Kidd 10

well, the doctor called us on Tuesday morning with the results of eamon's blood work and wanted us to come back in. long story short... he had two X-rays and a cat scan, then he was admitted to KGH for treatment for a neck infection.

it was pretty stressful at times, but he's doing well and seeming more like himself. he still does have full movement in his neck, but the fever seems to be subsided.

anyway, it's been an interesting experience. sometimes I'm surprised to be someone's mama and responsible for their well being. Otis has been a total doll and mostly just slept the whole time. at one point they were both passed out on the bed at the COPC, it was very. sweet.

we're expecting to be discharged tomorrow, but not 100% sure yet.

Sent from my iPod

heart on the line

i remember when i was pregnant with eamon, telling my sister that i felt anxious, and just wanted him to be born(having heard of many people who lost their baby in the final days and weeks of their pregnancy). she said something about how worrying doesn't end when they're born. i've found that she's right. except, i think i've felt "once we get past this stage, i won't worry as much". but i've realized it never stops. especially reflecting on the loss of brook this past week. i know i'm going to spend my whole life worrying about my sons and their dad to one extent or another.

part of what it means to be a mom is to worry about your kid's safety and wellness. part of what it means to love is to be invested in someone, and to want them safe and sound. i didn't experience that when i was single.

since thursday, eamon has been sick. we thought at first that he had a stomach bug. then we thought it went away, only for him to have a few persistent symptoms, then for it to get worse and worse again. we spent a few hours this morning in the urgent care centre at hotel dieu, then the entire afternoon at the children's outpatient centre. i felt embarrassed to be going in twice in one day, and felt a need to explain my concern. i've cried several times since this illness started for fear that something might happen to him. i realize the reality of loss is very fresh, and its putting me on edge, but the doctor told me that i did the right thing bringing him in this afternoon. he was showing signs of meningitis, but they seem to have ruled that out now. they did bloodwork and gave him an x-ray. thankfully brendan was with me, because i wouldn't have been able to manage everything with otis with me too. it was a very hands-on job to get eamon to cooperate. they've told us a few things to watch out for, and said it could take up to 7 days for this infection to clear up, but he should be ok. i feel more at ease now. his constant fever, etc are less scary now that we know what we're dealing with and what to expect.

i think it will take some time for me to adjust and accept the level of risk that comes with deep love.

full moon

these days life feels like a see-saw that oscillates between noise and silence. there are loud moments of chaos and quiet moments of peace. i'm glad for the quiet moments. they make the loud moments more manageable.

i'm quite sensitive to being over-stimulated by noise or touch, especially when those things are combined. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed because otis is crying and won't latch because he's too upset, i find it overwhelming to be touched. this is a challenge because eamon sometimes is trying to cuddle or climb onto my lap and it all becomes too much in that moment. it's hard because i don't want to send him away or not let him touch me, but for the sake of my sanity i need him to stop. i try to explain it to him though. i know that he might not understand right now, but i'm hoping that he might remember later and understand then.

when i was a kid, we had a miniature schnauzer named elsa (it's funny that elsa has become such a popular name, since my parents chose it because it was the most 'old lady' sounding name they could come up with). elsa was not well trained, and like many small dogs, would bark A LOT – especially when people were walking down the sidewalk. when i was about 6 or 7, we had to give her to my aunt and uncle (who didn't have kids, but did have another dog named pepper who was elsa's brother from the same litter). anyway, the only reason we were given was that my mom thought elsa barked too much. when i was talking to my mom the other day about feeling overwhelmed by the increased volume of my home, she said "that's how i felt when we had elsa". so while it was true that she felt elsa barked too much, there was more to it than that. now that i have the whole story, i can completely understand and appreciate that.

i like having ah-ha moments about my parents. it usually results in more empathy from me, and sometimes forgiveness.

while some folks have told me that there is no healthy way to teach kids not to be loud and noisy, i'm not convinced that's true. i think kids reflect their environment. we'll see...

red

it's funny how a holiday weekend can help one ruin their streak of good eating habits. well... i shouldn't blame the holiday exactly, it's more the birthday cake and squares that i made (and not can't stop trying to "eat it", like they're going to go bad). otis is one month old, and i've lost over 20 lbs, but if i keep this up, i'll gain quite a bit back. that said, i did go for a longish walk today. i need to try and walk every day.

to my delight, i found out that my neighbourhood library isn't supposed to close for another year. that's a relief, because i thought it was closing in a few months.

nancy gave us brendan's baby book the other day. she did a great job filling it in, that it's really motivated me to finish eamon's book (and get started on otis). i'm kind of glad that i'm wrapping it up when he's three, because things change a lot over time, and a lot of his habits, interests, etc, changed since he was a little baby. i'm excited to see otis grow and change too :) he's a cuddly baby, and really likes to be held most of the time.

mending heart, soul and body

i saw my midwife on tuesday. the one who was at my birth. she said she'd been worried about me since she hadn't seen me since otis was born. she was worried that i had regrets, and had wished i'd just had another c-section because of my 3rd degree tear. but that had never crossed my mind. otis's birth was so wonderful and meaningful to me, i would never trade it. AND the tear has healed really well and not caused me any trouble. i'm very grateful for that.

adjusting

i've heard it said that women cut their hair after having a baby because their hair is something they can control. for me, it's tidying my house.

today was pretty much my first full day on my own with my two kids. and after being on my own (with different degrees of support) all week, i reached my breaking point around lunch time today and had a bit of a melt down. yesterday, when nancy was over, i got a lot of tidying and cleaning done, but by bedtime the house was messy and chaotic again. so after not being able to find my bus pass, and being unable to make it to the hospital to visit my dad (who is recovering from surgery), and having a crying baby who doesn't like to be set down while i wanted to make some lunch, i knew something had to give.

keeping the house tidy helps a lot. even all the little things that i don't normally notice, have been bothering me in my current stage – things like dust on the toaster. i suppose it's not a bad thing, wanting to keep the house tidy. i know that things are going to balance out, and if a clean house helps keep me sane, that's a good approach.

two boys and a lady

brendan is out of town for a work conference, and i'm alone with my two sons. the timing isn't great, since we're still getting to know otis and eamon is still getting used to having him in the mix. bedtime was bad. otis was screaming because he needed to be nursed and eamon was having a melt down because he didn't want to go to bed (plus, brendan wasn't here to do their regular routine). it was rough, but it can only get easier, right?

i'm going to go to bed now. the "sleep when the baby sleeps" concept works best for me in the evening. sure, i go to sleep early these days, but it's the best way to do myself a favour. i would've gone to bed at 7:30 if otis was already sleeping.

porcelain

after months of our toilet flushing increasingly worse, the flusher finally broke, and we had to buy a new one. the new flusher works so well that i actually look forward to using it.

being able to flush the toilet with ease is one of my most favourite parts of the day.