shifter

I just called the appliance repaired service who fixed our washing machine, and the man I spoke to really downplayed the situation. he said stuff like "oh shucks, you get one thing fixed and the darn thing needs another repair". I tried to be assertive and say "we didn't have this problem before your guy fixed it. and we would like to be reimbursed for the money we spent on the rental equipment to dry out our basement".

I presume that he was just trying to deflect the blame, but it felt condensing. he could've easily have called me "little lady" and it would have matched his tone. I wasn't mad before I called, but I am now. Brendan was going to call and deal with them, but he's in an all day training seminar about trauma, so isn't available to do it.

I ended up setting up an appointment for the same repair guy to come over on Wednesday. so I suppose we'll have to take it up with him. I like that repair guy, he's done work for us before and he's very nice. I really don't want to get into conflict with him. I really hope they eat the cost for the sake of our return business.

suck

our weekend (for the most part) did not go as expected. our washing machine (that was "repaired" last Wednesday), overflowed in our basement. there was a thin layer of water everywhere. it was very stressful. thankfully, after lots of work and rental equipment, it has dried out.

it was really annoying because I'd planned to use my Saturday dealing with seasonal clothes and bedding, but did not get to it until sunday evening. thankfully, THAT actually didn't take that long to get everything sorted out, so I feel like we've regained some order in what was becoming an increasingly messy bedroom. which is always good for my mental state.

I remember a friend saying that preparing dinner for her family is a somewhat daunting task, and that when she's been traveling for work, she enjoys grabbing dinner when she feels like it. I'd say for me, it's eamon's bedtime. I feel like there is something about this mid-evening event that cuts my time up. there is a real shift after bedtime. I kind of wish that wasn't a thing, and I'm conscious of the fact that this clear point in my evening won't begin to erase for another 10 years.

despite floods and heat and bedtime routines, preschoolers who ignore reasonable instruction and dinner table disagreements with b... my weekend ended perfectly. sitting reading on a lightly made bed, with the windows open and the fan oscillating.

measuring sticks and short comings

have you ever known someone who clearly thought they knew best (perhaps you know this because they say that or are always talking about how everyone else is doing life wrong)? and for some reason life just pans out the way they believed it would, which just seems to affirm their belief that they've got it all figured out.

I feel troubled because I am not one who thinks I have life all figured out, I listen to other people's experiences, I have my own worldview and values, and I do my best to navigate the situations I find myself in with the knowledge and understanding that I have at the time. and yet, that doesn't seem to be enough. things still don't seem to pan out for me the way it does for people with certainty.

do my doubts or "maybe it will, maybe it won't" beliefs cause things to go awry? maybe if I was certain things would go well for me?

how much does one's perspective effect the outcome?

I have had several experiences in life where I believed with certainty, and then was crushed afterwards when things didn't work out. which is why I often approach life with trepidation. I hope for the best, but are prepared for the worst.

but maybe I'm too specific in my hopes. maybe these people who's lives workout just as they wanted don't have specifics, so however things unfold they're happy.

I want to believe that I will have a successful VBAC come the end of my pregnancy, but I'm afraid to believe with certainty because I thought I'd have an uncomplicated birth last time, and ended up with the opposite. certainty has harmed me, not only then, but with other big life events. 

I believed my parents would get back together

I believed that my boyfriend would come back

I believed I'd get that job

I believed that man would recover and not die

I believed...

maybe when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find the right about of faith to produce the desired result. or maybe I just want to see some vulnerability in the lives of these people who boast success. to feel like we're all just trying our best and sometimes things work out despite ourselves, not because we're worthy.

v day

I don't know if it's because we moved in during the summer, or if it's just because I love summer, but our house is definitely a summer house (or at least until we get our wood stove, maybe then it will be a lovely winter house). in the summer it feels more like a cottage than a year-round residence.

besides the obvious weather issues of winter, I find that our house feels stuffy and I'm breathing in gross stinky air. I also miss being able to sit outside, having the windows open, and hanging the laundry on the line. I feel like the air moves around our house so much better with the windows open (probably because it does!).

I love summer so much. I love the way the curtains sway from the breeze, and the sounds and smells of the outdoors.

we spent a lot of time outside this weekend. our big maple tree out front dropped it's helicopter seeds in our garden, and we spent several hours pulling out all the baby trees. it was a bit of a pain, and we're probably only half done. weeding is my least favourite part of gardening, because it's less of a creative process and more like an menial task. but it does really make a difference. at least we were under our big red maple.

not many neighbours were out gardening this weekend. we find the neighbours on our street to be very mysterious. we're not sure what they do all the day. in general, I'm a funny mix of friendly and reclusive. but when it comes to neighbours, I prefer to be friendly when I see them, so it would be nice to see them more often.

fire, fire!

last night Brendan and I had our first backyard campfire. although, since it was in our backyard and not at a campsite, "campfire" is probably not the right word.

at first, we planned to have our fire while eamon was still up, but then changed our minds because it would be a nice activity to do without him. like a mini "date".

it did not take long to get the fire going. for several years, I've been saving our dryer lint because I heard it makes good kindling, and sure enough it did. we've also been saving dead and dry yard waste, so we had lots to burn. it was fun. I didn't find the campfire smell particularly strong at the time, but I can smell it in my hair today :)

I'm looking forward to having campfires regularly, and for having friends over to sit around the fire with.

finding the right balance

I'm kind of confused about weight control during pregnancy. they say that women of my BMI should only gain between 15 to 25 lbs (some sources say only 11lbs). but i don't understand how I'm supposed to do that since i have all the same extra cargo as skinny mama's (baby, placenta, extra blood). especially since they say not to diet. I've tried to change my eating (mostly snacking) habits, and i think they're really starting to take (i don't have to be as mindful about it, and it's less of an effort than it once was). so far i think i'm doing well. at 6 months, I've only gained 8 pounds - I'm pretty sure at this stage with eamon I was pushing 25 pounds.

i wish it was more clear how I'm supposed to minimize my weight gain. i THINK I'm probably losing excess fat as the result of getting more exercise and better eating habits, but i have no way of knowing for sure. i think my face is looking slimmer, and shannon thinks so too. but how does that impact my BMI, i have no idea.

several people have told me not to worry because they gained 40, 50 or 65lbs with their pregnancies, but my BMI is my main risk factor for a repeat cesarean. and considering that's something i should be able to influence, i really want to be proactive about it.

shifting perspective

I've been reflecting lately on what it means to a person to feel heard. and in addition to that, to be understood. there have been many situations in my life where I have felt unheard, or what I was expressing (whether by words, actions or choices) was not taken seriously.

eamon's at an age where he's starting to get bossy. so I read a few articles about this, and it seems that he's trying to exert his independence. as a result, I've been trying to empower his independence when appropriate. I've been trying to be creative in giving him choices and asking for his help instead of doing for him or doing without his involvement.

it's made me think back on my life, and consider things differently. when I was a teenager, my family used to laugh at me and say that they had to use reverse phycology on me if they wanted me to do something. I'm thinking now that I wasn't cooperative with straightforward requests or instructions because I felt so frustrated and disregarded. I wasn't made to feel heard - for whatever reason, whether I was just sensitive or they actively ignored me.

I had a bossy, dominating older sister, then went on to have several bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) best friends, and a bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) boyfriend. as a result, I am very on guard to people bossing me around inappropriately. which has made me very attuned to eamon's bossiness, and I don't want him to boss around his brother like a little dictator. if not for his brother's sake, but for the sake of his future relationships (friendships and otherwise).

I was thinking a lot about that bossy and dominating boyfriend during the first jian trial, and the surrounding conversation about consent. I wonder if he heard those discussions and thought of me. for a while in our twenties we spent time as plutonic friends. now in our thirties, he has shrunk back and won't even look me in the face when we cross paths (which is somewhat frequently). I commented about it to b once, who simply asked "do you think that he's ashamed of how he treated you?" and I suspect that's probably true. especially since he now has a daughter of his own, and would probably never want her treated the way he treated me.

all this, because of a toddler who insists "no, my do it!". I suppose we are shaped by our experiences. at this point, I want to be shaped, and shape my sons, by exercising/demonstrating understanding.

BOOKS!

OH MY GOODNESS!

i want to be addicted to a good book right now. ideally a book series. I really want something I'm going to sink my teeth into for a long time.

unfortunately, it seems I've read all the good books. right now I'm read the brothers karamazov, and while it's ok, it's not a really much of a page turner. I think it's one of those books that I will work my way through slowly and be glad that I've read it, but right now I want a gripping, compelling, want-to-read-it-any-chance-I-get kind of book.

one of my favourite things is a summer evening and a good book. I've discovered that our front porch has similar qualities to our york street balcony, and I want to take full advantage of that. especially since I feel I've been watching too much tv lately.

the problem is that often some of the best books don't sound that compelling from a brief description (i.e. "a group of teenagers are forced into an arena to kill each other for sport until one is the victor"), so it's difficult to get past a sad overview (i.e. the current best selling book about a kid dying from cancer. geez, let me get my hands on that one quick :S ).

it doesn't have to be exciting. it can be a slow burn. I read a book years ago called "the wrong madonna" that my housemate lent me. it was a bit of a dark horse, and it was slow moving, but it was compelling to me.

I have lots of distractions and limited energy, so I don't have the same tenacity that I used to have with books. man, my twenties was fraught with worries and feelings of displacement, but did I ever have lots of time for discovery - books, past-times, self-improvement, regular flicks at the screening room, new friends, writing. I'm not going to say that I miss that, but I wish I'd really appreciated it more at the time.

anyway... perhaps i'll find something refreshing at the library tonight. I might even ask the librarian for a recommendation.

short-comings

i think i've concluded that i don't like hummus, which is too bad. partly because i have some that needs eating up. i've grown very sensitive to wasting food, particularly because it's a waste of money. despite this, I continue to throw out spoiled leftovers and rotten fruit/veggies, although I do it with a grimace. hopefully we'll get better at eating everything we buy. at 36, I still feel like there's still a lot of maturing to do.

I've noticed lately that I often nap when eamon naps. I didn't do that so much before. maybe it's because I'm pregnant, or because even on my days off I still have to wake up early. I wonder sometimes if it's just replacing a sleep-in (I get to sleep later instead of earlier). or if that enough time has past since becoming a mama that I don't really know what to do with my spare time anymore. I also feel like I watch more tv than I wish I did. I think this is partly because it's something b and i do together, and otherwise, we'd just spend our evenings doing separate things.

i think it's a good time for me to try to pick up prenatal yoga. i wrote it down on a list to do yesterday, but just felt tired after eamon was in bed. i feel like that's a beneficial thing to do other than sleep or couch.

sunny

I hung my first load of laundry of the year on the line yesterday :) i let it hang on the line overnight. i can't wait to take it all down. there's something very relaxing about methodically pulling on the line and unpinning everything. plus, folding laundry is one of my least favourite tasks, so i like that i get to just do it while i take everything down. it saves time later and drags out the laundry line experience :) I'm so pleased that it's outside laundry weather again. we need to wash and hang out duvet insert on the line because we just can't get it clean looking. it's ok since we usually have it covered, but it would still be nice to have it properly bleached by the sun.

after two days of exhaustion and my toddler doing everything the hard way, i think we've turned a corner. we all got a good night's sleep last night, so we were much more cheerful when we got up this morning. it's amazing the difference it makes to be well rested.

to market, to market

on mother's day, we went to the market for lunch. it was a beautiful day (albeit windy), and there was lots of activity there. it was nice.

I did have one awkward moment when brendan, eamon and I sat eating our lunch at a picnic table and there were two women sharing the other half. they were having a lengthy conversation about some friends of ours. that's the second time recently that I overheard people talking about friends of mine. the first time was slightly more awkward because I realized after the fact that the girl thought my (married) friend had been hitting on her. she told the story of their interaction, and knowing my friend, I didn't think anything of it (I know that he's friendly and inquisitive). it wasn't until later that I understood how she'd interpreted it. I wished that I'd realized at the time so I could've spoken up and set her straight. this second time wasn't quite like that because it was a much more positive conversation, but they did ask each other questions about our friends that we knew the answers to, while they didn't. it was tempting to speak up, but it didn't seem important enough, and it felt like an invasion. it was a good reminder though, to be mindful what I say in public around strangers :p

when we got home from the market, I reflected on the fact that I'd had a good time, but felt that I'm not good at market-going. to be good at it, you have to be prepared to check out each booth closely, speak with the merchants and be prepared to impulse buy. I'm not really prepared to do any of those things, so I keep my distance. (I don't like giving false hope that I'm going to buy something, so I don't want to look closely at the booths). but I think we'll try to keep going. especially over the summer months. it's on our way home from church on sundays, so we might as well :)

another twist

I just listened to a podcast about vbacs. well, it was supposed to be about vbacs, but the women talked a lot about birth and pregnancy in general. I am genuinely interested in both those subjects, but it started to bother me when they started expressing opinions about how I should FEEL.

opinions on diet? sure!

opinions on whether certain medical devices are necessary? ok!

opinions on posture and positioning? that's reasonable.

but when they speak with authority about how I should and shouldn't feel during my pregnancy, about my baby, about my future with my baby, I feel uncomfortable and unfairly reprimanded. as I was told once by a counselor that I respect, "feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, they just are". I've also read before that pregnancy is the process of working through fears. those fears will effect anyone's feelings.

I'm a real words of affirmation person. I like to have my feelings validated. which is probably why I feel so annoyed about someone expressing deep disapproval for my feelings.

BUT thankfully (or at least I feel thankful about this), I am someone who considers things thoroughly, so i stand by my choices, validate my own feelings, and won't allow myself to feel guilty. I just think the world is diverse, and not an idealistic place, and it's important to leave room for different expression and different hopes, because we're not all going to be the same.

so empower me to face unknown circumstances.

encourage me that I am strong and capable despite my doubts.

support me with experience and insight.

but don't tell me that what i feel is wrong. perhaps unfortunate, but not insurmountable.

feet and heart

yesterday I had my first occurrence of sore and swollen pregnancy feet. I had it pretty bad with eamon, but it only really started around 36 weeks, and it was summer. I'm 23 weeks, and it's only may, so it feels early for that. but my midwife told me i'll have more of everything this time. that said, things are moving along quite quickly. next month i'll start my third trimester. maybe things will slow down again then, and i'll feel like everything uncomfortable is lasting a long time.

I've discovered recently that I've had some real heart-healing about my c-section with eamon. maybe its the hope that this time will go differently (in a good way). or maybe it's just that it feels like that experience is behind me and I've moved on to another chapter. regardless, it's nice to be able to think of his birth and not feel emotional about it.

in a way, his birth is pretty representative of life. not really what I had in mind, but still resulting in a love that fruitful and enriching.

probably one of the main differences about this pregnancy and my first, was that with eamon I was growing my first baby, but I was also growing into a mama. it was the birth of something new in me, in addition to the birth of a baby. this time, I'm already a mama, so the growth and preparation within me is different.

last night at our house

Brendan teases me because I am notorious for stubbing my toes. I stub toes several times a week. he also thinks I'm a bad sitter, because I tend to sit on thing that on resting on the couch, like papers or our cat (to be fair, I expect the cat to move when she sees my butt coming down on her).

last night, when I was up to use the bathroom at 2 am, I smashed my pinky toe into an ottoman on my way back to bed. it was extremely painful, and I writhed around in bed trying to deal with the pain. it continued to hurt all night, and come morning it's still very sensitive. from the feel of it, I expected it to be black and blue, or at least red and swollen, but it pretty much looks like a regular toe, only very sore. I'm limping a little. I think my toenail might have been bent back, which is why it hurts so badly :S

in other news from overnight, eamon slept last night in his new toddler bed. we're making progress! hopefully this transition will only take a few days or a few weeks at the most (fingers crossed!).

time is ticking away

I'm feeling a little headachey today. it's probably because of my inflamed pregnancy sinuses :S

I am so pleased that it's now May. not only is may my second favourite month (my most favourite is july), but it means that I only have 3.5 months left at work:

there are 3 weeks til the may long weekend;

then 5 weeks until our week of vacation (we've rented a cottage in prince edward county);

followed by 2 weeks before eamon's birthday (taking a long weekend);

then another 2 weeks before the august long weekend;

then 2.5 weeks until my last week of work :D

time is flying by, and I can't wait! yesterday someone was teasing me saying "then the real work will start", but I will enjoy my workplace and co-workers significantly more :) b says I'm like a little kid counting down to their birthday. but I'm pretty sure I'm more excited than any kid :p

during waiting periods like this, it's difficult to not wish your life away. to not spend so much time longing for something else that we don't live in the present. except, I don't feel like I'm living in my current work situation. I'm simply enduring each day. I'm looking forward to getting back to living.