you know... i don't think i can handle this bouncing back and forth very well. this is a unique problem and not one i should complain about.
i received mail from france today. it was one of those classic moments when you hold the envelop to your chest. i've got a number of things i need to send out in the mail. i should really get on that.
i wonder... do you have to be straight-forward for things to go straight-forward? because my sister is really stable and everything goes smoothly for her. i'm very random and sporadic person. does this explain why my life is random and sporadic?
devious one – i wish you were here. we could go to the movies.
i'm passive aggressive. i totally am. i'm feeling spiteful. i was going to say today, but no its really only this last hour. and i shouldn't. i should be understanding. since i actually do understand, but i'm spiteful just the same. can't even imagine how livid i'll be tomorrow morning. being prepared doesn't even prepare me.
ok well i'll just admit it, my sister is turning 30 tomorrow and its causing me to look at my own mortality. hahaha. just kidding. not mortality, but my own aging. because i'm next in line. it first goes tim, then joy, then me. i'm freaked out and i know why. i'm going to tell you even though i'm kind of embarrassed. i know i don't look 26 (about to turn 27), i know i don't act 27, but the truth is... i AM biologically 27. and i'm scared that by the time i'm emotionally ready and have met the right person, it'll be too late for me to have kids. there. there it is. now, before you console me by saying "you can adopt", that's true and i'm sure that would be an awesome experience, but i'd still like it to be my own decision and not because i have no other options. if there was no expiry date on having kids, i don't think aging would bother me at all. and to clarify, i'm frickin relieved i have no kids right now. uh-oh, i'm about to fall down the spiral staircase of "why do the number of fabulous single women out number the number of fabulous single men". look at me, i have no right to be complaining about that because i like two guys at once. hahahaha, but truth be known, neither are emotionally available to me, so i'm no further ahead.
ok in other news... did i tell you i rode a motorcycle when i was in kenya? i rode home with daniel from rva one night. it was totally awesome. in kenya, the slang is "piggy". you ride a piggy. i'd never been on a motorcycle before. it IS totally fun. ooooh vespa, here i come :)
you make me totally insane. i'm not sure if it'll ever wear off. but the truth is i wouldn't want it any other way.
i need a hug. a frickin good one. the kind that lasts til 4 in the morning.
i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.
11 comments:
way to make all people over the age of 27 feel ancient!
i'm going to be 35 in 2 weeks. now that's hard to look at in print.
but aphra, you have a kid! having a kid cancels out the urgency to not age. there's nothing wrong with getting older at all! i just wish i didn't worry about my biological clock :( am i the only girl out there that thinks this way????????
btw: i really didn't mean to make you feel old :)
oh, just want to clarify, i don't REALLY want kids till i'm about 34, but still, i worry now. i realize that's 7 years away and a million things can happen before then but ya. i'm crazy. and a little full of self-doubt.
Some interesting math going on here. But having kids makes you age faster, so therefore cannot cancel the urgency not to age. I'm making this stuff up.
Myron wants another kid, but I'm not too sure. I didn't want to be pregnant after 35, but hey, people can still have kids into their 40s. Just they are probably pretty tired! 34 sounds like a good goal. I'd have that goal myself if I wasn't 2 weeks away from not being it!
hmmm, you know aphra, i would never have guessed you're turning 35.
ya, you're probably right. but i have my mom's own fears echoing in my head. when she had my sister she was 30 and was told she was an "old mother" and i think that has always bothered her. it's hard to shake someone elses issues. argh.
i'm just going to have to trust God i guess.
I worry about my clock as well. I always thought that I would be married and have at least one kid by now. Bu thems the breaks! Trusting that this is all a part of the plan is a comfort that I have.
I think that I am ready for it all.. it just is not happening at the moment.
happy that you got a letter.
if you want to go to a movie sometime... just give a call.
i wouldn't worry about your biological clock too much. One of my co-workers just had her first baby and she is 42! You have plenty of time.
You know, i think guys probably go through this same stuff, it just creeps up slllloooooooowly behind them and then BAM! It's a blow to the head from Father Time. I think it's the fact that it hits us all at once that makes us go through mid-life crises.
At any rate, a baby is great and all, but so is all the stuff that leads up to that point...don't rush that or groan its slow advance. You'll have a guy, a kid, and a crazy sporadic household to match, and you'll love it. EVEN if you're 38 when it happens.
-David
My mom had her last (of 5) babies at 30. She seems to be on the same wave length as your mom. Once you hit 30, you're an old mother.
But I really think it's a generational thing. In our mom's day, it seems like most women started having babies in their 20's. Now a days, I seem to know more women starting in their 30's. 30 is not considered an old mom by any standard anymore. Neither is 35. And I know of people who started at 40. And they don't seem to have less patience or energy than I do.
Just ignore your mom! Like you said, it's her issue. Don't make it yours.
hello?? no, you are not the only chica to think that way - I do too.
my dilemma has morphed a bit over the years... i used to have your identical worry, but now I ask myself two questions:
1. do i actually and for real ever want to have kids?
2. would it really be that reprehensible to have kids by myself? like, be an intentional single parent?
and as for the old mother thing.. old moms get more respect and less flack from outsiders. it isn't all bad I've heard. people often assume young moms don't know what they're doing.
ps I dyed my hair purple last night!
wow, lots'o comments on this one :) thanks all, i appreciate your "get a grip on reality" and "you're normal" feedback.
yes, i have considered adopting as a single lady eventually, and no it wouldn't be so bad. i know this since i was raised by a single parent and its the only kind of parenting i can imagine doing, but i'd like to give a kid the chance at a family that i didn't have.
i won't worry about it. remind me when i'm turning 37 ok?
love you guys, or girls rather. or girls and guy. hahaha
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