fennel

this afternoon i went out on my own for what was supposed to be a short errand, and found that i was enjoying myself so much that i took a few detours and added a few stops. i'd fed éamon shortly before i headed out, so i knew he'd be fine for a while. the only trouble was letting b know that i wasn't coming directly home. but once i found a telephone, i gave him a quick call, then was free from feeling rushed.

i never get tired of spending time with éamon. he's not a tiresome person to be around, neither is brendan for that matter. but every so often, when i get the chance to go out sans baby, i always enjoy myself immensely. i find that encouraging it suggests that i won't mind returning to work, since i'm comfortable on my own as long as i know that éam is ok.

during this solo outing, i started reflecting on how it feels being independent now compared to before i birthed this baby and became his mom. and the thought i kept coming back to was the word 'tough'. i feel tougher – stronger, more confident, more dauntless. i feel more sure of myself, i feel grounded and more empowered. and it's a great feeling. it's not like i was super insecure before, but i did often feel uncertain or unsure of myself. this is a nice and unexpected development.

we've come too far
to give up who we are.