i'm beginning to notice that lately, i deal with difficult things by just not thinking about it. at my current stage in life, i feel like it doesn't change anything if i allow the full weight of a situation hit me, so instead i just don't allow myself to spend time focusing on sorrow. at least that way, i can still function without feeling heavy-hearted.
a colleague of mine died in august. he was a really wonderful man, so lovely and kind and genuine. when news of his death was announced, no details regarding the cause of his death were shared. i've come to observe in recent years, that if those details are not disclosed openly, that there's probably a reason and the family is choosing to be quiet about it. and i respect that. in the weeks following his death, my boss told me in confidence that he'd taken his own life while on assignment in asia (this is now public knowledge). i was shocked by this news, because he was really the nicest, smiley-est person i know; and yet that explained the mystery around his death. emma was privy to quite graphic details (a news story had been published about it online), and she told me "don't google it - you don't want to know". i took her word for it and told her "i won't. that's the sort of thing i can't un-know, but would wish i could".
i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).
anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.
i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.
i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).
anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.
i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.
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