cooperation

finally!! the rain is gone and it's summer-like outside!!

yesterday i sat out on the balcony on our thai cushions listening to jane eyre and knitting. i finished jane eyre. i loved it. i have to admit, i was quite surprised actually, and the last line in the book just killed me. this evening b, nancy and i are going to see the film at the screening room and i can't wait! i'm really looking forward to it. i actually think it will be better than the book because the book is quite long and a little slow moving. when i rewatched the trailer (for the 5th time) last night i was blown over.

this weekend shannon and i went to a social justice conference at the sally ann. it included 3 workshops and 2 speakers. we found the first speaker offensive and aggressive in his presentation (he was from the RCMP). a lot of his terminology was hateful and kind of condescending to those directly impacted by human trafficking. however, the women speakers were great, inspiring, hope-giving, faith-based. really great. as i debriefed with brendan later i felt almost overwhelmed and unsure of what to do with my new information. and he reminded me of the mother teresa quote that i used in my sermon last week "we can do no great things, only small things with great love". so i'm putting on my thinking cap and finding ways to demonstrate great love. i think it may start (as usual) in my own neighbourhood. how can i be warm, loving, and inviting with strangers when i'm a bit stand-offish with the people on my own street! it's hard because i'm shy AND introverted. i LOVE time alone, i love to retreat into my own world. but yesterday as i sat on my balcony, many neighbours and community members passed by and some stopped to speak with me. i chose to set aside what i was doing to make room for them in my day. i'm starting small, even though it's challenging for me.

a number of years ago i had several friends who were reading or had read "the irresistible revolution" and it made a big and positive impact on their lives. i didn't want to read it. i didn't want to be told by someone else what i could and couldn't resist.

when i started dating beardy certain topics (related and unrelated to that book) would come up and cause arguments. brendan felt if i read the book i'd have a better understanding of where he's coming from. i knew if i read it before i wanted to that i would not be open to new perspectives and get my back up constantly. but recently, with many issues surfacing (ObL's assassination, the foul election, the census, my sermon, the conference i went to this past weekend) i finally felt interested in reading the elusive irresistible revolution. so far i'm enjoying it, and i like discussing it with brendan. there are a few things i don't necessarily agree with the writer on (i feel there is an absence of grace theology, and a lack of explanation that the writer is driven by love and not to earn brownie points - even though i believe love and devotion are his motives) but i like disagreeing with him. i feel that by identifying differences between our views i have confidence that i'm reading the book objectively, and as a result appreciate our points of commonality even more so. i'm neither defensive (often an indicator of conviction) nor forsaking everything (spontaneously rejecting my current situation). he's sharing his story, and reading it makes me think about my own story and how it could or might unfold. which is good and i like that.

this entry is longer than i thought it would be. funny. i guess writing less frequently lends itself to writing more.

 

shakes me,
makes me lighter.

different

i had a dream last night that i went back to highschool as an adult. it was a weird highschool, it had no walls or windows like brendan's school :p in addition to that i was extra confused because it wasn't straightforward the way it used to be and i was constantly out of rotation. i was quite relieved when i woke up.

i've heard it said that "when all is said and done, more was said than was done". ouch. but so true. sometimes the doing part involves saying, but the key is saying to the right person or people. i don't want to become transfixed with talking a lot about a problem, listening a lot about a problem, but then never actively doing anything about the problem.

this evening, in order to be active, brendan and i have a date to write letters to the powers-that-be about stats canada and their association with lockheed martin. for me this is a multi-fold issue, and they are issues that need to be addressed and expressed. i feel in order to be effective i need to be thoughtful and clear. i don't want my words and beliefs misconstrued so that my voice is ignored. i care about all walks of life - which includes the military. while i'm opposed to war, i feel that having a military is important in times of crisis such as the flooding in manitoba and the fires in saskatchewan. i would like the emphasis of our trained soldiers and their leaders to be provide aid and promote non-violent peace-keeping. it can be done, and i want to encourage our the canadian forces to move in that direction. just like how we can't fight fire with fire - we can't fight terror with terror. it's dehumanizing. it dehumanizes us all.

i've come to a conclusion recently that on a base level everyone pretty much wants the same thing. we all just want to sit in peace and eat a sandwich. the only way for us all to win is to play fair. to strive for peace and meeting needs... that's the road to life. we can't pursue violence and oppression then be surprised when it leads to destruction. the pen is mightier than the sword!! so pick up your pen and write a letter!

it's rained every day for at least 2 weeks. i really need to do my laundry, but there hasn't been a nice enough day to hang my clothes out to dry. i'm down to my last pair of sox. odd that the weather effects my sox supply. it seemed to start raining immediately after bren left the country. she should have arrived home last night, and i'm kind of surprised that the rain hasn't disappeared. i hoped she'd bring the sun with her.

 

put down your gun.
ignore the alarm.
open up your heart.
let down your guard.

tab

so i says to b last eve... "i bumped into a guy i used to work with at startek at the grocery store"
he says with surprise "oh, that's unlike you. you don't usually speak to people you know"
so i corrected myself "well i didn't talk to him, i just saw him"
"ah" he says "so by 'bumped into' you mean ''avoided'"
"yes" i tell him
"that sounds more like you" he says

being the modern family that we are, sometimes we watch the tv during dinner. i find this justifiable since it's an activity that we're doing together, and we're not doing it instead of talking about our days. by dinner time we've already touched base several times (by phone, in the car, and around the house) so that we're not missing anything by eating in the living room. that being said, i don't imagine we'll continue doing that when life gets fuller and the lorimerettes arrive. sometimes we joke that in the future we'll make the kids eat at the table and we'll still watch the tv together.

last year i came up with a great idea to take the la tienda booth from next to the wolfe island music festival to sell stuff in the vendor's village. i think the calibre of the la tienda merch is much higher than some of the other booths i've seen there, and also more reasonably priced. i mentioned it to shanno and she was also interested in doing that. but i left it too late and didn't make the deadline. so this year i was right on top of things and submitted my application yesterday. they only accept 12 booths and i wondered what my chances were. but i already received a response saying that it sounds like a great organization and that we're in. i'm super excited! this is something i've never done before :D

 

love is a doing word.

dial

i've got dirt under my fingernails. i was gardening yesterday, and got filthy. i love it. i love the dirt of the earth. i love the soil. i love the smell of plants.

because i didn't properly store my garden away last year, there was quite a clean-up to do along with the planting of this year's spoils. the balcony looks great. i feel quite satisfied with my accomplishments. my favourite part was when i was digging in the herb garden and brendan sat on the chairs behind me chatting and admiring my work. while we chatted i told him about the garden i had when i was a kid. that my parents turned my old sandbox into a garden for me, and i got to have my very own alongside of my dad's. i was just little, around 6 or 7. back then it was more about the experience of growing some then about growing my own food. although i did love eating cherry tomatoes off the vine, and even now as i think of that my mouth waters. i have fond memories of gardening as a kid, and i look forward to when we have a backyard of our own and we can grow vegetables of all kinds. that will be beautiful. i chose my herb plants with intention this year, considering what we cook and what herbs we use, and selected them based on our need. i also decided to have a go at growing bell pepper's in a pot. i've tried tomatoes, green beans and clematises in the big pot before, but that spot just doesn't get enough sunlight. i always had good luck growing pepper's when i was a kid (even though i didn't eat them), so i thought i'd give it a shot this year and see how it goes. i have visions of us eating stuffed peppers with our crop. delicious. my hands are rough and chapped from my womanual labours in the garden. i rub my fingers together as a reminder that yesterday i was connected with creation. it feels like a secret that i share with myself.

the morning and early afternoon was so beautiful yesterday. but the late afternoon took a turn for the worse and we were pretty much trapped inside. since the morning and afternoon were so different they almost feel like two separate days. i knitted while we watched the ten commandments (i got it from the library). i'm kind of disappointed that charlston was such a gun-toter in his old age. i quite liked him as moses.

b and i hold different understands of the word "simple". he feels that simple is a good thing, and considers the word simple a compliment. i, on the otherhand, feel that "simplicity" or "simply" is a good thing, but simple is not. simple expresses a lacking of something. whether a lack of understanding, lack of purpose or use, a lack of depth, lack of beauty.

sometimes when i over use a word in writing it no longer looks like a word - simple. it doesn't look like a word anymore. caps usually renders something even more meaningless - SIMPLE. look at that word for a while and tell me if it looks like a word with meaning.

 

you've got a heart filled with passion,
will you let it burn for hate or compassion?

kitchener stitch

i find it interesting that most of the hardest parts of life as a woman would be solved or disappear if i was a man. brendan likes to go for walks in the neighbourhood late at night. as a woman i don't have that freedom unless i'm with someone else. men have fewer social pressures round their behaviour in terms of if they marry, when they marry, if they have kids, when they have kids, clothing, appearances (no make up), freedom in general. the number of single women out number single men, and men do better on a business/career level more easily than women do.

don't get me wrong, i think life is hard and challenging for men too. they have their own set of social expectations and norms. i guess the difference is that their challenges would not be solved simply by being the opposite sex. i feel frustrated by that. and it's actually the reason why i hope to have sons some day instead of daughters.

i preached this morning. i had a good time. i was parched and kind of breathless because of my excitement, but i felt i conveyed my points the way i intended. another positive preaching experience that grew me and changed me. i'm thankful for that. i think other people found it to be positive as well. i preached about loving God, loving others (in spite of their actions, beliefs and situations), and helping the poor – essentially the pillars of christian faith.

i'm pretty excited because i bought my garden materials this afternoon and plan to plant then tomorrow. i've noticed in the past that my garden seems to wilt and die by july (half way thru the season) so i'm going to work hard to keep it flourishing all summer long. hopefully since i'm not taking vacation til the end of august (camping) i can give it the necessary attention.

i should go. i get to go cook for some hungry people at special meals now :)

atheists and charlatans and communists and lesbians
and even old pat robertson, oh God he loves us all
catholic or protestant, terrorist or president
everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love!

sawdust

i don't think the world is going to end on saturday, unlike the billboards say.

one person, harold camping, read the bible from one vantage point and came to a conclusion that for one reason or another really appealed to people. he is one person, he is not God, and he doesn't have a great track record for accurate predictions.

judgement day - may 21 has become a hot topic of conversation, facebook, radio, etc etc. the thing is, rapture theology - which is this notion of christians being taken away from earth - totally flies in the face of the gospel. one little verse in the bible was taken out of context and has become the basis of escapism and apathy... "none of this matters because i'm leaving some day anyways". how tragic! what a sad way of existing. how contrary to the teaching of jesus. i get why it's appealing, i just wish it wasn't such a rampantly held belief. it's essentially church pop culture! it's distorted theology! i wish that people would study the bible for themselves if they're really interested instead of letting other peoples ideology become their belief system. the bible is complex, and can be used to damage and oppress others when taken out of context. but it's actually one complete story. it really needs to be understood in it's entirety - even though i'm partial to all the red words, they don't make sense without the rest.

to be honest, i'm looking forward to sunday when all the tension is broken and we get back to living (which is the point!). i feel sad for the people who are banking on being raptured (not even a biblical word by the way!), it will be a mighty blow. i truly wish them well in figuring out where to go from there.
 
that's great, it starts with an earthquake,
birds and snakes, an aeroplane -

lenny bruce is not afraid.

literally

we may seem different, but i don't think we are. not way down at the core. it's kind of reassuring to know that. i just wish we could talk about the surface differences so we can understand each other better. that's what i want - understanding. that and i want to be known.

it's raining a lot these past few days, and in the days to come as well. it makes we wonder how we'll all keep afloat.

shanno works at david's tea, and i like to go in when she's working to sample the latest and pay her a visit. i used to do that when beck worked at minotaur, only i would check out the merch instead of consume it. i like it when my friends are employed at downtown shops. i have to admit, i'm becoming a bit of a DT elitist, i was at the goat last night and the tea i had there was not nearly as good. b likes to imagine that david from david's tea is like the wizard of oz. i like to imagine him as my dear friend david - i can see him owning a trendy and sophisicated beverage shop.

did i tell you that i'm listening to jane eyre on audio book? i saw the movie trailer at the screening room, and it freaked me out. but later bren and the erbs saw it and both said it was excellent. so i warmed to the idea of the novel, and thought i'd give it a go. it's not creepy at all, and i'm quite enjoying it. i re-watched the movie trailer and can tell already how much they condensed it. i'm so very pleased with the progress i'm making with b's cardy, it should be finished this weekend. which isn't a moment too soon because he's in desperate need of one. i got home after work yesterday to find him wearing one of mine. this is the first sweater i've ever made, and it's going pretty well! except for the problem with my purling. i don't purl correctly, and i noticed that the body and the sleeves have distinctly different stitches since the sleeves were knitted on the round and the body was knitted and purled. oops. oh well, i think only knitters would notice.

 

this sunday's sermon is coming along. it's just about ready. the write is my favourite part. the delivery is probably my least favourite, but i'm sure it will be fine. it always is :)

 

does the space cold do funny things to your nipples, making them all pointy?

talk show

i saw a wild turkey this morning. it was big and black, and it rocked his head forwards and backwards as it walked. i was glad that it was far from the road, because i wouldn't want to have a collision with it.

on saturday i took the city bus for the first time in 10+ years because brendan drove to work. i must say, i found it incredibly satisfying. it made me wish i could ride the bus more often. i had my little tote bag full of knitting, items from the public library, and rice cakes. b thought i looked pretty adorable :p getting myself from point A to point B has always been strongly associated in my mind to independance. this is perhaps my greatest satisfaction - to be capable. my biggest dread is to have someone clip my wings, even if they do so out of niceness.

all day yesterday (after church) i sat on my couch knitting and listening to jane eyre on audio book. i listened to and completed the blind assassin on saturday, and found that it was far too short for my large knitting project. it was only a 3 disc book, so i got jane eyre, which is 17 discs. it was a great sunday afternoon and evening. i drank wine, wore cozy clothes, listened to an engaging book, and knit to my hearts content. i'm making some serious progress on b's cardy, and may have it done by this weekend. definitely by the end of the weekend at the latest. oh what a fine rainy day.

sometimes when i resolve to do something, i later dread the inevitability of it.

 

my heart was never pure.

trillium

i'm so glad that it's warming up – a true reflection of spring. i'm cracking out my summer clothes and thinking of painting my toenails.

the best songs are full of poetry. lovely, compelling, honest-to-goodness intertwining poetry.

today i registered for a writing course thru slc. emma wants me to develop my business writing skills into the direction of persuasive writing or marketing writing. i searched for seminars in toronto or ottawa, partly because i liked the idea of traveling for business. but taking a course locally has it's advantages as well. the course i'm taking isn't just a seminar, it's actually a correspondence course, which i've never done before, but brendan does them often enough that i have an idea of what it's like. i'm actually really excited about it. it's the first official educational course that i've taken in 10 years. i like the idea of having a certificate that confirms that i'm a qualified writer, it means i can actually offer those skills on a professional arena instead of just creative writing.

gotta run! b and i are meeting robb at tommy's dinner for dinner! exciting!

if i had an orchard, i'd work till i'm sore.

circumcise

i've been asked to preach in two weeks (well actually it's a 1 week and a half), so i've been doing a lot of writing for that. which leaves me with less to write about for pspd. i like that preaching teaches me, perhaps more than it teaches other people. i like having an opportunity to study a topic with purpose, and to really challenge myself. so far it's always been a very positive experience.

now that we're nearly into mid-may my allergies are putting up a fight. i've been medicating which keeps them from spiraling down into a mess of inchiness and restricted breathing.

i've developed a liking for fruit-to-go. it reminds me of fruit-roll-ups, only way better. i always feel like i'm eating candy, when it's actually just dried fruit.

bren is flying out today for toronto, then istanbul, then johannesburg, then mozambique. where she'll be til next friday, before doing the trip in reverse, with a layover in istanbul for several days. a love of travel is one of many things bren and i have in common. she's traveling for work and is leading a workshop all next week - she's an international development consultant (which a mouthful, huh? it takes almost as long to say as my work email address). i like it when she emails me from far away and tells me about the slow internet, because i can feel her contentment and her joy at doing something she loves.

i read a great line today in my book, it said "sometimes we speak out to change the world, and other times we speak to try to keep the world from changing us". i thought of shannon when i read that. of the flack she's been getting from a girl on facebook because of her pro-peace stance on the census. i'm proud of shannon. she's standing by her convictions, and even if it doesn't change the world this time, it will not get the better of her.

 

if more people were screaming then i could relax.

increase

last week i spent every evening at home knitting. even book club didn't happen for some mysterious reason. it was a nice change of pace, although often when life is not busy i don't really know what to do with myself. since then life has been more full again and i found that i talked a lot when spending time with people - which is my tendency after spending a lot of time alone.

after i poured the contents back into its pop can, brendan remarked at how resourceful i am. my resourcefulness is becoming more and more apparent. he told me that he'd have no problem dropping me off in an unknown city and leaving me to find my own way. for me, that's one of the highest compliments i could receive. i like being inventive and crafty - and not in the handicraft kind of way. being smart is kind of new to me. i was crap at school and known among my peers as not too bright. maybe having a reputation for being stupid was just the result of flying under the radar while growing up. or maybe adulthood suits me with it's real-world skills and applied maths.

there's something wonderful and encouraging about feeding people at special meals. to see hungry people eating and filled. to meet a simple and important need that way. it's hope-inspiring.

it's as easy as breathing for us all to participate.

inc

in the mirror i saw i had some goat cheese in my hair. i'm not entirely certain of how this happened. but now i feel that i need to keep re-checking in case there's more.

i recently notified my insurance company that my husband needed to be added to my policy as an occassional driver. when the rep noticed brendan's age she gave me a dire projection of how my rates would go up. i said to her "i know that he's under 25, but he's also married so it shouldn't be quite as expensive..." she wouldn't relent and kept saying he should enroll in driver's ed. after a few weeks of waiting and speculating that our rates may triple, i received notice in the mail saying our monthly rate was increasing by $60. phew!! that's not too bad compared to $300!!

i think i'm going to take a break from facebook for a few days. there's too much stuff floating around there, and it's dragging us down. me and my house, we need some peace. at least it's sunny out. what a nice change. perhaps the storm clouds are disappearing.

 

it's horribly awkward being around people when they're flirting.

 

so you just sit on your hands
and quietly contemplate
your next bold move.

hairspray

in november, brendan and i were talking over dinner. i don't remember what we were eating, but i remember what we were talking about. we were having a debate of sorts. we were talking faith, and purpose, the future, and the present. it wasn't an argument, but i remember brendan getting up from the table in exasperation, standing in the kitchen slightly raising his voice and arms in the air. this made an impression on me. not the discomfort of working thru different beliefs and opinions, not our posture or what we were eating. i remember this dinner together because it was a turning point for me. my understanding of faith, my perception of suffering, my feelings about the future, all changed because we took the time to talk about a hard topic.

they say in polite society that one is not to discuss politics or religion... but i'm going to anyways. when it's done lovely and respecfully it can benefit others and myself a great deal. i'm glad for the times that i've been exposed to new information and new concepts through conversation. i don't want to enter the arena to coax or convince anyone, but challenges benefit us all immensely. it's too easy for us to ignore hot topics unless they impact us directly. so i'm taking the flame out into the open. this leaves me open to personal attack, vulnerable to the unkindness of others. but i'm hopeful that even their negative feedback will start them thinking in new and honest ways.

being intellectually provoked is good for my mental agility. i want to be provoking too. i'm not ok with maintaining the status quo, so i guess that means that change has to start with me.

 

watching capitalism gun down democracy,
it had this funny effect on me
i guess.

garbage

yesterday was a hard day in many ways. i'm left puzzled and confused, while at the same time hopeful and encouraged by the NDP opposition and e may winning a seat. but mostly discouraged. i've spent a lot of time since yesterday thinking about scathing remarks i'd like to say on facebook, finger-pointing, and challenging issues i'd throw in the face of our harper government. it wasn't very satisfying though. bitterness and contempt never is. then the still-soft-voice started to be heard in my heart, and i remembered that my sharpe tongue would not make the world a better place. i want to be gracious, a soft word would open hearts and minds more effectively. i'm a hot-head of irish and scottish decent. i let passion and righteous-anger turn into flames that burn myself and others to the ground. i want to be different, so i can help my nation be different.

last night, alone on the couch, i watched the blue dragon take my nation. i watched, with my heart on the floor, a very close race in my riding. i'm thankful to say kingston and the islands did not fall.

i've been reading a really good book by cs lewis called "the problem of pain". yesterday i read a chapter all about love and the words keep surfacing in my mind. i remind myself that i will choose to love my enemies. in the book, jack talks about what it means to love something. he said we love inspite of the unlovely things, and yet love does not cease to want the removal of the unlovely. when we love something (as i will love my country) we still long for it to become more lovable. love does not accept the status quo, it longs for us to be all that we can be - free from the unlovely.

so i will pick my heart back off the floor... when i'm ready. and i will brace myself, to raise my voice, to write letters, to make signs, to love without giving up. and i will pray... for my county and my enemies.

who says i like right angles?
these are not my laws,
these are not my rules.

millions. billions. trillions.

it's been a weird day.

between waking up to the news reporting the death of ObL and lying on a table in the dark in a doctor's office, having my throat close up from my first allergy attack of the season and thinking about "inside job" which i watched last night, it's been rather surreal morning. and it's rainy, so rainy.

i can't help but wonder how the news today may effect the election. will it re-trigger vengence in hearts and minds? will it fuel a passion for peace and understanding? to be honest i feel kind of afraid of the bloody-thirsty mentality of the mob. for all we know, ObL may just be a scapegoat, we've been told he's our enemy, so people hate in that direction. what about the terrorists on wall street? what about the corruption that controls governments and force feed self-gratifying agendas. people who grow wealthy from creating poverty.

we read a quote each easter morning as part of our gathering at sunrise that says (and i'm paraphrasing because i don't recall exactly) the biggest tragedy of our times is that the world could turn at any moment but does not. we could change the world but we do not. we could end poverty and greed, war and exploitation. but we don't.

i hope voters turn out in droves today and make a statement to our government. i hope we choose change. i hope we speak with our vote that we want to be different. that we don't endorse contempt, we don't approve of squander, we don't accept fear-mongering, we don't agree with violent-solutions. we can make a difference, not only is it possible, it's our responsibility.

when will we respond to that calling from beyond...

back-up

well! after blogging for five and a half years, i've finally changed my blog design. this is a big deal for me – i don't like committing to a new change unless i like it more than the old order. but i think i dig it.

*exhale* i'm happy. i feel that it brings me into the new decade. it was time for a change.

when my washing machine spins it shakes the whole house.

i finished gone with the wind today. i loved it. it's possibly one of my favourite books ever. i'll miss it, and yet i'm excited to move on to something new.

sometimes it's painful in the light of the truth.

irresistable

when i was in highschool there was a group of people we referred to as "the cools". the modern equivent would be "the plastics". while we didn't actually think they were cool, they clearly thought they were and gave off a vibe of superiority. i'm sure you know the sort. well... it seems there's an emerging "cool crowd" at work. when i first started in 2003 there was no one even remotely close to me in age. everyone was in their late 40s and 50s. but now that i'm in my 30s, there's a whole crowd of people in their 20s and they seems to flock together. i don't share their interests, and i find the fact that they all have the same haircut very dull. but as time goes on i'm increasingly getting negative vibes from them. i didn't used to, but i feel as though because i show no interest in joining their crowd they're becoming kind of hostile towards me. and to be truthful it sucks. i'm 31 years old and i'm being socially ostracized by my coworkers. they were nice to me up until the christmas party. before that, one of the more outgoing guys told me "i can't wait to meet your husband!" but at the party he didn't speak to us, and hasn't really spoken to me since. i don't know if it's because of brendan's beard (because i'm sure that would be weird to them), or because we sat with my department colleagues instead of the young cools, but they're not friendly to me anymore. it's hard because they're all on the united way committee with me. it's kind of weird because the committee has become some kind of watering hole that they join like it's a pep-squad or something. i joined the committe because i want to help people and engage with my community, i wonder sometimes if those things interest them at all. but maybe it's wrong of me to question their motives.

i baked for the united way bake sale last night. it was stressful and my oven-baked smores got a little more roasted on top than i had planned. part of my anxiety over that was caused by the feeling that the girls would criticize my baking-fail, and make snarky comments behind my back. when i dropped off my baking i said spoke to cools several times, and was ignored by all of them except for the one really outgoing girl who seems to like me. i seriously said words and asked questions and no one responded to me.

my one other "friend" who wasn't part of that group has stopped speaking to me because i got fat. i'm not even kidding. she used to tell me that i was so beautiful, then one day in the fall she came by my cubicle, asked me if i was pregnant and started grabbing at my bulky parts, and now doesn't waste time talking with me. needless so say, i don't have an ally in her.

at this point i'm not really sure what to do or how to respond. i'm usually driven out when i feel undervalued and unwelcome, but i don't want to give in because i feel it's all a matter of misunderstanding. i'm introverted and i like to read at lunch time. i don't party and i don't spend money willynilly. i'm just different from them, and it would probably do us all some good to be exposed to our opposites. it's just harder than it was in highschool because i don't have strength in numbers.

 

i know what it's like when we're caught between a crowd.

zone

i've gotten really good at drinking water. how can that be something a person is good at you ask? well! i chug 1 cup (sometimes 2 cups) of water before every meal. drinking enough water used to be a big challenge for me, but i've made it part of my routine and i really quite enjoy being hydrated. plus, i'm kind of proud of drinking a whole glass of water in 4 gulps :D i'm going to keep it up even after i reach my goal weight because water is really good for us!

i saw a man at the coffee station today filling the kettle with filtered water. that is puzzling to me. isn't boiled water and filtered water the same quality? don't you boil water to make it drinkable? seems like an unnecessary step to me.

sometimes i have a sharp tongue. last night brendan said "what do you think if i ask so-and-so about such-and-such?" and i responded by saying "well everyone seems to think that the sun shines out of such-and-such's ass, so i'm sure so-and-so would think that's a great idea..." he didn't find that particularly helpful, and switched me off at that point. brendan tells me that just because something is true, doesn't mean it's not mean. i want to learn to use my keen observing skills to provide constructive feedback not just unnecessary cutting remarks. it's more easily said that done i guess. my mind either races or fails completely.

build a better rome.

hardly

there's a guy in the cubicle closest to me. in my 7.5 years here, i've never had a close neighbour, and it's making me crazy. i hear his conversations, he hears mine. his annoying macho yuppie friends come by and chat to him. this feels like an infringement on my introvertedness.

do people actually live like scarlet o'hara does? emotionally unaware and disconnected to other people? i can't imagine living life without being forthright. it ultimately makes her and everyone else in the same situation miserable.

i googled the christian heritage party today out of curiousity - i don't suggest it. while in theory, they should most closely align with the teachings of jesus, but they actually seem out of touch with jesus and this century. i learned that they're advocating to reinstate capital punishment. my goodness, how backwards. it seems ironic that a faith group, based on a person who was killed via capital punishment, would be proponents for execution.

it's been calling for thunderstorms all day, but is currently sitting at 16 and cloudy. at one point it was 27 with the humidex. can't decide if i should go for a walk or go to the gym. i prefer being outdoors.

i had to admit, i'm glad i'm not planning a wedding. we were in the thick of it this time last year, and i really really don't miss that.

 

if you're running away, then i'm looking for you.

page

i made dinner last night - vegetarian lasagna. brendan had a late lunch so decided to have a late dinner. i was on the computer in the bedroom while he ate his lasagna in the living room. i suddenly heard him pause from eating, put down his plate and charge into the bedroom. he gave me a big hug and said "that is a really good lasagna, love!" awww. perhaps i'm not as stinky a cook as i thought. b is very encouraging of my cookery, and i appreciate it.

every year i permit myself a small sum from my tax-return to buy something special. i had my mind set on a drawer for filing from ikea, but after i got the house tidied last week i found i didn't need it. so after giving it some thought, i decided to buy some converse high tops. i've never had high tops before and this idea appealed to me a great deal. so on saturday i bought me a pair of lavender high tops from the shoe company. they only had two colours - black and lavender, so i went with the purple. i'm pretty excited about this, although reminded that i'm slightly embarrassed of the super white rubber on new converse sneakers. so i've been trying to dirty them up a little bit, and they're looking a little more lived in.

i used to be a one trick pony. but i've discovered that my one trick was incomplete, and only a small portion of something more complex.

love left a window in the sky.

tolstoy

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking, and the subject of my thinking keeps arising in different places and spaces.

 

i came across a great gandhi quote yesterday which said "i like your christ, i don't like your christians. your christians are so unlike your christ". i'm not a fan of christians myself, but man, i like jesus.

having grown up in church you'd think i'd be heavily in doctrined with jesus's teachings, and yet i was not. church exposed me to christian culture and moral rules, not to jesus. i've been seeking to find, i've been digging to the root of what christian faith actually is. i've been wanting to know jesus, to know what he teaches, and the live it out. i feel like much of my faith experience was full of distractions, things that hindered me and bound me. obligations and burdens. but i'm finding jesus, and it's very freeing. i want to live as jesus tells us to, not so i can qualify for heaven or approval or anything else, but just to love him and let that make a difference.

 

i'll learn to fix stuff, if you will teach me love.

sprout

this is not our anniversary, but it feels like it is.

i concluded today that i'm so glad we got engaged on easter morning because it's our favourite day of the year. the day when we celebrate and remember that there is hope, that we are being redeemed, that the world will turn and that it's worth fighting for. next was full of excitement and celebration this morning, it was great, and i'm feeling pretty pumped and joyful.

i have meaning, and purpose. i'm ready.

you make beautiful things out of us.

iron-on

last night brendan played a show at the mansion. i arrived after book club and brendan was already there. when i got there, i made a bee-line for brendan, bypassing the guy at the door. later in the evening he approached me and said "it's actually a $5 cover"... "my husband's in the band" i told him, and that seemed to do the trick because he walked away. i was half-surprised that i didn't have to explain to prove my case any further. i felt like the disciples on palm sunday saying "the lord needs it" about the colt. that comparison makes me giggle. regardless, i liked that those words carried the necessary weight.

i guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari.

lemon

yesterday i discovered that larry king has been married as many times as elizabeth taylor - 8 marriages to 7 different people. the thing i find odd is that liz taylor is notorious for her many marriages, and larry king flies under the radar. double standards!!!

two people at my work got fired this week. around here they call it being "walked out". because they literally escort you out of the building. being a somewhat mundane office, news like that spreads like wildfire. the rumour mills is saying the two were in cahoots somehow, even so it makes one suddenly aware of how quickly a person can go from being employed to being unemployed. we are all vulnerable.

this morning i woke with my barefeet propped up on the arm of my nearly naked husband. we've been together for 18 months today. marrying that guy was the best decision i've ever made.

 

i guess it works both ways.

bonus

sometimes we spend the entire evening in the living room watching tv shows on dvd. we drink beer and eat popcorn. i wouldn't want to spend every evening that way, but we do it so rarely that it's a guilty pleasure. we may have a repeat this evening.

today has been one of those days when i'm particularly optimistic. to my delight, when i weighed myself this morning, i've lost another 3 pounds. i've lost 15 pounds since christmas. i'm pretty happy about that. it's not nearly as difficult as i thought it was. my hair is growing, it's much longer than realized. i feel good, and that feels good. sometimes change is just a matter of time. sometimes i get so stuck in the present that i'm blind to what is to come.

ever since i de-clutted the pad on saturday, i've been feeling particularly content. i love the maxi-pad, and i feel happy to live there for many more years. i have all my needs met. and i'm pretty thankful for that. i think i'm even on my way to more balance with how i spend my time.

i like what is tangible. i only really like tangile possibilities, tangile expressions of love. my peace is tangible, that's my favourite kind :)

i've got places to go and i need to fit my clothes.

acoustic

it feels like winter again. but i refuse to wear winter clothes. i'm so done with winter, it can bite me.

it was a full weekend, and i really enjoyed myself. on friday night, brendan went on his first solo roadtrip to perth to play a show, so i went out with jill-rach to the goat. i like being with them.

saturday morning i met with melissa at windmills for breakfast. she was quite surprised to see me at 9 am on a saturday morning, but i've turned over a new leaf, and am becoming an early bedder and early riser. after that we parted ways in the rain, me without a raincoat or umbrella. i ran away from a military parade all the way to the church book room. they didn't have the book i was looking for, and i was that much further away from home in the rain. thankfully shanno was working at david's tea so i went in and chatted with her for a little while, then got some tea and read at one of the tables. shanno has introduced me to a tea that smells and tastes like cupcakes, so i drink that instead of eatting delicious small cakes. again i ventured out into the rain, going to next for a japanese benefit garage sale, and bumped into bren, she gave me a drive home :)

i spent the rest of the day doing a massive overhaul in our home. there is a pile of stuff at the top of the stairs ready to be taken to value village. i'm super pleased with my progress. it's tidy, spacious, uncluttered, de-junked, and pleasant. i didn't tell brendan, so when he arrived home our new and improved home was a surprise to him, one that left him speechless and vowing to do whatever i wished for the rest of the evening. so we went to royal angkor and rented far and away.

last night i went to bed at 9:45, but didn't fall asleep til way after 11. it sucked. b arrived home around 10:30, so we chatted for about 15 minutes, then i was left thinking about our conversation and a phone message he retrieved from the phone for me. it was a person (who called twice) asking me to call when i have the chance. this is kind of unusual, and i was left me feeling that i was being confronted about something. needless to say, i didn't sleep very well, and was tired come morning.

my brain is functioning at a high level these days. brendan asked me if i was on drugs :p i like that i'm being productive and that my mind is exercising. i think it's my influx of sleep, but maybe it's something else entirely.

 

after some thinking, i'd say i'd rather be

a functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me.

shadow

i overheard a guy this lunchtime talking about a church nearby his house. he said every sunday morning with the good christians are done their morning mass (but then clarified that it didn't need to be catholics - he want to spread the statement around to cover all religions), they're all too busy trying to exit the church parking lot to let him out of his driveway. that's one side of the coin. the other is an interaction i had yesterday with a christian planning on voting conservative because it's "the least of two evils". i don't disagree with the evil label, i disagree that it's the least evil option. i feel so dumbfounded as to why she would believe that the tories reflect her faith. i scratch my head and wonder what bible she's been reading.

from one side we get people viewing christians as self-centred and on the other christians viewing themselves as morally superior. all i can think is that we're failing big time to live what jesus told us to do. i know that i'm a loser, that my nature is bound on destruction. i know i need jesus to make me the person i'm meant to be. i want to not only say i love the person who judges me for my faith association, but to actually love him. to say "you know what? i'm really sorry that the church-goers come to your neighbourhood and do nothing more than clog your street with traffic. we're losers". to not just say i love the person who shares my pew, but to really love her and say "please don't get so hung-up on your morality that you feel exempt from living ethicially. jesus wants more for you than to be good."

this election has been provoking me. i feel really passionate because i'm finally getting what jesus has been harping on and on about. he gave us the tools to help his kingdom come, and his will be done. and i really just want to get on with it. i feel an urgency for positive change in this country. i know that change begins with me, and i will do my part - whoever wins the election. i just want to be contagious and for positive change to go viral.

love shines when we'd rather sing our hearts out then live the language of war.

co-shared

my right big toe has felt damp all morning. this may be psycological more than actual. the rain and my fear of worms.

at dinner with the melles's the other night bren and brendan agreed that i could be a detective. i find this amusing, and get why they came to this conclusion. but what puzzles me is why everyone doesn't have this ingrained ability to piece together facts. this may have something to do with the S (sensing) and N (intuition) portions of myers-briggs. to my surprise i discovered that bren is an N. this surprised me because i felt that she and i shared the same level of awareness of our surroundings, i suppose we do, but we gather that awareness thru different means. bren said the key defining element to an N is the word possibility. i didn't really grasp what they were saying and kept asking brendan for examples of times he took in information thru his intuition and facts to back up what he was saying. it turns out that was very "sensing" of me. sensors like concrete information to base understanding on. maybe that's why i like numbers. i'm not opposed to possibility, but it doesn't really interest me. possibility is endless, so i like only what is real possiblity. i guess i like that which is real.

i've discovered corrective tape. it's way better than white-out. i can't believe it took me this long to make the switch. i do miss shaking the white-out bottle. the lovely sound it makes when it sloshes back and forth. but corrective tape doesn't need to dry, and it doesn't get all messy and gross when i write over top of it. delightful.

 

time can't tell its tale.

233 minutes

she looked at me from across the room with a specific look in her eyes. i don't know her, but i know that look. i've looked with that look. the first time it happened i wondered if i was imagining things, but it happened again. the third time confirmed it. i knew it would happen some day, though i expected it in roughly six years. that a girl in the shoes i wore would look at me like i'm something other, like i'm something intrusive, something inconvenient. and i'm not sorry - for what i am, or for what she thinks i am. to her it's something that consumes her thoughts - while she lies at bed at night, while she walks along the street. but to me it's little more than a fleeting thought, or a scent dissolving on my skin - gone unnoticed. this one is my story. she'll have to find another. she'll have to look the other way and know we don't think of her, or even notice that she's absent.

 

i've got no direction without her little fingers,
barbed wire, razor wire, nothing keeps me from her.

write

i'm wearing a pair of pants (comfortably) that i haven't fit in since the fall 2009 :D that makes me very happy.

i've kept my internal clock in a slightly different timezone. i went to bed at 9:30 last night, and woke fully rested at 6:30 this morning. it's great, this getting enough sleep thing. it's been really hard for me in the past to make sure i get to bed at a time that works well with my early mornings. i usually function on less sleep because i hate opting out of things, activities, people. but i'm slowly starting to get what it means to take care of myself. taking care of my physical self is an important part of taking care of my emotional and mental self. so i'm going to be an early bedder. i always want to change the fullness of my life, maybe this is what i've been needing to do in order to declutter a little. i'm very cyclical. i go from busy to bored quite quickly. i think it's because i'm so feelings driven.

b and i drank guiness every day when we were in ireland. we'd pick up a can each at the nearest corner store, pour them into some pint glasses and chill-out! we've kept doing that too. only you can't just pick up guinness anywhere like we did in ireland. i'm looking forward to drinking my pint and watching 30 rock tonight, just like we did in belfast.

i don't know if i've mentioned this, but brendan's work schedule has changed again. he's finished his training so he has evenings off, which is great, but he's working saturday-sunday. that will be an adjustment, but so far it's alright. at dinner last night he caught me starring into space while i tried to calculate whether i see more of him with this new schedule, and i do. he doesn't like it when i'm specific with numbers. i don't know why, and i'm not sure why i'm so fond of numbers. i didn't realize i was. i have to admit, numbers are delightful because they don't lie. they just are.

sometimes sitting for a long time makes my butt feel flat. that time is approaching.

 

i don't drink coffee i take tea.

taoiseach

MEMORABLE EXPERIENCES - IRELAND 2011:
- spring! green rolling hills, leaves on trees
- sheep & lambs in pastures
- the british chocolate and the guinness beer
- learning learning learning
- the first time i saw the dublin spire
- missing the train in ballymena
- the ballymena cemetary
- the guards with machine guns in derry
- the 4 story empty hostel
- brendan losing his wedding ring
- brendan retrieving his wedding ring
- going to the movies in derry
- buying stamps then not finding any postcards
- staying with rachel & eric
- giant's causeway
- bumping into brendan's friend from chien noir at giant's causeway
- talking theology with brendan
- our inexpensive meals that we cooked at the hostels
- walking walking walking
- our black taxi tour of west belfast
- the cupcake cafe!
- the puppy at global village
- bus rides, train rides
- "god is love, and love is real" tattoo
- the two big group of americans at our last hostel
- our single beds at our first hostel
- the surgery sign
- siteseeing
- brendan losing his sweater
- the sky bruised in pinks and blues on our drive home

 

i think of your smile
i'm in love with your teeth.

reader

back when i was single, i found that traveling taught me new things about myself. things i'd never encountered before, even though they existed. the same is true now that i'm married, but it also reveals things about brendan and our dynamic together.

our trip to ireland exposed that i am very impulsive. i've known that for a long time, in fact my first blog entry was about that, but i don't think i understood just how often it comes up. i generally DO then think after, and in some cases sometimes worry later, but at the time i'm 100% certain of my actions. i think on the fly and deal with the consequences (if there are any) when the occur.

brendan on the other hand is a slow processor. he needs time to think and let the situation sink in. he tackles one thing at a time and plays it safe. quite frequently on our trip i found him thinking too slowly, and i would impatiently tell him "faster faster, come on brendan". this is something we're going to have to figure out, because the luxury of true contemplation is not always an option, while impulsively acting isn't always smart either.

on a busy street in dublin i dove into the backseat of rachel's car with my massive backpack on, then got stuck. all i knew is that we had to get in the car the fastest way possible, but after i did it i knew it was one of the dumber courses of action. b would extremely slowly dig thru the change purse trying to decipher between 50p, 10p, 20p etc etc, while our train was arriving or there was a line up behind us. to be fair, we were working with 2 currencies, and my snap decisions didn't usually get me stuck face-down on a car seat.

when it's all said and done brendan has a cooler head, i have a faster thought-process. hopefully we can combine these super powers and lose the negative side effects :)
 
if i had no boots, i'd trek through the mud.

botanic

we're having a great time here in belfast. brendan and i both feel that we could live in this city very easily. it reminds us a little bit of kingston, so it feels extra homey. 

we've been doing A LOT of walking. easily 5-6 hours a day, if not more. the weather is so perfect that we're neither too hot nor too cold. lovely for walking. the food has been great, and i've been eating a normal amount (not counting my calories) since i've easily been burning 1500 calories a day from all the walking. it's nice having the freedom to eat without thinking in depth about it. 

we've been eating british chocolate everyday, and drinking guinness. yesterday we drank two guinneses :) delicious. 

it's funny how traveling puts life into a new perspective. i'm perfectly content to not own a house. and i'm finding that i'm not using much out of my backpack, so things like clothes, hair, accessories are less important. just keeping things simple. i seem to take less and less with me when i travel, and i'm sure next trip i'll need even less. 

while we've been here we've kind of settled on names for our future kids. i'm afraid i can't tell you which names we've selected, since i like to keep those a secret :p but i mention it because now that we've got names for these little lorimerettes i'm finding that i'm thinking of them more. i've concluded that this trip would be very doable with a baby, so i've been thinking about traveling with kids. what that would be like, and so on. i'm finding that thinking about parenting seems a lot easier than it will be in practise. right now i have energy and idealism that i'm sure i won't possess after sleepless nights and no breaks from draining babes. 

oh, i forgot to tell you. on the morning we left ktown we went to an open house/college preview at st lawrence for b. he's the only male in his class (so far), and we couldn't help but notice that the current students who shared about their placements were mostly in schools or with kids. that does not interest brendan at all, and we got thinking about what his experience will be like. i think his will be different. the teacher explained that they won't place a student with someone with serious mental health issues when they don't have experience. but brendan has plenty all ready. i think it's also different because he's a man. a pretty confident/competent man when it comes with working with the marginalized in our community. i can't imagine those 19 year old girls (who use the words 'like' and 'you guys' all the time) working with some of the visitors at the house famous.

i'm gonna wrap this up. i'm feeling pretty exhausted after another day of walking. it's a good exhausted though :) tomorrow we're heading back to dublin.

i wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside.

liffey

we've just arrived in belfast. our hostel is really great. super chilled and quiet - only 3 other guests. brendan is playing on a hostel guitar while he waits his turn on the computer. there's a pool table too and we're going to play later. i said to brendan "we've never played pool together before" to which he said "ya, i've never beat you at pool before" :S

we're having a great time. i'm feeling a little jet lagged still, but on the whole things are fab :) the weather is really perfect, today we went out walking without coats, and i had barefeet in sandles!

yesterday we explored dublin by way of a hop-on hop-off bus that took us to many of the main sites we wanted to see. our main highlights were... visiting the guinness storehouse, where we learned about the history of guiness, and got to drink a pint at the end from the top of the storehouse that provided a stellar view of the city. i have to admit, i'm quite a fan of guinness, it's very smooth. it may become my beer of choice (even though it's a stout). we also went to kilmainham jail where we learned more of the history behind the fight for irish independence.

one thing that has really surprised us that (at least in dublin) all the signs are bilingual - first irish gaelic, then english. we even came across an irish newspaper so there must be people who speak it! irish bares no resemblance to english, so you can't just guess at the words. like "grianghrafadóireacht" means photography. the accent in dublin is quite different to the accent in belfast, and on the whole the dubliner accent is much harder to understand.

this afternoon we went to the ulster museum here in belfast and learned about the troubles in belfast. after learning that history more in depth i'm not that surprised that there is still a police-state here in belfast since the last bombing was a little over 10 years ago. i couldn't help but notice that the last many of the countries i've visited in recent years experience mass amounts of violence during the 70s and surrounding decades. it both gives me hope that the parts of the world that are war torn at the moment will experience peace in the coming decades, while at the same time feel discouraged that it may take 30+ years.

when we left kilmainham jail (gaol) yesterday, our guide said "enjoy your freedom". it was a good reminder that freedom is not for taking forgranted, and that around the world people have fought for it, and died.

ireland is very beautiful. as brendan said "you can't take an ugly picture of this city". i'm slightly surprised by how multicultural it is, for some reason i assumed there would be mostly english-speaking folks, but there is a very large polish presence here, among others. and at our last hostel it was predominantly german guests. we were some of the few regular north american travelers. which again surprises me.

it's neat to see how common the name brendan is here. upon exciting the airport we passed a man holding a sign that said "brendan vacations" - the name of a tour company! we were tempted to take his photo.

our two hostels have been great so far. but at yesterday's place we had a room with two single beds that we had to push together - that's happened before. in cambodia 2 of our 3 hotels had arrangements like that. it's ok, but we were happy that this hostel has a regular double bed.

tomorrow we're heading to (london)derry. so fun! and educational :)

where the buildings are old and you might have lots of mimes.

link

we've arrived in ireland. our trip went great!

 

our hotel in syracuse was nice, our 8 hour layover in nyc passed lickety split, i got to ride on the train that bbd built, i slept well on our flight, and we caught the bus into the city to our hostel with no problems. we're having loads of fun already. now we have to kill 4 hours before we get get into our room - wish us luck! brendan didn't really sleep so we'll see how it goes :)

 

one minute left on this computer! gotta go!

speak

we're heading out tomorrow. i'm really happy, there was a chunk in the afternoon that i was so overwhelmed by things at work that thinking about ireland wasn't on my radar, much less being excited about it. but i got everything finished and now i'm home, and i've packed my trusty backpack, i baked some muffins to eat during layovers, and got everything in order. now i'm excited. and happy too! really happy.

tomorrow is our 9 month (wedding) anniversary. it's been a great 9 months. it's exciting that we're able to go for another trip even within our first year of marriage! and i have to admit, i like him more and more all the time :) that's pretty awesome i'd say. that b is something special.

i love traveling. i love that i'm becoming quite experienced at it. i love that brendan loves to travel too, and that he's a good travel companion.

i like being on the edge of something. i like being in a story that's unfolding. i like being present and joyful in it. i definitely am feeling intoxicated with possibility and goodness.

if you've lost your way, i'm seeing you through.

liquids

i had a dream last night that my cat pekoe had a doppelganger. he was an evil doppelganger with slightly bigger/more pointy ears, and his face was nasty mean. he was kind of a stow-away in our house and we didn't realize he was there because he never appeared at the same time as koe-koe. we eventually got rid of him, but i was left wondering if we'd banished the correct one or not.

 

the winter always ends with water on your lips.

sloan

i'm coming down with a cold. crappy timing :S yesterday it seemed contained to just one nostril, but it seems to have spread to both and my throat. sucky. i'm gonna get some kind of cough medicine and hope that it helps. i often get sick right before vacationing, and other times right after.

bren lent me her old gortex rain jacket last night. she insisted that i needed something waterproof for ireland and that my nylon vest wasn't gonna cut it. when i tried it on i stood in their living room while mike, bren and rowan all looked on - it fit. m+b noticed that even their dog was very attentive to me in bren's coat. i felt around in pockets to see if there might be a hidden treasure, and after pulling out a few duds my hand grabbed hold of half a dog treat and pulled it out. i gave it to jessie who ate it up immediately not caring how old it was.

the temperature was 15 degrees in dublin today. i'm really looking forward to that. i've been freezing all day! spring is waiting.
 
i came across a photo the other day on facebook on my cousin's profile. it was labelled as my grandma. she looked to be in her mid-20s. the colours were vibrant and she looked candid. i'd never seen a photo of my grandma younger than 50 before and i was quite captured by it. she was beautiful, but while i searched her face for any resemblance of me i didn't find anything. i look like my dad, and my dad looked like his mom, so i thought surely i would see my face in hers as well. but i didn't, our hair was similar but our faces weren't. when i showed the photo to my dad he said it wasn't her at all, and he had no idea who that was. i was kind of disappointed and yet kind of glad. while i did want so much for it to be true that it was in fact my mysterious grandma who in theory i bear much resemblance to in both face and in body shape. it was kind of a relief since the woman, as pleasant as she was, did not resemble me so it makes sense that she is not the missing piece of my family tree. i don't suppose i'll ever see her face. but there was one nice surprise. among all the photos there was one little tot who my eyes passed over -18 months old, brown hair and brown eyes, with long wavy locks, it was my dad! i'd never see a photo of him younger than 13 before, so it was super neat. while one thing was lost, something better was found.

all the cursive claims you've yet to make.

cake

i had an exchange with this strange man-child yesterday.

first he insulted me over our trip to ireland (said it was a lame place to visit) - whatever, to each their own.

then he mocked my baby niece for her unisex name (apparently he'd never heard of 'erin' before) - poor taste to mock a baby, but she won't remember or be permanently damaged.

lastly he attacked my b (his intigrity, his ambitions to change the world, his decision to go back to school) - i nearly gouged his eyes out. oh how i wanted to rip his face off.

i'm still feeling extremely angry, i woke in the night still angry and couldn't sleep. this ignorant dump truck who has never met brendan, who barely knows me. it's indeed a challenge to love someone who is not like me, who i don't like, and who it seems doesn't like me. i think he knew he crossed the line and tried to dig his way out a little by spreading the mock around, that just put him in deeper. at that point i was on the verge of tears and just shook my head at him in bewilderment. shortly there after he silently exited and his wife gave the excuse that he "had an errand to run". perhaps it was a medical appointment to get his foot out of his own mouth. probably a difficult proceedure since he seems to have swallowed it so deeply that it was coming out of his ass.

 

everybody, everybody, love, love, love, love, love.

know nothing

the true count-down to vacation has begun, and i'm feeling it. i've got ireland on my brain and i'm antsy for this week to wrap up - even though it's just starting. i'm just really tired and i don't wanna do anything!

i did have a really great weekend though. i'd almost say wonderful. which might have something to do with my jimmy-leg for next weekend. saturday was really productive. we got our taxes done, which is always a treat because our tax guy is very amusing. it turns out brendan went to camp with his daughter and they were all chatty-mcchat about that. our taxes worked out well, which is good as i was a little concerned about that. we discovered a few months ago that our RRSPs were set up incorrectly, so i was a wondering how they would effect our taxes, but it worked out pretty well. obviously this was our first time filing together as a married couple, so we felt super grown-up :)

nancy and we (us? we? what's the correct word this this kind of sentence??) spent a good chunk of time vacuuming out our car. it's the cleaniest it has ever been since 2008. we are so ready for our roadtrip to syracuse next weekend :D i'm really looking forward to that relaxing start to our vacation. i'm feeling a little mentally checked out. i dunno how i'll make it thru the week! i love traveling. i got all our travel papers sorted out - hostel confirmations (so we won't be homeless like we were in siem reap), our travel intineraries, our e-tickets, and any extra info. i'm feeling super organized! i'm not a naturally organized person, so i have to be intentional about it. it's much easier when i have interest in what i'm doing.

i'm having one of those days where i feel like i might just collapse into a puddle underneath my desk. i feel like i'm slowly evaporating.

we're both kind of outsiders. i think that's why i like her. we probably have very little in common other than the fact that we're related and we're both looking in thru an invisible partition. being told that we don't belong, when actually we do. we belong just as much as the rest of them, only we've been voted out because of apathy. majority rules. well the majority kind of stinks anyways. i'll try my best to help her, we're both intrigued by the unknown. who they were.

 

we're always on the edge of something bigger than this.

snapshot

it's out of context and i love it...

1) i got a little freaked out about my fallopian tubes this morning.

2) i'm the worst for assuming the worst. what is wrong with my brain!?!?!

3) he's like an effeminate version of harold from the red green show.

 

4) sometimes i spell plants with an e in it. like planets. nuclear planets. they'll be the next big thing i'm sure.

 

5) it's weird how similar naivety and nativity is. like shoes and choose. choose and chews. the english language. it's quirky.

 

6) my needs and wants don't always line-up, and i mostly default to my needs, or sadly even just whatever is right in front of me.

 

7) i'm very thankful that i married someone i connect with so well. i frequently have nightmares that instead of marrying him i marry my exboyfriend.

 

8) i think our laundry (95% mine) has been out "drying" for at least a month :S

 

like a hundred eyes aiming at the words in your breath.

i think i'm falling asleep from the feet up

sometimes my legs are so comfortable that i don't want to move.

but it's time to go.

go time.

home time.

callipygian

for some strange reason i'm finding lent this year particularly difficult. i've chosen to give up being late. it doesn't seem too difficult, it doesn't seem more difficult that changing one's sleeping habits or dietary approach. and yet, it's been super hard and i've been struggling. today i skipped out on brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, and putting in my contacts (all things i occassionally skip in order to save time), and i still arrived 10 minutes late for work. to be honest i felt pretty crappy about it, and on my way to work i spent some time meditating on this. i considered whether it was worth trying if i was going to fail at it. i considered what this said about my priorities, what it said about my commitment to this endeavour. i was soon able to conclude that it's not about succeeding, it's about the journey i take over 40 days. that quiting because it's hard serves no purpose at all, it's better to do the best i can than to not do at all. where is my heart, i asked myself. am i leaning in or leaning out? am i failing because i'm not actually committed or am i failing because it's just plan hard. so with a new appreciation for the challenge ahead of me, i start once again. i continue.

i bought this ring on etsy last week. it was not exactly what i was imagining. i thought it was white, but it's actually kind of transluent. it arrived on thursday. i was not in love with it. i was kind of half-hearted, but i thought i'd give it a go. by tuesday it was broken. oh well. at least i'm not hugely disappointed. just means i wasted 8 bux.

we're currently doing this radio survey. they sent us a booklet and 2 dollars each to fill in a diary of which radio stations we listen to and when, each day, for 2 weeks. we received a package in the mail addressed to "Brenden and Leslie Mckight". they effectively spelled each one of our names incorrectly, plus got our name wrong twice removed. i suppose it doesn't matter that much, they're not seeking to know what the mckights listen to, so much as people in general. we're people, so i think we qualify.

brendan thinks that honey speaks with an accent. i'm not exactly sure where she would've picked up such an accent. she's just little.

 

i shut my eyes for a moment's rest
'cause i get so tired.

sit

maybe it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's weighed on my mind for over a decade.


what thing transpired while my body slept?
beset my mind

quick

i've been knitting some socks for a while. actually i started them last spring at the next church retreat. but then i got busy with our engagement, and summer happened, and then i started knitting christmas gifts, that the socks got put aside. then in january i picked up my needles again and completed the first sock. soon after i continued my work on them i decided i'd give them to bren. she's a person who appreciates socks, and appreciates knitting, and i knew she'd appreciate a pair of knitted socks more than i would. i can knit myself a hundred socks, and i wouldn't delight in them the way bren would.

so i had to find a way to figure out her foot size. i knew she was roughly my size, i knew we'd talked about our foot size before, but could not remember her size. i considered asking mike, but didn't want to make him keep a secret. i considered asking one person to ask another person to ask another person to ask bren her foot size, but knew she'd piece it together when she saw me knitting. so when she told me about her new black boots that she found at the sally ann, i used that as an excuse to ask her "what's your foot size?" perfect.

i finished the second one this morning, and all day waited to give them to my friend. finally by evening i needed to get out of the stale air of being sick in an apartment all day, so i walked down to her house to give her the sox. she was so shocked, completely dumbfounded. it was awesome. in fact, she asked several times if i was sure that i wanted her to have them, and i assured her that i've been knitting them for her. it was great, the exact reason why i wanted her to have them. i know they will be well loved.

i can feel it in my bones.

evaporate

i'm sick. i'm at home with a tummy ache. in the last week i've come to realize that some of the ways my body functions is not normal. things i've seen as routine are actually a sign of unhealth and shouldn't have been ignored by myself or my former physician. after coming into this knowledge it's difficult to ignore the way my body works. i'm not alarmed by this, rather i'm listening to it and becoming more in tune to what it says.

i often a liken cars with bodies. sometimes a car can make a rattling sound and the daily driver doesn't hear it because she's so accustomed to it. then someone will point it out and from then on she hears it each time she drives. 

i had a flash flood of sickness last night after living room. i thought i'd feel better by morning but i do not. usually i'd just think "maybe i ate something funky, or picked up a bug somewhere". but now that i'm looking back over the history of my body i see a pattern unraveling, becoming exposed. i'm seeing my doctor on wednesday and i'm hoping to get to the root of the problem. whatever it is.

i don't want to be at home sick. we were never allowed sick days as kids, and since then i've always equated sickness with a guilty feeling. since i'm feeling under the weather i'm also feeling low emotionally. i almost feel sorrowful. not about myself, but kind of the world in general. how it doesn't make a lot of sense and is full of contradictions. sometimes it overwhelms me and i feel like a failure from every angle. 

brendan has left for work, so i'm going to make some chicken noodle soup and find something to do that involves lying down.

spring blooms and you find the love that's true.

unannounced

i've been doing a lot of thinking. i suppose it's been the result of a certain kind of awakening. for the first time ever, i'm coming to truly understand what it means to be poor. i'm so accustomed to seeing luxury and over the top wealth that i would place myself in the "have not category". but i've been exposed to a few alternate realities lately, and it's really humbling.

first, i've been reading gone with the wind. the characters have come thru the civil war with nothing. their houses and crops have been burned, they have next to no food and next to no animals – they eat yams and peanuts every meal. they have the clothes on their back, there is sickness all around. it boggled my mind to imagine a world where one couldn't just go to the store to buy more food and supplies. it made me realize how vulnerable we are as humans, how if our part of the world took a drastic turn i would not know how to be a farmer and take care of our basic needs. the civil war was ruthless. and it's left me stunned by how privileged we are.

in addition to that (the timing interesting since it built on what i was already thinking), brendan and i saw biutiful last night. that exposed me to modern poverty. it had immigrants who had to sleep on the floor of a warehouse basement in rows, a group of 25 people lying side by side. people scrounging for food and money to feed their children. apartments with paint curling off the walls and cockroaches covering the ceiling. i have no idea what it's like to be truly without. to struggle.

i am awake. i hope these lessons stay with me. i need this sobering reminder regularly. i want to learn to not be wasteful, and not take for granted.

i've been asleep for a long, long time.

horseman

i'm wearing purple and green today. i'm a little unsure about the combination because both the green and the purple are quite deep vibrant colours. but you know, i have a cardigan (that i'm not currently wearing) that has those two colours and i've always been pleasantly surprised about how well they go together. perhaps i'll be a trendsetter around the office with this combo.

when her intestines were put back inside, they ended up in a different place. i've never been one for changing the familiar, i didn't even like how my teeth felt after a filling! so i can appreciate how annoying that would be for her.

brendan got his new schedule that will start in april. the whole process was a catch 22. he was given two options, neither are particularly good. i was disappointed when he told me which he selected, mostly because we weren't on the same page. i preferred him working evenings if it meant having weekends off, he preferred having mon-tue off because he'll have most of his evenings free. i'm trying to remember that it's just temporary. it's only 5 more months, but the last 7 weeks have gone by slowly so 5 months seems like a long time. i'm sad that we won't have saturdays together and that he won't be able to come with me to sunday lunch.

i've officially lost 10 pounds since christmas. i've worked my ass half off! hooray! i'm feeling good, positive, and more streamline.

he's an engineer and a real stickler for details. now that i can predict it, it makes me laugh, even in my frustration. i like how laughing breaks any tension.

even though i thought i was all alone i was wrong,
i'm not.

post-it

plants and animals played at zappa's last night. i'd never been there before, and i have to say that i really like it as a venue. it's spacious and functional. i may even go so far to say that it's the best venue in town (for bigger shows like that - way better than the ale house).

the show was great - both p&a and the opening band karkwa. they're a quebecois band who won the polaris prize this year. they're actually very big in french-canada, so touring with p&a is a great opportunity to introduce them to english-canada. they were well received, regardless of the fact that they only sing in french and most people didn't know what they were saying. one things bren and i loved about them was that instead of drinking beer on stage, they were drinking red wine. it was so awesome :D

 

@beckie, you should check them out for some stellar french music. both bands are from montreal.

when i got home last night the house was completely dark. it was around 12:45, but brendan had told me that he'd wait up for me. i was disappointed that he hadn't. but when i got in the house i noticed that there was a candle burning in the bathroom. knowing that brendan doesn't tend to light candles for ambiance i called to him "brendan, what's going on?". the power had been out for 3 hours, including the phone and the wifi. at 3:30 in the morning i woke up to find the house completely awake with lights on in every room. i said to brendan who was deep in sleep "brendan, brendan why are all the lights on?" repeating myself until it was clear that he was not going to wake up, i finally realized that the power had come back on lighting our house in the process.

the fridge was off for 5 hours in total and my goat cheese was very soft this morning.

i got this great cuff in the mail yesterday. i bought it on etsy. i love that site :)

 

i want you, 

i want you, 

i want you, 

i want you to help us out.

surfacing

i'm almost out of gas. so so almost. but i made it to work. i reigned supreme over that gas gage. I AM VICTORIOUS! i couldn't stop for gas or i would've been late.

today is ash wednesday and the beginning of lent. last year i gave up sleeping in (it was hard at times, but was over all a very positive experience), and the year before (my first time participating) i gave up meat. i saw a really negative rant about lent on facebook the other night (see below), it left me feeling stung. lent isn't supposed to make you feel guilty (or spew obscenities on the internet), if it does than you're not really understanding the practise. in my experience lent is about freedom. it's an opportunity to free myself from something that acts as a vice (not that meat was a temptation for me, but it was my first time and i wanted to ease myself into it). this year i'm giving up being late. last night i got wondering if it was too vague, so i hashed out some parameters: i won't be late for work or bedtime, and i would arrive on time for work and church. in a way this is similar to last year, which is good because i enjoyed last year's lent immensely. that should be the experience, if you're not enjoying it then don't do it. brendan's not participating this year, he's taking a break.

i added her as a friend on facebook in hopes of getting better acquainted. we rarely crossed paths as kids and when i saw her last she was quite kind and sweet - it seemed. but in the last month or so i've determined that she's actually a really terrible person - bitter and toxic. i don't think my life is enriched to have her part of it, even if it's in this minimal manner. i don't want to delete her, but i don't think i want to be exposed to her either. needless to say i'm rather surprised by this and a little disappointed to find that she's a phony.

SO the big news of the week is that ben and meg are having a little baby :D i'm SUPER SUPER happy about this. both brendan and i woke up last friday feeling joyful and that life is good. our new niece is due on august 22.

and even if
you're scared stiff
you can trust in this.

elevator

they wheeled me around on a bed as though i was a shopping cart. it made me smirk and i hoped that no one noticed. on the way back i didn't smirk. my face was fallen and i was in a daze.

i received a letter in the mail from peter milliken thanking me for sending my passport thru his office. that really wasn't necessary mr milliken (or rather mr milliken's staff), find better things to do with your time. the salutation read "dear mrs lorimer" that may be the first time that's happened.

my dad and i drove in the car. i noticed yet another thing about him, he jumps from conversation topic to conversation topic. hm! i thought. this is yet another thing i'm similar too, except i'm self-conscious of it. it's not that i lose interest in the topic at hand i'm simply lead by my stream of consciousness, my words go as my brain directs me.

i tried not to cry, but i did a little. i knew he would feel badly and not know what to say. "oh well" i said "oh well". i couldn't think of anything better to say for several hours. "oh well" i still say and "we'll see". he bought me dinner, i think it was the only thing he could think of to comfort me, but he told me he wanted me to have something healthy to eat since i'd been fasting all day.

i been down, i been downhearted baby
ever since the day we met.

ride

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about socializing. specifically the impact of having family locally has to one's social life. i don't think i realized that we are kind of unusual for having both sides of our family in town. i've noticed that we don't have to travel at holidays, but didn't really see any impact beyond that. i'm not particularly inclined to compare myself to others, but i do tend to spend time wondering i'm normal and look around me to see what's normal around me. am i progressing and maturing at a regular pace? am i achieving social milestones? i've been noticing some differences, neither good nor bad. i've overlooked the impact of having family locally, and have ended up concluding that the time we spend with our families other people spend with created family – a group of friends or a few families at the same stage of parenting. there's part of me that feels we're out of the loop, that relationships are being built around us, and we're not included – and i hate missing out of things. but there's a richness and longevity in investing in our parents, siblings, and nieces & nephews. so i'm ok with not being in on other gatherings. our situation is different, and i should stop looking out there to discover what's normal. that being said i'm hoping that soon (when life returns to a less teeter-totter phase) that we'll have more opportunities to hangout with friends :) we also hung out with sarah and paul the other night, which was great, and i want to do that more.

we had a great time yesterday with my family and brendan's family. it was a full day, but really enjoyable. we celebrated birthdays, and shared meals.

one time at storytellers we made a list of things that make us feel like kids. i had difficulty things of things. however, on a daily basis i do things that make me feel like a grown-up. i don't think the novelty has really worn off yet.

moonlight spills on comic books
and superstars in magazines.

tricksy

sometimes i wake in the morning and feel that the world is aglow. there are times, rare occassions, that i feel immense encouragement about life, and community, and family, and faith, and love. i cherish days like this.

oh man, the craziest thing happened yesterday. i was chatting via instant messaging with my colleague michel in montreal. out of the blue he said to me "my office roomie says hello". so i asked him who his roomie is" and he said "your ex-carpooler". CARPOOLER PAUL!!! i couldn't believe it! i didn't know he was working for corporate. when he left here he was returning to school to finish his degree, and i didn't realize he'd snagged a career job with us in montreal! crazy! the most insane thing about it is that i have only one friend in that office, and i've only had one carpooler. what are the chances that they would end up being officemates. i was shocked and laughed and laughed as the three of us chatted over IM. so funny. i know i talked to both of them about each other back in my carpooling days. they're both multilingual but paul always had a better grasp on english slang than michel does. so funny.

i feel uncomfortable taking photos in front of 250 people. clumsy and awkward. i could speak to them all no problem, but taking photos is not natural for me. i'm pretty sure i blushed a lot. my face betrays me.

i feel a little bit frumpy.

you got your mother's eyes,
you got your daddy's head.

map

woo-hoo! brendan got accepted to college!! he's preeettttttyyyy excited! the open house/meet&greet is on the day we leave for ireland. so we'll go first thing in the morning then hit the road for syracuse.

i don't think i've explained this on pspd yet. so... after many dead-ends and submitted resumes that received no reply, brendan saw a counsellor at keys for some coaching. he explained his situation and what he'd like a job to be. in summary she says to him "so basically you want to be in social services, not customer service". and then a lightbulb appeared above our collective head. yes! social services, why did we not think of that before. this got me thinking, and i checked out the program online, then suggested to brendan that he take a look at it (i'd left it on my computer) if he was interested. so he did, and something inside us both seemed to confirm that this was the right direction to go in.

after that brendan decided to take a job at startek. between january and august he'll be able to save for both years of tuition, plus books and fees. he'll be able to do college sans debt - WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO US! yet another confirmation that this is a good decision.

who knows what job prospects will be like in the spring of 2013, but he'll have a college diploma which will greatly improve his hirability. i think this is great. i'm super proud of b for taking this big step. and i think social work fits him perfectly. in my experience, a fraction of my classmates are working in graphic design, but the ones who really wanted to be... are! i'm confident that b will do well and i'm excited that he has clear direction. hooray for b!

like a loose balloon, i am lost and i'm loving the view.

courier

my first pair of mail-order sox arrived last night. while i did open them, i didn't try them on until this morning. i wanted to wait so i could wear them all day long. i really like them. they're black, grey and red. i actually colour coordinated my work clothes to match them. this is what they look like :D

last night i went to see my niece and nephews race their wooden cars at AWANA. i wasn't sure what to expect, and was surprised to see so many people i know. rach & jase where there, joanne was there, people from highschool, people who used to come to next, my family, my family's friends, my old doctor. it was kind of surreal actually. the kids did pretty well, and i did have a good time. my dad wanted me to come even more than the kids did. he was very excited because he'd made a car and he almost completely made joelle and caleb's. he's a very entusiastic starter.

i have to admit, in many of our wedding photos i'm disappointed in my hair. not that i wore it down, or how long it was. mostly the fact it rained and made my hair kind of go flat and unpleasant. if only i'd discovered hairspray before last june. obviously i knew about hairspray existed, but i thought it was only for keeping up-dos in place. i didn't know it could be used on down hair too. now i use it all the time! if i had today's hair at our nuptials then i'd be very happy. today's hair is awesome, and i really dig it - it's unruly, wavy, with just the right amount of texture. sometimes when i see our wedding pictures i feel disappointed about my hair but then i remind myself that it doesn't change the fact that b and i are married, and that was the whole point. even if we had no pictures at all that would be ok.

it's funny to me how men shake hands and women don't. how often do you meet a woman and shake her hand? never huh? weird.

i buried it in the falling leaves,
looking awful green,
in the whipping wind.

peachtree

she's in abu dhabi and told me that the heat is getting to her. i wish i lived in a place where the heat got to me all year long.

i'm growing suspicious that scarlet's baby has simply been written out of the plot. i skimmed ahead 40 pages looking for his name and it does not appear. how bizarre. maybe it'll be like in a soap opera when the baby disappears for a little while and then returns from some secret boarding school as a grown man.

i'd forgotten how much i love zucchini. i fried one up last night while b was at work, and then stole some of his leftovers. who needs chips or junk food when you can eat a fried zucchini. not me.

sometimes when losing weight, i get impatient with my progress and feel that i should be a size 9 already.

one time when i was younger, my mom slipped on the front step and scraped her face on the pavement. she used oil of olay cream on it and her wounds cleared up in no time. that stuff is like a crazy drug for your face. she later gave it to me for use on the occasion of my eight hickeys. they cleared up expediently as well. ever since then i've been slightly phobic of hickeys, but just to be funny and kind of ironic i gave one to brendan on our honeymoon. suddenly everything was permissible and not sleazy so i wanted to simply because i could.

there were no seeds in my packet. i'm seedless, which i guess is ok. since it's wintertime and all.

we begin downstairs and we end up up here.