slowly, slowly, slowly

i feel like i'm starting to get stuff off my mental "to do" list.

washing machine fixed - check!

book done - check!

downstairs ready for guy - check!

with each thing completed i feel life getting lighter.

do you think its possible that the super moon made my period come nearly a week early? this has NEVER happened to me before.

red

brendan and i stood out on our back porch together looking at the red super moon. it's an awfully beautiful sight. although, i have to admit, i'm glad there's some kind of explanation for it, because otherwise, it would seem very ominous.

i dug out our winter duvet last night.

it's the best.

the best.

crushed

well... this has been a day of highs and lows.

i had a very discouraging conversation (or rather, had to listen to a very discouraging conversation) last night with some folks who have a very different worldview than me. it just sucked all my hope and made me want to give up on life :S

THEN, i had an alright time at work, which made me feel i could last there a little while longer there.

THEN, brendan and i got a stove for our downstairs kitchen and had A DICKENS of a time getting it in the house and down the stairs. i think we successfully broke it in three or four different places, and almost died twice. nothing like saving a few bux by moving it yourself and then wishing you could pay twice its value for to go back in time.

THANKFULLY, i made some significant progress with two other big projects this afternoon/evening. éamon took the bus home with his nana for dinner so i could make up for the lost time caused by the stove.

so now that the day is nearly done, i can confidently say that despite several set backs, today a success :)

downhill

i think i have the growth potential to become a hoarder. not the traditional kind who can't throw anything out. i'm pretty good at that. it's more the temptation to stock up on non-perishable food items. in recent years i've gotten good at purchasing things to have in the pantry for unplanned baking or cooking events. i like being equipped to bake/cook without lots of prior notice. the problem (or the potential problem) is i'm feeling an impulse to double-up on my supplies. worries such as "what if we use that tomato paste and forget to get another one!", have been creeping in, which is why i desire two of things instead of one. this could easily creep into 4, 6 or more items of the same thing...

medical mystery solved

I went to the hospital last night shortly after midnight. my headache was not getting better despite the painkillers I tried and I also became feverish, achey all over and nauseated. brendan and I decided I should take a cab and he stayed behind with eamon.

it was a slow process (nearly two hours from the time I decided to go in), but I didn't feel rushed because I'd already decided not to go to work. I didn't mind the wait once I had a bed to lie on.

long story short, I have a uti and all that other stuff were just side effects. they gave me a wack of pills and I eventually felt much better. my headache persisted a little, but is now pretty much gone. I haven't needed any else for it.

I could hear eamon crying this morning, calling "mommy, mama" when brendan went in to get him up. it really breaks my heart. I wish I could just not go back to work..

Sent from my iPod

beyond

things are not going particularly well these days.

and by that i mean my ability to cope with inclimate life conditions. i'm really hoping it's the tornado around me, and not just a decrease in my well-being.

i have my very first migraine. i've never had one before. my eyes are sore when i move then, and my head pulses when i move it. i went to bed at 9:30 last night thinking i'd sleep it off, but it was still there in the morning, which was when i started realizing it was a migraine. i've been wearing a cold pack on my head all day, which has helped, but now it's room temperature.

being sick can be super inconvenient, i had things to do today. i really want to be well enough for work tomorrow since i recently had that other sick day. 

i'm finding myself looking forward/wishing we were a few years down the road, and éamon was 6. i feel like the parenting game will really start to change then. he'll be able to sit for longer, and understand why we tell him "no" and not just think we're being jerks. i don't want to wish this age away though. i'm sure that part of parenting is thinking the grass is greener in other stages. i'm just worn out. he is SUCH a busy kid and he's always breaking stuff, or getting into things he shouldn't, or stripping naked in his crib during nap time or having tantrums in public :S

i should balance out myself by saying, he's also very sweet and smart, he has an old soul and loves to play guitar. this morning he took his guitar and sat on the floor against the wall and strummed and sang while i lied immobile on the couch. i can't let myself overlook the easier stuff. it's just, i'm way outside my element right now, and migraines and working full time is making it so much worse. 

better

i really like warm weather, but i think i'm ready for fall, so all this summer like weather is throwing me off.

yesterday i met both our neighbours on each side. the lady on the south side was michelle and the lady on the north side was song.

the other day i twisted my ankle funny when i was trying to get into my car. as i stumbled and regained my balance, i looked around me for passerby-ers who might have seen me and might be concerned. and was surprised to find our street was empty. it felt funny. several minutes later, i closed my window on my own arm by accident. it was a rough 3 minutes.

under-equipped

i've heard from several people that "terrible twos" is a misnomer and it's actually the "terrible threes" you've got to watch out for. and i have to say that if this current phase of tantrums and attitude and hitting and being a little monster when we're at the public library is NOT the terrible twos, than i'm gonna lose my mind.

i had someone from next over the other day who comments that eamon's a totally different kid when he's at home. which just confirms my suspicions that there are folks who think he's a little brat and that at home he was actually a pleasant person to be around. i've observed that being at church is both overwhelming and overstimulating for him, which is not a good combination. PLUS his dada is on stage and i'm constantly trying to block him from going up there.

we're in a rough stage, and this is no doubt made worse by working hours and general life stresses.

alike

i like my hair today.

i got a new hair spray because it was on sale and i was all out. but i like this one better.

honey has fleas.

it's gross.

she's been avoiding standing or sitting on the floor. it reminds me of when i was a kid and we'd pretend the ground was lava.

i went to the pet store, prepared to buy the most expensive kind available, but it turns out that's only available via prescription. so we're plum out of luck.

berber

you know that you've really become a grownup when you're excited about new carpet.

we got carpet installed in our basement on friday, and it looks GREAT! i'm so pleased. eamon and i ran around in circles enjoying the new rec room. it's funny, because it cost about as much as simple oversea vacation (meaning, not an elaborate one with lots of frills), and compared to a holiday carpet seems very dull. but when i'm there i feel excited thinking about our kids playing in that space. the forts and imaginative play :) joy and i practically lived in our rec room/play room as kids, and i can't imagine growing up without it.

it makes me happy. and what a relief! we're really starting to see the results of our hard work around here.

sponge

the ironic thing about me making a smoothy with plums so they didn't go to waste is that i ended up knocking over my blender in the process and wasted at least a third of it and one small container of yogurt.

in my frustration i loudly went "AAAAAAAA-UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH".

then from the other room i could hear a little voice imitating me "aaauuugghh" and brendan saying "yes, that IS what mama said."

sometimes imitation is not that flattering.

paused

it's so dark out. it feels like bedtime.

after eamon was down and the dishes were done, i sat out front with a cider in the dark. it was nice. i liked the easy pace. it's funny, because even though it was the only thing i wanted to do, i felt rushed. like i needed to move on to the next thing. i'd overcome that tendency while i'm on mat leave. it's disappointing that it's back, but i'm not surprised. just goes to show that i need to make a habit of doing that. it's easy for me to get swept up in a fast pace that i'm unhappy with. i need to counter act that.

this might be the first evening since july that i had nothing i had to do. what a nice change. i think i'll lie around a bit and probably read before heading to bed early.

12 books

once again, i woke in the night and couldn't fall back asleep. the annoying thing is that i don't even has as much on the go! i laid there trying some breathing techniques that scarlete was telling me about yesterday, and it did help, only i dozed back to sleep around 4:45 and had to wake up at 5:30.

after eamon was settled in bed and i'd finished cleaning the bathroom, i sat out front on our porch under the cover of night. it was calming and gentle, and reminded me of my old balcony.

it's hot and i feel all clammy. i'm gonna post this then go to bed.

last night i finished the last coat of paint in the basement. now i can move on to (or get back to) unpacking. tonight we hung a bunch of art in the living room and our bedroom. i feel we're on our way to normal.

and as i start to make a turn towards normal, i want to start getting more intentional about again about my sleeping habits and connecting with others. on the weeks that brendan works evenings, i'm pretty cooped up and i can't get out as easily as i'd like. it's easily to become or feel isolated. and i'm not always good at reaching out, unless when i feel a sense of urgency.

this afternoon i had a nice walk with scarlete along the water front. it was good to connect with her. i think it was good for both of us.

yard poops

i ran out of paint for my second coat in the rec room.

i like painting, but i've concluded that i'm a real reckless painter. thankfully, i've started wearing a painting apron, which keeps me from getting covered. i don't know why i didn't wear an apron before!

brendan mowed the lawn the other day with our (new to us) lawn mower. he looked very grown up. it made him seem twice his age.

bird hits your windshield

that picture of that 3 year old boy is too much for me. he reminds me so much of éamon, i can't bare to see it again. i'm pretty deeply disturbed. sometimes life just feels like one big oxymoron. on one hand it's deeply disturbing, and on the other hand life is beautiful and amazing. sometimes i feel like i'd be ok with the good side of life just being moderately ok if it meant the bad side of life was only mildly bad.

7+9

FINALLY, for the first time in over a week, i actually had a productive day!

i got the downstairs bedroom finished painting (it needed a bunch of touch ups, and some white paint, etc). i put a second coat on the kitchen walls, AND i painted the kitchen floor. i can't express what a relief it was for me to actually make some progress. this really reduces my feelings of being overwhelmed.

argh

today we faced one of those parenting urban legends. the one when the kid is supposed to be napping, but instead takes of their poopy diaper and spreads the poop around the room. there have been many occasions, for one reason or another, that eamon has had a diaper misfunction and we've thought "oh, we are so lucky that it wasn't poopy". no so lucky today :S

sandy

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. first because of excitement, then from having lots to do, now my brain is just really busy and i lie there wide awake. last night i took a sleep-aid, two of them. i slept really well. even when eamon woke in the night and wouldn't settle himself back to sleep. i was worried that i wouldn't fall back to sleep either, but i did. i was a bit groggy this morning, so if i take them again tonight, i think i'll just take one. i'm not sure how long i'll take them for, but probably a few nights in a row will help.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, and i stayed home from work. come evening i was a bit loopy and talking random stuff endlessly. it makes brendan a little annoyed when i do that. i guess he would say i'm annoying, it's not that he's annoyed :p

i'm hoping to get back into my usual sleep routine soon.