a baker, what will i be tomorrow?!?!

sometimes i get an urge to be isolated. i aspire to be like amélie. she was very secluded.

melinda did a simpson avatar of me. what do you think? is it in my likeness??

and sometimes you close your eyes,
and see the place where you used to live,
when you were young.

listen to what i'm not saying.

percentage

i've been recruited as the designer of the secondary issue of hatch. the zine produced by storytellers anonymous. al, brenda and i rendezvoused at the maxi pad to discuss this months issue. i've committed to next wednesday as a deadline for the first draft. it was fun hanging out with them. man, that al is snoopy :p

al so busted me. we'd made a pact to never join facebook, and now i've betrayed him. oh how he made me grovel.

i'm feeling borderline insane these days. it's possible that reading harry potter is helping me retain my last shred of sanity. escapism is a necessity. i think me and everyone i know is getting the vacation bug.

the trouble is my head won't let me forget.

user friendly

i never cease to be amazed by what i'm capable of doing when i'm on my own. often i'm faced with unpleasant tasks, injuries or events when i'm alone, but i always rise to the challenge. phew! that's a reassuring thought for an independent lady. this evening i had to cut down a hornet's nest that was tucked in the corner of my awning. believe me, this was something i'd much prefer to leave to a friend or big burly man, but there were none around. just me. i had to be my own mcknight in shining armour. and it was fine. i've been taking care of myself a long while now. it can be exhausting, but when you haven't known anything else it's not so bad. at least i don't have to take care of anyone else.

this morning i dropped a full glass of milk in my bedroom and it shattered all over the floor. needless to say, this made me late for work.

i have some strange social reservations. do you suppose that can be overcome with a little practice and a little pixie dust?

what's new in my adventures in facebook land? well i've gotten in touch with a couple people from college and a came across some CRAZY mutual friend situations i was unaware of. so far i can safely say things i haven't gotten carried away. i almost think the novelty is wearing off already.

everyone's a captain kirk.

open

well, i've reactivated my facebook account. i hope you're all happy. those of you who've been hounding me.... you KNOW who you are ;) i had to ask terrence for some help. it was hilarious – the blind leading the blind. it's rather cumbersome.

today is miss joelle's fourth birthday, but she's in germany with the oldings. so i went out for rhonda's birthday instead. they share the same birthdate. super cool.

i made fermented orange juice today in my nalgene bottle. well i didn't make it exactly, more discovered it when i opened the lid and it'd become carbonated.

well for some reason my head is over heated. terrence said when i feel the the burn it means facebook is working properly.

if i only knew the answer,
i wouldn't be bothering you, father.

ruler

why does my hair always look it's best right before bed, or when no one else gets to see me. it's a shame really.

i've self-diagnosed myself with a sleep-disorder. well, sort of. i'm going to force myself to get into bed at the same time every night and try and do restful things before bedtime (not run a marathon and then get into bed. haha, like i'd ever do that. i'm sure gen would discourage that). i have a serious problem with not being tired, not being able to fall asleep and then wake up in the morning feeling ill with tiredness. i badly need a vacation. however, more sleep will have to do the trick in the meantime.

this morning i woke up feeling like death and proceeded to have the crappiest morning. it was terrible. one thing after another. when i was a kid, my family's favourite book was alexander and the terrible horrible very bad day, and let's just say i was having one of those mornings. it kicked my ass! but oddly enough, the afternoon was significantly better and by the time i drove out of the bbd security gates i was thinking what i great day i'd had. this made me stop and reflect on how quickly i get over stuff. it doesn't take much to wipe the slate clean of something crappy. which i think is really great and i appreciate it a great deal, however i recognize that it can be hard for others when i'm all like "la la la" and they're still upset about something that happened. i have a selectively bad memory.

well my eyes are feeling droopy. this could be a good sign.

if i find my own way,
how much will i find?

dragon

where do i start?

what do i disclose?

i'm flooded with a plethora of thoughts and emotions. and i don't know what to tell you, yet i want to spill my guts. to somehow find a way to articulate how i'm feeling in a way to get it out of my system. sometimes there just aren't enough words. sometimes there are, but speaking them makes no difference.

i need to talk to you, but you're so tight-lipped i can never extract from you what i need to hear! you frustrate me to high heaven and there's nothing can be done.

on a complete different note...
david came to ktown for a visit this weekend :) it makes me smile to even talk about him again. it was really great to see him and i'm SO SO SO glad that we've resolved everything between us. i had a lot of fun with him and terrence last night, although the two of them together keeps me on my toes. i've concluded that david has crazy powers of suggestion over me, and told him that if he ever became a dark lord he'd have no problem convincing me to join him on the dark side. keep in mind we went to see harry potter, so i've got this whole dark-side mentally going on, however, he has me almost convinced to bite the bullet and re-join facebook. ya i know... well i guess that was a little heads-up on things to come.

i sat reading on my balcony this afternoon and dozed of a little. it was sunny and breezy and made me wish i had a hammock to lie on. and a body to lie with.

i have a feeling i will sleep very lightly tonight. i guess i'll have to try my best to create a sleep-friendly environment.

i don't know anymore
what it's for
i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun
will you help me to understand
cause i been caught in between all i wish for and all i need

glow

as i walked home tonight in the dark, the though struck me... i will most likely be walking up this street alone and barefoot this time next year. but the thing is, as much as i tried to make that thought devastate me, it didn't. and i realized, i'm ok!

my world is back in orbit.

give me books, fruit, french wine, fine weather and a little bit of music...

triangle

i don't know what's worse: pms or cramps. i feel like ass but at least i've regained my sanity. i felt so sick all day, it's too bad because it kind of ruined my second day of first-aid training. aside from feeling terrible, the training was really fun and i feel really confident that i have the skills necessary to help someone effectively. i realized that i haven't done first-aid training in 13 years when i was doing my bronze cross. things have changed drastically since then. back when i was a swimmer i enjoyed the first-aid stuff so much that i wanted to be a paramedic. i've been glad i didn't go that route, however over the past two days i've been reminded why it was something that interested me so much. i'm good at it, i remember things well and catch on quickly. although, that doesn't mean i wouldn't choke when faced with a real-life crisis so i'll continue to hope that never happens.

i know i'm going to be fine. it's the uncertainty that's a killer. you're behaving badly and you have no excuse. i wonder if you'll eventually cross a line and i'll tell you i've had enough.

why are people always swearing when they pass my house??!? do i live in a particularly scandalous neighbourhood that it makes people reactionary?

i'd like a pickle. i wonder if it would aggravate my stomach...

if you always get up late,
you're never gonna be on time.

dermis

sometimes i really have lots to say and i want to tell you all about it but it's late and i haven't the time. i'm taking a two day first-aid training course at work, it's been really neat! i'll tell you more about it tomorrow. i also had beckie over for a little bit this evening, then rachel came over for a much overdue visit. we drank a little bit of bubbly ;) it's been a fun day.

i love the heat. oh baby ya!

i'm just coming here to come down.

library

the house is dark except for the glow of my mackintosh. i'm in my pjs, ready to get into bed upon clicking "publish post". it's imperative for me to gain control over my sleeping habits. my nights are wrought with sleeplessness and my mornings pummel me with exhaustion. it's like my internal clock is in a different time-zone. something must be done...

in light of my current pmsy state, i decided to do a little research into the beast that is pms. as usual i turned to wikipedia, the most trusty of all internet resource tools (and quite possibility the most incorrect). it was very educational! the symptoms were especially interesting. hurray! pms is now the excuse for even more bad behaviour! w

i picked up a copy of harry potter and the philosophers stone the other day. it's an easy read, just a fun story, it's nice to get lost in such things. yes, this IS my first time reading it, i was really slow in boarding the harry potter train due to various overly zealous church-goers i know. the "controversy" over harry (if we can call it that) turned me off the whole deal until i came across the first movie on tv one summer's eve in 2005. since then my life has changed :p

you always played it by heart,
like a patron saint or a patron of the arts.

red flag

dreams are something that have always been analyzed. what do they mean? are they prophetic? are they symbolic? for me, they unlock my subconsciouses. they allow me to explore avenues that my normal controlled self won't allow, because it's dangerous or hurtful. i also find, on numerous occasions i've found myself in circumstances that i have previously dreamt. all of a sudden a dream i'd had months ago will flash into my head, and i'll recall "i dreamt this moment". it's as though my mind has a still-frame that my real life walks into. it's really trippy. it's some crazy form of déjà vu.

i don't like who i am when i'm around her. i'm disdained or goofy, and she makes me feel like i only have unintelligent things to say. but let me tell you, i'm not nearly as stupid as she thinks i am.

good news... i'm well on my way to being a normal contributing member of society. today i went to rustle church. al asked me to do the reading, i almost declined because of my fear of reading in public, but instead felt it would be another step to overcoming that insecurity. so i did it. and i think i did pretty good! yay!

i promise you i will learn from my mistakes.

cupcake

i knew i pmsing when the librarian told me the book i wanted was out and i almost cried.

forced to live like it's a curfew,
translation: it means i love you.

copious

i might be too expectant. it's completely possible that i expect too much from my life and it may not deliver. i'm not convinced that people who demand the most are the most satisfied. to the contrary, i think people who expect little end up pleasantly surprised. but i don't think it's the kind of thing you can just turn off, or teach yourself not to do. i'm afraid my gut instinct is most often detrimental. how do you live when your greatest opposing force is yourself? it's like trying to will yourself into complacency, which i think completely defeats the purpose.

was it ever hard to justify it
to someone else or to yourself?

hawthorn

i MUST get into bed at a reasonable time tonight. ideally early, but we'll see how that goes. i've been exhausted getting up all week, and this morning i was extremely grumpy because i couldn't find my pants and it made me late for work. i spent 10 minutes looking for them. it was so mind-boggling – like how can you lose a pair of pants?!?!

i go thru stages where i feel a need to talk a lot. this is not one of those times. i'm feeling very non-conversational lately, and that frustrates me because i have little to say in social situations. my head is empty of it's usual anecdotes and tales. i've decided that reading is a good solution to this problem, it will fill my mind with stuff, since it's been quite barren of thoughts.

i rode my bike to reid's dairy tonight where i bought a box of 24 banana popsicles. they will provide me and my guests hours of eating pleasure. come to my house, we'll eat one together.

i think we're more influenced by the people around us than we realize. and yet, we can live our entire lives with friends and family who are completely different than us, and remain unaffected. it's been a while since someone new has strongly influenced me. the impact is subtle but it doesn't go unnoticed.

i'm in a race against the clock. can i be in bed in eleven minutes??

rebecca, i overheard the plan,
but i don't know what happens when you're gone.

mother parker

tell me something. it's totally weird that when i put down saucers of tuna fish water for my kitties today that they ran away right??

on the way home from work, i passed an accident. a car had obviously prematurely turned left and sideswiped another. as i peered onto the scene i saw an old lady standing just out of the way, clearly trying to calm herself after being struck on her way to who knows where. when i saw her my heart went out to her. she looked to fragile & alone and yet sweet & gentle. it both frightened and comforted me. i suppose in a way, being old is no more scary than it is to be young.

i've been surprised by how my summer is unfolding. it's not bad, i guess i'm just surprised it's so different than what i expected. but i suppose it's true what they say that things change fast. but why is all the wrong things? or why is it everyone else?

joy is the kind of person who learns from other people's mistakes, where i'm the kind of person who will only learn by doing. but at least i learn. i'm relieved to see that i'm sort of getting the hang of things. and i've discovered that whatever's not actually "the end of the world" are usually things i can do without.

i could do a lot of things
and i do.

rolling pin

there's a mosquito in here!!!

frank cautiously approached me this morning and asked how i was. i told him i was fine and politely asked how he was in return. he said he was fine too, but quickly went back to me, he was concerned. he said i looked like i was really upset, like my whole world had come crumbling down. this alarmed me. because i don't feel that way, and yet it caused me to second guess myself and wonder why my face was giving that impression. sometimes my face looks angry when i'm simply just not smiling. but he said i didn't look angry, i looked upset. i really wasn't upset though. i'm certain i was just tired and feeling the work-week kick-in.

i worry about what messages my face is conveying. what secrets it's revealing. beckie assured me this weekend that a person would really need to know me in order to determine what my face is saying. i'm relieved. i worry that my eyes tell too much.

you're looking over my shoulder.

if i can be
constant and faithful,
you'll find me
in my devotion.

tupperware

beckie arrived home friday night, and has kept me very busy all weekend. it's been really nice having her back, and i've loved having her company around the maxi pad. i like that i don't have to entertain her and feel free to do my own thing since she does her own thing.

i made salsa twice this weekend. the first time my hand got a cramp, the second time i used melinda's hand bender that i found in my cupboard (which is actually the reason why i made it the second time).

it's been a really relaxing long-weekend, saturday we did errands, cooked, walked downtown, watched "maid in manhattan" on t.v. followed by "dazed and confused". interesting combo. gotta love late night tv.

yesterday beck headed up to her cottage and i joined her after i had sunday lunch with my family. i got lost twice, but you know, it's not a real road trip in the batmobile if i don't get lost several times. i apparently take instructions very literary. anyway, we had a lot of good laughs, good talks and good eats. we listened to a lot of ani difranco and went canoing.


i think i'm chickening out about this tattoo thing. i think i'd rather wait until i have no apprehensions. maybe it's the kind of thing that you can't feel 100% without apprehension, but i'd rather feel more certainty than i have been feeling.

my life is good. i have great friends. i have a home that fits me like a glove. i have an awesome church community. i have an ideal job. i have two little kitties that are less than family but more than a household appliance. i have good health. and a car that gets me from a to b (even if there's a few detours along the way).

i'm gonna go hit the showers to wash the smell of snails off me. later!

flickr

the world is my oyster,
the road is my home,
and i know that i'm better off alone.