the worst!

i'm still coming down from an upsetting incident this afternoon. so i thought i'd tell you about it so that i might feel a little better. to begin with, i'll just say that i got scammed.

this afternoon, while i was in the middle of making myself a salad, the phone rang. i was only really half listening when a man with a thick accent told me that he was calling from visa and that i'd been selected for a lower interest rate because of my credit history. i've always made a point of paying my credit card off each month so that i never have to pay interest, but whenever visa offers me perks because of my credit history i always accepted. so i was like, "ok", which then began a long back and forth of me confirming my identity with security questions, etc. it didn't take long for me to become frustrated because i was just about to eat and this guy was making me read the visa phone number off the back of my card (which i thought was weird, but now realize that was the first clue). while i was trying to get my credit card out of my wallet, i accidentally hit end, and he called back right away and defensively saying "why did you hang up on me?". in hindsight, his persistence and, at times, rude behaviour shouldn't been an indication that something wasn't right. actually, his poor grasp of the english language should've also been a tip off for me, because visa's operators are always clear and well spoken. 

he was soon badgering me for my credit card number so he could look up my account. i kept protesting, and even started to ask for his supervisor. but when he was able to tell me what my last payment was and for how much, as well as other information like my current credit limit, i became more trusting and did regrettably tell him my credit card number. but thankfully, i each time he repeated it back to me, it was always a few digits off, so i'm not sure if he really had it in the end. i really put up a fight all the way through our phone call, and kept saying i didn't want to give him the information he was asking for, but he kept displaying my hesitation and made me seem unreasonable. i suppose one of the main tricks of a shyster is to make you doubt yourself.

when he told me that they were going to charge me a one-time fee of $400 to lower my interest rate to 6%, i told him 'no way'. i demanded that he not proceed and that i didn't want, nor need a lower interest rate. then he started saying i needed to give him my email and facebook information so he could remove the charges, which i knew was B.S. so i hung up and called the customer service line. i was calling to complain (i had my suspicions that something wasn't right, but he'd provided some tangible reasons to believe him. i was very confused by the whole interaction). as soon as i told a portion of the story to the visa customer care rep, she told me that it was a scam and they were going to cancel my card right away. she also told me to cancel my email account too, which i didn't know how to do that, and i have lots of important (to me) emails. but when i spoke to someone in their security department she said that simply changing my password should be enough.

i called brendan as soon as i got off the phone with visa and immediately started crying. it's interesting that i was able to keep it together until i talked to him. before that my emotions came out in different ways, like aggression or talking fast. b could hardly understand what i was saying because of my blubbering, but he managed to calm me down. i'm hoping this is all behind me and that we (visa and i) caught it before my identity was stolen. i suppose it could've been worse, i didn't give out my SIN or my banking information. but i still felt so stupid. i'm not an overly trusting person, but he provided enough information to seem legit and he confused me enough through our back and forth dialogue. this whole thing really ruined my day.

the dark is light enough to see the ignorance of greed.

splash

when joy and tim bought a chest freezer, they said it made them feel like they were officially grown-ups. every so often they tease me and say i'm not a grown-up because i don't have a deep freeze, and i never argue with them about it, because i don't feel like a grown-up. or at least i didn't, now i do.

today i cried.
i cried when i realized i was a grown-up, and from here on in, things would be different.

i cried because it came out of no where, for the most unexpected reason.

i didn't feel like a grown-up when i got my first car, or when i got my job, or when i got my very own apartment, or when i traveled alone for the first time, or when we got married, or when we bought a house, or when we had a baby. i still felt like myself. like my life was my own, and i was happy with each new step.

but today, i knew i'd reached adulthood, when i realized that having this second car meant we couldn't take a trip to the caribbean. i knew i was a grown-up when i recognized that i couldn't do the fun thing, but had to do the responsible thing. it's not even that we can't go south, but it's that we shouldn't because we have other, more important things we need to spend that money on.

we got our new-to-us car on monday, and twice this week it wouldn't start in the morning. plus, we had to pay for the safety today, and the total came $666 – which i'm hoping is not a bad omen. i guess it helps that i know we need this car (i have no doubt about that), but that also kind of makes it harder. i'm used to being able to find away to do both, but i can't this time. and so i cried. i cried as a way of letting go. i cried as a way to mourn my old way of life (maybe even my carefree youth). i cried as i recognized the loss of part of my identity. i cried because deep down i thought i'd be able to avoid "settling down". i cried because it caught me off guard.

now, with that behind me, i can adjust my expectations and find a way to be the adult version of lesley. instead of going to the caribbean, we're taking a roadtrip to philadelphia for 5 days. and i'm happy to say, i'm really excited about it. we'll be able to keep it simple, but also get to see and do some cool things. i have said in the past that we'll do more north america travel once we have kids. i guess i thought that wouldn't be until they were a little older. i really wanted to take a trip to the caribbean to prove to myself that i'm the same as i used to be, and that my baby hasn't turned me into a fuddy-duddy. which is dumb, AND a terrible reason for doing something. as brendan pointed out, trying to maintain my 'freedom' would just make me super irresponsible, and it wouldn't be good.

i guess circumstances catch up to you at some point. i just don't know how to identify with this new phase in my life. i guess i'll figure it out as i go, just like everyone else.

think of all the roads,
think of all their crossings.

chap

last night i went to bed feeling pretty discouraged about my physical self. dissatisfied with lots of different things – i need a haircut; my baby tooth is super close to falling out, but we don't have the funds to do anything about the toothless gap; after losing 7 pounds, i seem to be stuck at a plateau; yada yada yada. as i lied in bed, curled up to get warm, i thought about how girls in their teens and 20s, complain about their bodies, but are most likely in great shape – better shape than they'll be when they're older. i dunno, maybe that's not the case with everyone, but it was the case with me. it's silly that we always find flaws to fixate on. i was still feeling discouraged this morning when i got up. so i chose to make small gestures that would make me feel nice, as well as comfortable (comfort helps minimize feelings of awkward bulkiness). i felt a little better today. it's easy to get discouraged.

this afternoon we went for a tour of the daycare we'd like éamon to go to. it's just at the end of our street, and our niece goes there. it's interesting because i used to work at a daycare in highschool (as an after-school job). i usually take that experience for granted and forget that it's not assumed that i'm familiar with that environment. so it was interesting to have that comparison when touring the facility. we liked it. it's like a large house, which is cool. and we saw audrey, as well as noah and cambria, so that was fun. when the tour was finished the lady told me to call back in a month to find out if they have an available place for him. but then she called me a couple hours later to let me know that they did have room if we wanted it. so that's great! every so often, i get upset when i think about only getting to spend 4 hours a day with him. it's best not to think of it that way, because it seems bleak. now that we've seen the centre, i feel more comfortable about it. i think it'll be a good place for him, and us too.

i think i bought the moon.

turn

i think there's a bit of a social epidemic going around. i don't know if it's just my social circle, but it seems that every conversation i have, involves someone being worried about what other people would think of their personal life decisions – where they shop, how they parent, how green they are, what form of birth control they use, what church they go to. truth be told (and i mean this most sincerely), i'm sick of it! it's so unfair that women are feeling this way.

besides the fact that it's sad that people are feeling guilty because of imagined judgement (i say imagined because in most of these cases, no one has actually confronted them about their decisions). people shouldn't feel that they need to hide their choices from their friends – friends should be supportive! and they really shouldn't feel a need to hide their choices from strangers – who cares what strangers think!

i'm quite convinced that when a person is self-conscious of their decisions, it's because they still have some doubts in their mind. but for whatever reason (circumstances or limitations – whether financial, physical, time, energy, etc) this is the best solution they've come up with. i feel like sometimes we just have to trust each others judgement, instead of presuming we know better. it's so much easier being different when we're confident in our choices.

i also think it's way easier facing perceived judgment if we're transparent. often times, if i'm confused by another person's choices, their explanation can really shed light on the situation and i end up supportive of their decision. so let's be frank and forthright, instead of letting people speculate and jump to conclusions.

i don't know about you, but i'm going to take a bow, and not play that game anymore :)

so for the record...

• my kid has a soother. he doesn't use it a lot, mostly when we're out or when he's sleeping. i'm 100% ok with this.

• we're getting a second car. it's a gift from my father-in-law, brendan needs it for his job. you're welcome to borrow it outside of work hours.

• éamon sleeps in a crib. i'm glad. it means at the end of the day, we get to just be brendan+lesley. PLUS, i often wake up in the night, freaked out that our baby has gotten tangled in the sheets, but he's always fast asleep in his own bed.

• i usually flush the toilet, even when it's yellow. pee is stinky.

• i don't exclusively buy ethical meat. it's my ideal, but not always my reality. when i'm heading home, with my 19lb baby strapped to my chest, and i'm already at metro, it just doesn't make sense to walk 5 blocks out of my way, when i'm tired and just need to get home.

so that's that :) no one's perfect, and i don't expect it from anyone else.

the sun is out, the day is new.

vin

on the bus today, i sat in special seating area reserved for people with wheelchairs, strollers, walkers, etc. at first i started sitting there because i thought that people with special needs (including people with babies) were the folks those seats were intended for. but the sign actually says "reserved for people with mobility aid devices". i consider my baby carrier a mobility aid. anyways, so i was sitting there and this lady got on the bus. after she sat down i noticed that she was glaring at me. it was really awkward, but i told myself that maybe she didn't notice my baby (i'm wearing him in a hiking carrier these days because he's getting heavy). she kept staring at me, but i told myself not to be scared or worried. so i decided not to avoid her gaze, but to look back at her. so i did, but she neither broke her look away, nor did she speak. i started with a smile – nothing, so i tried saying 'hi'. then she started talking to me and was friendly and asked me all sorts of questions. in the end, it wasn't that she was angry that i was sitting in the reserved seating area, but that she was a troubled person and she was just staring.

on occasion i think that becoming a mom has matured me, or i've learned this or that. but then, i slip back into old habits of laziness and poor time management or negative self talk and being too hard on myself. and i realize i still have a long way to go.

taking steps is easy
standing still is hard.