sangria

sometimes éamon freaks out for a couple minutes when we put him to bed, but it doesn't last long and it makes the peace that comes after it particularly pleasant.

i've been reading this book called "the VBAC handbook" that i found by searching on my ereader. it was published in 2007 compare to "the VBAC companion" which was published in 1997. it's a british book, which is good because in my opinion our healthcare system is more similar to the british national health service (socialist) than the american approach to healthcare (capitalist).

among other things (like re-reading my birth story, and talking about the experience openly), i'm already finding it helpful. helpful in the sense that i'm no longer blaming myself and i'm feeling less frustrated. in particular, there was a chapter on factors that increase the likeliness of a c-section, and of the 11 reasons listed, i had 9 – early arrival at the hospital, continuous fetal monitoring, induction, an epidural before 4 cm (i'd asked for gas but was turned down), not being able to eat, not being allowed to move around (the IV and fetal monitor stopped me from doing anything but standing still in one place, which was why i got the epidural because i was so tired and weak and i couldn't use any techniques to reduce the discomfort), time limits, not having continuity of care (because i was transferred to hospital care for the induction, i had 3 different nurses in a 20 hour period), and not having the care of midwives (my midwives were present for the pushing, but not the labour, and even then they couldn't participate only encourage and support). the only other contributing factors related to previous pregnancies so they didn't apply to me. so no wonder i ended up with a c-section.

i feel like i'm turning a corner with that. i feel relieved to learn that it wasn'tmy fault. it wasn't that i was of weak character, or that i was incompetent, or not up to it, or less than other women (which are all feelings i've struggled with). we got caught in a tornado of crappy circumstances, and it's hard to stop the spiral, especially when the possibility of a c-section isn't on your radar. it never occurred to me that i'd have a c-section, so didn't take preventative measures. if i can avoid some or all of these factors in the future, i'm better positioned for a successful VBAC next time. that said, there are always internal factors that can't be planned for, but i can strive to reduce external factors.

pink

i've been awfully hard on myself lately, but that's only because i'm trying to give an objective critique of myself. and when people critique themselves, they know their own performance much better than other people.

one area that needs work is my volume. now, i have difficulty regulating my volume at any given time, but it's that much more difficult when i'm excited or frustrated. i'm not so concerned about the excited side of things, but i'd like to express frustration without expressing volume. in my defense, sometimes i feel like i'm not heard unless i'm loud.

i have conjunctivitis. it sucks. it started last night in one eye, but has since spread to the other. thankfully, my left eye (the first one), seems to be improving, so i'm optimistic that the right eye will start getting better soon. i woke up this morning with my eyes glued together. needless to say, it's gross and sore.

flutterboard

it's starting to occur to me that i put a lot of pressure on myself. maybe not all the time, but i want things to be clear and straightforward pretty much all the time because i get stressed otherwise. i don't need to know how things are going to work out, but i struggle with uncertainty. i think this is a 'child of divorce' thing. both brendan and joy struggle with that too. but i think i'm getting tired of this need to come up with a solution. i just want to feel calm and peaceful about the future.

at the moment i'm struggling deciding if i should return to work full time and give up my half days on wednesdays. i love having those half days, but the extra money would be helpful, and i think it's helped my transition back to work, but at this point it may not be as necessary. i dunno. although, realistically, it's probably not up to me. i was only given til june before this arrangement is evaluated. so i guess if she wants me back full time i'll do it and get the extra money, and if she doesn't care i'll stick with my 36 hour schedule. i wish my heart could be as rational as my head sometimes.

dynamics

i don't know if i've mentioned this ever, or perhaps just lately, but my dad wasn't around much from ages 9 to 24. he moved out when i was 10, and our relationship was estranged and strained most of the time after that. there were several times when he came through for me in practical or present kind of ways, but we'd also go 6 months stretches of not hearing from him. i was angry and hurt not just that he chose to leave, but that he chose not to come back (even at times choosing to live out of his car rather than coming home to his house and his family who loved him). i didn't hid how i felt and would occasionally give him a piece of my mind about it, then he'd disappear for a long stretch and reappear later like everything was happy and normal. in my early 20s (maybe around 23), my parents finally divorced and with that, and the timing of me being a young independent adult, i was able to have closure on that.

one of my favourite parts of having him as part of my life (and by life i mean my daily life - he calls several times a day), is the balance he provides to my identity. my mom and sister are a lot a like. not in every way, but they like similar things and share similar values and views. it's easy to feel like the odd one out, or like there's something wrong with you when you like X over Y, and no one else can fathom why. my dad shares my taste in things and in general has a more open posture. he's curious and interested in the unknown. he has a more creative-thinking, outside-of-the-box kind of mind - he's rather unconventional. and so, many times, the things i like that my mom and sister don't get, he likes too. it's good to have him to balance that out and make me not feel like a weirdo.

that's probably the main thing i value about two-parent parenting. the balance of perspective. no doubt that's more difficult to negotiate if/when each side is speaking extremely conflicting messages. but on the whole, it still provides two perspectives. that said, i'm sure it's also difficult to negotiate when parents share bad behaviour or damaging outlooks. a little bit of diversity is good on the parenting front as well as everywhere else.

crumbs

we planted our fourth consecutive garden today. i'd have to say, it's quite lovely. i'm optimistic that it will be luscious all summer. i'm trying to get an outside spout installed, which will help make watering it easier.

it was also the most awkward planting experience. we've never had a crowd of spectators as we planted before. i felt like i needed to work faster because folks were waiting.

i like having the "mother's circle" group on facebook for asking questions. but sometimes i have to take the comments there with a grain of salt. some people take themselves too seriously.

where i'm at

i don't know if its the timing or if i've had one or more recent triggers, but i've been thinking a lot about my experience of giving birth to eamon. after sharing this past sunday in an interview about that experience, it's clear to me that the hurt and "trauma" and sorrow i feel is still super fresh. the physical scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. when he was first born, i thought a lot about it, trying to reconcile myself with how things went. telling myself that i had not failed, and asking brendan repeatedly for reassurance "you don't think it was that i was too weak or cowardly to do it, do you?" after months of attempts at positive thinking, i pretty much concluded "you'll do it next time" and tried to drop it.  

at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.

if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"

i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.

at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.

anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.

globes

nancy and gerry are away so éamon and i went to walk their dog maisie this evening while b was at work. brendan's nana has been house sitting, but at 85 walking a fairly big dog is too much for her. i had a really nice visit with her. i like learning about people's lives, and for some reason older people's lives are particularly interesting to me. maybe it's because their lives are much longer, and therefore much fuller. i dunno.

i should really go tidy the kitchen, but i'm feeling lazy. it seems i waffle in between being super productive and super lazy. i just want to wear baggy clothes, tuck myself into bed and read my book. i might also make a cup of tea and some toast. messy kitchens be damned!

i love watermelon.

it's probably my favourite snack.

the problem is that they're kind of hit and miss. and you never know if you have a good one until you crack it open.

steps

well, it was a good day for landlording around here.

brendan and i picked up a washing machine for andrew and shannon for $45 from kijiji. it mostly fit in the back of our new car, but having a backseat passenger made it more difficult to fit (otherwise, it would've fit no problem). we did try to secure it with a bungie cord, but the guy we bought it from actually tied it together, and i think i would've done a more secure job. it nearly fell out at a stoplight on a hill, and i ended up hoping to the back seat and just holding it in for the rest of the way.

next, we went to rona to buy wood to rebuild our picnic table. it has a good sturdy metal frame, but the wood was rotten (growing mushrooms and everything). so we worked on that while éamon napped. it's nice having a baby monitor so we can do things outside during his naps. i'm looking forward to having visits and drinks with friends and neighbours – particularly on the nights that brendan is working because i feel more hindered those nights. drinks and chats sounds wonderful to me.

even though, or perhaps because, i had such a lovely and rewarding weekend, i feel ready to return to work tomorrow.

unfollow

after reading an online article about myers-briggs versions of hell, brendan and i had a brief discussion of what my worst nightmare is. his is super obvious and that article was very accurate. but it was much less clear for me.

i dunno, maybe i just don't have only one...

yes, being rendered incompetent would be bad, but i think that's because it's counter-intuitive for me.
and sure, having to overhear people criticising my choices, hobbies/artform, etc, would be awful, but i think anyone would hate that. AND i'm pretty sure after a few days of that i'd be like "screw it, i don't care what you think" and then rendered indifferent.

i'm inclined to think having to do ANYTHING over and over again for eternity would suffocate me.
i don't know if that's because my greatest fear is ACTUALLY being super boring or uninteresting.

or maybe that's not a fear but just an alarm that tells me i'm falling into a rut. *shrug*

riley

my jaw dropped this morning when i opened google news and saw the top story was about b.b. king. immediately my eyes started searching for specific words, and quickly caught "passed away", and knew it had finally happened.

before dating brendan, the loss of b.b. king would've been sad because he was a well-known, well-loved musician. not by me, but i knew his name and knew he was an icon. but since dating brendan, b.b. king is significant to me because i know what he means to brendan. i remember him saying to me years ago "everyone always associates me with eric clapton (for obvious reasons), but all i've ever wanted was to sound like b.b. king". he told me that he often thought about what he would write when someday b.b. king dies to articulate how he felt about him. personally, i'm quite intrigued to read that, if he does actually write it.

i haven't had the chance to talk to b yet about this news, no doubt by now he's heard about his passing.

brendan is someone who feels deeply about the people he admires. i often try to explain to friends, family and acquaintances "brendan loves... [insert any number of people]" but always find the word "love" isn't strong enough. shannon is similar, which isn't surprising because brendan and shannon have a lot of similarities. sometimes i feel one dimensional compared to them because they care so deeply and at most i care moderately. perhaps it's the idealist in them. i'm passionate in other ways (i think). hmmm. i know i get passionate about things, but can't think about what those things are. am i just drawing a blank because i'm trying to think of something?

well... i like that everyone is different. it's probably a good thing. not probably, it IS a good thing :p

yesterday, when i was cycling at lunch time, the wind was so strong that i didn't even have to peddle and i was still moving at a decent speed.

anything

i was listening to my itunes while i folded laundry this afternoon, and continued listening while éamon and i ate dinner. a song came on that i haven't listened to with regularity in quite some time. it took me back to 2007. and as i listened and i considered several things...

i thought about how music in my late twenties defined my life much more than it does today. i still like music very much. but i find that it's more one-off songs rather than whole albums getting under my skin. i kind of miss that.

i thought about my single days – pre-brendan, pre-éamon – and concluded that it's a shame that that time in my life was somewhat spoiled my a loneliness for a partner. i had a lot of flexibility, wonderful friends (and still do), my own apartment that i loved, a clear sense of self. it's really unfortunate that i struggled with worry about my future, struggled with my sense of belonging, struggled with my sense of value.

i thought about how music and/or alone-time are my thin spaces, and how i miss that. my head space, my heart space and my living space is too full with daily stuff to really inhale the sacred in the way i have in the past.

i suppose the reality is that a little bit of turmoil goes a long way with nurturing my spiritual health. i've been thinking with renewed frustration the last few days about my experience giving birth to éamon. how things did not go as we'd hoped. i'm still working that thru – the disappointment, the frustration, the confusion, the feelings of failure. i actually thought that i would know God's presence in the birthing process, but didn't. but maybe i'm supposed to find him in my discontent and longing instead.

pedals

this evening i've had a headache. i've been holding a bag of frozen cranberries to my head for the last 45 minutes. it's surprisingly soothing.

now that we've been night weaning for a week, everyone's been sleeping better, and i feel like we're starting to turn a corner. éamon's got his own room. i get a normal night's sleep. we'll soon be potty training and he'll be graduating to a toddler bed. it's exciting. i'd kind of forgotten that things wouldn't always be this way – nursing and diapers.

brendan was interviewed on the local news on sunday, and it aired tonight. he was talking about the M centre's farmer's market. pretty funny/neat.

ugh. i'm gonna take my headache and put myself to bed.

one last thing... i'm looking forward to my hair being longer again...

thistle

i really enjoyed cycling on my lunch breaks this week. i'm actually really surprised how physically capable i am. meaning, it's not a struggle or strain, but instead i can cycle quite fast and maintain the speed. i don't even care if i lose weight (although, that would be a nice bonus), it makes me feel healthy both physically and mentally.

sometimes at the end of my ride, i'm covered in mayflies. sometimes i hear them splatting against my helmet as i go down the hill toward the lake.

arrangement

it's always being said that people sleep better without a computer or device in their bedroom. if that is true, i find the difference very minimal.

now that we've been living in our newly adopted bedroom for 2 (going on 3) nights, i have to say, i super like it. i'd forgotten how much i like having my computer in my/our room. i've often found that i don't use my bedroom otherwise. it's nice hanging out on my bed – reading, watching movies, napping, chatting on the phone (to my dad mostly, he's the main person who calls a lot).

fresh start

well... sometimes i surprise myself.

this afternoon i moved a lot of furniture and managed to set up a room for éamon and a room for us. i'm super pleased with the outcome.

and now i'm super pooped.

off to bed for me!

either/or

i don't know if it's just me, but i've concluded that parenting is a bit of a crap-shoot. and no, i'm not referring to diapers.

i'll come up with (what seems to be) good ideas or approaches to things, and it seems completely random if it works out as desired or not. and then there are the things that worked yesterday and don't work today.

recent flops:
- "let's book a late night flight, so that he'll be sleeping by the time we board and he'll just sleep the whole time"
- "let's take the underground/DLR/tram"
- "these new baby-proofing locks will keep him out of these drawer"
- "i can make you an english muffin, dada says you always eat the whole thing"
- "the baby can sleep in our room til we eventually get a bigger house"

recent win:
- "let's get him some blueberries to eat during take off on our flight home"
- "let's look up the sign language for 'please' so he can ask politely instead of yelling at us"
- "i'll just take him with me to your show and i can leave early if he gets tired or freaks out"
- (he falls asleep in the car on the way to my mom's) "let's just lay him down in her spare room"
- "i got this sink caddy so he can't reach the dirty knives"

there are two recent wins that i'm particularly pleased with. i might even say i'm thrilled.
1) i got eamon some puddle jumpers for swimming. they're still a little big for him, but he did really well. he was actually SWIMMING - kicking his little legs to get where he wanted to go. it was amazing! i was a super proud momma at the pool.
2) after reaching a breaking point with eamon's sleeping, i moved our mattress onto the living room floor while brendan was at work last night. i've concluded that i can't sleep in the same room as eamon anymore for eamon's sake. i was sure that my presence was disturbing his sleep because he just wanted to nurse and knowing i was in the room but not nursing him would make him enraged. so anyway, i super enjoyed reading in bed (not something i'm usually able to do since the light is always off in our room when eamon is sleeping). BUT most significantly, HE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT! i realize this does not guarantee a win tonight, but it's a step in the right direction. we'll eventually move the bed into the den. i just don't think we'll have time until the weekend.

surprise

we've lived without a microwave for years, but recently we'd had a change of heart and decided it would be a useful asset. so we purchased probably the smallest one available (with the added bonus that it was on sale) with a canadian tire gift certificate. it's pretty little. you could probably get a way with calling it a fun cooker.

for two days now, i've enjoyed slightly heating some cranberry-orange loaf and baking a potato in less than 10 minutes. those are the only things i've used it for so far, but i'm pleased. i wish we had room for both the fun cooker and the toaster oven, but alas, we don't.

(i thought i posted this on friday)

i think i equally enjoy being productive and relaxing. this evening, i got a whole lot of housework done AND finished a book curled up on the couched under a blanket.

today was frank's last day of work. he's retiring after 40 years with the company. that's a crazy long time. i'm going to miss him, my good friend, colleague, mentor and grown-up advise giver. but i'm glad for him. this is a huge step and i think he'll be very happy retiring. it got my remembering how much i loved my mat leave. i'm quite convinced that there's nothing better than getting paid to stay at home and just live your life.

(i thought i posted this yesterday)

on friday i took my first bike ride of the season on my lunch break. except, i forgot to pump up my tires before putting my bike in the car. needless to say, it was an extremely difficult bike ride, but enjoyable nonetheless.

HI-larious

so josh sent me a link this evening to a video i'd made in 2006 that was posted on youtube. from there i found my youtube channel that i haven't uploaded to in 8 years. but the one video (one i made to give directions on how to find the door at the maxi pad). oddly enough, it's received over 750 views. i have NO IDEA why or how. it's almost a little creepy. well... i'm not worried, i don't live there anymore and that house has been completely re-done so that door entrance doesn't even exist, so it's not a danger or threat to anyone. but still... that's a bit strange.