i've broken a bone in my foot. and while that's a whole other story (or rather, blog entry), i've been thinking a lot about what i'm able to cope with and do while i'm recovering.

the thing i have always struggled with is the difference between whether i can or whether i should. most of the time, i opt to go with what i can do, believing that the can = the should. however, i have had a recent experience where pretty much everyone in my life was telling me that i shouldn't do something, but i couldn't come up with a concrete reason not to (other than my instincts and everyone else's hesitations), so i went ahead. it went badly, and in hindsight i should not have agreed to it. but, as they say 'hindsight is 20/20".

so here i am, with my foot and leg in a plaster cast, hobbling around in crutches, trying to get a clear idea of what the next 6 weeks will be like. several pragmatic people in my life seem to feel that they'll soon switch me to a walking cast, and it'll be smooth sailing. but the doctor was super clear that he wanted to put me in a walking cast, but because of the nature of the break, he had to put me in a plaster cast and on crutches. others have encouraged me that i'll soon get the hang of the crutches, but i'm more doubtful. i had crutches for a time when i was 17 when i dislocated my knee – my body is 21 years older now. i don't expect these crutches to get that much easier (read: i won't ever become speedy or agile).

3 days done. 8 to go before my appointment at the bone clinic. 2 fingers crossed that our little friends will find a good after school solution.

sue told me today that they've noticed how sad i've been over the last month, since an altercation in my workplace. it's not just that one event, because since then i have been repeatedly bullied, with an open threat of more bullying. sue suggested i spend some time reflecting so i can work through my hurt and fears. 

i've felt my hurt right under the surface for the last month, and have tried to be normal while having what feels like a heavy rock sitting on my heart all this time. no amount of logic or loving affirmation from friends or b has helped alieve the hurt of being an adult bullied by someone i tried to befriend. i've been reluctant to openly blog about it, because of the fear of vulnerability if my bully finds this site and discovers that she was successful in hurting me. 

i was on the verge of tears while at the busstop today, but held it in because i needed to go pick up the kids at school. the timing wasn't right. so this evening, after watching our current netflix show, i said to b "what would you do?" and by do, i don't mean external action, but i wondered what i should do internally to take care of myself, to find freedom from this, to not feel my hurt still so acutely, to not have to hold in tears at the busstop. and as i talked with him, expressing my hurt and confusion, i cried and cried. one might even say that i wept. 

and i think i was able to cut to the deepest heart of the matter. what's always at the centre of me, and every aspect of my life. where was my love? and why did he seem so absent? why does he always disappear when i'm most hurting? i've been wanting to feel and be externally vindicated by him. i've wanted to be exonerated, but instead i've just felt uncared for. 

i think when this is all said and done, i'm going to be more callused. and when i say that, i don't mean to say that i will become unfeeling. but instead, like fingers made tough by playing guitar, that allows the musician to play better, longer, and more effectively. or like callused feet, that allow a person to walk in stones or over a rocky surface without being harmed. my hope is that i will be able to interact with prickly, angry, "dangerous" or harmful people without feeling the effects of their words and/or behaviour in a personal way. i have known people who can respond to such people with grace, maturity and dignity. and i guess i could consider myself lucky to gain something from this. 

relationally, i don't know where or how things can go from here. but i suppose, i don't need to know or have that figured out yet. the more important questions are what is it that i want, who do i want to be, and how do i do that? 

i remember hearing phylis tickle speak at an event once, and she talked about how God often uses her husband as a conduit for his love. that she can and does know God's love through the embrace or care from her husband. tonight, i sat on the couch crying/weeping, and brendan slid over beside me to put his arm around me as i belly cried. i don't know if it was in that moment that my love showed up, or if it was simply revealed to me for the first time during this "ordeal". (it's not really an ordeal. it's just a thing that happened. and as time passes it will be come a smaller and smaller thing) anyway, i'm grateful for that human love that gives me a glimpse into the big, big heart of that bigger love. 

i was in the park with otis today. he can go down slides endlessly. my interest in waiting is less than his in slides. while we were there, there were a few other moms with small children. one had a baby who could crawl and a boy around 3. she literally had her hands full. i remember that stage with my kids, and remember it as one of my more difficult stages of life. i don't miss that at all. i love this stage. where my kids have a budding relationship. where i'm freed up to be more present with them and others.

the weather was tremendous, and this afternoon, me and the after school gang played with some neighbourhood kids across the street. i don't know what i'd do without spring. it's the most hopeful season.

i remember sharing a few years ago at next about my dark night of the soul. and feeling as though i was in a spiritual winter. i feel like spring these days. new, fresh, almost an infant in some ways; but growing stronger every day.

in the last week or so, it's felt like we've been hit with a barrage of other people's problems. other people's problems are directly impacting us, and i don't really like it. maybe it's just that it's all happening at once or maybe it's just a result of living interconnected lives. regardless, i'd really like some personal space. it's partly the introvert in me, but also a boundaries thing.

all this to say, we've decided against renting out our basement on airbnb this summer. it would be just one thing that links our lives with other people's.
 

it's been at least since the beginning of december, maybe longer, that i've been without a good book. and i'd finally had enough of mediocre books and decided i had to buy something that made me want to read it. the interesting thing is that it's not always necessarily about the content or the story. it has to be the writing and the ease of reading. so i ended up getting this sad book that is a really easy read. it makes me feel torn because i feel so conflicted. i'm not eager to endure the sad parts, but i am keen to keep reading. having a good book is probably the highlight of my day.

the lowlight of my day is that i'm feeling brokenhearted about something and i can't shake it off. i think about it a lot, more than i want to, from all sorts of different angles. every once and a while i get a wave of feeling like i suddenly don't care anymore, but then it comes back. i'm hopeful that this is just it working its way out of my emotional system, and i just need to patiently wait this out.