imprint

a number of weeks ago i said to shanno "i wonder what i'll be like in my 50s" and she said she thinks i'll be pretty much the same. that's encouraging. today i caught a glimpse of myself in 20 years. it was warm and comforting – i think i'm really gonna like it, just as i like my life now.

it cracked open today. i wandered around in shock for the next hour, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. it was awesome. i have lived, dreamed, longed for this moment. and now it's within arm's reach it feels like everything is possible.

it's been 8 years since i went back to school. back then i dreaded fall. but in recent years i've looked forward to the fresh start of september. it's funny because my routine doesn't change, but i think the settling of those around me brings into peace along with them. i'm delighted about autumn, i think it's the most sensory of all the seasons. when i was younger i was always fully immersed in each season that it came to me as a surprise when the seasons changed. now i have a greater understanding that with enough time the seasons will change. i've also come to appreciate that each season has it's own wonderful qualities.

i really love my dreads. i think i'll keep them indefinitely.

those are the feet that dance to your tune.

peacocking

i like when i'm able to ride on the coattails of life. this weekend i went up to beckie's cottage to see her before she heads back to the north. we watched sex and the city, drank wine, and went swimming with her brother in the rain. beck is a very easy person for me to be around, and i enjoy her company. every time i go to her cottage i end up staying one night longer than planned, but this time i was certain that wouldn't happen because she had to leave on saturday night to go the ottawa. but she ended up inviting me to ottawa with her. i enjoyed the drive, i blared my music and enjoyed the freedom of the open road with nothing demanding that i go home as per scheduled. the hotel was nice and i enjoyed a morning swim when we got up this morning at 6:30 am. i helped her get to the airport then i hit the road. i really enjoy taking opportunities when they arise. the thing is...

...life rarely happens to me. i happen to life. and i kind of hate that. in all my life, i can think of about 3 things that have happened to me that changed the course of my life. everything else has to be lesley-initiated (nothing in my life is outside of my control. i do everything by choice). and the reason why i hate that is because i love it when i suddenly find myself doing something great and unexpected. i want that to happen more often. if i don't leave my job next year and proceed with my plans, my life would continued unchanged for the next 20 years. this time last year i was totally stuck in a rut, frustrated and feeling trapped. i tried a few things to unstuck myself to no avail, and as a result i'm in the exact same position i was in last year, only i'm a year older. thankfully, i'm more content, and am glad i tried even though nothing worked out as i hoped. so as i gaze forward toward the rhythm of a new school year, i'm certain nothing unorchestrated by me will happen. which is a real shame, because i'm up for adventure. as i write this i can almost hear someone saying telling me "things happen when you least expect it!" which i know, but in spite of that the forecast is looking "same-old same-old" for the next 11 months because there's absolutely no reason to believe this year will be any different. however, after this year... the world will be my oyster and it won't know what hit it :)

did you know you can resurface a super scratched dvd with some toothpaste and a non-lint cloth? i just gave it a try (after reading about it on the internet) and it worked like a charm!

take me through the darkness to the break of the day.

acid

we conspired.
it's a conspiracy.

gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight.

rubber bands

there was a pigeon dying in the driveway. it was hurting – that much i could tell. it immediately made me panic, felt like i was drowning from the bottom of my lungs. i parked on the road and quickly walked to my door without looking at it. i was distraught and didn't know what to do. those are remnants of animal trauma i experienced as a child – i watched my favourite dog run into the street and get hit by a car in a very blood ordeal. seeing an injured animal is extremely difficult for me (i rarely cry in movies but the times i have were usually related to animals – babe pig in the city, city slickers, etc). when i was 6 years old i found an injured bird in my backyard, it was a robin. my mom got a cardboard box for me to put it in, i think we made it a little bed of towels. i sat with it as it died, blood came out of it's beak. when it died we buried it under a tree. when i saw the pigeon in my driveway i immediately thought of the robin. unlike when i was a kid, i understood it was dying, and thought perhaps the only thing i could do was help it along so it would die faster. but i couldn't do it, i just waited it out. i knew it would soon die, and i wanted for someone to remove it for me. i wanted to call for my daddy to come and rescue me, to bury it. but i felt silly, so i tried to think of someone in the area, someone i could ask to help me out. but i thought of sarah, and how she had to clean up a cat she found in her street. sometimes adults have to take care of these things, it's a part of life. so after it died i got a shovel and carried it across the street, then called the health unit to let them know that i'd found a dead bird and where it was so they could come get it. the whole experience left me with mixed feelings: 1) that sometimes i need someone elses help, someone to take care of me, look out for me, to protect me. 2) that there's nothing i'm incapable of doing when i have to. sometimes i feel as thought i'm caught in the middle. i don't know if i'm coming or going. a grown child or an emerging adult. sometimes i feel stuck in between and it makes me frustrated that i'm not able to be either here or there.

i'm pmsing and beginning to feel sorry for myself. i should go to bed before i start to spiral.

you disappeared so often,
like you dissolved into coffee.

fargo

it would be so amazing to go back in time and talk to myself as a teenager. i have a sneaking suspicion that my young self would not appreciate or approve of the things my current self would have to say. that reality came alarmingly clear the other day when i came across some a book that i had censored. it's a book of misheard lyrics. it's actually quite funny, it's called he's got the whole world in his pants a few of my friends gave it to me in highschool. it has pages of misheard lyrics along side the correct words – i'm sure we've all mis-sung songs before. the book contains several illustrations to go along with the misheard lyrics. i haven't looked at it in 10-12 years, but when i took my book shelves down on saturday to paint i flipped thru it. it turns out that on one of the pages where there was an illustration of a naked couple running thru a field i took a black pen and drew black boxes over the private parts. when i first saw my censorship my jaw dropped, but very slowly the memory flooded back, along with the recollection of how self-righteous i was while editing the page. when i saw my censorship i found it quite funny and laughed at myself, but after my giggles faded i felt frustration and annoyance at my behaviour. that was before i took life-drawing class, in hindsight that class really changed my life, or was one of many life changing experiences. frig, i can't believe i was so uptight! no doubt my 17-year-old self would consider me very "liberal" and look down on me. but at the same time, i think i'd also inwardly look at my 29-year-old self with respect and awe. i've mellowed with age. matured i guess. i live freely now, in a way i didn't know was possible but am so glad that it is. i wonder how i'll be different in another 12 years. how life will change me and how i will change life. i wonder what my 41-year-old self would say to me right now. it's exciting and beautiful how much one can change and grow in a life time.

i do it just because i want to.

leak

this evening i went to a pilates class for the very first time. i liked it. it was harder than yoga, but not unsimilar. i'm going to see if i can do both yoga and pilates because they're different and i think they both have their benefits. it was interesting the way the instructor's teaching style is so differently to yogi master dennis. i'm still hoping that i'll have a class with more friendly people. i'm starting to wonder if most people are not friendly and feel uncomfortable when a person is chatty or sociable. one thing i found odd about both tonight's class and my regular yoga gig is that the teachers never find out their student's names. if i was instructing a group like that i'd make sure i'm on a first name basis with everyone, but perhaps that's not the norm. i really worked out my abs. she said "if you're shaking, you're in the right position" – i was shaking alright :) i like doing new things.

i have three books on the go right now. i never do that. the first one is a book called "playing with boys" that i'm kind of reading between books. secondly, i'm reading "the memory keeper's daughter" which i'm finding depressing and tedious (i've heard it gets better tho). thirdly, my dad brought by a library book called "the burden of desire" which i think is a hilarious title, especially odd considering it's about the halifax explosion. he got it out for me because i'd just been asking him about the explosion because of a segment in "the birth house". he said this book is excellently written. since it's a library book i think i'll read it first and put the others a virtual shelf.

i wonder if everything i do,
i do instead of something i want to do more.

slice of life

this is exactly what my boss is like...

Business Guys on Business Trips

(especially "july 13" and "june 29" - it's almost frightening.)

squeegee

this afternoon i took a screen-printing class at made4you. there was supposed to be 4 people, but it turned out that i was the only person. that was kind of disappointing because i was looking forward to interacting with a group, but i was able to chat with barb the instructor more and have one-on-one coaching. i did two shirts, one with some mushrooms on it, and one with some feathers. i'm kind of disappointed with how the feathers one turned out with, i wish i chose different colours (although hot pink and glow-in-the-dark are pretty cool), but you know what? it is what it is, and i'll wear it, and enjoy it. i'm kinda proud of myself for taking a workshop, and i enjoyed myself.

i've been thinking more on about this whole redecorating my room thing. i'm kind of surprised by it because i had my room plain white covered in posters for years and years. i enjoyed it at the time, but i was ready for a change. i like that i've had opportunities to live my life one way, and then another way. i'm not just talking about my room anymore. like, i used to sleep until 2 pm on saturdays, but now i get up earlier and enjoy putsying around my house while listening to GO on cbc. i think it's partly a process of maturing – of growing out of a phase, and partly that change is good when it comes at the right time. things run their course, and when that happens i enter a new phase happy and rejoicing.

i had a long conversation with my family about my future today at lunch. i cried. they were very supportive, but i felt defensive and insecure. while at the same time i feel excited and certain. this is a complicated stage for me, and i really recognize that i fear regret – A LOT. thankfully, both my mom and joy were very sure that things will work out, although they did both keep saying "you never know what can happen in a year". that's KIND OF true, but nothing ever changes in MY life from year to year, so i think it's pretty safe to proceed with my plans.

i have tried in my way to be free.

acoustic

well, it's been a long day, but i got it all done. i'm pretty pooped. but it looks good and was worth it. i really love painting and being industrious :) the colour turned out great, and the bonus is that it only cost me 10 bux because someone else had bought and returned it because it was the wrong colour. i kind of call it avocado green.

i did something special with this paint project. i created a stencil and painted it on one of the walls. it's silhouetted birds. i love it, i think it's awesome. i can hear shanno in my head saying that she hates birds, but i hope she'll be contradictory and say she likes it :p


while at value village the other day i picked up a headboard for my bed for 9.99. i'm pretty pleased with it – it finishes off my room nicely. and i took a side table from my living room and put it beside my bed, so i feel like i have a proper bedroom set now. i'm really tickled.


it's been a really good day. satisfying and productive. i listened to the flight of the conchords all day, i like listening to musical type things when painting or puzzling. the fact that they're hilarious makes it even better :)

i had other things i wanted to say, but i've kind of forgotten because i'm tired. i'm tired but not sleepy. i'm gonna go watch some tv, i hope something mindless and entertaining is on.

ciao!

if i have been untrue,
i hope you know it was never to you.

black bear

i'm currently sitting on my bed while tying at my desk. my room is disheveled because i've started painting. i think it's going to look really pretty, but the colour may require three coats – which sucks because i may not have enough paint. i'll keep my fingers crossed. i think i might paint another coat before bed so that wall is dry and i can move my desk up against it so i can pull my bed out into the middle of my room. i'll sleep in another room tonight.

the concert last night was great. turns out modest mouse has two sets of drums that play in every song. seeing them live answered my question about whether they have two lead singers of if the one guy does all his own back up – he does. i love his singing, with his lispy sound, plus he's an incredible lyricist.

apparently every friday evening there's free swimming over at leo lafleur pool across the street from my house. i had no idea! so i went over this evening when i got home from my errands. it was my first time swimming since mexico. to my great delight i bumped into the butler clan, sarah and i went down the slide. it was super fun. i wish i'd known about that all summer. oh well, next year.

well the point was fast but it was too blunt to miss.

embarrassed

beck and i are going to see modest mouse tonight at the ale house. we're pretty excited.

on that note... i should go.

life handed us a paycheck, we said, "we worked harder than this!"

birds

it seems some of the ladies at work feel it's appropriate to baby me. i don't need to be mothered by my mother, i don't need other people who don't know how capable i am trying to take care of me.

today someone called my extension and asked for "tracey" i found this odd because the girl who had my job before me was named tracey, but i just said "you have the wrong number". she hesitated but tried again, asking by her full name, so i told her that tracey hasn't worked for bombardier in 6 years. she seemed quite surprised to hear that. it was truly bizarre. i'm certain it was an old friend trying to track her down. i'm really surprised that this woman thought that after all these years tracey would still have the same job. i know that some people hold the same job for a long time, but she'd already been with the company a while before she left. it seemed to me that during the last 6 years i've had 4 new colleagues in my department, 3 new presidents, 3 different office cleaners, 3 different food providers, 3 new computers, 5 different site managers, 1 carpooler, 3 company re-brandings, 3 different tea cups, renovations, new carpet, thousands of emails, friends come and go. time has passed, a lot has changed, and yet she still expected tracey to be there. listen... if you're trying to locate me in 6 years.... i hope and pray you will not be able to find me in that cubicle.

i'm gonna ask marilyn how she responds to the knickers when she's mean. because it always leaves me speechless, and i want to respond in a kind way that makes her aware of her rudeness.

i'm excited because i'm going to paint my bedroom this weekend. it's gonna look awesome :D

i know a place where we can go.

compass

i like sarah. and the rest of the butler crew. i think i'm going to go there for dinner at least once a month, be a semi-regular.

tonight i gave tigerlily a bath while sarah read tara bedtime stories. she just lied there in the water as content as can be with her red cup and blue foam sun. adorable. i washed her hair and everything. very cute.

i'm getting so used to this heat that i actually felt a little chilly out on my balcony this morning. i got up on time which meant i had time to just sit and enjoy the morning. it was good.

i got a new phone at work yesterday. it's all black and fancy. it even has a display screen. i like that getting a new phone is a big deal in cubicle-land. 'like' as in 'find funny'.

carolyn read to us from a magazine tonight that the size of a woman's feet can change as an adult and as a result many women are wearing the wrong size shoe. with that i've declared myself a size 8, because 7's just don't fit me anymore. i was hesitant to change shoe sizes because i've been a size 7 since i was about 12 or 13, but hearing that just confirmed that my feet just ain't what they used to be.

you must have some kind of news you can send.

unease

on saturday i finished the birth house. one thing i noticed about this book, which was set during world war one, that men considered themselves 'men' if they had sex whenever they wanted – with no regard for women. and it really struck me, that at some point during the last century, when it comes to sex, men are considered 'men' if they're good in bed. it suddenly stopped being about themselves, and it became about their ability to perform. i find this fascinating, and quite honestly, i'm glad for this change. i wonder if it was a result of the sexual revolution, or mass media, or women being more vocal about their sexuality. i'm not sure. i bet shanno could give us more insight on this. it just really amazes me, and actually... there's probably parts of the world who still fall into the first category, which is sad. but i'm glad women are more taken into consideration in this part of the world.

it appears as though i've morphed into a commitment phobe. which is kind of comical, but true. after all these years of not seriously dating, combined with the years of over-dating, i find myself unable to commit to one person for fear that someone better might come along after i've picked someone. it's unnerving. being with the wrong person is SO MUCH worse than being alone. i hope i'll be able to overcome this latest neurosis, because it concerns me a little. i may end up to be my own biggest obstacle.

all the boys think she's a spy.

uh-oh

the heat this weekend has created a really laid-back environment. i had a really beautiful afternoon out on my balcony yesterday. i finished a book as the hours went by. it was lovely.

i joined the melles for dinner before heading out to see harry potter at the movie theatre by myself. i've never been to a "real" movie theatre by myself before – only the screening room. i didn't mind it at all, the only downside was when i got my leg caught in the seats in front of me. my leg was trapped and i had no one to help me. i started to panic, but tried to stay calm – i figured since i'd managed to get it in there, i should be able to get it out. i did, but not without damaging my ankle :S the movie was great, brendan was right, it is the best harry potter movie so far.

i feel a little funny these days. all my closest friends are away or otherwise occupied. this would usually trouble me, but i'm actual doing ok. lately i have a better sense of things being temporary, it's just a phase and i'll get a chance to reconnect with them soon enough. in the meantime, i'm not minding being alone.

in an unexpected turn of events i spent the afternoon with brendan. it was fun, after the next bbq we went to the women's art festival, then walked around downtown for a bit. i enjoyed his company, and it was probably really helpful, gave me a chance to socialize amongst this quiet week. it was fun.

i think i'll go lounge on my summer living room and listen to the sounds of summer while reading yet another good book :)

i wonder if this year is different or if i just have my eyes open more than in the past.

i'm suddenly not afraid. i'm curious, but not worried. if anything, i'm impatient, but not afraid anymore.

brendan and i were talking today about life stages. and i've been thinking lately, about how everyone could say "no one understands me, there's no one else in my exact situation". i had a friend who complained about that a lot. but everyone is unique, and that uniqueness has it's struggles and it's advantages. we're not alone in our differences, we're all in it together.

no matter what you do, someone always knew you would.

make

eye contact is an immensely powerful thing.

and yet, probably one of the most underrated forms of body language. i like it because it's secret. it usually occurs without anyone else noticing. in those moments much can be exposed, little can be hidden from the other person. that's why we always want people to look us in the eye when we're seeking the truth. messages are conveyed. i love that line in the bob dylan song that says "say hello with just a glance". ooh, i've done that, it's pretty magical.

when i was in grade 10, my friend mandy and i invented something we called "the eye-contact game". we both had crushes on boys that we lacked the confidence/ability/whatever to talk to. so we developed this game to force us to look them in the eyes when we passed them in the hall. at the end of the day whoever had the highest tally won. it was fun times. when i look back, i'm surprised (and yet not) by how much those brief moments of locked-eyes further infused me with fluttery feelings.

eye contact is something we grow accustomed to, something we kind of take for granted until it's denied us. when in a new place, surrounded by strangers very few people look us in the eye. it's a lonely feeling, isolating. sometimes all we need is a familiar face, eye contact is humanizing. admittedly, there are times when i'm so frustrated with my boss that i simply will not look her in the eye. i'm polite, i listen, i do as i'm told, but i don't look at her. i don't want her as part of my humanity - i'm passive aggressive that way. i like it when a friend gives an encouraging glace, it let's me know their listening and are interested in what i have to say.

i remember when i was about 13 discovering that i don't simply look at people's faces when i talk to/listen to them, i look in their eyes. and further to that, i look at their left eye. i'd been baby-sitting a little girl who had a mosquito bite on her eyelid which forced it shut. it was hard talking to her because i couldn't look in her eye, it required a conscious effort to look at her right eye.

the thing about eye contact, it can sometimes be misconstrued. sometimes eyes just meet in passing, other times there's intent behind it. have you ever willed someone to look at you? it doesn't usually work.

we lie awake and we dream of our escape.

huron

i'd never seen a man's nipples sweat before. but sure enough there were two perfectly round circles on his t-shirt from his sweaty nipples. it looked like he was lactating for pete's sake – "good sir... get yourself a nursing bra...."

sometimes i wish life was more literary like a choose-your-own-adventure. in a way it is, because we make choices every day that affect the course our lives. but sometimes i'm curious of what's on the other side of my choices. what if i'd done that instead of this, or hadn't walked home that way, or went to a certain dinner party, or shown up for something a day earlier. how would life unravel differently because of the small choices we make? it's pretty amazing to think about, but is also the sort of thing that shouldn't be dwelled on. it's pretty complex the way things come together all at once to form our state of being.

it's hot and i like it. this is my ideal summer weather.

you're where you should be all the time.

anonymous

the barbecue set itself on fire at our united way bbq today at lunch. it made for exciting times. we had to shut the door to the outside because if the smoke came inside it would've set off the fire alarm and we'd get a $1000 bill from the fire department for the false alarm.

i smiled, even though i tried not to. my face betrayed me. i fought my smirk, which only forced it out of my cheeks and eyes instead. funny how a secret can add a bounce to one's step or make the most mundane tasks enjoyable. it's silly and i know it, but i'm not one to deny myself simply pleasures.

i had a nap right after work. it was such a beautiful summer evening, with the sights and sounds of summer. so peaceful and restful i couldn't resist dozing off. when i finally rallied myself awake i sat reading out on my balcony with my two kitties in close proximity. it was lovely. i especially like it when friends pass by and we chat from balcony to car window. it makes me feel re-plugged.

i want to be the one to walk in the sun.

milky way

i watched. i gawked rather. i spied, it made me giggle and i blushed a little too. not bad for a view from my cube.

i wish i was more articulate. i think i accidentally offended him because i didn't have the ability to explain my perspective and he didn't have the ability to fill in the blanks. i feel badly. i wish i'd kept my big mouth shut. but what does it matter – to each their own. we're all different, there's no "best" way of doing it – living life. we all have to deal with what we are given, the circumstances we find ourselves in. no one can say it's better than the alternative, or that the alternative would be better. we just know what we know, we chew what we've bitten off, regardless of how big the bite is. i guess it's hard because i've only come to appreciate my state of being, to fully understand the value. it's probably immaturity that makes me spout off at the mouth. childish instincts make me ramble incoherently. i should remember that he was probably trying his best to justify his choices too, to tell himself he made the best possible decision. i should've just let him live in that, instead of point out the holes in his theory. in the end, i think we both lost. but on the other hand, i think we both win.

when i'm out walking
i strut my stuff
and i'm so strung out.

osap

jill is in town visiting the erbs, so i had her over for dinner. it was fun hanging out, although, i just realized that we hung out in the kitchen the entire time. i tend to do that when i have dinner guests, and forget that i have a fantastic living room just waiting to be sat in.

it was really nice to see her. i'd gotten so used to her company in peru that i almost feel more normal hanging out with her again. it was fun and we shared a bottle of wine that i'd been saving because i can't finish a whole bottle by myself (i'm a cheap drunk and wine makes me sleepy). it seems i have a problem with fruit flies, and we found two swimming around in the wine bottle after i opened it. i used a strainer to catch the flies when i poured our second glasses – i'm so classy.

i search myself; i want you to find me.

crooked

yesterday shannon, liz, and i went to the wolfe island music festival. it was BEAUTIFUL weather and we enjoyed the show a great deal. we particularly enjoyed winter gloves and busdriver. the sun was shining, the people watching was excellent, the music stellar. and shanno smoked her first cigar – i did not, i abstained from the smoking.

this year we decided to camp over night. it was our first time doing that, it was kind of complicated, but was a fun experience. we arrived early so we could set up the tent without missing out on the tunes. we borrowed todd & chelsea's tent, and it ended up being rather difficult to set up. there we were, three girls, in sundresses, attempting to pitch a tent. we eventually got it up, when a nearby onlooker checked in that we'd managed ok – i was a little annoyed that he only offered AFTER we were finished, i'm certain he timed it like that on purpose so he wouldn't have to actually do anything. there were another set of people nearby who i'm convinced were laughing at us – they were definitely laughing and were also looking. hmph. oh well, we conquered.

the campgrounds were in a baseball diamond and they turned on the field lights. it was so bright that it was like daytime, but everything beyond the field was pitchblack. it was bizarre. there were lots of people gathered at tents drinking and playing instruments. shan and i decided to hit the hay so we could get up to go to church the next morning :S it was really trippy. as we lied in our sleeping bags i said to shan "this feels like a bizarre dream. like, if i were to tell you 'shan, i had this crazy dream that we were sleeping in a baseball diamond in a bright sunny tent while we were surrounded by crowds of people playing bongos and guitars' it would seems like a totally nuts". bizarre situation. however, we slept well, except i'm pretty sure that some of the guys next to us would regularly shake our tent, i don't know why, but something was rustling our tent and it wasn't the wind.

our tent was weird, it looked inside out. but we DID set it up properly, it's just weird, like a skeleton.

alison lau was at church today. it was fantastic to see her, it's been several years! crazy how fast time passes. i miss her, but i'm excited for her that she got married and is doing cool things with her life. considering we didn't get to go out for a coffee or anything, we got caught up in the pews pretty easily :D

i had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee.

plastic/rapture

on the trek, there was a porter who brought along his guitar. upon nightfall (around 6 pm) until after we fell asleep he would play the same song over and over again without ceasing. when he woke up the next morning he'd be at it again. it made us all slightly mental. it was clear that he was trying to perfect that song for some reason, he probably would've played that song until his fingers bled. i suspect he's playing it right now. i understood where he was coming from. he spends all day walking the inca trail, carrying packs weighing 35 pounds on his back, all the while craving his guitar. at the end of his work day all he wants to do is play that guitar and squeeze as much playing time in before starting another day of walking. i am like him. i spend all day in my 8x8 blue cube, when i escape i want to cram as much living into my evening that it encroaches on my sleep. when in peru jill and i went to bed at reasonable times, sometimes even unreasonably early (probably because the sun sets so early there that it felt later). i slept well and woke at a decent hour. but since returning i've been sleep deprived, and wake-up tired & grumpy. i need to reform my sleeping habits.

while we're on the topic of things that porters brought along... i saw one guy with a toilet seat. it seemed funny at the time, but i realized later that it was because in peru most public washrooms (servicios higienicos – aka SS HH) don't have toliet seats. or toliet paper for that matter. in the pay baños (bathroom), patrons can't even flush their own toilets, instead the staff flush it for you. in some places they'll even turn on the tap at the sink for you. it was really trippy at first.

it feels funny being home. it's a bigger adjustment than i would've expected.

you're the sun who makes me shine.

gonzalez

every time i travel i discover myself a little more. it's as though all of me is there, deep inside, and when i travel, more of who i am is revealed.

while i was in peru i ate a guinea pig, i did a 4 day trek on foot, i went paragliding. things i'd never done before, things i'd never expected to do. but i did it, i succeed. i'm bolder than i thought, more fearless than i realized, more capable than i'd dreamt i was. am rather. it's a very empowering feeling.

i said to jill when we first arrived in cuzco how it's really neat that all one needs to do is decide to go to peru and then do it. it's as simple as that. i can do whatever i decide. the world is my oyster.

i feel invigorated. i don't know what's gonna happen next, i have dreams and hopes. there are some obstacles, but things will all pan out eventually.

oh how i love south america. oh shucks, i love every place i travel to. there's so many places to go! i'm majorly infatuated with travel. *sigh*

i think i've decided to become the thorn in my thorn's side.

all these places feel like home.

sopa

i have, as of yet, to tell you about lima. but an in depth entry about those 5 days will have to wait, because i have a different story to tell you.

lima doesn't have a metro system as most cities with 8 million+ residents do. to get around people either take mini buses or taxis. one in seven cars in lima are taxis. jill and i mostly took taxis, and got pretty good at it. we read in lonely planet the protocol... catching a taxi was quite easy, drivers were constantly slowing down and calling to us (bus drivers do this too, which is extra strange, one would think if someone was interested in the bus they'd be at a bus stop instead of walking down the sidewalk minding their own business. plus they usually don't require coaxing). basically, whenever we needed a taxi i'd just nod to one of the cabbies who were heckling us, he'd stop and we'd get in. lonely planet (or "the l.p." as we sometimes refer to it) told us to lock the doors upon getting in, and to ask the driver how much ("cuento questa?") because they don't use fare meters so it's important to ask in advance so they don't rip you off. we got very good at this, our only trouble is we're not well versed with spanish numbers, and sometimes had to converse among ourselves to figure out what they'd said.

anyways, on our last night we caught a cab to the airport. it was a pretty a-typical taxi ride. sweet 90s tunes playing on the radio, driver in his own private cage, car swearving in and out of traffic with no regard for lanes, no seatbelts in the backseat. as we approached the airport we stopped somewhat abruptly. we weren't sure what was happening, but noticed a policia man slowly approaching the car. they talked back and forth in spanish, and we figured out that he was pulled over for honking at a garbage truck. the cop made us follow behind him for a few blocks before he finally gave back the driver's id and we were on our way again. he was quite apologetic, but we found the whole situation quite amusing.

when we got into the cab, and we asked "cuento questa?" he told us 50 soles. that was a bit steep, considering we were expecting 30, MAYBE 40 soles, but whatever. i dug around in my wallet and i had 147 soles. i needed that hundred to pay the airport tax in order to leave the country, but i figured the airport tax would be about 90 soles, so i figured i could give him my 100 sole bill and get 50 in return then have enough. when i gave him the 100 he was searching around for change, this did not surprise us because it seemed every store/business in peru quite regularly didn't have change when we made purchases. but eventually he did find a 50, he gave it to me and left. as we walked towards the airport entrance i said to jill "it feels fake, it's so smooth..." we'd read earlier that fake bills are in broad circulation in peru and had learned a few tips to identify phonies. but it was dark, and we were focused on leaving so i just figured it was probably just a crisp new bill.

so we get in, get situated, check our bags, make our way to the airport tax area and get in line. when it's my turn i pass over my 96 soles and the guy starts to laugh, and talk in spanish. i say to him "what? what is it?" and he explains to me in english "it's a fake". then points to a portion of text on the back, printed as clear as day, that says "billete de la suerte alasitas" and tells me "it means 'lucky bill'" ah! i'd been scamed by the taxi driver! when i looked closer it was such an obvious fake that i could just kick myself, i knew it as soon as i felt it! argh!


so i brought it home. i'm going to frame it or laminate it or something. it will be my lucky bill. thankfully, i find it really funny. it's just 50 soles, which is worth less than 17 dollars, if it was 50 bux canadian i'd be pretty livid. this way i got a great story to tell and a few good laughs. so funny. as irony would have it, when we were at the luggage claim in toronto i found 7 soles in my pocket, which meant i COULD have given him just 50 soles instead of handing over my 100. jill made fun of me because i'm notorious for having money in oodles of different places at once. oh well.

oh man, i still have so much to say. i could just write and write and write. but i need to go to bed. i have work in the morning. work went surprisingly ok today. i'm determined to find a better way of dealing with this massive thorn in my side, it will not devour me.

i forget myself,
i want you to remind me.

boots

i'm home.

i have mixed feelings about this. i just love traveling so much that i hate that it's over. and it's kind of sad because i don't suspect that i'll ever get to go back to peru. that's a pure shame because the thought of that country makes my heart swell in my chest.

jill and i had quite an
adventure yesterday that i'm looking forward to telling you about, but i think i'll leave it til tomorrow. instead, i want to talk a little about my new bff (backpacking friend forever). jill is super, and i would travel with her again in a second. i felt we were very compatible travel companions, very much on the same wavelength and we had a lot of fun together. i actually already really miss her a lot, i'm so used to her almost constant presence that it's weird and a little sad to be alone again.

jill is so weird and great. she's fantastic at remembering lyrics and sings freely. one of my favourite memories of her is when we walked to the grocery store up the street from our hostel to get some chocolate. she played "i'm too sexy" on her ipod and made me listen to it with her as she danced and sang up the street. it was very fun.

we'd tag-teamed doing hard things – mostly asking questions in spanish, giving directions in spanish, etc. that's partly why i think we travel well together, that and neither of us are crazy drinkers or like to go out partying. although, we did go out one night for a pisco sour (the trademark drink of lima) and jill got a little extra tipsy, but that was fun so no worries :)

it quickly became apparent to me that jill is a person of influence in my life. one of people who can get me to do pretty much anything. she was always like "les... do (such and such) and i'll take a picture". she just about always succeeded – the only times i didn't comply was when it involved me lying in a puddle or climbing a tree when i was sore and tired.

i think there's something to be said about traveling with or living with people you don't know super well beforehand. it's really neat to get to know someone on the fly. and i liked that within the first week we were so comfortable with each other that we'd freely tell each other to shut-up. that being said, it was always in good fun, and we never had a tense moment of friction.

one funny mishap was when we were on the trek, karen asked us how we "met". her choice of words struck me odd, and i'm pretty sure that for a small period of time she mistook jill and i as a couple. it was quite funny, and i think we got that cleared up pretty fast.

jill's name seemed to trip up the spanish speakers. jair called her "lillian" a few times. i can understand why it would've been tricky for them, seeing as J's are usually pronounced as H's, and double L's make a Y sound. so really, for a spanish speaker her name would've been pronounced as hiyan :S

i'm very grateful for her easy-going nature. she was much faster than me on the trail, but she was very patient and didn't walk too far ahead of me. always watching out for me, and i really appreciate that a lot.

so, all this to say, that a huge reason why this peru trip was a success was because of the lovely jillian lauren.

thanks jill!! you're really sure awesome. and i think you deserve an award :D

my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes, they do
they do, they do, they do.

kabob

today, on our last day in lima, the sun came out. before coming to peru i checked the temperature, everyday it said "overcast and 18 degrees". i thought perhaps they neglected to update the weather, but it turns out it really is overcast every day. not in cuzco though, the sky was deep blue and cloudy there. regardless, we've had a great time in lima. the whole trip has been a fantastic success, and i'm so grateful and DON'T want to go back to work :S

ok, so more about the trek. i can't remember what i've said or not said. after my entry the other day i kept saying to jill "oh, i forgot to say this, or that", and now i can't remember...

as we walked the inca trail there were porters who would carry our supplies from camp to camp. these men were not only unbelievable in their speed (they'd leave camp after us, and arrive long before us), they also had to carry large packs on their backs - sometimes wearing a weightlifting belt, and other times the packs were just strapped onto them with fabric like a baby-sling. and to top it all off, the all mostly wore leather sandles!!!! they were unbelievable men. indigieous mostly, they all spoke spanish but they were obviously decendants of the inca and not the spanish. the peruvians of inca decent are all quite short, some of the women are seriously no larger than 4 foot tall. they also have darker skin than the spanish decendants. there is an obvious difference between the people who live in lima and the people who live in cuzco. the women in the highlands of cuzco mostly wore traditional garb, and had their hair tied back in long braids - like this. a lot of the porters were clothes only had of organic materials.

the view on the inca trail was unbelievable. the terrain changed as the days went by, from desert-like with cacti, then at the end of the trek we were in jungle surroundings with bamboo. it was very cool.

on our last day we arrived at machu picchu, coming in thru the sungate the inca city was deceivingly small. we were tired and dirty, and sadly lacked the energy to be as excited as meritted. walking for 4 days, up and down stairs had left us sore and exhausted. however, we enjoyed our tour of machu picchu. giant ear (jiar) guided us around explaining all the ruins, then we had an hour to waunder around on our own. the rest of our group bolted, and went with him to the closest town instead of revelling the beauty of the lost incan city. despite that, jill and i stuck around, we sat doing nothing for a long time, they walked around a little before catching the bus down the long winding road to join the rest of the group at the designated meeting spot. my only disappointment was that machu picchu was majorly packed with people (often has 1000 visitors a day, but we were there on a sunday which is the day that it's free for locals, so it was extra busy), and i forgot to do my sun-salutations as planned :S

we ate very well on the trek, and thankfully my bladder held-out and i didn't have to go as frequently as usual. we drank A LOT of tea, whatshisface the guide said that coca tea helps with the digestion.

anyways, i've tell you more in the coming days. we fly out tonight at midnight. we're gonna go hangout by the ocean again for a little while. and try to be inconspicuous - we don't like it when locals try to pressure us into taking surfing lessons.

ok, i'm off. see you all soon. i love peru, and i love being away from home and work, but it will be nice to see you all. much love.

i'm a model if you know what i mean.