shortening

when i think to the future, at the life i desire for éamon i consider a wide spectrum of things. but the one thing i always come back to is the element of loneliness. from my own experience and those around me, i feel that a life without loneliness is good – better than good. i feel like loneliness is one of the most crippling human experiences. it makes everything less enjoyable, less meaningful. it makes life feel like a waiting game, rather than something you engage in and embrace. i've been thinking about this for several weeks, and came across something in a book i was reading that affirmed that. i was going to quote it, but it turns out i just lent to the book to rach, so i'll have to paraphrase. basically, it talked about how loneliness runs deeper than surroundings. a lonely person could live in the most luxurious home, but without connection with other people, the comforts of home are empty.

when i mentioned to brendan that i want for éamon to not experience loneliness, b said that loneliness is what it means to be human, and i agree that that's true. i want éam to be empathetic and to reach out to lonely people, and the only way to be truly sympathetic is to have shared experiences. so i guess everyone needs to know what it means to be lonely, even for a short while, but hopefully not a long while.

it's cold now
but it's getting warmer.

onions

i know it's the weather – the intense cold and the piles of snow – but today is the first day that i've felt bored and wished i was at work. i don't really have anything to do around the house. i'm getting into a good rhythm of tidying frequently and chores don't take very long. immediately after coming up with an idea to crochet myself some new slippers, this thought came into my head: "is this really what my life has resorted to? finding myself hobbies to fill my time?". i totally know that's the weather talking, and probably some vitamin D deficiency too, because when i feel well-balanced and energized i'm content with hobbies. another sign that it's the weather is that i don't feel like i wouldn't have anything to say if someone was to pop by for a visit right at this moment.

éamon's fine. just playing and hanging out. he's a pretty low maintenance baby. he doesn't really need attending to either.

i will say this. b got me onto this singer/song writer laura marling. her latest album is the only new music i've really sunk my teeth into since i left work. it's usually hard for me to get into new music without listening to it on headphones in my cubicle. otherwise it's just background noise that i don't really take in. brendan first discovered laura through Q; he was attracted to her because she loves joni mitchell fan and it shows in her music. to simply say brendan is a fan of joni, fails to capture his full admiration for her as a person. i like joni, but we're significantly less acquainted, not enough for me to hear her influence in laura's music. instead (whether this is intended or not), i hear jewel. being a teen and 20-something during the height of jewel's career, i listened to jewel a lot. we started to part ways when she started leaning towards country. so, imagine my delight when i find something new that has a similar feel. the thing i like better about laura is that she's more confident, complex and substantial. jewel had a lot more angst in her music. or maybe it's just that when i listen to 1998-jewel, it brings to the surface everything that was insecure, superficial and flimsy about being 18.

well, my mom just called. sounds like she's feel bored and cabin-fevery too. another sign it's just the weather.

thank you naivety for failing me again.

stones

when i'm out and about with éamon, people like to talk to us. i've concluded after experiencing life with a baby has given me a glimpse into how kind and loving strangers can be. more times than not, people say "it goes by too fast", then tell me about their grown children. i got thinking about this yesterday, and i'm certain that it's not that it goes fast, but rather that it's so short. babies change really quickly because each phase is short and they're into the next one.

we started éamon on some brown rice cereal and banana this morning because today he turned 6 months. afterwards, i was surprised to feel a sense of change. we've had such a smooth transition into having a baby. éamon has been such an easy baby that his entry into our lives felt remarkably similar to how it felt before. but now at six months, he's getting more active (we can't easily take him a lot to stuff anymore), he's communicating what he wants more (he's waking earlier and making it clear that he wants to be up), and now i have to think about preparing food and snacks. don't get me wrong, all of these things are good, i'm happy that he's developing and changing, but it seems all of a sudden that things are noticeably different. last night i said to b, that it feels that the days of us being able to leave the house without having to plan ahead and/or bring a bunch of stuff with us, is sailing away on the horizon. those days are still fresh enough that it's like i can see see the boat sailing away. as time passes, and the memory of our past freedom is as faint as the mist from a long gone steam boat, this will seem normal. but for some reason, right now, i'm struck by this overwhelming feeling that the path ahead is beyond my scope of ability. i guess i just need to remind myself that the things we did and experienced in this last half year were new uncharted territory too. it'll be just fine.

set out for a great adventure.

liable

lately, i've been feeling more selective about what news and social media i'm exposed to. as i do my daily scan of google news for items that interest me, i often come across things that cause me to go like this "really? why is this news? why should i care about that person's private life?" i even tried adding a filter so i wouldn't have to read about people like lindsay lohan, but all that did was add her to my google alerts :S

they say that women often become out of touch when they have a baby. while i wouldn't say that's completely true for me, i will say that my tolerance for non-relevant, hollywood gossip and sensational news stories has gone down significantly. i just feel like there's way more important things in the world that need more attention.

it's funny because i don't feel isolated, but being at the mall last week with shannon, and seeing all the latest fashions was eye-opening. i don't know anyone who dresses like that. thankfully i'm happy to say that i'm content being out of touch. fashion trends and celebrities are things i can live without.

i think this means i'm officially a grownup.

i need something more
just a place to be alone.

flight

just got home from the dentist. i had two cavities filled. they were these mysterious (to me) 'in between the teeth' cavities. *shrug* i really wasn't looking forward to it (not like anyone would), but i was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that bad. i ended up concluding that it was mildly uncomfortable compared to éamon's birth. man, giving birth is the gift that keeps on giving :p even the fact that my mouth is still frozen isn't so bad. i just hope my feeling returns by dinner time.

since i discovered i had these two cavities (which are caused by not flossing), i mentioned it to joy (or probably more accurately ranted at joy), and she told me about this easy dental flosser that's like a toothbrush. i picked one up for 3 bux, and since then have been flossing every day with no difficulty. it takes between 30 seconds to 1 minute. and i do it right before i brush my teeth at night. it's a good system. i never imagined flossing could be so easy. the dentist mentioned that he saw some warning signs of another cavity, but if i keep at flossing i'll be able to keep it at bay. i plan to :D

for some unknown reason, i've decided that i want to drink fennel tea after dinner every day. i've started fixing my tea (letting it steep) at the beginning of dinner so it's ready when i'm done eating. i'm not some what is compelling me, but i like the idea of this routine. it's only been a few days. i tried to buy some fennel tea at tara food's on saturday, but it cost $8! thankfully i didn't buy it because i found some at the bulk barn for $1.50. i love fennel tea. i think it's the perfect after dinner treat. sometimes i want to drink it in the afternoon, but i feel like i should just save it for dinner time so it continues to be something i look forward to.

dark before the dawn is the darkest that you know.

fennel

this afternoon i went out on my own for what was supposed to be a short errand, and found that i was enjoying myself so much that i took a few detours and added a few stops. i'd fed éamon shortly before i headed out, so i knew he'd be fine for a while. the only trouble was letting b know that i wasn't coming directly home. but once i found a telephone, i gave him a quick call, then was free from feeling rushed.

i never get tired of spending time with éamon. he's not a tiresome person to be around, neither is brendan for that matter. but every so often, when i get the chance to go out sans baby, i always enjoy myself immensely. i find that encouraging it suggests that i won't mind returning to work, since i'm comfortable on my own as long as i know that éam is ok.

during this solo outing, i started reflecting on how it feels being independent now compared to before i birthed this baby and became his mom. and the thought i kept coming back to was the word 'tough'. i feel tougher – stronger, more confident, more dauntless. i feel more sure of myself, i feel grounded and more empowered. and it's a great feeling. it's not like i was super insecure before, but i did often feel uncertain or unsure of myself. this is a nice and unexpected development.

we've come too far
to give up who we are.

insular

it's 6:40 in the morning, and i can't sleep. i woke up with éamon at 5:17 for a night-feeding, and i haven't been able to fall back to sleep :S

so anyways...

we have a tradition of spending new year's eve at the erb's place. sometimes we play board games, some times we talk the night away, last night we talked then b and jase broke out into a spontaneous jam session at 12:30 at night while rach and i chatted in the living room. éamon was there too of course. we took him from his crib at 10:00 to go over to the erbs, where he slept in his chair in the kitchen until he was rudely awakened by us singing in the new year ;) it was fun (and he was a real sport about it, he just stayed up til we went home after 1).

i've been thinking about things that are on the horizon for 2014.

we've been thinking of going to cuba in april.

in june-ish, we're going to go visit beckie in quebec city

in july, i'll go back to work and éamon will start daycare
also in july, i'd like to go camping for a weekend with a+s
in august, we're planning on going camping for a week in ithica, new york

in september, i'm probably going to atlanta on a business trip, so b and éamon will come with me

in october i might go to houston with work, but i'm kind of hoping i won't be needed. but if i am, i'll figure out something so éamon can come too.

at some point in the spring, we'll probably buy a second car. just something small, used and inexpensive. b needs a car for work. although, he'll probably use the CRV and i'll use the small car, if it's better on gas. i don't love the thought of having two cars, but we can car-share after work hours, so at least that would make it worthwhile for more than one reason.

so that's what my year is looking like, but you never know what else might come up. on the whole, i'd say it's likely to be a pretty nice one.

well, it's now just shy of 7 am. here's hoping i'll be able to fall back asleep.

the cold can bleach us out
and freeze our doubt.

cribbage

it feels funny that it's 2014, doesn't it? i'm not sure if i ever got used to the fact that 2013 was a real number, heck, i don't think i've ever really grown accustomed to our years starting with 20something.

i've been thinking a lot about new years resolutions. well... not resolutions exactly, just things i'd like to change this year. i've already mentioned that i've decided to stop wearing make-up (not that i wore it very often, but it's nice not thinking 'should i put make up on?'). i was going to throw it out last night when we got home from the erb's place, but i found that i had more than i realized, and one can never know when make-up will come in handy for a costume or something. so i've just stashed it all away for the time being. maybe i'll eventually give it to friends.

other than that, i'd like to...

1) eat better. i find eating healthy was easier when i worked, because i can only eat what i have with me. but at home, i can eat whatever, and whenever i feel like it. i've also noticed that i'm drawn to chocolatey treats, and so i want to re-train my tongue to like plain treats instead of indulgent treats. now, i'm aware that lots of people start off the new year planning on eating better, and don't stick with it. but i'm just looking at it as a year commitment (like the make-up thing) as an experiment. that's not to say that i won't have chocolatey treats, but i'll make my normal practice be one of better choices.

2) improve my posture. i believe this will go a long way to improve my body image. when i see myself slouching in photos, i find it terribly unflattering, and i'm convinced it adds the appearance of extra weight. i even notice a difference when i straighten my shoulders in front of a mirror, and it makes me feel better about myself.

in general, giving up make-up is pretty easy, because it doesn't actually require anything of me. the eating better and improved posture ones will require more effort. lastly....

3) give myself permission to write less. this might seem like a weird one, but the other day, i felt so disappointed in myself for not blogging as frequently as i have in the past. it bothered me so much that i considered (briefly) retiring from the blogosphere. i can't keep up with my former writing habits, and blogging is kind of passé now. but then the thought occurred to me, that that's lame. why do i think it has to be every day or nothing!?! every day that passes without me writing, i feel guilty, and i've had enough of that. yes, i wrote more when i was single, and the reality is people spend their time differently in each stage of their lives. there's nothing wrong with writing less prolifically now. the other day, jill wrote a blog entry. she writes only a handful of times a year, and i love it each time she writes. if anything, it makes me more excited when i see she's posted something. so i'm just gonna go ahead and write irregularly. when i feel like it, when i have something to say, when inspiration hits me.

four new year's resolutions seems like a tall order. but really two are 'out with the old' and two are "in with the new".

seas between us broad have roared.