foot/mouth

so... i feel a little bit dumb, but éamon cut a molar without me even realizing it. i'm not sure if that means i'm a tuned-out mother or that he's an easy teether. perhaps a little of both. he's cut teeth several times without me noticing. everything i've read and heard says that cutting molars is the worst. he has been more cranky in the last month, but i honestly just thought it was just him being a growing baby who will go through different stages of neediness. i thought we were on a break between teeth. *shrug* i guess i should be glad that the first molar is behind us. but it's a little bit hard because he's that much more a toddler and i really enjoyed my little baby.

lately i've been "borrowing" worry and stress unnecessarily. unlike my sister who feels a great responsibility to rescue people and fix their problems, i don't typically feel a sense of responsibility for others. and yet, lately i've been feeling like it's selfish of me to only be concerned with my own future. i think that's the hard part about living in community, even if the community circle is broad and lives aren't that closely connected, i have a hard time knowing where the healthy line is between doing for others and empowering others to do for themselves. it's tricky because i know from my own life experience how much i've valued (after the fact) making my own path and not having solutions offered to me on a silver platter. that said, there are times when i would've welcomed generous gifts to give me a leg up financially. probably the only time i experienced that was when my grandma died and she left me enough in her will to pay off one of three student loans, and i'm still super grateful for that. I suppose though, it might have been a different experience had I not been chipping away at that loan for several years before I received that inheritance. I'm sure I would've been grateful to receive that gift before i started paying it back, but being relieved of a burden you've been carrying for a while is more appreciated than never having to carry the burden at all. all this said... i don't really know how to support the right amount.

sausagers

last night we had our first paid babysitter. we've made an arrangement with astrid to babysit for 2 hours on thursdays so we can go to our small group. it was surprising because brendan was much more nervous about it than i was. he thinks his reluctant feelings are more normal, but i'm not convinced of that. as far as i was concerned there was no reason to be nervous, but ended up concluding my confidence was based on my experience as a 13 year old babysitter. she's a smart girl, very competent and logical. plus, she's taken the babysitters course, so i was confident that she'd do just fine, and it seems as though she did. i feel excited about this step/milestone.

i like that i know my friends' kids. i don't mean that i'm acquainted with them, but i need that i know them as people - what they're like, their personalities, interests, quirks. i feel well acquainted with bren's kids.

it looks as though this week is the start of a new routine - small group on thursdays, and swimming on tuesdays. we've started swimming lessons at artillery park. we started infant swimming lessons when éamon was 3 months old, but those were just drop-in classes at the Y. these lessons at artillery park are sign-up classes that i paid for in advance. i'm very pleased that they're evening classes, and it worked out nicely because it's on the evening that brendan works in napanee, and i've been finding those evenings more challenging at éamon's current stage. i was a bit reluctant to sign up though, because it's more expensive than the Y. but i weighed the options (time of day, location, etc) and decided to proceed, and i'm glad i decided to do that because it was immediately evident that the quality of class was much better at artillery park. as we waited for the class to start, éamon was scooting around on the pool side, and several times attempted to make a break for it down the pool ramp into the water. it was both naughty and hilarious. he really loves water.

check

it's surprising how much music impacts my impulse to write. a good song gives me that urge. right now i'm really into 'wake owl'.

recently i've only been reading books i find fun and amusing. easy reads that i look forward to reading. sadly it seems there aren't a lot of fun reads that i haven't already read. i checked a list of fun reads on 'good reads' and i'd read 20 of the top 25 books. i just finished the princess bride and found that i really did live up to the "it's better than the movie" saying, which is impressive since it's a great movie. i think it helps that the screenplay was written by the same person who wrote the book.

since i couldn't find another funny book, i've started reading the very unfunny 'sweetness in the belly'. i think i've heard good things about it, and i picked it up at the next garage sale recently. if i recall correctly, it was a big book club favourite a few years ago. it's heavier, but not too heavy.

tomorrow marks one month of brendan being without work. in that time he's applied for several jobs and had one interview. i've heard before that it roughly takes 3 months to find a new job, so i'm hoping that happens. although, we're doing ok and brendan's keeping busy. it's funny to me that shortly after i finished being at home, he's back to being at home. it's like we're taking turns. on the upside, it's convenient to have someone at home to do at-home things.

through rachel i discovered this computer app called 'f.lux' – it changes the colour of your screen after sunset so it becomes warmer in hue. it helps the transition from screen to bedtime. it seems to be doing the trick for me. i've been getting sleepy and heading to bed between 9:30 and 10:15. even though i'm going to bed early, i've been finding my 5:30 wake-ups quite difficult since sunrise is later these days. i can't remember how early the sunsets in november through to january. i'm hoping it's after 4, or i'm not going to see the sun at all.

what will become of the truth when we keep it in.

Fwd:

oh cat power, sometimes you are exactly what i need to listen to.

blade

i'm beginning to notice that lately, i deal with difficult things by just not thinking about it. at my current stage in life, i feel like it doesn't change anything if i allow the full weight of a situation hit me, so instead i just don't allow myself to spend time focusing on sorrow. at least that way, i can still function without feeling heavy-hearted.

a colleague of mine died in august. he was a really wonderful man, so lovely and kind and genuine. when news of his death was announced, no details regarding the cause of his death were shared. i've come to observe in recent years, that if those details are not disclosed openly, that there's probably a reason and the family is choosing to be quiet about it. and i respect that. in the weeks following his death, my boss told me in confidence that he'd taken his own life while on assignment in asia (this is now public knowledge). i was shocked by this news, because he was really the nicest, smiley-est person i know; and yet that explained the mystery around his death. emma was privy to quite graphic details (a news story had been published about it online), and she told me "don't google it - you don't want to know". i took her word for it and told her "i won't. that's the sort of thing i can't un-know, but would wish i could".

i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).

anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.

i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.

Fwd: lalalalalalala

i knew that getting up at 5:30 am would mean that eventually i would be getting up before the sun. but i thought that wouldn't be until winter. today was rough getting up, and i felt like a zombie well into the day. it was one of those days that i wished that my alarm clock had gone off at the wrong time and i could get back into bed. it was so dark, and my body felt hungover from sleep, that i really would've have been surprised if it wasn't morning (or at least my morning. i realize that when i was maternity leave i still very much considered 5:30 as the middle of the night).

i think it'll be an early night for me.

well... it's been a while since i've written. éamon's getting big and is almost walking. he's keeping me busy and for the first time since he was born, i'm starting to feel like my life is changing. when he first arrived, nothing really changed. he just fit into our lives so perfectly that we didn't feel like having a baby was interrupting life as we know it. but that change is starting to happen now, which is ok, but also difficult. sometimes when i get home from work, i just want to sit an read, but i've got this junior toddler who is always getting into things, or wants to be held, or doesn't want to be held but will just sit there whining. it's comical really. clearly he's frustrated because he can't communicate his wants. the only word he says is dada and he uses that for everything. and he doesn't seem to get sign language, but instead thinks i'm being silly and laughs or claps when i try using signs. no doubt when he does start talking the floodgates will open, so i'll just try to be patient with his whining :S

b's been doing super well, keeping busy and enjoying his time off. it's giving him the chance to decompress from the toxic work environment at his old job. he actually has a job interview tomorrow for a coordinator position for a not-for-profit in town. we're kind of in the position that if he gets it, then great! and if not, that's fine too. i'm a little bit worried that being offered a part-time job (22 hours/week) will mean that he misses out on full-time job opportunities that might open up in the coming weeks. that said, i am very pleased at his response rate - 2:1 for resumes and interviews.

ugh, i'm still feeling yucky. it's got to be an early night tonight!