conspiracy

yesterday i saw a turtle try to cross taylor-kidd in rush hour. he was bigger than a matchbox but smaller than a house. i was frightened for him, but oh so excited when i saw him make it back safely to the shoulder. very cute. the turtle reminded me of the time when i was a kid when we were driving to someone's cottage and came across a massive turtle on a country road. it was so big that it was actually blocking the way. my parents (for some reason unknown to me) decided to put it in the back of our stationwagon and take it with us. later, on the beach, my dad fought it with a stick. i'm pretty sure the turtle won.

the part of me that loves to plan excurisions has been delighted the last day or so. not only did i book our B&B for our one-year anniversary (26 days away!) in westport (we're staying at the cove country inn, and we got a room with a jacuzzi!), i booked our summer vacation :D since we loved our campsite at bon echo SO MUCH, we decided to go there again. i booked the same site for one week! neither of us have gone camping for so long before, so it will be a new and challenging experience. thankfully since we did some camping last summer we have an idea of what we have and don't have, so i think by then we'll be pretty prepared. i'm really looking forward to it. for the week of camping we'll take our BIG BIG tent - the six-person tent we were given that has two rooms. that will provide us with a bedroom and a living room :p on top of that, we've started talking about going to NYC for the thanksgiving long weekend. wwooooOOOOOoohhhhHHHHh. i'm SO excited. i've been to NYC twice already (and i love it), but in general i like trips and excursions - whatever they are. i can't believe it's june tomorrow. as far as i'm concerned summer has begun! it'll probably fill up and fly by, but i'll enjoy it while it lasts :D

all the small steps,
all your 'shouda' clouds.

cooperation

finally!! the rain is gone and it's summer-like outside!!

yesterday i sat out on the balcony on our thai cushions listening to jane eyre and knitting. i finished jane eyre. i loved it. i have to admit, i was quite surprised actually, and the last line in the book just killed me. this evening b, nancy and i are going to see the film at the screening room and i can't wait! i'm really looking forward to it. i actually think it will be better than the book because the book is quite long and a little slow moving. when i rewatched the trailer (for the 5th time) last night i was blown over.

this weekend shannon and i went to a social justice conference at the sally ann. it included 3 workshops and 2 speakers. we found the first speaker offensive and aggressive in his presentation (he was from the RCMP). a lot of his terminology was hateful and kind of condescending to those directly impacted by human trafficking. however, the women speakers were great, inspiring, hope-giving, faith-based. really great. as i debriefed with brendan later i felt almost overwhelmed and unsure of what to do with my new information. and he reminded me of the mother teresa quote that i used in my sermon last week "we can do no great things, only small things with great love". so i'm putting on my thinking cap and finding ways to demonstrate great love. i think it may start (as usual) in my own neighbourhood. how can i be warm, loving, and inviting with strangers when i'm a bit stand-offish with the people on my own street! it's hard because i'm shy AND introverted. i LOVE time alone, i love to retreat into my own world. but yesterday as i sat on my balcony, many neighbours and community members passed by and some stopped to speak with me. i chose to set aside what i was doing to make room for them in my day. i'm starting small, even though it's challenging for me.

a number of years ago i had several friends who were reading or had read "the irresistible revolution" and it made a big and positive impact on their lives. i didn't want to read it. i didn't want to be told by someone else what i could and couldn't resist.

when i started dating beardy certain topics (related and unrelated to that book) would come up and cause arguments. brendan felt if i read the book i'd have a better understanding of where he's coming from. i knew if i read it before i wanted to that i would not be open to new perspectives and get my back up constantly. but recently, with many issues surfacing (ObL's assassination, the foul election, the census, my sermon, the conference i went to this past weekend) i finally felt interested in reading the elusive irresistible revolution. so far i'm enjoying it, and i like discussing it with brendan. there are a few things i don't necessarily agree with the writer on (i feel there is an absence of grace theology, and a lack of explanation that the writer is driven by love and not to earn brownie points - even though i believe love and devotion are his motives) but i like disagreeing with him. i feel that by identifying differences between our views i have confidence that i'm reading the book objectively, and as a result appreciate our points of commonality even more so. i'm neither defensive (often an indicator of conviction) nor forsaking everything (spontaneously rejecting my current situation). he's sharing his story, and reading it makes me think about my own story and how it could or might unfold. which is good and i like that.

this entry is longer than i thought it would be. funny. i guess writing less frequently lends itself to writing more.

 

shakes me,
makes me lighter.

different

i had a dream last night that i went back to highschool as an adult. it was a weird highschool, it had no walls or windows like brendan's school :p in addition to that i was extra confused because it wasn't straightforward the way it used to be and i was constantly out of rotation. i was quite relieved when i woke up.

i've heard it said that "when all is said and done, more was said than was done". ouch. but so true. sometimes the doing part involves saying, but the key is saying to the right person or people. i don't want to become transfixed with talking a lot about a problem, listening a lot about a problem, but then never actively doing anything about the problem.

this evening, in order to be active, brendan and i have a date to write letters to the powers-that-be about stats canada and their association with lockheed martin. for me this is a multi-fold issue, and they are issues that need to be addressed and expressed. i feel in order to be effective i need to be thoughtful and clear. i don't want my words and beliefs misconstrued so that my voice is ignored. i care about all walks of life - which includes the military. while i'm opposed to war, i feel that having a military is important in times of crisis such as the flooding in manitoba and the fires in saskatchewan. i would like the emphasis of our trained soldiers and their leaders to be provide aid and promote non-violent peace-keeping. it can be done, and i want to encourage our the canadian forces to move in that direction. just like how we can't fight fire with fire - we can't fight terror with terror. it's dehumanizing. it dehumanizes us all.

i've come to a conclusion recently that on a base level everyone pretty much wants the same thing. we all just want to sit in peace and eat a sandwich. the only way for us all to win is to play fair. to strive for peace and meeting needs... that's the road to life. we can't pursue violence and oppression then be surprised when it leads to destruction. the pen is mightier than the sword!! so pick up your pen and write a letter!

it's rained every day for at least 2 weeks. i really need to do my laundry, but there hasn't been a nice enough day to hang my clothes out to dry. i'm down to my last pair of sox. odd that the weather effects my sox supply. it seemed to start raining immediately after bren left the country. she should have arrived home last night, and i'm kind of surprised that the rain hasn't disappeared. i hoped she'd bring the sun with her.

 

put down your gun.
ignore the alarm.
open up your heart.
let down your guard.

tab

so i says to b last eve... "i bumped into a guy i used to work with at startek at the grocery store"
he says with surprise "oh, that's unlike you. you don't usually speak to people you know"
so i corrected myself "well i didn't talk to him, i just saw him"
"ah" he says "so by 'bumped into' you mean ''avoided'"
"yes" i tell him
"that sounds more like you" he says

being the modern family that we are, sometimes we watch the tv during dinner. i find this justifiable since it's an activity that we're doing together, and we're not doing it instead of talking about our days. by dinner time we've already touched base several times (by phone, in the car, and around the house) so that we're not missing anything by eating in the living room. that being said, i don't imagine we'll continue doing that when life gets fuller and the lorimerettes arrive. sometimes we joke that in the future we'll make the kids eat at the table and we'll still watch the tv together.

last year i came up with a great idea to take the la tienda booth from next to the wolfe island music festival to sell stuff in the vendor's village. i think the calibre of the la tienda merch is much higher than some of the other booths i've seen there, and also more reasonably priced. i mentioned it to shanno and she was also interested in doing that. but i left it too late and didn't make the deadline. so this year i was right on top of things and submitted my application yesterday. they only accept 12 booths and i wondered what my chances were. but i already received a response saying that it sounds like a great organization and that we're in. i'm super excited! this is something i've never done before :D

 

love is a doing word.

dial

i've got dirt under my fingernails. i was gardening yesterday, and got filthy. i love it. i love the dirt of the earth. i love the soil. i love the smell of plants.

because i didn't properly store my garden away last year, there was quite a clean-up to do along with the planting of this year's spoils. the balcony looks great. i feel quite satisfied with my accomplishments. my favourite part was when i was digging in the herb garden and brendan sat on the chairs behind me chatting and admiring my work. while we chatted i told him about the garden i had when i was a kid. that my parents turned my old sandbox into a garden for me, and i got to have my very own alongside of my dad's. i was just little, around 6 or 7. back then it was more about the experience of growing some then about growing my own food. although i did love eating cherry tomatoes off the vine, and even now as i think of that my mouth waters. i have fond memories of gardening as a kid, and i look forward to when we have a backyard of our own and we can grow vegetables of all kinds. that will be beautiful. i chose my herb plants with intention this year, considering what we cook and what herbs we use, and selected them based on our need. i also decided to have a go at growing bell pepper's in a pot. i've tried tomatoes, green beans and clematises in the big pot before, but that spot just doesn't get enough sunlight. i always had good luck growing pepper's when i was a kid (even though i didn't eat them), so i thought i'd give it a shot this year and see how it goes. i have visions of us eating stuffed peppers with our crop. delicious. my hands are rough and chapped from my womanual labours in the garden. i rub my fingers together as a reminder that yesterday i was connected with creation. it feels like a secret that i share with myself.

the morning and early afternoon was so beautiful yesterday. but the late afternoon took a turn for the worse and we were pretty much trapped inside. since the morning and afternoon were so different they almost feel like two separate days. i knitted while we watched the ten commandments (i got it from the library). i'm kind of disappointed that charlston was such a gun-toter in his old age. i quite liked him as moses.

b and i hold different understands of the word "simple". he feels that simple is a good thing, and considers the word simple a compliment. i, on the otherhand, feel that "simplicity" or "simply" is a good thing, but simple is not. simple expresses a lacking of something. whether a lack of understanding, lack of purpose or use, a lack of depth, lack of beauty.

sometimes when i over use a word in writing it no longer looks like a word - simple. it doesn't look like a word anymore. caps usually renders something even more meaningless - SIMPLE. look at that word for a while and tell me if it looks like a word with meaning.

 

you've got a heart filled with passion,
will you let it burn for hate or compassion?

kitchener stitch

i find it interesting that most of the hardest parts of life as a woman would be solved or disappear if i was a man. brendan likes to go for walks in the neighbourhood late at night. as a woman i don't have that freedom unless i'm with someone else. men have fewer social pressures round their behaviour in terms of if they marry, when they marry, if they have kids, when they have kids, clothing, appearances (no make up), freedom in general. the number of single women out number single men, and men do better on a business/career level more easily than women do.

don't get me wrong, i think life is hard and challenging for men too. they have their own set of social expectations and norms. i guess the difference is that their challenges would not be solved simply by being the opposite sex. i feel frustrated by that. and it's actually the reason why i hope to have sons some day instead of daughters.

i preached this morning. i had a good time. i was parched and kind of breathless because of my excitement, but i felt i conveyed my points the way i intended. another positive preaching experience that grew me and changed me. i'm thankful for that. i think other people found it to be positive as well. i preached about loving God, loving others (in spite of their actions, beliefs and situations), and helping the poor – essentially the pillars of christian faith.

i'm pretty excited because i bought my garden materials this afternoon and plan to plant then tomorrow. i've noticed in the past that my garden seems to wilt and die by july (half way thru the season) so i'm going to work hard to keep it flourishing all summer long. hopefully since i'm not taking vacation til the end of august (camping) i can give it the necessary attention.

i should go. i get to go cook for some hungry people at special meals now :)

atheists and charlatans and communists and lesbians
and even old pat robertson, oh God he loves us all
catholic or protestant, terrorist or president
everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love!

sawdust

i don't think the world is going to end on saturday, unlike the billboards say.

one person, harold camping, read the bible from one vantage point and came to a conclusion that for one reason or another really appealed to people. he is one person, he is not God, and he doesn't have a great track record for accurate predictions.

judgement day - may 21 has become a hot topic of conversation, facebook, radio, etc etc. the thing is, rapture theology - which is this notion of christians being taken away from earth - totally flies in the face of the gospel. one little verse in the bible was taken out of context and has become the basis of escapism and apathy... "none of this matters because i'm leaving some day anyways". how tragic! what a sad way of existing. how contrary to the teaching of jesus. i get why it's appealing, i just wish it wasn't such a rampantly held belief. it's essentially church pop culture! it's distorted theology! i wish that people would study the bible for themselves if they're really interested instead of letting other peoples ideology become their belief system. the bible is complex, and can be used to damage and oppress others when taken out of context. but it's actually one complete story. it really needs to be understood in it's entirety - even though i'm partial to all the red words, they don't make sense without the rest.

to be honest, i'm looking forward to sunday when all the tension is broken and we get back to living (which is the point!). i feel sad for the people who are banking on being raptured (not even a biblical word by the way!), it will be a mighty blow. i truly wish them well in figuring out where to go from there.
 
that's great, it starts with an earthquake,
birds and snakes, an aeroplane -

lenny bruce is not afraid.

literally

we may seem different, but i don't think we are. not way down at the core. it's kind of reassuring to know that. i just wish we could talk about the surface differences so we can understand each other better. that's what i want - understanding. that and i want to be known.

it's raining a lot these past few days, and in the days to come as well. it makes we wonder how we'll all keep afloat.

shanno works at david's tea, and i like to go in when she's working to sample the latest and pay her a visit. i used to do that when beck worked at minotaur, only i would check out the merch instead of consume it. i like it when my friends are employed at downtown shops. i have to admit, i'm becoming a bit of a DT elitist, i was at the goat last night and the tea i had there was not nearly as good. b likes to imagine that david from david's tea is like the wizard of oz. i like to imagine him as my dear friend david - i can see him owning a trendy and sophisicated beverage shop.

did i tell you that i'm listening to jane eyre on audio book? i saw the movie trailer at the screening room, and it freaked me out. but later bren and the erbs saw it and both said it was excellent. so i warmed to the idea of the novel, and thought i'd give it a go. it's not creepy at all, and i'm quite enjoying it. i re-watched the movie trailer and can tell already how much they condensed it. i'm so very pleased with the progress i'm making with b's cardy, it should be finished this weekend. which isn't a moment too soon because he's in desperate need of one. i got home after work yesterday to find him wearing one of mine. this is the first sweater i've ever made, and it's going pretty well! except for the problem with my purling. i don't purl correctly, and i noticed that the body and the sleeves have distinctly different stitches since the sleeves were knitted on the round and the body was knitted and purled. oops. oh well, i think only knitters would notice.

 

this sunday's sermon is coming along. it's just about ready. the write is my favourite part. the delivery is probably my least favourite, but i'm sure it will be fine. it always is :)

 

does the space cold do funny things to your nipples, making them all pointy?

talk show

i saw a wild turkey this morning. it was big and black, and it rocked his head forwards and backwards as it walked. i was glad that it was far from the road, because i wouldn't want to have a collision with it.

on saturday i took the city bus for the first time in 10+ years because brendan drove to work. i must say, i found it incredibly satisfying. it made me wish i could ride the bus more often. i had my little tote bag full of knitting, items from the public library, and rice cakes. b thought i looked pretty adorable :p getting myself from point A to point B has always been strongly associated in my mind to independance. this is perhaps my greatest satisfaction - to be capable. my biggest dread is to have someone clip my wings, even if they do so out of niceness.

all day yesterday (after church) i sat on my couch knitting and listening to jane eyre on audio book. i listened to and completed the blind assassin on saturday, and found that it was far too short for my large knitting project. it was only a 3 disc book, so i got jane eyre, which is 17 discs. it was a great sunday afternoon and evening. i drank wine, wore cozy clothes, listened to an engaging book, and knit to my hearts content. i'm making some serious progress on b's cardy, and may have it done by this weekend. definitely by the end of the weekend at the latest. oh what a fine rainy day.

sometimes when i resolve to do something, i later dread the inevitability of it.

 

my heart was never pure.

trillium

i'm so glad that it's warming up – a true reflection of spring. i'm cracking out my summer clothes and thinking of painting my toenails.

the best songs are full of poetry. lovely, compelling, honest-to-goodness intertwining poetry.

today i registered for a writing course thru slc. emma wants me to develop my business writing skills into the direction of persuasive writing or marketing writing. i searched for seminars in toronto or ottawa, partly because i liked the idea of traveling for business. but taking a course locally has it's advantages as well. the course i'm taking isn't just a seminar, it's actually a correspondence course, which i've never done before, but brendan does them often enough that i have an idea of what it's like. i'm actually really excited about it. it's the first official educational course that i've taken in 10 years. i like the idea of having a certificate that confirms that i'm a qualified writer, it means i can actually offer those skills on a professional arena instead of just creative writing.

gotta run! b and i are meeting robb at tommy's dinner for dinner! exciting!

if i had an orchard, i'd work till i'm sore.

circumcise

i've been asked to preach in two weeks (well actually it's a 1 week and a half), so i've been doing a lot of writing for that. which leaves me with less to write about for pspd. i like that preaching teaches me, perhaps more than it teaches other people. i like having an opportunity to study a topic with purpose, and to really challenge myself. so far it's always been a very positive experience.

now that we're nearly into mid-may my allergies are putting up a fight. i've been medicating which keeps them from spiraling down into a mess of inchiness and restricted breathing.

i've developed a liking for fruit-to-go. it reminds me of fruit-roll-ups, only way better. i always feel like i'm eating candy, when it's actually just dried fruit.

bren is flying out today for toronto, then istanbul, then johannesburg, then mozambique. where she'll be til next friday, before doing the trip in reverse, with a layover in istanbul for several days. a love of travel is one of many things bren and i have in common. she's traveling for work and is leading a workshop all next week - she's an international development consultant (which a mouthful, huh? it takes almost as long to say as my work email address). i like it when she emails me from far away and tells me about the slow internet, because i can feel her contentment and her joy at doing something she loves.

i read a great line today in my book, it said "sometimes we speak out to change the world, and other times we speak to try to keep the world from changing us". i thought of shannon when i read that. of the flack she's been getting from a girl on facebook because of her pro-peace stance on the census. i'm proud of shannon. she's standing by her convictions, and even if it doesn't change the world this time, it will not get the better of her.

 

if more people were screaming then i could relax.

increase

last week i spent every evening at home knitting. even book club didn't happen for some mysterious reason. it was a nice change of pace, although often when life is not busy i don't really know what to do with myself. since then life has been more full again and i found that i talked a lot when spending time with people - which is my tendency after spending a lot of time alone.

after i poured the contents back into its pop can, brendan remarked at how resourceful i am. my resourcefulness is becoming more and more apparent. he told me that he'd have no problem dropping me off in an unknown city and leaving me to find my own way. for me, that's one of the highest compliments i could receive. i like being inventive and crafty - and not in the handicraft kind of way. being smart is kind of new to me. i was crap at school and known among my peers as not too bright. maybe having a reputation for being stupid was just the result of flying under the radar while growing up. or maybe adulthood suits me with it's real-world skills and applied maths.

there's something wonderful and encouraging about feeding people at special meals. to see hungry people eating and filled. to meet a simple and important need that way. it's hope-inspiring.

it's as easy as breathing for us all to participate.

inc

in the mirror i saw i had some goat cheese in my hair. i'm not entirely certain of how this happened. but now i feel that i need to keep re-checking in case there's more.

i recently notified my insurance company that my husband needed to be added to my policy as an occassional driver. when the rep noticed brendan's age she gave me a dire projection of how my rates would go up. i said to her "i know that he's under 25, but he's also married so it shouldn't be quite as expensive..." she wouldn't relent and kept saying he should enroll in driver's ed. after a few weeks of waiting and speculating that our rates may triple, i received notice in the mail saying our monthly rate was increasing by $60. phew!! that's not too bad compared to $300!!

i think i'm going to take a break from facebook for a few days. there's too much stuff floating around there, and it's dragging us down. me and my house, we need some peace. at least it's sunny out. what a nice change. perhaps the storm clouds are disappearing.

 

it's horribly awkward being around people when they're flirting.

 

so you just sit on your hands
and quietly contemplate
your next bold move.

hairspray

in november, brendan and i were talking over dinner. i don't remember what we were eating, but i remember what we were talking about. we were having a debate of sorts. we were talking faith, and purpose, the future, and the present. it wasn't an argument, but i remember brendan getting up from the table in exasperation, standing in the kitchen slightly raising his voice and arms in the air. this made an impression on me. not the discomfort of working thru different beliefs and opinions, not our posture or what we were eating. i remember this dinner together because it was a turning point for me. my understanding of faith, my perception of suffering, my feelings about the future, all changed because we took the time to talk about a hard topic.

they say in polite society that one is not to discuss politics or religion... but i'm going to anyways. when it's done lovely and respecfully it can benefit others and myself a great deal. i'm glad for the times that i've been exposed to new information and new concepts through conversation. i don't want to enter the arena to coax or convince anyone, but challenges benefit us all immensely. it's too easy for us to ignore hot topics unless they impact us directly. so i'm taking the flame out into the open. this leaves me open to personal attack, vulnerable to the unkindness of others. but i'm hopeful that even their negative feedback will start them thinking in new and honest ways.

being intellectually provoked is good for my mental agility. i want to be provoking too. i'm not ok with maintaining the status quo, so i guess that means that change has to start with me.

 

watching capitalism gun down democracy,
it had this funny effect on me
i guess.

garbage

yesterday was a hard day in many ways. i'm left puzzled and confused, while at the same time hopeful and encouraged by the NDP opposition and e may winning a seat. but mostly discouraged. i've spent a lot of time since yesterday thinking about scathing remarks i'd like to say on facebook, finger-pointing, and challenging issues i'd throw in the face of our harper government. it wasn't very satisfying though. bitterness and contempt never is. then the still-soft-voice started to be heard in my heart, and i remembered that my sharpe tongue would not make the world a better place. i want to be gracious, a soft word would open hearts and minds more effectively. i'm a hot-head of irish and scottish decent. i let passion and righteous-anger turn into flames that burn myself and others to the ground. i want to be different, so i can help my nation be different.

last night, alone on the couch, i watched the blue dragon take my nation. i watched, with my heart on the floor, a very close race in my riding. i'm thankful to say kingston and the islands did not fall.

i've been reading a really good book by cs lewis called "the problem of pain". yesterday i read a chapter all about love and the words keep surfacing in my mind. i remind myself that i will choose to love my enemies. in the book, jack talks about what it means to love something. he said we love inspite of the unlovely things, and yet love does not cease to want the removal of the unlovely. when we love something (as i will love my country) we still long for it to become more lovable. love does not accept the status quo, it longs for us to be all that we can be - free from the unlovely.

so i will pick my heart back off the floor... when i'm ready. and i will brace myself, to raise my voice, to write letters, to make signs, to love without giving up. and i will pray... for my county and my enemies.

who says i like right angles?
these are not my laws,
these are not my rules.

millions. billions. trillions.

it's been a weird day.

between waking up to the news reporting the death of ObL and lying on a table in the dark in a doctor's office, having my throat close up from my first allergy attack of the season and thinking about "inside job" which i watched last night, it's been rather surreal morning. and it's rainy, so rainy.

i can't help but wonder how the news today may effect the election. will it re-trigger vengence in hearts and minds? will it fuel a passion for peace and understanding? to be honest i feel kind of afraid of the bloody-thirsty mentality of the mob. for all we know, ObL may just be a scapegoat, we've been told he's our enemy, so people hate in that direction. what about the terrorists on wall street? what about the corruption that controls governments and force feed self-gratifying agendas. people who grow wealthy from creating poverty.

we read a quote each easter morning as part of our gathering at sunrise that says (and i'm paraphrasing because i don't recall exactly) the biggest tragedy of our times is that the world could turn at any moment but does not. we could change the world but we do not. we could end poverty and greed, war and exploitation. but we don't.

i hope voters turn out in droves today and make a statement to our government. i hope we choose change. i hope we speak with our vote that we want to be different. that we don't endorse contempt, we don't approve of squander, we don't accept fear-mongering, we don't agree with violent-solutions. we can make a difference, not only is it possible, it's our responsibility.

when will we respond to that calling from beyond...