those early days

i'm in the middle of a noteworthy time in my life. it's a really special time that i will remember distinctly. but that doesn't mean it's easy. it's mostly the juggling two kids in very different stages that is the challenge. both on their own are easy peasy. but eamon is used to daycare; to structure, planned activities, other kids to play with and adults with all their time dedicated to the collective care of him and his comrades. i'm not able to keep him occupied enough at home and he gets capital B Bored. when he's bored, he gets into mischief, things spiral, and i'm end up at a loss. to cut myself some slack, and to provide him with more simulation, he's going to be going to daycare 3 days a week instead of just 2. i've struggled with this, because for 2 years, i wanted to be at home with eamon instead of at work. so i feel disheartened and like a failure that i can't manage him full time. but brendan reminds me that i have a newborn and should, therefore, be gracious with myself.

otis is doing well. he's an easy baby. he doesn't need to nurse to sleep. being held is more important to him than nursing. and when he's had enough cuddling, he's quite content to just lie in bed awake for an hour before falling asleep. i'm looking forward to having more time with just him. he's really very sweet, and i'm trying to fully enjoy this fleeting stage, even though i'm keenly anticipating him sitting in his bumbo and using the jolly jumper.

i am, for the most part, doing well. there have been times when i've been concerned about my mental health. not from unhappiness or isolation or the absence of adult company, but rather because of how impacted i am from the anger and frustration i can feel when stretched too thin between the competing needs of my sons. i'm struggling a little because of my natural desire to do and accomplish stuff, and i'm finding that being a momma interferes with me doing other stuff. i don't really identify being a mom as a big part of my identity. as far as being a mom goes, it's more the care-giver aspect than the label or role. i want to do more things with my day or with my home that focus exclusively on my child-rearing.

i've enjoyed going out with brendan a few times lately, and we're going out again this saturday for a christmas party at a former colleague's house. these outings are so refreshing, but i'm somewhat reminded that we won't have the freedom or independence from our kids for that to be a normal part of our lives for quite a while. what strikes me is that when my kids are teenagers, and i can come and go more freely, i will be much older. in some respects, life feels like it has hit pause until my sons are older, but the reality is, everything has kept going, and i'm aging. my life before, during and after this stage of life are all distinctly different. i suppose the best thing to do is to embrace this stage for all that it is. which includes...

- long mornings in pjs

- lots of cups of (decaf) tea

- learning to make a good fire in the wood stove

- nursing

- king of the hill

- bassinets, mid-night feedings and mid-night tantrums

- prune concoctions and physio therapy exercises

- cbc radio

- robie shoes and combing velcro

- handcrafts whenever there's a spare minute

- losing hats and mitts

- feeling deep deep love

too much of a good thing

i don't really know how people homeschool. i'm pretty sure that being home with my 3 year old 5 days a week is slowly ruining our relationship. 

differences

i've started taking my small fellas to a playgroup in my neighbourhood. initially, i wanted to go in part to fill time, but mostly to connect with other moms in the neighbourhood. it turns out that none of them actually live in kingscourt, but that's ok. i'm finding that there's another good reason to go to this group... to be in conversation with people who have a different perspective and worldview than i do. sometimes i find the opinions expressed kind of troubling, and being someone who is uncomfortable and inarticulate expressing conflicting opinions, i just listen and try to inwardly feel empathy with where there coming from. while i don't share the beliefs or perspectives, i can imagine why or how the came to feel that way. i find it stretching, and therefore strengthening, to be around people who are not like-minded. i'm a little curious about what i might learn over time. maybe i'll learn to express myself instead of being dumbfounded. brendan is so good at calling people out in a kind way when they say something without thinking. i wish i was more like him.

order

since returning home, it's been a bit of a struggle to get back into a normal routine. since otis was born, i have as of yet to get into a weekly rhythm with my babies. the house has been chaotic, éamon is typical three year old, and otis is a typical newborn. i'm also trying to spend time with friends, and meet moms in my neighbourhood. as a result, i'm finding it hard to find time to write emails and/or blog entries. and now on top of all that, daylight savings time has ended, which will probably throw us further out of routine for another week. i hope i don't sound like i'm complaining, because i'm just trying to decompress. thankfully, i am keeping my head above water, i'm just less communicative.

the day that eamon started to get sick, it was rainy and we'd taken the bus to the library. he was cranky (because he was getting sick and i didn't know it yet) and i felt flustered and heartbroken (having just learned about brook that morning). after the storytime was over, we went to the children's book section to sit and have a breather before brendan picked us up on his lunch break. i sat there damp, sad and exhausted, when another young mom came along and said "do you need any help?". i politely smiled and said "oh, no, i'm ok. thank you". i appreciated her offer, but it makes me cringe thinking that i seemed pitiful. i actually did still had enough in me to manage.

being capable is probably my holy ideal. it's my one trait that i hold up and value higher than all others. i am not too proud to ask for help when i need it, but i believe in doing my best and giving it my all before soliciting help from others. that's really a good way to read me – if i'm asking for help, it's because i REALLY need it. this feels like a time in life when emotions are somewhat raw and close to the surface. it's easy to become worn out by these tiny people. and yet, my desire to be capable is no less than usual. so, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i'll be able to get it together.

retropharyngeal phlegmon

so here i am, on the other side of the experience of my kid being hospitalized for a serious (potentially life-threatening) illness, and i think both brendan and i learned a lot about life and parenting. it'll be two weeks tomorrow since i took him to the hospital, and one week tomorrow since he was discharged.

probably one of the main things that left an impression on me, was when he was at his worst (pre-diagnosis), i remember looking at him and seeing that he was not himself. i was wishing and praying that he'd return to normal, but there was nothing i could personally do to make him well. it feels like a cliche to say, but i really felt helpless and desperate. thankfully, he got the help he needed in time, but it gave me a taste of what parents in different parts of the world and in different times throughout history have experienced. and it's pretty GD awful.

i've had several conversations with friends lately about how fragile and vulnerable we are as humans, and how that's something we're not always aware of. in a way, it's nicer being naive of just how fragile and vulnerable we are, at least we worry less.