i have found that once something is thought to be certain it immediately becomes uncertain. upon concluding something is permanent it subsequently gets taken away from me. i feel like i live above water, and every once in a while it gets stirred and washes everything away. what can i say? what can i do? all i know is that it doesn't work the same way for crappy things. upon accepting something is miserable, the misery usually remains.
i feel rattled, and unfortunately it will take some time to recover.
the festival was great yesterday and it reminded me that my stage of life is A-OK and i wouldn't want to be in any other phase. i'm questioning myself and the things i always thought i wanted. marriage. children. thankfully i don't have to make any life changing decisions right now, but i'm plagued with doubts about whether or not i want children. i'm not convinced i'd make a good mother. i am not maternal. the thought of having to teach and instruct another human being – educate them about the world they live in – just seems like an enormous task and not something i'm even remotely up to. yes, i know all the token pep-talks "you could do it", "it's different with your own child", "maternal instincts will kick in". i'm aware of all these things, i just am doubting if that's something i actually want to do. i suppose that if i met the right person i'd be happy to squeeze out his child, that's not really the issue. i'm simply turning a deaf ear to my biological clock and it's not intimidating me anymore.
how did i get onto that topic?!?! i guess it's just something that's really been saturating my thoughts after spending a week observing families up-close and far-away.
my neighbour gave me a bottle of red wine and a calendar for taking care of her cat while she was on her own family vacation (and swearing she'd never do that again). i've never been given a bottle of wine before. i feel like such a grown-up.
on that note: i've concluded i'll truly be a grown-up when i stop feeling a need to announce "look at me! i'm a grown-up!" just like joelle will actually be a big girl when she stops telling everyone "i'm a big girl!"
well i suppose i need to get into bed so that i might sleep off this hung-over feeling i have from being up so late last night. feeling exhausted is not the ideal condition for returning to work after holidays.
beckie has just returned home. i'm outtie here.
nobody gives a damn either way.
5 comments:
"i'm not convinced i'd make a good mother... the thought of having to teach and instruct another human being – educate them about the world they live in – just seems like an enormous task and not something i'm even remotely up to."
me too. everyday. i'm sure most mothers would agree. fear not!
i wish james would think he was a big boy. he won't even go outside in our fenced backyard without me there.
hm, it never occurred to me that most moms feel that way. i guess i always assumed they felt privileged or something.
right now i'm quite certain i don't want kids. i'm just afraid of making a decision i can't go back on later. i kind of hope i change my mind in about 7 years, when there's still time. but for now, i'm totally freaked out and am happy to be back in a primarily adult existence.
When you put it that way (quoted by Dawna), it terrifies me too! To death! But knowing that i am not alone and that God gives me the strength in my weaknesses... its still scary, but do-able!
I do feel privileged to be a mom, but it's like being handed something of infinite value and not knowing what to do with it, living in fear that you're going to mishandle and somehow damage it.
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