splash

when joy and tim bought a chest freezer, they said it made them feel like they were officially grown-ups. every so often they tease me and say i'm not a grown-up because i don't have a deep freeze, and i never argue with them about it, because i don't feel like a grown-up. or at least i didn't, now i do.

today i cried.
i cried when i realized i was a grown-up, and from here on in, things would be different.

i cried because it came out of no where, for the most unexpected reason.

i didn't feel like a grown-up when i got my first car, or when i got my job, or when i got my very own apartment, or when i traveled alone for the first time, or when we got married, or when we bought a house, or when we had a baby. i still felt like myself. like my life was my own, and i was happy with each new step.

but today, i knew i'd reached adulthood, when i realized that having this second car meant we couldn't take a trip to the caribbean. i knew i was a grown-up when i recognized that i couldn't do the fun thing, but had to do the responsible thing. it's not even that we can't go south, but it's that we shouldn't because we have other, more important things we need to spend that money on.

we got our new-to-us car on monday, and twice this week it wouldn't start in the morning. plus, we had to pay for the safety today, and the total came $666 – which i'm hoping is not a bad omen. i guess it helps that i know we need this car (i have no doubt about that), but that also kind of makes it harder. i'm used to being able to find away to do both, but i can't this time. and so i cried. i cried as a way of letting go. i cried as a way to mourn my old way of life (maybe even my carefree youth). i cried as i recognized the loss of part of my identity. i cried because deep down i thought i'd be able to avoid "settling down". i cried because it caught me off guard.

now, with that behind me, i can adjust my expectations and find a way to be the adult version of lesley. instead of going to the caribbean, we're taking a roadtrip to philadelphia for 5 days. and i'm happy to say, i'm really excited about it. we'll be able to keep it simple, but also get to see and do some cool things. i have said in the past that we'll do more north america travel once we have kids. i guess i thought that wouldn't be until they were a little older. i really wanted to take a trip to the caribbean to prove to myself that i'm the same as i used to be, and that my baby hasn't turned me into a fuddy-duddy. which is dumb, AND a terrible reason for doing something. as brendan pointed out, trying to maintain my 'freedom' would just make me super irresponsible, and it wouldn't be good.

i guess circumstances catch up to you at some point. i just don't know how to identify with this new phase in my life. i guess i'll figure it out as i go, just like everyone else.

think of all the roads,
think of all their crossings.