joystick

i find it funny that they're called "thighs" on men too.

i think i saw don cherry drive by my house today in a funeral procession. although, i can't be sure because i didn't have my glasses on. but i'm pretty sure it was him, he was wearing a high collared shirt, or a neck brace......

it's been a lovely long weekend. absolutely perfect. my house is the most tidy/organized it's ever been. i got to relax a lot AND still get to spend time with friends. friday feels a long time ago now. i like the slow-paced life. i sort of wish the weekend was just starting instead of finishing.

i can see your years in my reflection.

re-hashing

melinda and i went to parrots bay today!

this is exciting because i pass it everyday, twice a day, on my way to and from work. and for the last 4.5 years i've been thinking "i should go there sometime". i'm very excited to finally have done it. it was really beautiful, and in many ways i think it blows lemoine's point out of the water. in other ways it's WAY creepier. like, check out this eerie car. it's one of two discarded cars in the parrots bay conservation area. they made us very uncomfortable.


on our way there, i wanted to show melinda my office because it was so close by. it was very cool because i've never had the chance to ever show anyone my cubicle before. i liked it a lot, i wish i could show more people where i work. she really liked my cube, and thought my raised desk was neat. so fun :)

sometimes i like just sitting on couches telling people crazy stories from my life. it's especially fun when they react with as much excitement and enthusasium as i feel about my tales. thank you for affirming me, and assuring me that it's not all in my head.

the weightless words the heart attracts.
i want it all.

clothes peg

i'm watching the most beautiful lightening storm outside my window.

i've spent the day doing a necessary overhaul of the maxi-pad. it's been messy for an unreasonable length of time, and unorganized for even longer. i'm quite pleased with today's accomplishments. i feel like my home is taking shape. i'm not naturally an orderly person, but i thrive in organization, so i realize it's important to make the effort to stay on top of everything. although, that doesn't mean i always succeed. without question i have an incredible little apartment. i can't tell you how many times i've been grateful i didn't buy a house.

we are comrades. so different and yet the same.

i wonder sometimes if i've used up my quota. if i've been blessed beyond measure and i can't expect anything more.

time can paint the picture for you.

york

june has turned out to be quite the month for new things. this evening rhonda and i went on a 1000 islands dinner cruise. this is her last night of freedom before her mom heads back to newfoundland, and we wanted to make the most of it. we got all dressed up and thoroughly enjoyed the occasion. it was really neat. the food was really good and the entertainment was very entertaining. i like being creative and doing new things – although, that should be obvious by now. i learned that there are actually 2,800 islands in the "1000 islands" and that to be qualified as an island a landmass has to be at least 6 sq. ft with 2 trees on it. interesting.

oh my goodness. i'm so excited that it's a long weekend. i think one of the best parts of having a day off, is knowing the night before that you don't have to go to work the next day.

it's a trade off. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. there's really no comparison. society is making me feel guilty about my six. it's as though i shouldn't be entitled. ok, maybe society is not to blame, it's probably just my psychosis. i guess sometimes i want to feel as though it's ok, that i'm fine and acceptable just as i am. i don't always want to fight this uphill battle, and feel as though i have to convince people that i'm up to par. i wonder if everyone actually thinks i'm a second-rate citizen or if i just feel like they do.

let me pick the best fruit from your tree.

affidavit

is it just me... or is it normal to feel invincible and vulnerable at the same time.

i can't put into words what i'm feeling right now. i wish i could post the melody of this song. it tells it all.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how other people perceive me. i don't generally get my self-worth from other people, and i'm not a people-pleasure so i don't particularly care what others think. what i've been wondering is how i come across to other people, whether or not it's the same as how i perceive myself. i'm been particularly wondering about what negative things people might say about me behind my back. i wonder if i've would be shocked and horrified, if i'd agree with them, or come up with petty excuses for my behaviour. i dunno. i guess i'd rather not know. all i can do is apologize for all my short-comings. regardless, i've concluded that my reflection looks different to myself than to those around me. it makes me curious about this version of myself i've never met. i wonder if i'd like her and what i'd think.

i dunno, i feel like people (strangers/acquaintances) look at me different in my new car. i find that puzzling. why should my vehicle make any difference.

i'm blossoming. and it's not even raining.

one by one the seasons change you.

headphones

i got the distinct impression that she didn't approve of my rock-and-a-hard-place lifestyle. but that's how i work. i don't give up on things until it's very obvious that it's time to move on. i prefer when circumstances force me in a specific direction. maybe i'm just lazy, or not much of a chance taker, but certainty is just about the only thing i can handle. right now we're in limbo, but it feels more like purgatory. i don't like it. but sometimes we live thru experiences we don't enjoy. i know this. i've learned to live with it. but that doesn't make me less inclined to speed thru to the other side.

i wonder how you spell severance package.

how can i practice when i can't find the time!?!?

it's hard to be objective. i'm pretty sure he could smear poop on a board and i'd think it's magical. it's a problem i have.

it's only uncertainty and most of which won't bother me.

dickey-dee

this evening FLEW by. i wish it could last another 4 hours. i didn't nearly get done everything i'd wanted to, although, i did enjoy everything i did.

i have this problem where i could eat zucchini infinitely. part of me thinks i should just go chop up a dozen zucchinis, fry them up and eat them until i'm completely full. i wonder if it would end there....

are good actions canceled out by bad motives? i like to check my motives, and honestly they're not always good. but most of the time i conclude doing this deed is good and valuable regardless of my attitude or motive behind it. usually my heart catches up with the rest of me.

at times it feels like i'm standing still while the world spins around me, instead of the other way around. i'm stationary. everything else is shape-shifting.

it's upsetting when my predictions come true. i'd rather be happy than right.

didn't have all that much to say.

pulse

i like doing stuff. i really do. sometimes i get really tired of talking all the time. i like doing stuff, and talking while the doing is taking place. let's all do stuff more often. but don't let that dissuade you from hanging out with me, i like tea and knitting too. just right now i feel a need to do stuff. doing stuff is great.

shannon and i tie-dyed this evening. we'd never done it before, and were super excited. we each did four or five items: t-shirts, underwear, haltertops, a table cloth. it was really neat and easy once we got the hang out it. it's funny because they all look really similar because we kept using the same colour dye over and over :) my hands are purple, they look bruised.

this is shannon being excited over our tie-dyed stuff. she's holding the underpants she dyed for her mom. she's not wearing her regular clothes – they are her tie-dying clothes.

sometimes it takes me WAY too long to write my entry because i spend a really long time finding the right quote. i'm very particular.

i've got a bad idea again.

accordion

emotions are affected by words. sometimes i find i feel something more strongly once i talk about it outloud. i become more frustrated or more infatuated after sharing my feelings with someone. i have to be careful or my feelings will get carried away. other times, i become less angry or less hurt once i talk it out.

yesterday we had a fantastic time at skeleton park music festival. i say 'we' because i speak for everyone on my blanket and in my general vicinity. i think even brenda, who broke her toe in a three-legged race, had fun :) it was really neat because joy & tim came with the kids for a couple hours in the morning. joelle made a craft in the kids area and the boys played on the climber. joy said she and tim felt a little out of their element because they're "not cool", but they still had a really good time. i think it's good for them to be exposed to another culture and i personally really enjoyed introducing them a little more to my lifestyle and community.

i haven't yet mastered dancing like no one is watching.

i'm really loving my new wheels. i really enjoy driving it a lot which means i'm tempted to drive places that i should walk to. although, on the other hand the mojo-mobile use more gas that the batmobile, which encourages me to walk as often as i can. it feels like a catch 22. this is my third car that i haven't had to go shopping for.

when people tell me that they're jealous i say "thank you" i'm not really sure if that's the correct answer or not, but it feels appropriate. like, i think usually people just shrug that sort of thing off, and secretly feel flattered. but i dunno, i just don't feel comfort being that smug because i know i'm incredibly blessed and am keenly aware of the fact that i can't take credit for anything.

my dad's so funny. he can't type, but boy, could he lay a brick if he had to.

i'm a roller coaster turning round
you look me up when i'm upside-down.

AFVB 173

i got my car today! i bought a 2000 honda crv. it's bright red. for the last 4 years i've been wanting a completely impractical car. something that makes people say "huh? that's YOUR car?". that's not why i bought my new crv, but it's a definite bonus. yes, i have no need for a small suv, but the opportunity arose to buy it at a less than reasonable price, so i took it. i'm pretty excited. i feel really high up, and it's so roomy! i'm gonna really take care of it, i learned the hard way the downside of not maintaining your car. it's been a little tricky to get used to but i think i'm slowly figuring it out. the gear box feels different when i change gears, and the gas pedal is really sensitive. you know, just normal different car stuff.

i've named it the mojo-mobile. not to be confused with "mofo". and i've put one of my apple stickers on the back bumper. i've been saving those stickers since i got my computer for something cool enough to be worthy of them. i wanted to use the stickers that came with my first mac that were of the original apple symbol, but i didn't want people to confuse it with another rainbow symbol often used on car bumpers.

i went strawberry picking this evening with shannon, rhonda, isaac and rhonda's mom 'dot'. shannon and i'd never been strawberry picking before. it was great. the strawberries were so juicy and ripe. they just smush and melt in your mouth. delightful :) it was really fun and exciting (in it's own way). now i have 2 lbs of strawberries in my fridge and i'm allergic to them so i can't eat many at a time. i think i'll take an allergy pill then gorge myself tomorrow :p

she's my safety-net. i don't know what i'll do with out her. or what'll happen over the next couple of months. but i won't be afraid.

don't you worry it'll all work out.

causeway

the front half of my house remains in catastrophic state, plus, i'm running low on dishes and have resorted to drinking juice and milk out of mugs. except, i'm now all out of juice so i've taken to drinking old flat ginger ale that's been in the fridge since who knows when. i'm running low on the basics. me and the knickers. we're like bachelors. except she's a widow, and i'm a bachelorette.

we agreed that he did not impress us. she thought he was evil and i thought he was overrated.

i heard on the cbc today that gas prices are expected to reach $2.25/litre. which means eventually it may cost me 100 bux to fill my tank. so i've decided that in july i'll start advertising for a car-pooler. i figure we can take turns driving, one week in my car, one week in their car. that'll save us having to exchange money AND it's more likely to appeal to someone because most people have a hard time relinquishing their car (myself included). i'm crossing my fingers that i won't get any creepy people responding to my poster in the cafeteria. with my luck i will. although there aren't that many creepy people at my work, but there are number of men who are more friendly then i'd like them to be. oddly enough, at work i generally don't socialize with anyone i don't need to. i guess that's because i make a lot of effort to socialize with strangers outside of work that somehow think i'm off the hook at the office. anyways, barely anyone lives downtown, so i might get lucky, it might eliminate most of my unpreferred candidates. man, sometimes i can sound like such a jerk....

tell us what's going on,
feel's like everything's wrong.

blinking

i bought a canoe chair today. kate had one and let me use it at wolfe island music festival last year. they're really neat. i wanted to get it to use at skeleton park this saturday. this is what it looks like. this is how you sit in it (minus the arm gesture). they're kind of a back saver when you're sitting on the ground for long periods of time.

i cleaned out my car today. i did a complete detailing of it for the first time ever. my batmobile is 15 years old and has served me well for 6 years, as it did my sister before me. i wish i'd treated it better, taken better care of it. it's been a good dependable car. the end of our long-term relationship draws near. i had to clean it out because i'm expecting a call any day now that my new car is ready, and i'll take my 93' civic to strathcona for the trade. seeing it so clean and kempt makes me i wish i'd cleaned it that thoroughly for myself from time to time. joy and i both feel a strong nostalgic connection to that car. as silly as it seems i feel like a little more of my childhood goes with it. that's the car i grew into a women in. it was my coming of age car.

it's much easier to keep secrets when there's one one around to tell them to.

it's a small world after all – pang makes local news! clickity

it feels a little worse
than when we drove our hearse
right through that screaming crowd.

screensaver

what makes a killer song? is it the music or the lyrics? or is it the perfect marriage of music + lyrics??

i'm wearing my hoodie inside out and scheming up a storm. i need a massage and some permanent ink.

let's petition him once daily in hopes that he might hear our prayers.

you're on. you, me and yahtzee.

i know it's complicated,
but don't you think giving up is so overrated?

jello

there's one simple pleasure that beats starting a new book – finishing a great book.

sometimes the obvious has to be stated. it feels unnecessary and yet stating the obvious can do so much.

when i spend too much time with crazy people i begin to accept their reality as mine. actually, not too much time, ANY amount of time. which is bad and scary. because they're not seeing things as they actually are. i wish i had a better external filter to defuse what others are saying. i already have enough internal conflicts, i don't need other people throwing logs on the fire.

joelle (turning 5), caleb (just turned 3)

my dad (a.k.a. granddad) and liam (3.5 mos
– he's wearing clothes joelle & caleb fit into at 6 mos)

i had my family over for dinner this evening. it was nice. i think i'm just going to leave my dishes until tomorrow. ya. i think i'm gonna. yup. that's what i'm going to do.

i made my dad a card for father's day. i've decided i'm never buying cards again but instead will just make them out of cardboard and magazine clippings. i used my card as an opportunity to tell him that he makes me feel loved and valued. and that i appreciate how much of an interest he has in all that i do. and that i'm proud of him. he's a good dad.

you know more than you think you do.

whimsical

this morning i snuck out of church and ran to the corner store to buy some deodorant because i forgot to put some on when i got dressed.

which do you guys think is cheaper: food basics or no frills? i usually go to food basics on my way home from work, but this afternoon i went to no frills, and i definitely noticed some things were cheaper, while other things were more expensive. hm.

on my way home from the grocery store i stopped in at "the original hockey hall of fame" which is located at the corner of york and alfred. i've passed it many times and have often thought "i should go in there sometime". i'm not a hockey fan, but you know, it's yet another thing i've never done before. as i walked in i was kind of excited, but it turns out there's a 5 dollar admission fee and i didn't think it was worth it so i left.

i've been doing a massive overhaul of my apartment because i've been living in squaller for the last little while. plus my family is coming over here tomorrow for some father's day festivities. to make room in my kitchen for the extra table and chairs, i had to wheel my dishwasher into the closet (i always do this when having guests, it's a pretty good system). as i rearranged my closet to make room for the dishwasher i discovered my purple t-shirt! the same purple shirt i "accused" my laundromat of losing! oops. but i honestly thought it was gone forever, and have many times lamented it's absence. i feel badly about getting a free load of laundry under false pretenses, but i'm thrilled to be reunited with my t-shirt. it went so nicely with my one skirt.

i'm reading "a complicated kindness" right now per the suggestion of gen and beckie. it's been really good. this is my favourite line from it "i was moulded to my french horn case like the ken doll is to his underwear". too hilarious. hahaha.

will you just look at me!

backwards

sometimes it's extremely frustrating trying to put two and two together. it makes my brain hurt. literary.

i was trying to do some housekeeping this evening. the kitties were out on the balcony while i was vacuuming and mopping. at one point i noticed i hadn't seen pekoe for a while. an hour passed and i still hadn't come across him any place. sometimes that happens so i didn't think a lot of it, although it's a little disconcerting but he always turns up. when i noticed their food bowels where empty i thought "when i fill these pekoe will come out of his hiding spot". but honey only showed up. that's when i became slightly alarmed. by this time it was about 10:30. i went out on the balcony and looked into the darkness and said "koe-koe?", then heard a little "meow" response from below in my neighbour's driveway. i dashed to the back of my house and down the stairs to get him. i'm SO thankful that he'd stayed in the driveway. i have NO idea how long he'd been down there, it was definitely longer than an hour. i'll always wonder how he got down there, he doesn't seem hurt. it's probably a 12 ft drop. i don't know if it was an accident – if he fell or if he jumped. i hope it doesn't happen again, i've been worried that could happen, but thought it was unlikely. i guess i was wrong.

this afternoon was joanna's wedding shower. it was pretty fun. we played some games and all worked together on a scrapbook for her, which was a neat idea. i gave her a bombardier postcard. i thought it represented me pretty well since it covers TWO of my obsessions – trains and postcards :) i won a crocheted bumblebee potholder for having the most stuff in my bag. last time i played that game (at melody's shower) i totally lost. i think it depends on the crowd. no other party would've had "knitting/crafty supplies" listed. score.

i felt really beautiful this afternoon down in market square. i don't know why, i just did and it felt great.

are you hoping for a miracle?

mozak

i bought a bikini today. it's brown with flowers on it. i've been planning to buy a bikini for 2 years now. i'm glad i did it. now wearing it in public will be a whole other story.

i like it when talking with friends to not just theorize "oh that would be a fun thing to do", but instead to actually plan the logistics and make it happen.

it's all in the past. like water under the bridge. funny that it just took 2.5 years and 876 blog entires to reach that point. i'd forgotten. it'd slipped my mind completely. time does that.

it got so warm that none of us could sleep.

phases

well i've got HALF my apartment cleaned. it's a start at least.

there are words unsaid between us. they hang there in the air like fireflies or a powerful odor, glaringly obvious. we choose to ignore them. it's better to not point it out. better to let sleeping dogs lie.

sometimes i wish i could pass on life lessons like we can pass on books or knitting needles. but it doesn't work that way. i wish i could bind-up the broken-hearted and make it all ok. but i can't. somethings people just have to live thru and only time will make it better. it's hard for me to watch, i want to spare them the heartache.

i wonder where you are and when you'll get here.

sometimes i wonder what it would be. i let my mind wander and deconstruct myself. i always feel like there's a stone still left unturned. that at any moment a secret skeleton will fall out of my closet, one i didn't know about. some secret cadaver that's been stinking up the place and would keep you away.

admittedly i'm a little bored with my life right now. i need some spice.

there's a dead end to my left,
there's a burning bush to my right.

on

so... i was thinking that i'd sew together this little winter jacket for the ram so that it won't get cold. in the meantime you could sow the mustard seeds, then fix the fence that you rammed into with the car...

i got a new computer a work today. i've known there was a new one on the way, and i can't say i was happy to hear this. i LOVE my computer at work. i would hug it if i could. true, it's not a mac, but i grow attached to my tools whether it's a blade, or a ruler, or a pc. i spent some time in the morning "packing" everything i needed in my external drive so that all i had to do was plug it into my new computer. the IT guys said they'd be back around 11:30, several hours went by. i became antsy, if i was going to get a new computer then i wanted to get it over with. finally at 3:30 they arrived. so far everything has gone smoothly, quicker than the last time my compy was upgraded. while we waited for it to install my adobe cs3 suite i nipped into the bathroom. i was anxious to get back to it, already i felt protective of my new machine, and i didn't like the idea of a stranger fiddling with it. i think that's a good sign that i'll adjust quickly.

it seemed windy enough after work today to fly my kite. walking across the street to the m centre my pirate ship quickly took flight and i tried to keep a tight rein of it so that it didn't reach the powerlines. unfortunately when i reached the park the wind had died down and there wasn't a strong breeze. it did take off for about 45 seconds, but not again. whenever i fly my kite i wish i was at least a foot taller. there's this large enclosed area that reminds me as a place where people store horses, i imagine them running around and throwing their heads back while neighing. anyway, i climbed it and sat very precariously on a very rough board about 5 feet off the ground. it seemed like a sliver waiting to happen. my legs dangled freely. honestly i was nervous that i'd fall, but tried to steady my centre of gravity. i sat for a while, calmly, quietly, holding my kite string. it's moments like that that are my favourites.

sometimes when i'm trying to be helpful i fear i only make things worse.

i'm weirded out. the world (or should i say kingston) is way too small.

i can lie to myself and say i like it,
but i would love it if you were here.

vine

i think my cat is in love with my shower curtain. and i don't mean that in a general kind of way. i mean it in a romantic way. every time i'm in the bathroom she comes in and immediately starts making out with the shower curtain. she starts licking it intensely and purring loudly. it's like i'm interrupting a private moment. i find it repugnant.

i need to find the courage. i need to get it done.

they say that 85% of the things we worry about never happen. that makes me worry that my worries will fall within the 15% success rate.

there are thoughts i'd wish i'd heard.

secretary

i lit my citronella candle for the first time this evening as i sat out front on my balcony. the flame rose quickly and wildly, at times reaching 5" in height. i watched it flicker and dance in the dark, i was both compelled and hypnotized. i couldn't look away because when i did i had one of those reverse imprints embedded on my eye. i sat there amazed by that little wick that created such a large flame, and how unpredictable it moved. amazing.

i wonder if i'll always feel like a little girl or if i'll eventually begin thinking of myself as a matured woman. i want that, and don't at the same time.

right now i'm duking it out all fisty cuffs with nature. it's a battle of wills. how hot will it get before i crack and dig out the fan. i don't like air-conditioning, i think it's gross. i like fans but after my first summer here, i received an obscene hydro bill from using fans, so i put the kibosh on that. since then i see how long i can last until it's unbearable, i try to come up with other coping mechanisms. i like a challenge. PLUS i love the heat, so i'm not about to complain. it's uncomfortable, but more pleasant than the cold. i don't even like a cool breeze, hence the reason i prefer the heat. that and it gives me an excuse to dress scandalously around the house.

sometimes i want to yell things from roof tops. i have this romantic notion that everything would be so much better if i could holler secrets from high places.

i've been living in silence lately. my usual self always has music playing. always. except for the last week or so, my house is silent. i like listening to the sounds of my home. it's calming, and oddly enough less time consuming.

i'm going to bed now. you are on a bus.

often i'm waiting on the one that maybe won't come.

you should go

phoenix

i will ever "not know" more than i "know".
we will never know more than we don't.

life is all about perceptions. my dad comes over and always comments "this male cat is so affectionate". i say "ya", when i really think pekoe's needy and always hassling me to be petted. i think he's WANTING affection, while my dad thinks he's GIVING affection.

buddy is in town and i had the pleasure of lunch (or a late breakfast rather) with him at the goat. we walked around the hood for a while, and watched the shortest parade we've ever seen. it's pride weekend in kingston, and the parade was roughly 50ft long. we stood at the corner of princess and clergy watching it, and as it passed we walked down to the goat to where my bike was and his car was parked. this meant we walked alongside the parade the entire way. we felt like we were stalking it, or sideline participants.

i'm a calculated person. just about everything i do is intentional. some of the things i SAY are accidental, but i never do anything mistakenly. sometimes it's exhausting being deliberate all the time, but it saves me from having regrets. i can mostly feel confident in my choices, even though i reserve the right to change my mind. because i'm such a calculated person it really bothers me when people tell me what to do. it aggravates me because i already intended to do such-and-such, and if i didn't it's because i decided not to (for good reason). sometimes i wish my word would be enough and people wouldn't always feel compelled to question me. those who know me best know that when i'm decided about something, i'm usually 100% sold. they know me to not be very flexible.

sometimes i wish people would stop thinking i'm completely free simply because i'm unattached. i'm not isolated, i'm actually not without people depending on me. i actually think i have more people depending on me because i'm not legally obligated to someone. when someone is married or has children, other people don't expect as much from them – because they're "very busy".

we can't decide to love someone – we love who we love. i guess we hate who we hate too.

it's been a quiet, warm weekend. it's been nice. a few times i've thought "i should call so-and-so" but i don't want to. if i did i'd do it. i'm intentional that way.

i'm circling around the sun,
hoping for a chance to see.

tango

sometimes it seems i do things just to torture myself. i'm a glutton for self-punishment.

she reminded me that the grass is always greenest where it's most often watered. how true that is.

i could unravel myself like a sweater. sometimes i feel tempted to challenge people to a duel to see who could deface me fastest. i take pride in my confidence that i would surely win. i know my faults more intimately than anyone else does. when i get a sense that someone thinks ill of me i find it laughable, and think to myself "you've got to be kidding me. you've only just begun to scratch the surface. i've got way worse ammo against myself than THAT. you have NO idea." – you know when you're overly confident when you think your better at being critical of yourself then anyone else. hahaha.

there are few simple pleasure that are better than beginning a new book. cracking open the first few pages of a hefty novel. i feel lost when i'm in-between books. i wish i'd picked up my next one this afternoon, i hope i make it thru the night :p

i should've stayed away. it rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like i've been exfoliated with sandpaper. every damn time.

if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

hint

the air outside is sweet with the scent of rain.

melinda and i went to see sex and the city tonight. i loved it. you know how those girls theoretically represent all types of women and we can all relate to one of them? well i concluded tonight that i'm a carrie bradshaw – for various reasons.

i realized that my freak-out this afternoon was no more than a minor disappointment manifesting itself as a crisis. once i discovered the true cause of my panic attack i felt much relieved. while at the same time feeling rather shallow.

i hold everything loosely. even my hearts greatest desire i'm still rather "hum-ho" about. i don't think i was always that way. over time i've learned to set my expectations low. i think that hurts me the most, realizing that i don't even feel eligible for high hopes. the only thing i've truly grown to expect was me falling on my face.

as i stood in my kitchen with his empty t-shirt in my hands, i couldn't resist smelling it. i don't think i've ever been close enough to smell him in real life, so i can't confirm if it actually smells like him or not.

sometimes i have to ask myself "is it really worth it?" when dealing with the people around me. my irish streak tries to persuade me to fight for my rights, when really in the long run it's probably easier to just go with the flow.

we'll just start our own convent – the sisters of sexy immi.

i'm afraid that my love is gonna come up short.

cerlox

tomorrow is caleb's third birthday. we all got together this evening to celebrate. it was a really fun time. strangely enough, i feel like caleb is only now recognizing me. i don't know what it was before, but it was as though he didn't know me or wasn't familiar with me, but he does now and we had loads of fun. he's also finally able to say my name, or at least close enough. i got to hold liam a lot tonight which was very enjoyable. joy was amazed at how comfortable he is with me (he usually cries when other people hold him or if joy's not in his line of vision), she kept saying "wow, liam really likes lesley". which makes me feel good :) i've really been enjoying my sister's kids lately. it's confirmed that i'd really like to have my own someday. not any day soon, but someday for sure.

joy and tim are buying a van and with that are mourning their youth. they got a nice van, but unfortunately no matter how great it is, it's still a van. and it's an automatic. they're disappointed to say good-bye to their crv. i remember back when they were in their early twenties and bought a deep-freeze. they felt so grown up and would rub it in my face that i wasn't a grown-up yet because i didn't own a deep-freeze. i still don't have one, but i wouldn't accept one for all the mini-vans in the world. life is peculiar the way we're always excited to grow up, and yet we dread growing older.

i read today that there are two different kinds of lies. 1) we lie to get what we want. 2) we lie to protect someone else from getting hurt. i lied to him for the very first time. it still kills me. i think my reason was a little of both, with a little bit of protecting myself thrown in there too. one thing i know for sure is that i never want to do it again. at least that means i learned something and probably won't make that mistake again.

there's a secret i've been keeping from you.
there's a secret i've been keeping for you.

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this morning i woke up feeling remarkably well rested. usually when this happens i know i've over-slept. so i rolled over and checked the clock. it was 6:23 – right on-time – my alarm didn't wake me because i forgot to arm it the night before. apparently my internal clock is getting finally used to this time-zone. lately it feels like time is on my side, or maybe i'm getting a better grasp of how long i take to do different tasks and am budgeting my time accordingly. i like it. it's like i have room to move instead of always being under the gun.

i discovered today that in iran a thumbs up means the same as giving someone the finger. this has obviously lead to misunderstandings.

this evening i went to see the stone angel at the screening room. it was good, yet sad. it made me think a lot about my parents growing old, it helped me decide that if i'm living alone in 20 years i'll invite one or both of them to live with me. that seems like a nice idea, and i think i'd enjoy that most of the time. i might invite them even if i have a house full of people – i'd just have other people to consider in that case. personally, i'd have no issue eventually moving into an old-folks home. i've always found something appealing about living in an institution. a lot of people try to tell me "oh lesley, it's not that great. you'll feel different about leaving your own home when you reach that point". and to them i say let me have my fantasy. don't squash it and instead give me something to dread.

all the clouds have silver linings.

peek-a-boo

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i like to have my patio door to my balcony open whenever i'm at home. i leave the screen door open so the cats can come in and out at will. i also like the fluid feeling it creates between my house and the bigger world outside. it makes it all the same. large flies often fly in, but they fly out too. earlier this afternoon i walked into the kitchen to find the breeze flowing thru the open door to be much cooler than i'd like. for a brief moment the thought "it's never going to warm up" popped into my head. i resigned to accept the notion that summer was going to be skipped over this year and we'd live in a luke-warm state until fall. however, reality rebounded and reminded me that i just have to wait, and summer will be along shortly. even if i have to wait a little longer than i thought.

this is true in other elements of my life right now too. i'm finding myself immersed in personal tragedies of the people around me. it's disheartening and disillusioning. my mom tells me i'm a bleeding heart and that i have to learn to not take on the hurts of everyone around me. but it's so hard. i love these people. i love really easily, and it's impossible not sympathize with their plight. my heart goes out to those in crisis. but just like with summer, with enough time, they'll make it thru. and just because it feels like there's no end to the cold days, there is. we'll just wait it out together.

i remember several years ago standing in the kitchen of pirates cove talking with my friend andrew from high school. i said to him that i knew that change is certain, but i just couldn't see how change would come about. sitting here in this place now i can't see why my life would change down the road, but i know it will. even if i stay the same, the things around me won't. funnily enough not long after that conversation with andrew i started going to next. that was a major change. life altering. things change quickly. my job is to make the most of things now – which i think i AM doing. i think. i have a good life.

so i won't be dismayed or downcast. instead i'll play my bouncy music. i'll tidy this mess of an apartment. and relish the small things. and the big things that i take for granted – like this apartment and all that makes it messy.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.