solid

now that it's fall and heading towards winter, i'm finding my house very stuffy. the air is kind of stale, and when i enter the house i can smell the remnants of food in the air. i don't like it. it kind of grosses me out. is there anything i can do about it? i don't just want something that will mask the stale air smell. i'd really like the air to circulate somehow. would it help if i left the fan going in the bathroom? i suppose that would at least suck out some of the stale air.

lately i've been having difficulty sleeping. i wake up at different times of the night and feel complete awake from thought. i remember experiencing that when we bought the house. it was hard to sleep because my brain would wake up thinking and wondering about the house. last week was perhaps the worst because i'd lie awake thinking about my sermon. last night, as i sleeplessly lied in bed trying to fall asleep at the beginning on the night, i tried counting. counting down from 100, or up from 35. i suppose it didn't NOT work. because i don't remember giving up on that, so i think i fell asleep before i became frustrated.

my mom seems to have a new boyfriend. it's always a little strange when parents are dating. it's kind of like uncharted territory - there's no social norms for how this plays out. that said, this isn't the first time my mom has had a boyfriend, but it's been a long while (her last serious boyfriend died suddenly, it was very sad). she's had a good friend who's a man for many years, and i like him very much, but he's just a friend and has made it clear that he doesn't want to evolve into something different. so anyway, she has this new man in her life, and i feel uncomfortable about it because his past is kind of sketchy. while i'm not someone who usually discounts someone because of past mistakes, but it doesn't sound like this man considers his mistakes mistakes, and there seems to be a pattern. i don't really know what to do. actually, 'do' is the wrong word. i don't know how to interact with my mom on this topic. she's kind of giddy as one is with a newly infatuated, but i just want this situation to go away or simply be different. i've had two dreams recently that she ended it. clearly my subconscious is expressing its desires.

i frequently find myself wishing undesirable things or circumstances would go away. i've actually felt that about people before. but thankfully things get easier as i grow more accustomed to the person or thing. in fact, i told b last night "that so and so is really growing on me". and he scoffed at me for taking so long to come around.

except all the radios agree with all the tvs,
and all the magazines agree with all the radios.