iconically

well... to my complete annoyance, I got an email yesterday evening stating that our solar panel application has been terminated. it went on to explain that our representative didn't submit all the required papers. which was a bit weird because I signed off the last paper on Wednesday, and the next day they sent me this email. our local rep is very nice, but obviously inexperienced and unorganized. I'm really annoyed that we weren't told a deadline or sent a warning before they "terminated" it. I called the guy right away, and he was going to try to work it out and said he'd call me back, but hasn't yet. I guess i'll have to call the head office myself.

super annoy! I was excited about this, especially because it was going to help fund our wood stove!

renewable

forgive me if i've mentioned this before, but we're getting solar panels... for free!

we looked into this many years ago, but didn't proceed because that company wanted to pay us annually over 20 years, and it would work out to $36 a year. we concluded that wasn't that good of a deal.

BUT another company came by current house with a proposal for solar panels, and they're program includes payment upfront. so we thought that was a much better plan. so we've signed all the paperwork and they should be installed later this year.

one of the most exciting parks about this is that we're going to use the money to install a wood stove in our living room. the corner windows in our house look lovely, but are not very energy efficient. thankfully this winter wasn't really even that cold because it would've either been very chilly or very expensive. our living room ended up being the least used room during the winter because it was the coldest. i like the deep warmth that a wood stove gives.

i'm going to take the opportunity to redecorate that room. i'd like to paint it (colour yet to be decided) and get more colourful curtains. i'm not supposed to paint while i'm pregnant, and it makes sense to wait til after they make a massive hole in our wall. we have plaster walls and they chip easily when installing or hammering anything into them. we'll also need to install tiles on the wood floor.

funnily enough, all of this will probably happen in september, when we have a brand new baby. not the best timing, but at least i'll be home when they do the work. AND it's not like i'm installing anything myself.

the name game

I find choosing a name for someone a huge responsibility. it's something they're going to have to live with for the rest of their lives.

I like the name that we've chosen for our son. actually, I'm really very happy with it. I love the way all the names flow together. I love the meaning and significance of each name. I love the short-form for the first name, and how it sounds with our last name. I also like that it fits nicely with eamon's full name - they complement each other, like companion pieces. and isn't that what siblings are? companion pieces?

but often when I think it or say it out loud, it doesn't naturally roll off my tongue. especially compared to the name eamon. but then I have to remind myself, that there was a time that eamon was unfamiliar, and even felt forced to say. I even remember when he was first born, that I found that I was calling him "buddy" a lot, because it was more familiar, and I had to consciously remind myself to call him by his name (I didn't want him to think his name was buddy). AND while I was pregnant, we had doubts or second thoughts. I remember one night when we were lying in bed before falling asleep, we talked about different mean nicknames kids might come up with. I also felt hesitant because eamon could sound a lot like 'amen' - which is why I've started pronouncing that as aw-men.

all this said, my doubts are part of the process. especially since this type of decision is such a long term one.

I wish I could use the name more around the house when talking to b or eamon, so I could get used to it. but I'm worried that eamon might repeat it to someone else. although, he can't really pronounce it properly right now, so probably no one would understand him anyway :p 

shirley temples

i wish the weekend was just beginning instead of ending. I had a really nice weekend, and I want more of that.

on the way to work this morning, I puked all over my lap in the car. I had to turn around, drive home and change my clothes, then wipe up the steering wheel, etc. not a pleasant start to the day.

maybe things will only get better from here.

1lb mister

since before i got pregnant, i'd concluded that i wanted a girl next. i'd given it a lot of thought, and had concluded it was the best scenario for our family. so, not surprisingly, during the first half of my pregnancy, i was pretty convinced it was a girl. my instincts were right with every one of joy's pregnancies, so i have a good track record.

yesterday, we went for our ultrasound, and found that we're having a boy :) it was kind of not surprising, because when they were measuring his legs, there did seem to be a bit of a bulge there, but the technicians didn't say anything until the very end. that said, i was surprised that my instincts were wrong, but i did wonder all along if my preferences were clouding my judgement.

i didn't feel sad that our baby is a boy. but i did feel sad that it means that we'll never have a girl, since we're only planning on have two kids (and we're very firm on that). when we got home, we made the rounds of calling our family and emailed a few friends. but later, on our way to a dinner out to celebrate, i felt really emotional – i cried in the car and puked in the parking lot. the thought of two sons is overwhelming, and i don't think i have the energy or know-how to meet them where they're at. i feel scared about how to properly navigate boy issues, and i worry that as grown men they won't confide in me the way a daughter is more likely to. 

interestingly enough, my desire to have a daughter is a relatively new thing – only really surfaced in the last year or so. i've actually written blog entries in the past about why i want to have sons some day. i know there are plenty of great things about having sons, and perhaps with a little intentionality and a little "luck" the concerns i have won't really be an issue. i suppose it's often the stuff we don't expect to be an issue in life that blindsides us.

i'm feeling much more encouraged about the thought of two sons. i'm beyond delighted for them that they'll have each other, and i hope to really help foster a loving bond between them. and truth be told, i've always been more into boy stuff (minus sports) than girl stuff (was never into princesses, pink, etc). so i'm probably better suited to raising sons. plus, i read this interesting article yesterday on babble.com called "boys will be boys until we teach them to be more", which really makes me feel empowered as a parent that i don't just have to let them be hooligans.

probably the best thing is that within 24 hours we went from not having a clue about a name, to identifying and agreeing on a full name (first and middle names). so that's exciting.

i'm really glad we found out the sex. i wouldn't want to feel grief over never having a daughter when i'm meeting my son for the first time. which is in approximately 19 weeks! i'm looking forward to it :)

waiting

I have 65 channels on this hotel tv, and there's nothing on! so annoying. I'm trying to kill time before the conference starts. 20 minutes isn't really enough to do anything, but too many to do nothing.

Sent from my iPod

independent lesley

I'm on the train heading up to Toronto for a few days. listening to my iPod and looking out the window. it's nice, but I miss my b and eamon. but I'll enjoy this sojourn of independence. it reminds me of my single days. my headspace has more breathing room. I honestly can't tell you the last time I just sat and listened to my iPod. probably my last business trip to Phoenix in 2013. funny how being alone feels like a lighter, less complicated version of myself. perhaps funny because it never felt that way before, when I was single.

I hope I enjoy these days away. it's nice to have a break from my work routine. I hope everything with this conference goes well. I'm not a confident event planner, but I think I remembered everything. I'm also meeting my new boss. not exactly sure what my hopes are for that, other than hoping it doesn't go badly.

just leaving cobourg now. just over an hour left.

Sent from my iPod

just a tuesday night

i just simultaneously barfed up all my supper and peed my pants. the barf got everywhere. the barfing was so bad that i didn't even notice that i'd peed my pants until i was trying to take off my barf covered clothes. brendan is working in napanee. so i'm having to clean up, strip the bed, and take care of eamon. i'll have to have a shower when he goes to bed to wash the barf out of my hair.

the midwives said there would be more of everything this time. so far that's true...

growing up

I'm super grateful that I was able to connect with several different friends last week. it really helps me feel more like myself, and like life is more interesting :)

I suppose life is kinetic, and we have to expect that as it changes and situations evolve that it will take time to adjust. my latest adjustment is changes in eamon. after nearly 3 months of morning sickness, he got used to having brendan do a lot of the hands-on parenting stuff. and now that I'm more able, he expresses a firm preference for daddy taking care of him. if I offer to brush his teeth or read him books, he'll say "no! daddy". for a while there I just went a long with it, but now it's starting to bother me. it's making me question myself and his value of me. and perhaps the thing that surprises and troubles me about this is that I take it personally, and feel like withdrawing from him. this is definitely a pattern of mine in life. when I feel undervalued or un-enjoyed, I will withdraw from those involved before i'm excluded further or hurt. BUT I can't withdraw from my kid, nor do I want to. so now is the time for me to learn some maturity and how to navigate relationships changes in a healthy and productive way. I didn't actually expect to experience this with my toddler, but its a relationship, so I suppose it makes sense.

I think what i'll do is join in his bedtime routine so he gets used to my involvement there again, then eventually Brendan and I can take turns.

organized

eamon and I go grocery shopping every Saturday morning. I like this routine. taking him with me always makes that chore so much more fun. this week, when we got home and as Brendan put the groceries away, I spent some time cutting up veggies, and packing small containers with veggies or peanuts. it's been really handy! when I'm hungry, it's ready to eat, and when I packed my lunch for work, I just had to grab and container and go. no spending extra time when I don't have any. I hope I can make a habit of this. it's worth doing. it's only about 15 minutes, but it will really impact how my week unfolds :)

and counting

I've been working hard and intentionally on managing my weight during this pregnancy, and so far, I'm pretty much on track with the recommended amount - gaining 6 pounds over 19 weeks. our midwife susan gave me some simple recommendations yesterday that I will give a try. she said a lot of women think they're eating healthy, but are taking in a lot of sugar via fruit, juice and white food (like rice, pasta and bread). so we're going to switch to brown bread and pasta (which I have done before, but had kind of gotten out of the habit of), but b said no to brown rice, and I think that's a fine compromise. I do prefer white rice myself.

so today I looked up a bunch of easy healthy snacks to bring to work instead of fruit, and will attempt to pre-prep snacks to be available for easy grabs. I think this will be a good practice to get into for when eamon is bigger and starts getting his own snacks (although, he already helps himself to yogurt and crackers when he's hungry).

all that said... in light of some semi-depressing news at work today, I kind of want to go out and feast on useless and regretful candy. but I know that wouldn't help anything. I learned today that after 6+ years, emma will no longer be my boss starting in may at some point. I'm finding myself in the scenario I did not want - my least preferred option - and wondering why the heck things are unfolding this way. I guess i'll just have to do my best at making the best of the situation despite disappointments.

memory making

i grew up in a 1960s bungalow, not unsimilar to our current house. actually, when imagining the house we were going to live in for the next 30 years, i often thought of my childhood home. i felt it served us well and adapted to our changing needs over the decades, and i wanted a house that could do that.

the one problem point about the collins bay bungalow seemed to be the bathroom. i didn't have any problems with it. it suited my needs just fine, but i have distinct memories of my mom saying "this bathroom is too small for 3 people and a dog!" and on weekday mornings, i can hear her saying just that when, all three of us crowd in our bathroom (that has roughly 6 sq feet of floor space - including the spot for the kitty litter takes up). i am late just about EVERY morning, so I'm getting ready while Brendan's getting in the shower. and eamon refuses to stand outside the open door - he feels he MUST be inside the room with us. it is cramped. but this is one of those temporary things that will be resolved if we wait long enough. eventually eamon won't want to be near his half-naked parents, and perhaps someday i'll learn to be on time.

progress report

you might recall that I decided, a few months ago, that it was time for an overhaul of my eating habits. 3+ months into my new approach, I'd have to say that I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm not really denying myself stuff, but recognizing that 'treats' are only 'treats' when they are infrequent and not enjoyed every day. I'm actually quite pleased. I can tell I'm making progress because my first instinct is not a junkfood snack, where in the past it often was. I think the reality is that junkfood is more convenient, and is often ready to eat, while more healthy foods can take time to prepare. so poor eating it's kind of the result of laziness more than anything else.

unfortunately, as my baby belly swells, it's difficult to see a real difference as a result of my lifestyle adjustments. sometimes I even forget that I'm pregnant, and just feel like I have a big, growing belly. BUT my chiropractor has twice gone on and on about how healthy I look, and has told me I shouldn't worry about my weight. so I must be doing something right.

monkeys on the bed

ben and meg gave us audrey's old crib/toddler bed last night. they got her a twin sized bed with lots of storage underneath. we've been needing a toddler bed for eamon. we got it set up in his room last night, and even had some new toddler bedding that we bought several months ago (but didn't get around to actually putting on his crib). the plan is to get him used to the new bed (sitting on it, playing on it, maybe even napping in it) before he moves into it officially. however, we did give him the choice last night of which bed he wanted to sleep in, and he chose his crib.

I'd like to get him settled in the toddler bed long before the baby is born so that he doesn't associate the crib at his anymore. we've told him that the crib will be for the baby, and while he seems to understand that, he made a bit of a confused face because he obviously thought they were both going to be sleeping in it :p

it feels a little early to be setting up that room for baby number 2, but it's more about acclimatizing eamon - who took about 4 months to finally adjust to sleeping in his new room after the move.

blasé

i think my iron levels are really low. I've been really weak lately and have shortness of breath. it only really occurred to me that I should be mindful to eat iron rich foods to address it. so I had a double yolked hard boild egg this morning. my dad gets these double yolked eggs and thinks they're the best. he was given extra this month, so he gave some to us. I have to admit, I don't really see what's so special about them. they complicate baking, etc. but I suppose the two yolks will be good for me today. i'm also rather puzzled about how they get produced.

in addition to feeling weak and tired, i'm feeling a bit emotionally low. i'm feeling lonely and a bit disconnected from friends. I know this happens every once and a while, and I shouldn't be alarmed, but I hope to have a meaningful connection soon.

i was pretty disappointed to wake up to see a layer of snow on the ground this morning. when eamon got up later he said "it snowed? stop it snow!". my feelings exactly. we got our snow tires off last week, and there was a noticeable difference driving on the snowy roads this morning. even the light layer of snow made the roads slick.