xenophobe

sometimes i'm stupid, and sometimes i have mental problems... beckie just came over and gave me a swift kick in the butt.

so melissa gave me an interesting topic to discuss today "what do we want to tell ourselves and others through our choice of clothes?" intriguing question... it has always been the opinion of me and my wife melinda that clothes is a means of self-expression. for ten years now i've been wearing nothing but bellbottoms for pants. we quickly discovered that once you cross then line to bells you can't go back. wearing "tappered" pants is difficult for me, they make my ankles feel like their choking. but also, i feel more like myself in big bells similar to feeling more like myself as my hair has grown back. but what am i trying to express via my bells? hmmm, i'm not quite sure. for a long time it was "non-conformity", but as flares became more mainstream that message was lost. clothes are very revealing, they can place people in a certain genre, you can often identify a person's interests, career, taste in music by what they wear. i highly doubt anyone would be surprised to hear i'm a graphic designer by seeing how i dress - normal lesley, not business lesley... i have to admit, business lesley is a bit of a bummer. although, being a designer gives me certain liberties, that's how i can justify getting a nose ring. people will say "oh that's lesley, she's artsy" frig, my families been saying that for years!! artsy fartsy, artsy fartsy.

tomorrow, michel is coming down from st. bruno to do some training with me (st. bruno is a suburb of montreal where we have an office). i'm excited because he's gonna be training to do more work for group, which is good because it increases my value. however, i'm a little nervous because i've been working with him for 2 & a half years over the phone & over email and have never even seen a picture of him. will he be how i expect? will i live up to his expectations? he's really excited about meeting me which is really interesting. for along time i didn't think he particularly liked me, but its a french thing i think. actually he's from switzerland originally. yay! i got it right, i get switzerland & sweden confused all the time. never fails.

maybe somethings wrong with you that makes you act the way you do. maybe i am crazy too!

avocado

you know when you're just going along in life, things are going well and you've put something behind you that's been difficult to let go of. then out of the blue, life throws a wrench in your spokes?? argh, i hate that!!! but you know what?!?! i've been doing really good and i won't let this unravel me. i'm not gonna "2-step back" this time. i won't entertain the "what does this mean?" question because i know in my head it doesn't mean a thing, no matter how it looks. history & past patterns need to play a role here in reminding me to stand firm.

it's weird that doing weights at the Y is giving me callouses on my hands. its gross!! i'm not a fan of callouses, i keep hoping they're gonna go away like a blister does. they were my main deterrent to learning to play the guitar, i tried but it hurt, and my hands are kind of little. my mom was teaching me, she's very musical. she plays the guitar, piano and can play the accordian too! hahahaha. for years and years she wanted to learn how to play the drums and did a couple years back. she hasn't played the guitar (or according for that matter) for ages. its a shame i didn't take after her. i took piano lessons as a kid, but when my mom asked mrs. slack if i showed any talent she said "no" and that was the end of that. but that's ok i have other talents, maybe... joy used to make fun of me and say i didn't have any gifts or talents. then recently realized that was a horrible thing to say and appologized. i'm one of those people who was always just mediocre at everything and didn't excel at anything. but i guess as i've gotten older my skills have become more obvious. like i'm particularly good at stomping on that koopa in the castle in super mario 3... i can start driving on a hill in my standard car without needing the parking break... umm... well i'm a good designer, but i only ever got average grades in college. but graphic design is very subjective, and the people in my class who had the highest marks aren't even working in the industry, so who's laughing now?!?!? i don't mean to sound down on myself. i'm a really nice person, i'm fun and lovely (as pam would say). i guess my "soft skills" make up for my lack of "hard skills". its ok, i accept that. i'm me, and i wouldn't want it any other way...

you can't find nothing at all, if there was nothing there all along.

constant

i love dancing alone in my house. when we saw feist a few weeks ago i was watching some drunk people dance and thought "ah, that's exactly why i dance at home".

ok enough dancing, time to get down to some serious writing. you know what i think is very interesting?? several people have told me that i'm a good writer. that surprises me because even though i enjoy writing, i've always been told by teachers and my boss that i was a crappy writer. so i wouldn't have thought that's something i'm particularly good at, but other people see that quality in me. that's why relationships are so important, friends and family can identify things in us that we can't see in ourselves. it was melinda and my mom who encouraged me to become a graphic designer. i would never have considered it, i really appreciate their support and push in the right direction. i've also been told that i'm very articulate, which is another thing that surprises me. i tend to stumble over my words or combine words. i get that from my dad, i don't know if its genetic or a habit i picked up from him. its one of those nature vs. nurture questions. oh another thing (i'm apparently on a roll here), laney has said a number of times "you know yourself very well". what an interesting observation, i didn't realize that was an unusual quality. the way i see it, i spend more time with myself than anyone else, so i tend to analyse myself a great deal.

well i made some spaghetti this afternoon and packed it up for my lunch tomorrow. i'm all set for another week of work. i couldn't find any pomegranates in a&p today. oh no!! what am i gonna do?? i only have a quarter pomegranate left :(

i'd like to give a big hello and welcome to dawna! and congratulations on the birth of your baby, maya. her name is maya right? very pretty name.

i listen to the wind of my soul, where i'll end up well i think only God really knows.

buttons

when i was a kid we'd go to morrisons for lunch on saturdays pretty often. every time i'd just get a plate of french fries because i was too scared to branch out. i'm still like that, but not the same extent. anyway, everytime we went the owner (who works the till) would be like "oh, you're such a cute little girl. would you like to come home with me??" everyone would laugh and think awww, but i was really shy and never knew what to say. its kinda confusing for a little kid. today melinda and i went there for breakfast and he was still there working the till but had no idea that i was that kid grown up. it was kind of trippy.

speaking of me branching out... i'm going out for curry tonight. i'm not a huge curry fan, its that dang british palette. but i'm trying to broaden it. i've been told you have to try something 10 times to acquire a taste if you don't like it immediately. so this will probably try number 5 or 6.

i've been finding it hard writing entries lately. well actually, only yesterday and today. i think its because i have all this stuff on my mind that would actually not be appropriate or fair to talk about.

i need you so much closer.

wedge

some people are stupid, some people have mental problems.... its a harsh reality. i may get frustrated, i may not be able to fathom other people's minds. but it doesn't matter. i just have to shrug my shoulders and think "some people are stupid, some people have mental problems". what can you do?

tis the season for cinnamon hearts. oh yes, cinnamon hearts are one of my seasonal obsessions. today i ate so many that they made my tongue the same colour as my neon-pink hat. it was AWEsome.

i'm a little tired right now. i've been having a really hard time getting up in the morning. so much so that when i first get out of bed i feel like vomitting. oh man, its brutal. i am NOT a morning person. but hurray!! tomorrow is saturday and i will sleep and sleep and lie in bed until i feel like getting up. which means anytime between 12:30 and 3:00. right on!!

i like holding a pencil when i'm thinking. today, after thinking, i stuck the pencil in my hair and walked around the office like that for the entire afternoon. people kept looking at me funny, and one woman laughed at me. it wasn't holding up a bun or anything, it was just sticking out the side. i don't know why i did it. i just wanted to.

when we went to the knock knock ginger concert a few weeks back irina had a paint brush in her hair. it was awesome, like "hello... this is my housemate irina. she's in fine-art." it was great. she's in ottawa with her parents, they took her to see the ballet. it house seems lopsided without her around. irina has only lived here a few months, so i find it interesting that my brain is clueing into the fact that something's just not right without her here. i like that i talk about my brain like its a seperate entity.

one way or another we're always bound to touch the issues we try to skirt around.

stains

marilyn bought me these mitts and a toque. they're really colourful and the wool is very stringy. she saw them in a store and thought "lesley would like these, and knickers would hate them!!". that's totally awesome!! i love that she did that.

irina and i were just watching "top ten tragic deaths in rock n' roll" on much more music. i was surprised at how many i guessed ahead of time. and as expected, john lennon was number one. john is my favourite beatle. and that's saying a lot because i'm a mad beatles fan.

i find it interesting that some people are just born old, and other people stay young their whole lives. there are people who as they get older they seem more like themselves, and other people leave you thinking "what?? that person is 62??" seriously. joy's a little bit like that first option, where i'm like the second option. being a mom suits her. i'll settle for the fave aunt who will take joelle to get her nose pierced and will give caleb a mohawk. i gave joel a mohawk once, twice maybe. sarah, do you remember that? it was when he was going through that blond-hair stage. man, that joel, he's a character.

i'm toying with the idea of creating a website. i think i'll have to talk to tim forbes for some advise. but seriously, as a designer it would be a good idea. what if i get laid off and need to find a job? having a website would be a good way of showcasing my work. also, i don't know a lot about web design, but am starting to dabble with in via work, and creating a webpage would be a good way to practise that. expand my ability a little. however, the question is... what will i have on this site? i don't really know. but i got thinking about ed today, this guy i went to college with. he's a good friend of matt's (they both have small wrists, so they formed "the small wrist possé"). he has a nice little and rather vague website for self-promotion. its actually really nice. i like the photography section inparticular. here have a look see. i'm gonna brain storm on this one for a while.

i wish that i knew what i know now when i was younger

some people have beards

HELP, HELP, THIS WOMAN NEEDS HELP!!
will someone please point me in the direction of the path of MOST resistance??

i have a problem... and he wears a red t-shirt.

i find it interesting that my sister is always telling me "just be yourself", but what if yourself is someone who's incredibly neurotic??

i'd like to get into the habit of flossing regularly. is once a day enough? perhaps i should floss after every meal? i wonder what the dentist would say? well not my dentist because he's a lunatic. oh, that reminds me, it was about this time of year a couple years back that i got my wisdom teeth out. i should post a pic. its very scary. prepare yourself, what you're about it see is shocking and not suitable for the faint-hearted....

you know what i just realized?? i used to have this crazy superstition about january. i could think of something bad that happened in january for about 5 years straight. but you know what?? last year nothing bad happened!! so i guess that's done. i think its partly to do with making better decisions. yay, for making better decisions!! life is what you make it. good decisions or bad decisions, ultimately up to you.

oh i do believe in all the things you say
what comes is better than what came before

crack addicts

i went to "the banff film festival world tour" tonight with kristen. it was really narly!! most of them were about extreme sports, like free-ride biking, white-water rafting, parachuting, skiing and so on. it got me all pumped. not like i'm going to go out there and try some extreme sport. i'm way too clumsy and accident prone for that. i got wondering "who are these people, and how can they afford this sport? don't they have jobs? how can they spend all their time traveling around jumping off high things??" i couldn't do that, i have to go to work. i'm all a slave to my osap loan so even if i wanted to be adventurous i'm hindered. however, i realized... one day soon (well not soon exactly, but in a few years) i'll have that osap loan paid off, i'll have enough years experience under my belt as a designer that i could take off and do something different and radical for a while. now i'm all glad i didn't buy that house, because after my osap i won't have any ties or obligations and will be FREE!! hurray!! oh, kristen didn't realize i bailed on the house thing. obviously it's been a while since we talked. actually, talking to KT was an inspiration in itself, she's talking about moving to far off places and was convincing me my nose isn't too small for a nose ring. well much to think about. maybe its not "life in a convent" for me after all.

hey melinda stop reading over my shoulder as i write. and yes, i will leave this sentence in my entry...

i told someone something a long time ago i meant it at the time but now i just don't know.

wake up

ok so, i performed my civic duty today by voting for the Marxist-Leninist party. hahahaha. don't ask...

i finished my 10" square for the student's against poverty quilt on saturday, but had unfortunately missed the deadline. so i emailed the girl and she said the date had been pushed back so i could still drop off my square at the gray house before 9:30... now, i didn't go to queen's so i wasn't EXACTLY sure where the gray house was. ah, the infamous gray house. i've definately heard about it, but didn't know where it was located. so after leaving the Y – still on a post-workout high – i ventured down to queen's to drop off my square. i parked outside stirling because that's where tim works and so it's semi familar to me. i started walking around and realized i had no idea where i was going but somehow sensed i was sort of in the right area. i got thinking "i know a lot of students, where's all these students i know to help me out??" but realized i probably know less than 1% of the student population (actually its probably more like 0.1%. i think i was over-estimating because all the students i know seem to know each other. weird.) so anyways, i was right about stirling, however, i was on the wrong side. the thought did cross my mind "why would the students i know be hangin out around stirling?? i don't know any physics geeks!" oh, except tim. he's a physics geek. he's going back to do his PH.D in medical physics. ooh, he's so brainy. he's the smartest brother-in-law you could ever have! he graduated 12th in his class!! yup, i'm bragging about timmy. its all good, he brags about me too ;)

you may not realize when its done or why, but it may be the best thing.

hobo

i feel very mediocre today. this evening beckie came over and between her, melinda and irina they had all these really crazy stories about their weekends. now, i didn't feel mediocre in comparison to them, however hearing their stories only emphasized to me how dull my life is. poo.

that was a very tongue-in-cheek statement, my life isn't actually dull. its just feels very dry right now. i feel like i need something spicy to happen. you know what i'd like?? i'd really like to get some kind of mysterious valentine card from a secret admirer. but here's the catch... it has to be from someone who is NOT creepy. argh. not gonna happen...

well i suppose i need to get used to having an uneventful life if i'm going to join a nunnery. i wonder if i'll still be able to wear my accessories or they'll make me remove them. i don't think i'd make a very good nun. however, i'm already celibate so that wouldn't be the problem. i'm just not much of a conformist and being told what to do really irritates me.

leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment

sweet dark

so for those of you who don't know... my church has just released a cd. all the songs were written and performed by people at the church, as well as recorded at a church member's studio and the cd case was done by tim forbes in collaboration with shari doseger. wow, that's pretty impressive. there really IS a lot of homegrown talent in this church.

aside from that, its a really awesome cd!! all the songs are really good. its funny because when i first heard the cd, and thought "wow, this sounds so different than when we sing this song at church!! this is how its SUPPOSED to sound". its too bad that we really slaughter some of those songs on sunday mornings.

when i picked up the cd from rhonda she mentioned "its nice having a little piece of next at home". and that's exactly how i feel. i was listening to it at work yesterday and got all 'homesick' for next. man, i'd much rather go to next everyday and only go to work for one hour a week. but alas, that's not how life works. but seriously, i got all nostalgic, thinking over my last year and how great its been. i love been a part of this community, and i really feel like i belong. i've felt that since my first day there. aww, i love my church (gush...).

well i'm gonna go change my sheets, then go to bed so i can wake up on time and go to next! hurray!! ;)

penance

what does it mean to be sorry? and how sorry do you have to be until its ok again? how would it feel to live your life continually paying for mistakes you made 20 years ago and never escape the skeletons in your closet?

rock of ages

no one can see me, hear me, tell me, touch me, push me or pull me. no one can take away what you can give me. make me clean again.

bonfire

it ain't easy being a girl...

does anyone else feel that being a woman should constitute you as certifiably insane?? man, i feel that way sometimes. with all these emotions and conclusion jumping... i dunno.

i'd like to mellow out a bit. i remember talking to my mom once, telling her i'd like to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and be more mysterious. and she laughed at me. she literary laughed at me and said "hahaha, YOU be MYSTERIOUS!!!" hahaha, what a funny reaction. maybe i should just accept the constant drama of my life. that's just me i suppose. actually, its NOT just me, i'm surrounded by over the top women!!!

i wouldn't mind being certifiably insane. actually, i have this fantasy about living in some kind of institution. like prison or a nunnery or an old folks home. well we all have our crazy fantasies. andrew fantasizes about vandelizing electronic signs. hahahaha. and melinda has fantasies about FANTA. ahahahaha.

well i should go. ciao.

i'm nearly missing all my marbles, this is not a perfect plan.

dirt road

our internet was down all day yesterday. how annoying.

last night i went to see feist at a.j.'s. i've never actually been there before so that was an interesting experience in itself. i went with melinda & andrew and met up with chelsea & todd. in typical kingston fashion, i saw hords of people i knew. when i first got there, i spotted cas and alison, which was a total riot because i saw cas at the knock, knock ginger concert on saturday. they're super great girls.

andrew and todd were sharing some of the mysteries of the male psyche. it was most informative. did you know that most guys assume that ALL girls like them? and that they think they're in so much demand that they have a whole list of girl to choose from? well, i find that pretty disgusting. and aggravating. and frustrating. and annoying. and good to know ;)

so who else did i see last night? well, i saw one of beckie's co-workers from minotaur. i saw Jeremy from my last life-drawing class (who i've seen at church about twice. next time i see him there, i'm gonna get up the guts to talk to him). i saw mike gowing. saw melinda's old crush with his "little girlfriend". some girl from frontenac (who apparently kept staring at us).

i like that me and feist have the same name. that's so cool. she's so rockin'. although, her facial expressions kept reminding me of this girl i used to know and it was hitting a nerve. but whatev. i had a really good time, and i wasn't even tired!! i had a nap in the afternoon. i'm usually a bad napper because i wake up angry, but yesterday i was alright. so inspite the fact that i went to bed at 1:30 last night, i'm doing ok this morning. felt like throwing up first off, but after that i was fine. i even was alert enough to have a conversation with irina at the breakfast table.

pyscho alpha disco beta

today is ask a "question day" here at pspd.

if you have a question HIT ME WITH IT!! come on, i know you have one in there somewhere. think over the entries you've read, has there be anything that made you wonder about the background story? or maybe there's something about me as a person or my life you'd like to know more about.

here's some examples...
"when did you live in T.O.?"
"what caused your bum knee?"
"why did you decide to go into graphic design?"

i don't know. whatever you want. come up with a doosy. i dare you.

darn, i hope this idea doesn't flop. come on people, don't leave me hangin. frig, if you're embarrassed of your question, submit it anonymously. i don't care. i just want to answer the questions weighing on the minds of the general public.

Tell me what you wanna know
Oh come on, oh come on, oh come on

blindness

so is anyone else going to the feist concert on wednesday?? i understand their selling 900 tickets. wow. impressive. no doubt i'll see some people i know. i always see nexters at concerts. we're well represented on the concert front.

i've continued to be good at resisting the urge to check my email at work. it's getting easier now. yay!!

hahaha. when i wear my pink toque with a ponytail it makes me look like i have a mullet. and strangely enough.... i kind of like it. that's surprising. to me at least.

a couple weeks back i came home to find an NDP sign on our lawn. i went inside and asked melinda if she knew it was there. she did and wondered if it was ok. i told her "MELINDA! YOU KNOW I DON'T SUPPORT CANADIAN POLITICS!!" (full of passion, not rage) argh, i hate canadian politics... grrr. i vote green, not particularly because i agree with their stance on things, more because i think its the better choice among well recognized parties. joy tried to convince me to vote for the christian hertiage party since she knows i hate the mainstream parties. but that defeats the purpose. the point i'm trying to make is that i don't like our options, not that i'm religious. regardless... our NDP sign has gone missing and ironically i think one of our neighbours stole it, because an NDP sign coincidentally appeared on his lawn the same day ours went missing. who steals a free sign!!! our nutty neighbour gloria has a green party sign on her lawn. i'm thinking about pinching it and putting it on our lawn ;)

i don't much like thinking of myself as a cup of tea made in a bucket, but i suppose in a way it must be true.

kamasutra

they say revenge is sweet. but its actually quite disappointing. they also say living well is the best revenge. but the thing is, you can't have revenge on someone if they don't care two pins about you. it just doesn't work. they really couldn't care less if you live well or not. argh. i just wanna point and laugh!! but that's just not gonna happen, the opportunity will never arise.

i'm procrastinating knitting right now. i've been really excited about this new knitting project i have up my sleeve, i went and bought this really nice wool today. and when i sat down to start, i discovered how difficult this pattern is. melissa told me it wouldn't be too hard, and i could do it, so i figured she must be right. however, i think she's overly confident in my ability. it's too hard. i'm going to have to disregard the instructions and just go by the picture. well seriously, i already bought the wool and i'm all jazzed about it...

last night i went to that concert at the grad club i told you about. it was really great!! it was so funny because i knew hords of people there. everytime i turned around there was someone else i knew. like seriously, everyone and their dog was there. well not exactly their dogs, and not exactly everyone, because unless you are meghan or melinda you weren't there. meghan's gonna put me on the guest list for "fake prom". hahahhaaha. isn't that hilarious??

i wanna give a shout out to paul & sarah butler, who i understand are frequent visitors to pspd. and a special mention of kathryn, my homie keeping it real in dryden - we miss you!!

you know... today at church brenda was saying a large number of people feel deep inside "if you really knew what i'm actually like, you wouldn't like me". i was giggling to myself in my head, because i'm the opposite. i feel like "if only you knew how AWESOME i am..." hahahha. i think some people are replused by myself confidence. but i can definately relate to self-degradation. i've totally been there, but it can be overcome.

take power in the power of the word

flaming finger

this has been an eventful day.

joy and my dad have been in the lion, witch and the wardrobe play at bayridge (alliance church) and i went to the matinee today. i took rhonda and isaac with me. it was really nice to have them along. although i didn't leave that church on back terms, i still felt like i needed a cushion. i hate going there. i don't know why. i can't pin down my exact reason. but anyway, rhonda and isaac agreed to come along. the one problem turned out to be getting there. my backseat belts are stretched out to the max and would only safely protect a horribly obese person. so isaac's carseat didn't properly fit, and he couldn't go in the front either. so after many different attempts we ended up straping him into the middle seat with the lap belt. i was very nervous as i drove, because i know that isaac means the world to rhonda. but we arrived just fine, and only a few minutes late. the play was actually quite fabulous, and they did an excellent job. joy and dad were in the white witches army all dressed in black & scary to the max. i'm really surprised that my dad was in the play, it was so strange seeing his name in the program. the truth is... i was proud of him. seeing him made me giggle, and i shrugged it of saying "oh he's a weirdo", but the thing is (and really i don't think i could ever say this outloud) my dad is very much a novelity to me. he's been the parent who has always been out of reach. but i love him, and i wish things could have been different for us. i suppose its not too late, and as much as he sometimes drives me crazy, i'm glad that he's in my life. its better late than never.

after the play, we went to chucke cheese! it was so much fun. i'm really glad we went. isaac's so awesome because it doesn't take much to thrill him, and inspite the fact that the games rarely gave him more than just a few tickets he was constantly like "wow!! i got 2 tickets!!" meanwhile, the kid at the machine beside him would be getting like 40. rhonda did manage to find one really awesome/easy game that would spit out hords of tickets. so he ended up with 84, which he's going to save for his next visit. we saw one man get 546!! its crazy!!

you fake just like a woman,
you ache just like a woman,
but you break just like a little girl

matchbook

frig, i love sinéad o'connor.

believe it or not, i was called "untalkative" today. wow!! when i got to the Y tonight the guy behind the counter said to the other guy behind the counter "here's my favourite untalkative person. she never wants to talk, but just keeps going". that made me smile and blush, and of course, keep going. i didn't realize he wanted to talk to me, i figured that it was their job to try and make conversation with the members. after that, i thought to myself "why didn't i notice how cute he was before??" i'd say on the 'lesley attractiveness scale' he's a 9. which is very high. i don't usually give such a high rating. he's handsome. now, does it sound like he was flirting with me? lately i can't differeniate between flirting and friendly.

it was interesting having mim and ron over for dinner last week (they were the leaders of our youth group when we were teenagers), ron was saying i was quite the flirt. he's probably right.

i was noticing at the Y i have nicknames in my head for everyone... hairy neck guy. sweaty guy. maybe gay guy. curly-hair-guy-who-i-hate. earring guy. blind guy. tirnanog girl. butchy girl. girl-who-doesn't-like-me. the co-dependent girls. skinny girl. pregnant girl. and so on. well obviously not for EVERYONE. you can see the influence of seinfeld on my life. its my fave show. well sitcom. hmm, i wonder what name i'd give me. oh i know "keeps to herself girl".

its like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin