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i like to have my patio door to my balcony open whenever i'm at home. i leave the screen door open so the cats can come in and out at will. i also like the fluid feeling it creates between my house and the bigger world outside. it makes it all the same. large flies often fly in, but they fly out too. earlier this afternoon i walked into the kitchen to find the breeze flowing thru the open door to be much cooler than i'd like. for a brief moment the thought "it's never going to warm up" popped into my head. i resigned to accept the notion that summer was going to be skipped over this year and we'd live in a luke-warm state until fall. however, reality rebounded and reminded me that i just have to wait, and summer will be along shortly. even if i have to wait a little longer than i thought.

this is true in other elements of my life right now too. i'm finding myself immersed in personal tragedies of the people around me. it's disheartening and disillusioning. my mom tells me i'm a bleeding heart and that i have to learn to not take on the hurts of everyone around me. but it's so hard. i love these people. i love really easily, and it's impossible not sympathize with their plight. my heart goes out to those in crisis. but just like with summer, with enough time, they'll make it thru. and just because it feels like there's no end to the cold days, there is. we'll just wait it out together.

i remember several years ago standing in the kitchen of pirates cove talking with my friend andrew from high school. i said to him that i knew that change is certain, but i just couldn't see how change would come about. sitting here in this place now i can't see why my life would change down the road, but i know it will. even if i stay the same, the things around me won't. funnily enough not long after that conversation with andrew i started going to next. that was a major change. life altering. things change quickly. my job is to make the most of things now – which i think i AM doing. i think. i have a good life.

so i won't be dismayed or downcast. instead i'll play my bouncy music. i'll tidy this mess of an apartment. and relish the small things. and the big things that i take for granted – like this apartment and all that makes it messy.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.