poppycock

you know what bugs me about myself? that i'm not very spontaneous. well... i shouldn't speak of myself in absolutes because i'm both everything and nothing. i'm spontaneous with the right people, or even the wrong people if it's the right time. the way i see it, there's a time to be a planner and a time to be spontaneous. but what really throws a kink in my life is when my plans get foiled against my will. when i throw out my own plans in favour of fun spontaneity that's a-ok. i don't know how to get around that. i suppose it's all a matter of circumstances, and the circumstances around me at that particular moment were not creating a comfortable setting for me to be flexible. instead it was constricting me, restricting me.

sometimes it seems we're wired as humans to be restless. it's our inability to live in complacency that drives us on to new things.

i don't know a lot of things. but they're not for me to understand or even grasp. but that doesn't change my state of unawareness. it rubs me the wrong way and makes me want to run harder, push farther. except nothing is gained. so i sit and wait for the sunrise.

sometimes i wonder how it would feel.

reach out and touch faith.

exacerbate

i'm just a regular person. and yet i resemble a character in a book or a fictional saga of some sort. i'm really not sure why, i see myself as just a normal girl. to me, it's the rest of the world that's abnormal.

i'm certain that i've mentioned before that i don't handle uncertainty very well. as it turns out, neither does my sister. i've concluded that it's because we're children of divorce. and a divorce that ended 14 years of separation. we spend a decade and a half in limbo. as much as i feel that that's legitimate, and understandable, i also realize that uncertainty is a fact of life, so i had better figure out how to deal. i'm doing ok with that. it's about breathing deeply, it's about taking small steps and finding that the ground beneath me is not as unstable as it seems just because i can't see more than a few feet ahead of me. uncertainty is ultimately a question of trust. and i do.

i'm the full scale version of myself. i'm 100%. no bigger, no smaller. irina told me last week or the week before that i have really dainty fingers. i know most women's hands are larger than mine, but i just figured that i was 100% and they were 125 or 150. maybe i'm actually just 75% to everyone else. i don't consider myself a small person, but i'm not big either. i'm pretty proportionate i guess. i think i'm content with that.

i look the other way as they are kissing their hellos,
i'm pretending not to see them, instead i pour the milk.

piano

some hoodlums stole the metal poles out of my green party sign and left the plastic sign on my lawn. i found discovered this on my way to church this morning. clearly it hadn't just blown over because the poles were no where to be found. now that i think of it, i heard some people out front last night while i was in bed, some girl giggling and other muffled voices. i'm really unimpressed. i feel politically victimized :( mean jerks.

this afternoon i was driving home from my mom's place and passed a large tv with remote sitting on the roadside. i kept driving another 30 seconds or so when the thought dawned on me that we could use a tv at next. so i turned around and went back for it. it was pretty big, but i managed to get it in the mojomobile and then managed to carry it into next and up the stairs. although, my finger did get pinned between the tv and a stair when i was trying to put it down and it crushed my wooden ring – breaking it into 4 pieces. it has a really nice clear picture, and it's significantly bigger than the old decrypted one. unfortunately, the dvd ended up skipping a lot, so i'm still working out the kinks, but feel like we're making progress. hopefully we'll be glitch-free next week.

the tv got me thinking about our active role in solutions (i realize this might seem like a stretch, but i like how simple it is). there was a need: we needed a new tv. we could've belly-ached over it, we could've complained, or done some fundraising. we could've simply prayed that a new tv would come our way. when the tv was there for the taking i drove right past it, and i could've kept going. but instead i recognized the opportunity and took it. too often i expect things to just happen – if it's right everything will fall into place. i wonder how many opportunities have passed me by because i was expected a large neon sign declaring "LESLEY... TAKE THIS FREE TV".

hebrews 11 got me thinking today. i wonder what would be said about me. "by faith, lesley...." i'm going to make it my mission to figure that out. it might require treading more intentionally.

i was really sad when my mom told me paul newman died yesterday. he's my favourite – total dream-boat. especially when his hair was going salt & pepper. and the fact that he was married to the same woman for like 60 years just ups his ante.

i feel like i bear the distinct odor of super spicy salsa right now.
i'm outta here.
peace.

making tea in your underwear.

self-destructing dvd

on the way home from work yesterday i showed paul the hole in my shoe. it's in the heel of my left birkenstock, even though the right shoe is fine. our conversation went like this....
paul said "you need to buy new shoes"
i said "but i don't want to, i'm saving for my leave of absence"
paul said "just go to payless"
i said "but i want birkenstocks. do you think i could patch it up?"
paul said "no"
i said "but i was thinking i could just use some duct tape..."
paul said "it won't work. just buy new shoes"
i said "but i don't want to. i want to try taping it up"
paul said "i don't know why you even bother asking me, when you're going to do what you want anyways"
i said "because i want someone to tell me it's a good idea"
paul said "it's not a good idea. just buy new shoes...."

the life you lead
leads you to distraction.

sand-wedge

for those of you who are interested in the company i work for, check this out...



yes, i know those guys who are being interview. yes, i've ridden on that train. yes, i've stood in those maintenance bays. pretty cool huh? well... in a dorky train kind of way :p

commando

one thing i forgot to tell you yesterday is how much i liked teeing off at the red markers instead of the blue. the red is for women but they're usually way farther ahead. it was great, it felt like i was cheating but i wasn't!!

today i was given a cheese board at work for doing the artwork for our booth and customer dinner at a conference in the states. it has the bbd logo on it. i'm pretty excited because last year they gave me a wine set, so they go nicely together. every time i think of that cheese board i crave cheese. so on the way home paul and i stopped at loblaws so i could by some brie. soooo good.

loblaws is a totally weird word. lob....laws. law-blahs. WEIRD.

sometimes i wonder why in life you have to give up something to gain something else. i guess it's the whole "you have to let go in order to grab on" idea. i'm fighting for even-steven, but in my heart i know it's never quite that easy.

pray that what you lack does not distract.

cowboy

this afternoon i got a break from cubicle fever and got to do something new. for the very first time, i participated in a golf tournament at work! it was really fun. we did a whole 18-holes. it was very tiring, i think we played for 6 hours. i got very hungry three-quarters of the way thru. thankfully they provided us with a big bbq at the end, that was great. it was fun because i got paired with frank, ferrence and carpooler paul. they'd all played before, but i was a complete novice – other than my trips to the driving range i'd never played golf. i really like to wack the ball with all my might, but that doesn't usually bode well. i realize this, i know it's not about how hard you hit the ball, it's about form and yada yada yada. i had a big handicap because i kept wanting to hit the ball similarly to how one hits a baseball. i can see how golf is a game that takes a lot of practise. the course was really zig-zaggy, frank said other courses are set up differently and you can't see the other ranges. but at least they had it arranged so that where we were teeing off we could only see the flag we were aiming at. the course was pretty beautiful, and i imagine it's amazing at the height of autumn. i'm not a great golfer, i'm borderline bad, but it was my first time, and i think having fun is the most important part. the guys were good to play with because they're not competitive and they were really patient with me. my right arm is very sore because i accidentally miss the ball a lot when i swing. i think all the phantom shots tired me out much faster than 18-holes of golf normally should. golfing is weird, but i like it. i love the bent grass.

i really like how rachel L always makes herself do things she hates. she arrived with bren at storytellers tonight stating that she hates writing and didn't want to do it, and that was exactly why she was there. there's something to be said about tackling dislikes/discomfort dead-on. i can learn a thing or two from her about that.

i'd have to say, things are significally better now that we let that poor elephant out of the room. the walls have been torn down and it is running free.

he's out. he's out. he's out!

as i walked the greens at the golf course today, i was thinking how marvelous it was being away from my computer. i don't miss the internet at all when separated from it. it made me want to do away with my email completely. it don't think that's feasible, but maybe i can start by turning off my notifier and only checking it once or twice a day instead.

you wanted to be shameless – you didn't want to want to.

BE

sometimes i wish i could just post a song as my entry. if i could i'd post "these days" by nico. instead i'll just include a link to it's lyrics (door number one). an honourable mention goes to "the evangelist" by jim guthrie, but since that's only a runner up and reminds me of something i'm not allowed to think about i'll omit a link. if you're that interested you'll have to google it yourself :p

saying things outloud draws attention to the ludicrous. now that i've said it, i regret even thinking it.

i've tried everything. nothing works. i give up.

you were planning it i didn't mean to interrupt.

avid

my plans for this evening got canceled, so instead of having a boring evening of chores, i decided to go to the screening room. i saw bottle shock. it was great.

i wish you'd been there with me on the walk home in the dark. i would've told you all sorts of things...

like how i won't shake his hand. shaking hands is for business men or how you greet someone in africa. but shaking hands is not for me. we are not making an alliance, we are not about to duel. i will not shake his hand.

or about the time i tried to ride my bike while walking my dog.

or how i liked the way my hair moves in my shadow. the way it blew and waved around.

or about how sometimes i can't remember which day of the week it is. he didn't know which day it was and wore jeans to work on the wrong day.

or about how all i really wanted to buy was one single apple, but there were about 80 people in line at a&p so i just placed that mackintosh on a shelf and walked right out. afterwards i kind of wished i'd taken the apple with me, but that would've been wrong.

or about how annoyed i am at myself for leaving work without my vest-coat and book. apparently i was in a real rush to exit my 8'x8' blue cube that i left my worldly possessions behind.

or how sometimes i wish i could forget. everything.

or how i think it's weird that the word "lens" has an 's' on it even though it's singular. why isn't it just a "len"?

or about how i think geese should wear neck ties.

or about how my mailman can't discern between the last name "knight" and "mcknight". there's a difference, it might be subtle. but you'd think the different first name would come in handy in that case.

or how it just hit me that they don't live here anymore. that sucks.

it woulda been nice to walk with you.

i'm just a girl in the world...
that's all that you'll let me be!

bothersome

season four of living room started this evening. i think out of all four premiers this was my favourite. i wasn't feeling stressed or anxious or a lot of pressure from my own expectations. i was prepared to roll with the flow and things went really nicely. it was a good group and we had some good discussion. we're studying the nooma series.

i'm incredibly restless right now. i'm emotionally fidgety, and it's a sensation that's not going away. i agree with the diagnosis that i'm on the verge of something significant, but i don't know what. i have yet to figure that out, although i know what i'd like it to be. sometimes i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. i kind of feel like a benchwarmer. wow, that's actually bang-on. i totally feel like a benchwarmer – i didn't realize it until i wrote that. no wonder i feel so restless and fidgety.

i'm really terrible at icing cakes. good thing i doesn't really matter, it tastes the same regardless.

i'm so bored with my life right now that i feel numb. man, i wish i could feel something, i sure do miss it. when i was a kid, "bored" was a "swear word". we weren't allowed to say it, we had to find something do to. i still kind of work that way, i instinctively want to "fix" my bored state, but there's no quick solution.

when's it gonna be MY turn?

let's forget about the boring brick suburban homes,
let's go out, we'll take this town,
let's wrestle this city to the ground.

bake a cake

he's an aneurysm waiting to happen inside my cranium.

i saw mamma mia tonight with my mom and sister. i've never been to the movies with them before. my dad was a baptist minister, and in the 80s pastors didn't go to the movie theatre. except, we did go to see billy graham presents "caught". man, that movie was disturbing. much worse than "the chipmunk adventure" or the ernest movies or anything ELSE we could've seen...

anyways. we saw mamma mia. i have to admit, i liked it much more than i expected. i thought it would be good, but i really loved the older women. i can see myself being much like them in my 50s. i loved meryl's long hair, i long ago decided to keep my long hair when i'm older, i think it's ridiculous that women cut their hair simply because "older women just don't have long hair". WHO SAYS?!?! meryl was beautiful and flowing and natural and confident. i loved that she and her girl-friends were goofy and comfortable together like old shoes. i hope i'm like that with my girls when i'm that age. somethings change with maturity, but personality doesn't. melissa's always saying she wishes she could see me at work because she thinks i'm too goofy to be professional (not that she doesn't think i am, but she wishes she could see me there since it's a side of me she's never known). i am rather goofy and quirky and random, i don't suppose that'll change much when i'm in my golden years, in fact i might be even more so! i've had things dormant fear for as long as i remember that as i get older i'll lose myself and turn into the grown-ups i've always known. it's disturbed me since the beginning. but now i'm feeling more assured that won't happen.

i need to download a bunch of abba songs. forgotten how much i love the song dancing queen.

when tomorrow gets here where will yesterday be?

unicorns

it was good.

in the car home today paul and i got talking about the differences between men and women. i told him how i'm so puzzled by the male species, and he in return said they don't understand anything about women either. he asked me a lot of questions about how the minds of women work, i tried my best to explain each scenario he presented. it was a little tricky because as the words were coming out of my mouth i knew it seemed crazy and backwards. i also felt bizarre letting him in on the secrets of the female psyche, AND i also didn't want to further tarnish our reputation by exposing our inner most concepts.

haha. poor paul didn't realize that by agreeing to be my carpooler he was also becoming fodder for pspd.

i've noticed that although my sister is 31 years old, she still says "soap oper" instead of "soap opera". i don't think she even realizes her mistake. i should tell her one of these days.

the green party sign on my lawn makes me smile :)

he told me i was charming and beautiful. i've never been called charming before, it was very reassuring.

sometimes i feel like a character in a novel.

now you come to realize the truth and the advice
about the best laid plans of mice and man.

diamonds

sometimes when i'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things i need to do it makes me not want to do anything. i'm giving myself permission to slack off in my personal life until saturday. although, there are some responsibilities that i can't escape – like typing up the minutes from the bored meeting :S all i really want to do is lie around like a lazy bum.

i can across a photo of my 14-year-old self today. sometimes i swear that's a totally different person. i wonder what i would've thought of me if i'd been able to meet my 28-year-old self back then.

step one is done. HR got back to me today saying that if the knickers is ok with me taking a leave of absence that's ok with them. now's the scary part of having to talk to her. it could go either way, sometimes she's very hard to predict. but first i think i'll gather more details and contact iona about it. so it still might be a month or so before i approach my boss.

guess what i learned yesterday? that instead of going "hahahaha"in spanish, they write "jajajajajaja". hahaha. or should i say.... jajaja.

you're still a super hot female.

splash

everything he says is cryptic and i'm left trying to figure out what he means. it's fun, like a puzzle of the spoken word.

ok people, what's the deal with the letter Q?? like, why is it so frickin co-dependent on the letter U. i propose that we put an end to this behaviour and just assume that the U is there. from now on, Q letter words shall be spelled like so: qeen, qit, qick, eqip, eqal, aqire, and so on. who do i speak to about this? i realize these words look bizarre but we'll all get used to it, we can't hinder progress just because it reqires an adjustment. there are huge advantages to this, just think how this change will alter the game of scrabble! and while i'm on this topic.... what's up with the letter X?? when it's at the end of a word it has a hard K-S sound, like botox. but when it's at the beginning of a word it makes a Z sound? like xeno. it's the chameleon letter!! i find this infuriating.

below is a photo of me and shannon at the goat celebrating. i like this pic – how the background is so dark and yet our faces are so washed out. i also really like that i don't look 8 years older than she is, like i am in real life.


my book has me swept away with girlish notions. i was afraid for a minute there that the heroine had been killed. i swear if they'd killed evy i would've tossed that book across the room and never have picked it up again. thankfully that didn't happen so i plod on with elation.

beautiful chin, beautiful shoulder-blades, beautiful forehead, beautiful big toes, beautiful sternum, beautiful pancreas, beautiful things, BEAUTIFUL ESOPHAGUS. oh you are so beautiful...

abominable

i don't think i'm particularly thick-skinned. nor am i overly sensitive though. things happen and they sting, but not for very long and usually not without good reason. i think enduring critiques from classmates in college helped me learn how to accept constructive criticism. i also know how the world works and that not everyone will like me or the things i do. i have no grand illusions that i will be found in everyone's favour. and because of that i'm developing a layer of scar-tissue. i guess times like this i'm reminded to be slow to criticize others and to be gracious with people i don't know. i take solace in the fact that those who know me love me.

timing is everything. right now i suspect i need to be open to anything.

sometimes you can't make it on your own.

wind

it's freaking hot in here. i was getting used to the colder weather and now i feel constantly moist. yuck. i swear my eyelids are sweaty.

this afternoon shannon and i went to the demolition derby at the fair.


she LOVES demolition derbys (strange considering she's a raging feminist and vegetarian. it just seems very uncharacteristic of her. but if there's one thing i've grown to love about shan is that she shatters all preconceived notions. she's a wonderful and marvelous woman of strength and abnormality). i'd never been to a demolition derby before, it was very entertaining. i bought some cotton candy and crochetted a little (i like knitting/crochetting in unconventional places). it felt funny being at the fair considering my animosity towards it, but whatever, i'm not one to shy away from things because a steadfast/silly rule in my head. we hung out with some animals afterwards too. that was pretty cool.


while everyone's been up in arms over the new facebook, i was thrown for a loop with the new sitemeter. i HATED IT! it doesn't give me the information i enjoy the most! however, about an hour ago they switched back to the old format. i don't know why, i'm hoping they'll keep it this way, i really didn't like that other format. it bothered me a lot.

tim says listening to the surmising of women is both amusing and annoying.

i believe in the kingdom come,
then all the colours will bleed into one.

galoshes

i'm sleepy but i want to stay up reading. my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak....

shannon and i went go-karting this afternoon! each summer i want to go but can never find anyone willing to go with me. we were the oldest people there who weren't accompanying children. it was pretty fun and was shan's first time ever. afterwards i got thinking about how the only difference between doing something and not is the act of going and doing it. it's pretty simple. you want to do something, so do it! i need to act on these things more often instead of letting 10 years of wanting to go-kart go by. i love doing stuff :)

later today i went to amadeus cafe with rhonda & isaac. i'd never been there before, but after meeting the owner at michelle's place i decided i should get on that. so just like with the go-karting we went, and it's now crossed off my list of things i've never done before that i've been wanting to do. it was good!

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but write of it again to emphasize the extent of my problem. i have a major compulsion to paint my fingernails. inspite of this urge i'm also quite disgusted by it. i use crazy strong colours and find the whole ordeal quite ghastly. i worry sometimes that other people are grossed out by it because i sure am. it doesn't suit me at all, my nails are short and my fingers are small. i wish i could stop, but i've discovered it's a guilty pleasure so i continue. it's like self-inflicted cruelty.

i live in a breakable takeable body – an ever-increasingly valuable body.

poi

she wrote me a beautiful letter. she told me "take heed, you will come forth as gold". i cried fat tears on her behalf. i love her dearly. i miss her now, i'll miss her more then. i wish she wasn't an ocean away.

on the way to work paul was telling me he had a date tonight. they were meeting at the goat – it was his maiden visit. he was so excited about it that it was contagious. by the time we arrived at the office i was all like "oooOOHh ya... paul's going on a date." i was also really psyched about him going to the goat for the first time. i was totally in the groove with him.

shannon and i went to tracy's birthday dance party at next tonight. it was really funny because before hand we were both like "are you going to dance?" and i told her i dance all the time at home, but i don't dance in public without a little bit of alcohol. since it was a dry party (because next doesn't have a liquor licence) i wasn't sure how comfortable i'd be – sometimes i'm still held back by my inner baptist. so we went to the lcbo and bought a bottle of australian wine (in honor of tracka – the bottle was plastic, it was really funny) and drank most of it at shan's house. we felt like the drunk kids crashing the school dance. i wasn't drunk, but it was enough to make me wobbly – i CAN'T hold my liquour. we went and danced the night away. i danced so hard i ripped my pants. hahaha, it's not really as it sounds, but i still ripped them nonetheless. it was funny because shannon, chelsea and i went into the "make-out room" (or at least it SEEMED like a room set up for make-out sessions. chelsea and todd claim to have made out in there, but garry and i don't believe it. those stelmachs can't be trusted :p ) and tracka twirlled fire. all in all it was a fun time.

illusions in my mind.

hyperbole

you know what? i'm incredibly fortunate to have some of the best friends in the world :)

oh my goodness.... i LOVE this SONG. it sets me on fire and makes me feel so amazingly alive. i dance around my little room with dance moves no one else can see.

i like sentences that go like: "she had had enough" and "he realized that that dog was up to something". like, what's up with those double words?? it blows my mind!

at lunch i discovered that i'd left my trashy novel at home and i felt a pang of separation anxiety. i'm becoming unwittingly attached to it.

the fair has arrived at the m centre across the street. it is my least favourite part of year – when my street is over taken my circus mongers and tractors. i'm bracing myself for the saturday morning country karaoke that will take place a stone's throw away from the pad.

we're rolling neon lights and slinking purple skies.

one tooth. two teeth.

today is my 5th anniversary. i've been working for bombardier for 5 years. wow, it feels like a long time and not at the same time. i can't get over how much my life drastically changed at that point. well, i don't suppose it was noticeably drastic at the time but it's so glaring obvious when i look back. it's been a good 5 years. 5 of the best. i was 23, so unbelievably young i've grown in leaps and bounds both professional and personally since then. it's neat. i wonder where i'll be in 5 years from now. i'll be 33.

i forget all the bad things.

it's funny, my phone just rang, when i answered it the person said "hi lesley, it's paul" and i said "paul who?" hahaha. oh, just paul who i drive to and from work with every day. you'd think the french accent would've tipped me off. i feel kind of guilty about that. paul who... hahaaha

i wrote a story about rachel's bathroom.

i have to admit, i'm really getting hooked on my trashy/clean novel. i'm a sucker for sentences like "he was more handsome than ever, with a devilish grin and devastating gaze... every inch a scamp".

my truest smiles are the ones i make with my eyes.

not trying to catch your eye, not trying to touch your hand,
not trying to show you part of me no one else can find.

virtue

paul likes the way i say "bizarre" and "i know" all the time.
i like the way paul says "seriously".
shannon likes the way paul dances.
i like the way shannon leads as a gentleman dance partner.

since i downgraded to basic cable i have a very limited selection to choose from for when i do my workout after work. i ellipticate for 45 minutes. oddly enough, i've begun watching "dr. quinn, medicine woman" on vision tv. it's pretty amusing. we were so obsessed with that show in my tweens. it's kind of funny to watch, i thought i'd hate it, but it's given me a few good laughs, i don't take it as seriously as i once did. i'm almost looking forward to watching it tomorrow! hahaha. who am i?!?!

if i forget, won't you wake me up?
remind me not to feel a thing.

daisy chain

my day did not start off so well. i arrived at work to discover one of my external hard-drives was not responding. it's my big hard-drive with all my working files on it, everything i've done this year. obviously i was kicking myself for only backing up my files on cd once a year (in december). however, i knew getting upset, stressed and sick to my stomach over it wouldn't help anything, so i remained calm. i informed my colleagues of the handicap and called the IT department. chuck the computer guy suggested trying it on another computer, and we managed to get it working on frank's mac. so he copied all the contents onto his computer and we now have to find a way to put everything back on my compy. it's totally weird when there's no explanation for the defunct behaviour. it was working, i could turn it on as per usual, but nothing. i hate it when that happens in life. like when a person dies, or i lose something and can't find it, it's so frustrating because for all intensive purposes life is the same, except it's not.

i emailed the head of HR for info on getting a leave of absence. she didn't respond. sounds familiar. i think ignoring emails is a really popular thing to do lately. it's becoming very trendy... i told my mom today that i'm afraid they won't approve my leave and that i'll end up working in my cubicle for the rest of my life. ironically later this afternoon knickers made a comment about me wanting to work there for another 30 years, and i said to her "i do?" i hope she picked up on the hint. i think i decided today that if i'm still working there in 10 years that i will force myself to go else where. there is so much more to life than a stanchy office. i really want to eventually do something else. i don't like living in survive mode. i'm not a survivor, i'm a liver. give me room to move and grow! because i'm feeling squashed, there must be more than this!!!

his time is up.

i'm reading this ridiculous novel right now. i've read two trilogies by the same author before; the first one i loved, the second one was ok (however it did provoke my obsession with pirates), but this one feel so trite and predictable. girl has unacknowledged crush on scoundrel who is handsome and everyone else swoons over except for her. i can guarantee that after she keeps her distance and he makes bold gestures to get her attention they will fall in love and get married. frig. why do i read this garbage. they're always the same – its always the most beautiful underprivileged girl (or boy) who is strong willed and fights against the opposing forces of the world and triumphs over the odds. oh, we mustn't forget the little detail that the girl is unaware of her beauty and the way everyone regards her. i swear, if i write a book it'll be about an ordinary girl who is plan to look at and gets ignored by mostly everyone. that was one of my favourite elements of "a complicated kindness". oh, and i think i'd like for everything NOT to work out in the end. that seems most realistic.

i want them to hate me so you can love me on the sly.

ransom

we had the funnest pizza party at next today. it was so great. i like it when everyone stays and mingles together. you know? that's the way it should be. it made me really happy.

i am a highly communicative person. at least in written form. via writing i will tell people things i wouldn't say under normal circumstances. i think i assumed everyone was that way. but i'm starting to grasp that not everyone feels natural while writing. in fact, for some people writing is an unbelievable challenge.

i'm not sure why, but i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is completely fraudulent. a total phony, and he's the only person who doesn't know it.

this evening melissa came over for a cup of tea and a visit. it was funny because when she arrived she gave me a big hug in the kitchen, the curtains were wide open and a lady walking by the front of my house was watching us. we laughed, but it seemed so weird! like, can't a girl hug her friend in the privacy of her own kitchen? jeepers...

tomorrow i'm going to ask HR about the possibility of taking a leave of absence from work for 6 to 8 weeks in the new year. nothing to be concerned about, i'm just considering having a grand adventure and a meaningful experience beyond the boarders of my ordinary life. the knickers will not be pleased, hence the reason i'm bypassing her and asking HR. cross your fingers....

i'm working it out.

maze

i wonder about that expression "things happen when you least expect it". like, what's the deal with that? do expectations seriously hinder things from happening? and what's the difference between expectations and hopes?

shannon and i had a wonderful adventure over on the island today. we took the ferry across to wolfe island and went for a long bike ride to big sandy bay. melissa had told me that it only takes 30 minutes, but it took us closer to 50. we're slow. we sat in the sand for a long time talking and eating chocolate. after we were there a while we noticed a dog come out of on to the beach about 75 ft away. it was alone and was coming right at us. shannon commented "oh, it's a dog wearing a life-jacket" we both laughed and found it strange. but as it sauntered closer we realized it wasn't a life-jacket at all! in actuality, his torso had been painted black with a large yellow "32" on both sides!!! he kept going and had a bit of a limp. no other dogs came along nor did any people. just a lone dog apparently escaped from a race of some sort. i'm seriously not making this up! it was frickin' hilarious. on the way back to town we got caught in a light rain, which wouldn't have been a big deal except it lasted for our entire 50 minute ride back and by the time we reached the island grill for dinner we were drenched.

thankfully, we went up to st. margaret's hall for an old fashion hoedown, which made us all hot from the square dancing so our damp clothes were refreshing. we had a super fun time, it was neat because rhonda & isaac were there, and so was carpooler paul. the last dance made me super dizzy. it was a good time. once again being on the island got me thinking that maybe i should move there soonish, but when i arrived back at my house i remembered how much this is home for me. i'm not ready to move there, some day but not yet.

you could throw me a bone.

snub

i don't know why, but i guess i don't really want to. knowing doesn't change anything. i just don't want it to be, and the why feels irrelevant.

you've got to put the fire out.

i wonder why everyone is so much more pleased about it than i am.

i'd like a definite no, if nothing else.

my shirt is damp from the rain.

we're a peanut-butter and jam sandwich.

nobody knows which street to take

(in)famous

so funny thing..... oh nothing...

joy came over tonight and we had a nice visit. i filled her in on my life changes, and she confirmed me in the directions i feel most drawn to. it feels good to have her along on this ride with me. i can't help but wonder if it's a coincidence that everyone's instincts are saying the same or if it just means we're all right but don't know it yet.

i got my phone switched to cable phone tonight. that reminds me, i should record a new outgoing message on my voicemail. apparently that doesn't transfer with my number. so ya, my number's the same. KIM-HAYS. now i can call beck up north for the same amount of money as calling melissa tebrake in k-town. not like i'd exercise that right, i hate the phone, i only answer it 40% of the time. i don't even know why i have one actually.

you'd be proud of me if you knew.

i will bring a song to you.

vagina

i just got a letter from the love of your life. it made me laugh out loud, and at times almost cry. when he talked about his love for you i smiled from ear-to-ear, it's like an old-fashion sonnet. you truly are the most romantic couple i know, it's lovely. he is indeed an incredible person, and i am blessed to know him. and you too! there's something amazing about hand-written letters; emails and the computer age just can't replicate it.

tracy invited me to a stitch n' bitch at made4you tonight. it was the first one ever. it'll be held on the first wednesday of each month. i'm excited since i'm looking for opportunities to meet new people and mingle in new circles. it was a smallish group tonight, but i enjoyed myself, and tracy helped me figure out what i was doing wrong with my crochetting, so i'm going to have to rip it out AGAIN! the stitch n' bitch was run by a girl named meredith, i was amused to discover his full name was "meredith lesley" which is super fun because my name is "lesley meredith". i think the strangest part about that, is that she's the SECOND meredith lesley i've met THIS YEAR! madness! anyways, i'm pretty happy because i now have a new activity that doesn't cost me anything. yay! i'm making progress.

i know i'm not done yet. i haven't got it out of my system yet, or alternatively i haven't fully absorbed it. regardless, it'll still be a number of days before i switch to something else.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

target

if it isn't obvious right away, then i think the answer's pretty clear. that being said, i'm going to consider everything ELSE you told me.

sometimes i don't like the words that come out of my own head.

if you don't try how will you know?

metamorphosis

well, another labour day has come and gone and i'll be putting my white accessories away for another year. ok, not quite. i've never understood that whole after labour day thing.

i've had a lovely relaxing day of relaxing and cleaning. i got every room in the house done except for my room. i ran out of time because i was going to melissa's place for a bbq at 5. i had a really good time. i have to admit, i was a little nervous, which is stupid because i KNOW i can make conversation with just about anyone. but i've gotten out of the habit of stretching myself, becoming lazy in my comfort zone. but i went, and i mingled and i talked about work with about 5 different people (it's a good thing i like my job and my industry), and left feeling really happy, i enjoyed all the people i talked to. i'm glad she invited me :) and it was perfect timing since i'm looking for opportunities to mingle in new circles. not that i'm tired of the people i know or anything, i just need expand my world and mix it up a little.

you know what i've noticed about my car? that it provokes envy in the male species. it's not a super fancy car or anything, but whenever it gets mentioned, men always raise both their eyebrows and say "ooh, i really like those cars" – without fail!

it's nice to know that i have a huge group of cheerleaders behind me as i try to figure out the next path for my life.

i'm so glad i don't have to go back to school tomorrow. i've been graduated for 7 years, and every year i feel relieved that i don't have to go to class. phew! i'm so glad my chosen profession worked out for me.

i asked and you told me
"go give it all you got".