brace

i can't remember if i mentioned the book "funny girl" that i was reading and finished last week. it was about a young woman seeking to be a comedic actor in the 1960s (she wanted to be like lucile ball). at the end, it fast forwards to 2014 (which i found a bit weird, since the story was about this young actress). she reflects on how the industry has changed since she started out, and remarks about how nowadays everyone wants to work in entertainment, and how there are fewer people willing to do the undesirable jobs. i can't remember how she phrased it, but she talked about how entertainment has become the centre of our society, and i think she's right. that's why there are movie themed birthday parties, and children's clothes and backpacks with cartoon characters on them, etc etc.

i think she put her finger on what troubles me so much about an excess of pop-culture paraphernalia in stores. it always irritated me when i couldn't find just nice kids bedsheets without disney cartoons on them, and i couldn't put my finger on why. it's party because i like creativity, and i think there's lots of great artists and designers beyond disney, and i'd rather have a generic cartoon from an unknown artist than support an uncreative corporation. but i think it also makes me uncomfortable because it reinforces entertainment as something we should value, something to love. and i simply don't value that – it's entertainment only, not something more meaningful.

as someone who works in marketing, i'm also keenly sensitive to the subtle ways the we're constantly being advertised at. so i avoid any kind of brand reinforcement. because they're simply trying to make people form an emotional attachment so they'll spend more.

assumption

i've been reading this novel about the titanic. it's really sad and yet compelling. i'm at the part where the main character has just gotten on a lifeboat, but everyone else she was with 14 people from her hometown, didn't get on for various reasons (the men were refused, some women chose not to go, some got lost). i can't help but feel struck by how tragic it is, even though there have been events with a greater death toll. maybe it's because it was such a man-made disaster. or maybe because of the hope of everyone on the ship, maybe were heading to america to start a new life. everyone had plans for their arrival, and most did not arrive. i dunno. it's just so sad.

i have to admit, i have a bit of a pet peeve about when a book i'm reading has a fictional book/movie/etc of the same name as the novel i'm reading. this book is called "the girl who came home" and there's a new paper article in it by that name. and the book "the help" had a book in it called "the help". this annoys me because the fictional version and the real version i'm reading are not the same thing! i really think they need different names. sheesh!

anyway, this book has puts me in the mood to watch the movie. i think the last time i watched it was on my birthday (it was playing on the tv) in 2001. i was living in toronto and my friends and i had ordered chinese food. time sure goes by fast.

st. mary's

when i was between 11 to 13, my dad used to take my sister and i on vacation to toronto each summer and over march break. we'd stay with my uncle bill and we'd do toronto-y things. in the summer we'd take our bikes, and ride all over the place. we'd frequently cycle in mount pleasant cemetery. it was one of our favourite places. joy and i were always amazed at how quiet it was. as soon as you enter through the gates, the sounds of the city disappeared. we also liked walking around, reading the headstones.

later, when i moved to toronto for the summer of 2000, i went to mount pleasant over my first weekend there. that monday, my co-worker and friend lana asked me what i did that weekend. i told her that i went to a cemetery. she was very troubled by that. it might have been a cultural thing, since she was from hong kong, but she said if she'd told her dad that she voluntarily went to a cemetery that he'd cry.

there's a cemetery near our house. it's a catholic cemetery, so unfortunately, they probably wouldn't let me get buried there. part of me would consider converting to catholicism just so i could be buried in our neighbourhood cemetery. i like local things. otis and i went for a stroll through there this morning. i like reading the different names, and dates; wondering about the people. a headstone is really all that's left of someone. i'm a pretty thrifty person, i don't care about a fancy funeral, and would want the cheapest of everything. but i want a headstone with a pretty awesome epitaph. i think we'll go there for a walk again sometime. there were parts i didn't get to, and we didn't really walk up the aisles, just stuck to the main roads.

lowering expectations

when i work a short 4 day week, i find myself expecting it to fly by fast, and as a result, it doesn't. i'm finding this principle to be true too with having a newborn. i know that this stage goes by fast, and as a result, i'm expecting sleepless nights and constant nursing and needing to be held while i try to eat dinner to be behind me already. it's all about expectations and i need to lower mine. even an easy baby has his difficult moments.

my sweet little baby decided to be wide awake from 1 am to 5 am last night. he's not even usually that awake during the day. it's like he's slowly changing time zones. and now he's sleeping, i'm wide awake and can't fall asleep. unfortunately, having gone most of the night without sleep, i was very irritated when eamon got up this morning at 6. i was not gracious with him about it.

i'm sorry... hearing the daily details of a parent of a newborn's sleep situation is quite boring. i guess what i'm trying to aim for is being transparent enough to be real about this current stage, and yet concealed enough that i don't lose perspective and make everything about newborn+preschool parenting.

acquaintance

when i was in grade 10, a girl in my class got pregnant. by the time she returned to school in grade 11, she was married to her boyfriend. i'd heard that their parents made them get married. he did not seem ready for marriage, at all. they had another kid together while still in highschool. i was thinking a lot about that girl today. married at 15. i wonder how things worked out for them.

registrar

i was saying to b the other day, that it's amazing to me that ANY women in history would've survived childbirth. i know death was common, but really, it feels like surviving should've been the exception. like really, does anyone know anyone that didn't tear at all? (i mean ever, even with multiple births) what would women do with a 3rd degree tear? other than, you know, bleed a lot and die. it's crazy really.

today was brendan's first day back at work, and my first day on my own with otis. he seems to be in a bit of a growth spurt. he's looking chubbier, and he was cranky and only wanted to nurse today. i did get a lot of reading done. although, i would've welcomed a nap. he's sleeping now though. this is the longest stretch he's napped all day. it's nice having a backyard and deck to sit out on while nursing. it was a lovely day out there.

sleeping

every evening, otis sleeps from 7:30 or 8 til 10 or 11. after nursing him, he sleeps again until 1 or 2 am. then every single night, he naps on and off for the next 4 or 5 hours, waking almost every 20 minutes, until 6:30, when eamon gets up. then otis sleeps solid until after 9 :S

all that said, i need to keep perspective that it's not that bad and this will soon give way to a new pattern and stage.

paperback

brendan and i stopped in at the kingscourt library yesterday. i needed a new book and eamon's books were due back. we had otis with us. when we entered, the nice librarian greeted us and asked us all about our baby. we'd talked before about my pregnancy. i always appreciate how friendly she is, especially compared to the grumpy librarian.

then i headed over to the fiction section, and brendan to the kids section. within a minute or two, i could hear my dad's voice, so i came out from the bookshelves and saw him talking with the nice librarian. my dad goes to the library at least once a day, and is on a first name basis with many of the librarians. so as he chatted away, i approached him with otis in my arms. when he saw me he yelled out "holey mosey!". the librarian started commenting on how cute the baby is, when he said to her "this is my daughter!". she had no idea. it's funny when you know two people separately and don't realize they're connected. i guess he'd been in there last week and told her that his daughter was in labour.

she told me that she has a dog named otis :p

i'm glad that they have a good relationship and that that positive association will be in my favour :)

otis's birth – after thoughts

it's been nearly a week now since otis was born. i feel like its still sinking in that i got to push him out myself, which means i managed to have a VBAC. which is amazing. i remember the next day just shaking my head and saying "i've been thinking about this for 3 years". 

not only do i feel a great since of accomplishment with the birth itself, i feel like it complete's eamon's birth story as well. in many respects they are the same story – one long story that started in 2013 and finished in 2016. i feel a lot more peace now, having finally figured out why eamon was so difficult to birth and why he got stuck. while i'm puzzled as to why no one identified last time that i had a low pelvic arch (it took susan no time at all), i don't even care because at least now i know. i've had to tell people so many times "they were never able to figure out why he got stuck". it's nice to finally have that mystery solved. 

otis's birth also gives me a lot more peace about eamon's birth. i felt so unsettled and it affected how i felt about myself and my body. it made me feel, not like a failure, but that i had shortcomings. i feel like this birth erased those feelings, and i feel a lot more accepting of how eamon's birth went. because, after all, it was quite an adventure and a unique experience.

i love both birth stories for their distinctiveness. and i love having had both experiences – the caesarean and the vaginal birth. AND i love that it was in that order. it makes me feel like i've completed my baby-having career triumphantly. 

i feel better about my body too. i remember a friend telling me that her births made her feel more respect for her body. and i felt disappointed that my first birth made me feel disgruntled with my body. i think that affective my body image a lot as well. but now, even though my tummy is soft and saggy, it makes me feel excited and delighted. i carried two wonderful baby boys in there! what a privilege. 

when otis was first born, his complection was very red and his face was puffy. it surprised me, because he didn't look familiar. eamon immediately felt like mine because he looked familiar somehow. i wasn't sure about otis at first. but with time and a bath, the swelling went down, and his skin tone normalized, and i felt like "ah! there's my baby!" he looks like my otis now :)

we're managing well as a family of four. we're finding the learning curve with the second baby to be much smaller. the main challenge is to be mindful to include eamon, and give him the love and attention he needs. having heard that the birth of the second born is life's greatest betrayal for the first born, i would have to say that's somewhat true, but not in the way i was expecting. maybe it's because we're being mindful of this transition for him, but i think we're doing ok at keeping eamon included. it's actually been other folks that i've notice a shift with. one person referred to eamon as our "other" sweet boy (which felt like a downgrade in status). and when we were having visitors one day, i thought these visitors would be thrilled to take eamon to the park, but they actually just wanted to hold otis (so i took eamon to the park instead). it seems he's lost some appeal with people who would normally have given him lots of attention. that's fine i guess, since we're doing our part to keep the love flowing. 

in terms of a meaningful faith experience, i definitely wanted this birth to be a thin space for me. that was something i struggled with a lot last time, after the fact. and i'm grateful that in seeking God's presence throughout otis's birth, i felt peace and confidence that God showed up. i tried to pray gratitude and acknowledgement a lot. i found that i was truly grateful for each contraction, because with each one, we were closer to the birth, and closer to completion. in general, i really felt my spiritual needs being met in my inner most being. 

all this to say, that it was a lovely and meaningful experience for me. one i will cherish all my days. 

otis's birth – part 4

as i felt him lying on me, i was hoping that meant the pain and contractions would stop soon, but didn't know how long it would take for the 3rd stage of labour to be done. they gave me a shot in the leg to help speed up the expulsion of the placenta, and it was out very soon after. i can't remember if i had to push for that or not. when i got up to go to pee, i felt another big, painful contraction, which really surprised me, but they said that is very common for second (third, fourth, etc) babies. and that tylenol and motrin would help with that. 

someone asked us his name, and i got to tell everyone "his name is otis". then brendan shared his full, long name – otis alyosha wesley gerald. i was so happy and proud to be awake and able to announce his name :) but was glad that brendan shared his full name, because it's a long one. 

i could hear brendan beside me, crying gently. which i liked, it was very sweet. i was too exhausted and uncomfortable for the reality of what just happened to sink in. 

soon susan broke the news that i had quite a bad tear. she was still determining if it was a 2nd degree or 3rd degree tear. if it was a 3rd degree, than a doctor would have to repair it, and the doctor was in the OR performing a c-section. in the meantime she put on a topical cream to freeze it. it turned out to be a 3rd degree C tear, which is bad, but not the worst. we had to wait about 45 minutes before the doctor was available to do the repair work. in the meantime, we got otis nursing. it took him a couple minutes to get him latched, but once he was, he nursed like a little pro, and has continued to do well.

thankfully during the stitching i was able to use the gas. it didn't reduce the pain so much as distract me from it. i still had to hold and squeeze shannon's hand through that process. while on the gas, i was very chatty and just rambled. by then i was able to open one eye, but not both. 

when he first came out, he looked SO TINY. we were all convinced that he was smaller than eamon, and around 6 lbs. but it turns out he was 8lb 1 oz, making him just a few ounces bigger than eamon. he's also an inch longer, so he's also long and lean like his daddy. 

susan asked if we wanted to stay at the hospital or go home, and we opted to stay. we were tired, having been up for nearly 24 hours at that point. through my benefits at BBD, we had coverage for a semi-private room, but i wanted to upgrade to a private room (it's only a $25 difference). however, they managed to find us an empty semi-private room instead, and brendan was able to stay too. when we got down to our room, susan told us that she was leaving, and gave me a big hug. i thanked her for everything, but i felt like that was too small of a gesture. 

we were expecting to leave by noon, but it turns out that my bladder wasn't emptying properly because of all the swelling. this explained a lot, because the only pain i was experiencing was when i had to pee. i ended up staying until the next day at noonish. brendan spent that night at home with eamon, and i was on my own with otis. we managed quite well, and i found it really bonding to just be alone with him. 

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things people told me afterwards...

• rach told me that susan had said that i had to work harder than most women to push out my baby because of my low pelvic arch. susan also said that she'd been anticipating a shoulder dystocia, and was prepared for that possibility. i'm glad i didn't have that, but was encouraged that susan knew what to do in that event. another thing, was that apparently susan was considering doing an episiotomy. another thing i was glad i didn't have. 

• b said he got really nervous when otis reached the same spot as where eamon got stuck. he also felt awful that i was in so much pain and he wasn't doing anything. he was struck by how unfair birth is. he's the one who got me pregnant, and now i was in agony pushing out that baby. b also pointed out that susan would frequently say "push out your baby". which is really nice and motivating. 

otis's birth – part 3

during our car ride to the hospital, i had at least 3 strong contractions. now, it's difficult to say if they were stronger because i didn't have my hot pad on my back, or because they were simply getting stronger, but i was starting to get suspicious that i was transitioning. at the very least, i was hoping i was because if that was not the strongest level of pain i was going to face, i wasn't sure how i was going to manage. 

brendan drove cautiously, but after he stopped at a neighbourhood stop sign when no other cars were around, i told him (mid contraction) "DON'T STOP!". the windows were down in the car (since it was a VERY hot september night), and with each contraction i would yell out these loud tarzan like cries "ahAH-AH-AH-AH". when we got to the lights at princess and victoria, there was a car in front of us that had queen's students gathering around it. i was so annoyed, and worried that they would not clear out of the way by the time the light turned green. i was fully prepared to tell "GET OUT OF THE WAY! I'M IN LABOUR!" if they didn't move. but thankfully they did. it was bizarre driving through campus with all these students everywhere.

when we arrived at the front entrance of KGH, brendan dropped me off, while rach dropped shanno off, and they headed to go park the cars while we went inside. i wasn't sure if someone would suddenly appear with a wheelchair (like they do in the movies), but we didn't stick around to find out, and instead headed for connell 5. one of the funniest experiences for me, was when we stopped in the hall just past the lobby so i could have a contraction. i was leaning on a pillar and shannon was kneeling down applying counter pressure on my back as I yelled out, and these people walking by asked "is she ok?", to which shannon explained "oh, she's alright, she's just in labour". i find it so strange and funny that they weren't able to piece together that a very pregnant woman+in a hospital+making loud painful sounds=labour. after that one passed, we kept walking and talking as if everything was normal. we had to stop another few times. i also had a contraction in the elevator, during which i tried to exit (and managed to). shanno tried to encourage me to stay on the elevator if that helped, but i was scared that it would start moving again to another floor with us on it, thus delaying us from getting to connell 5. we managed ok though :)

when we got to the nursing station, we told them that i was in labour and we were meeting my midwife susan there. thankfully brendan and rachel showed up very quickly because they had my purse/healthcard. it seems that susan did call ahead and they were expecting me, so they showed me to my room; a different room from last time, which i had been hoping for – i wanted a room with bigger windows, although it was midnight by the time we arrived, so we couldn't see anything anyway. but i still liked that we had a different room. when we entered, the nurse said "there's the washroom if you need it", and i was tempted to go, but then thought "i should wait til susan gets here, just in case...". i was standing with someone (i think it was shannon) contracting in the bathroom when susan arrived. at first she implied that we still had time to do a few different things, but i remember feeling sure that i was quite far along, and just wanted to get checked to find out for sure. we moved into the room close to the bed when i felt an urge to barf. so i stood there gagging and heaving over my metal mixing bowl. thankfully i didn't barf (just one less unpleasant thing to deal with). susan asked me "are you pushing while you're heaving?" and i said "maybe". there was so many things happening at once in my body that i couldn't be sure, but definitely couldn't rule it out. 

she had me lie down so she could check my cervix, and told me i that i was 8 cm. that was both encouraging and disappointing at the same time. i was sure that i was VERY ready to push this baby out, and i didn't know how long it would be until 10 cm. she explained that although my water had broken, there was still a membrane covering my cervical opening, and asked permission to break that, and i agreed. after she did that, i was 9 cm. she then told me that there was still a little bit of cervix in the way, but she could push it away with her hand, so if i could push with my next contraction, she might be able to get it out of the way, and that worked! so i was 10 cm in no time. i was finding the contractions just AWFUL, so i asked if i could have some gas. but she explained that because i was about to start pushing i couldn't have any gas because it would make me light headed, so i had to do without. 

i remember crying out and writhing about on the bed, and susan trying to calm me down so she could talk to me. she told me that i had to channel my cries down, because i couldn't push if my diaphragm was open. so tried redirecting my instincts down toward my bum. pushing was hard, especially when dealing with a contraction that i just wanted to go away. 

soon i was hearing susan say "she has a low pelvic arch, so it's going to be difficult to push him past her pelvis". this was very interesting and revealing since i had difficulties pushing our eamon, but no one ever mentioned anything about a low pelvic arch before. she also explained that she knew very specific positions that would help work around that issue. so oddly enough, she started me on my back with my legs up. i remember hearing her say "his head is moulding". in the meantime, i could not keep my eyes open, and i was sweating buckets. shannon kept giving me sips of drinks between contractions, rach was holding the fetal monitor in place (because they had to keep track of him, since fetal distress is the first sign of uterine rupture. thankfully, his heart-rate was strong the whole time, and even with all my moving and writhing, the monitor was able to get a consistent read), and b helped with damp cloths on my face. at some point, the back-up midwife sarah arrived. 

the next position we tried was me kneeling on the bed, facing backwards, holding onto a bar on the other side. this was not my favourite position, but it seemed to have a positive contribution. then we moved onto the birth stool (i'll just stop to say at this point, but grateful i am that i didn't have an epidural because i would not have been able to move around so much, and get into so many different positions. also, it never once occurred to me to ask for an epidural. i didn't want one, i wasn't tempted to have one, it wasn't even on my radar). the birth stool was neat, because i was able to grab the underside of the stool and pull up with my hands, while pushing down with the rest of me. eventually though, she said that the birth stool had been really effective, but had also resulted in lots of swelling, so it was time to change positions again.

at that point, susan suggested i try going to pee. i think she thought it would help if my bladder was full, it might have been in the way a little. rachel helped me to the bathroom (still with my eyes closed), and when i had another contraction, she told me just to hold on to her. so i grabbed and squeezed her arms. i sat on the toilet for a few contractions, but it seems i didn't have to pee, so we headed back to the bed, where i lied on my back again. for a time we used the stirrups, but mostly i just had to pull back on my legs with some help. it often felt like i wasn't holding my pushes for long enough. she would tell me "keep going, keep going", but i needed to take a breath, so usually stopped before she said i could. sometimes she'd tell me "take your rest", but i could feel that he contraction wasn't done yet. but she told me that little pushes didn't help, and that i needed to save my energy for the big long pushes. 

all this time, i felt like i was trying to have a massive poo while being extremely constipated. i pushed and pushed, but that poo did not come out. eventually, i just told myself i was just pooping, and let go of the idea of pushing out a baby. i think that really helped. it actually released me from a lot of potential fears. susan would often insert a finger and tug a little as a indication of where i should be directing my pushes, and that really helped as well. sometimes she'd say "can you feel your baby?" and i'd always say "no" or shake my head. as far as i was concerned i was just pooping. the last status update she'd given me was that i needed to push him past my pelvis, and until she said otherwise, i wasn't going to get my hopes up that i'd achieved that. so again, i just focused on pooping. 

eventually, shanno, b and rach started saying "i can see his head! there's his head!", but we could see eamon's head last time, and that didn't mean anything, so i tried to keep my expectations low. susan asked me if i wanted to feel my baby's head, so i did, but it didn't feel like a baby's head. everything was puffy down there, and his head was just more puffiness. but regardless, it was still encouraging. i think there was more of his head than there was of eamon's last time. as the pushing continued, i thought about how much i hated it, and how much i wanted it to be over. but i knew the only way to be finished was to push him out, so i kept working and trying really hard. the pain was very motivating. part of me felt like "why don't they just pull him out already".

even though people were talking about his head, no one actually used to the words "he's crowning", so i didn't want to jump to any conclusions. i've hard rachel talk about "the ring of fire" many times in regards to birth, so when i started feeling the burn, i concluded that he must be crowning. in a way, it was better to read my own body signs than be told that he was crowning. susan was placing warm cloths on me, which was soothing, and i figured they also helped to reduce tearing. i can't remember if anyone said that his head was out of not, but i remember brendan, shannon and rach said "he's moving around! les, he's moving around a lot!", and they were obviously very excited. but i had no idea what they meant by that, babies move around, right? when i asked b about that later, he said that the baby's head was out, and he was turning it side to side. he half expected the baby's head to keep spinning around like in the exorcist. i think i had two more contractions/pushes, and the next thing i knew he was lying on my belly. i could feel him, and he felt very little, and all limbs. everyone was saying "he looks so different to eamon". 

otis's birth – part 2

susan had mentioned that the midwives were having an evening meeting at the clinic, but when we arrived it looked like they were having a potluck. we didn't want to interrupt, especially since we were early, so we walked around the building a few times before one of the midwives came out and we mentioned we were there to see susan. the weird thing was that that midwife asked us (a man and very pregnant woman) if we were clients and if we had an appointment. so we confirmed that we were and that susan was expecting us. 

she brought us inside, and someone joked about how if we wanted to have our baby then, all the midwives where there and could help :) i remember seeing alyssa and she waved at us. susan took us into her room and got me set up on the monitor. she was going to let it run for a half hour to see how my baby's heart rate was, and to see if i was having contractions. thankfully his heart-rate was strong, so that was not an issue. she also checked my cervix and found that i was 2-3 cm dilated. over that half hour i had 5 contractions that were growing in intensity, but she said they'd need to be longer and stronger than that. it turns out the midwives where having a party-meeting. they have some new equipment that doesn't fit super well into their bags, so they had this dinner meeting (ordering in thai/cambodian food from pat's) to share ideas on how everyone is managing their equipment. she also mentioned (and i can't remember if this was funding they're hoping for or have officially heard that they're receiving) that they were celebrating some funding for new bags. 

anyway, she also took us into the pap-room to do an internal exam and used a swab to confirm that it was definitely my amniotic fluid – and it was. she went over my options. i could be induced right away or i could wait 24 hours (from when my water broke), because 50% of women will go into labour on their own within 24 hours, or i could wait 36 hours, because 75% of women go into labour within 36 hours. waiting 48 hours was also an option, but not one she encouraged, and truthfully i didn't want to wait that long either. i told her that i didn't want to be induced, and that i wanted to wait 36 hours before further action was taken. so we came up with the plan that i would go home, take a bath (she only recommended one bath since my water was broken so that protective seal was gone, but i could take as many showers as i wanted), take some tylenol and gravol and try to get some sleep on the recliner on our couch (i could lay down, which would keep the contractions coming, but not be reclined all the way so i could still get some rest). then we'd be in touch again in the morning. 

so we went home with that plan. when i got there, i decided to have a shower instead of a bath because the thought of getting down and up again into the tub seemed very difficult. so i started a shower. it was so nice in there, that i just stayed in. i found my contractions were increasing, so i'd just move and sway, and allow the hot water to fall on my back during each new wave. after a half hour, i thought i probably should get out. during that half hour, i estimated that i'd had about 10 contractions, and they were getting stronger. 

when i got out, i got ready for bed (teeth, contacts, etc) and headed to the living room to sleep on the couch. not only was i not really sleepy, i was starting to feel like the baby was going to come sooner than the following morning. i tried to explain to brendan that i didn't think getting sleep was necessary, but he didn't quite catch my drift right away (which was i think the baby is coming). we got out my trusty hot-pad, and with each contraction, i would stand up and he would apply the pad to my lower back until it was gone. we developed a pretty good system with that. i was using my iPod to time them, and found that they were less than 5 minutes apart, but they weren't hitting that 1 minute long target, so we just kept waiting. brendan was tired, and i kept saying "maybe we should call the girls back", but he thought it was too soon to trouble them. 

around 10:30, i did call them and said "it's time to come back". i also called my mom around that time, realizing i hadn't given her an update since early afternoon. when i told her "my contractions are 2 to 3 minutes apart" she said "shouldn't you be at the hospital by now?", so i explained that we were waiting for the contractions to last 1 minute, be 5 minutes apart for 1 hour. by then my contractions were varying in length from 45 seconds to 1.15 minutes, and i thought they should be more consistent than that. eventually, when we reached 2 hours at that pace, brendan called susan again, and she asked to speak to me. while on the phone with her, i had 2 more contractions and she was able to hear me. i remember feeling slightly self-conscious that everyone was just sitting watching/listening to me during those 2 contractions. when i got back on the phone with her, we tried to determine when was the right time to meet up at the hospital. i didn't want to head over too early, and i kind of thought she'd come check me at home first, but she said to me "are you having any pressure or sensation in your rectum?", and at that point i was starting to, so i said "a little". so with that she decided we'd leave right away to meet at KGH. brendan, shannon and rach helped me get ready. i had a few remaining things to go in my overnight bag (thankfully i had prepared a list so they could just grab the things without me having to think about it). i felt very lucid and normal between contractions, i could talk and express my needs quite well, which was good (different from last time).

by then i'd asked for a bowl in case i had to barf, and i had a trusty dishtowel that i used to wipe my constantly sweating face. i was thankful for the dishtowel because it doubled as something for me to squeeze when a contraction came on. so with those things in my hands, we got into our cars and headed out.

otis's birth – part 1

i was fully asleep when i was woken up by my water breaking at 4:30 am. it was a subtle feeling, but it woke me anyway. i immediately sat up to rush to the bathroom and told brendan "my water broke". it leaked out all the way to the washroom. brendan, who is usually dazed and confused when he's been sleeping, tried his best to clean it up, by going back and forth to the kitchen getting one piece of paper towel at a time. at one point, he even started spraying the floor with some cleaner. 

thankfully though, it was clear (no meconium). so once, we changed the sheets and dried the floor, we got back into bed. since my side of the bed was quite wet, i suggested we put some newspaper down on the mattress before putting on the sheets (inspired by 'call the midwife'). that worked pretty well. so we tried to sleep for another 2 hours, but not only was i not sleepy, i was having regular contractions roughly 6 minutes apart. i was encouraged. last time, no contractions started after my water broke. we waited until 6:30 before calling our doulas and midwife. the plan was to get eamon to daycare, and then we could focus more on the birth. around 7 we called our families to let them know. i'd made arrangements with joy to pick up eamon from daycare so he could spend the evening with them, then nancy would pick him up around 7 or 8, to take him to their place to sleep. he's had sleepovers there before, and she has a toddler bed set up for him in the guest room, so it would be the easiest overnight solution. since it was the first day of school, eamon was starting in a new class at daycare. he'd had a few visits up to that class and had started expressing resistance to the idea of that being his new room (often saying "no big boy room" before leaving in the morning). we'd miss picking him up and seeing how his day went in the new room.

soon after my water broke, i estimated that since i was already having contractions, AND i was expected to dilate quicker this time around, that the baby could be born by late afternoon. however, by then i hadn't noticed that my contractions had gone away. they only occurred when i was lying down. once i was up and doing, nothing happened. 

brendan decided he would go into work, at least until thing got going. so he headed out with eamon as per usual. after he left, i sat out front on the porch drinking tea like it was a regular day.  rachel and shannon arrived around 8 and we decided to go for a walk; it was a lovely day, and walking usually helps get things moving. we walked up to the new schools because rach and shannon didn't know where the schools were being built, then walked more about the neighbourhood. while walking shannon suggested we play scrabble! and why not? we had a lot of waiting to do.

so we played scrabble and ate the banana bread that eamon and i had made on saturday. shannon started recording my contractions, which were random and inconsistent. she developed a rating scale to keep track of their intensity. in the meantime (around 11), b came home for lunch. his co-worker was VERY surprised that he was at work at all – people definitely have the impression from tv that labour is fast and dramatic. sometimes there's a lot of waiting around to be had. as we chatted, we talked about how susan (my midwife) had recommended using a breast pump to help things progress (and rach mentioned that she found nursing astrid very helpful when her water broke with muirgen). so we headed out to medical arts pharmacy to rent one. however, when we arrived, we learned that to buy the equipment (tubes, bottles, etc) to go with the pump costs $75, in addition to the $25 for the pump rental. so we left, since i'd decided in advance (without knowing how much it would cost) that i would be willing to pay up to $50 for the rental. we got home, and chatted together about what to do next, and concluded that i should have a nap and the girls were going to "go home" (turns out they went for a massive feast at red lobster. this is extra funny to me since they're vegetarians. well i guess they're technically pescetarians).

while lying down, my contractions got stronger. i couldn't sleep, probably because i'd had some ice tea while playing scrabble, but thought resting was good for me. i spend some time reading while i lied down, and figured out how to use this contract timer app on my ipod. it was very handy, and showed my contractions were once again steady while lying down. i called b at work to talk things over. by this time it was early afternoon, and it was clear that my prediction of a late afternoon birth was not going to happen. i was starting to feel anxious that things weren't progressing and i was going to find myself labouring through the night and exhausted like i did with eamon. i concluded that paying $100 to get my contractions going stronger was worth it if it meant i wouldn't need to be induced. so i emailed shannon and rachel and they came back to get me so we could pick up the breast pump. BUT when we got back to the pharmacy, the lady told us that the last one was just rented out a half hour before. while that was disappointing, part me of questioned if we should do the breast pump thing at all. i did after all want to wait for my body to do the work itself. maybe it was for the best that it was gone.

we did, however, come up with the idea to go to the shoppers home healthcare place to see if they rent them out too. and thought we'd just check in at shoppers first to see if they have any pumps for sale. in the end, we chose a manual pump that was on sale for $25. while we were there, i thought i'd get some longer pads, because i was having to wear 2 pads all the time because my water kept gushing from time to time. we picked some out and started towards the cash when shannon spotted some depends underpants. i had heard that depends were good for when your water spontaneously breaks, so i decided to get those instead. we really didn't know how much the depends would absorb (were they for dribbles or full on blabber expulsion), so we got the maximum absorbancy ones.

when we got home, we tried out the pump while brendan called susan again. she recommend that we use the pump for 15 minutes, then take a break for 45 minutes. i was lying down while using the pump and while i THINK i had contractions (i already can't remember all the details), it was hard to tell if it was because of the pump or the lying down. during our 45 minute break, we went for another walk, and i tried walking along the curb to help position the baby well (so that his head would press firmly against my cervix). i took the girls down this secret path behind the houses near my house. it's a neat spot that feels far from the city. i can see my sons playing there when they're bigger, even building a fort there. the path leads down to the oak street garden. i like being able to see in to my neighbours backyards.

while i tried my second 15 minute session on the pump, shannon (by then known as 'the party doula') got out some madlibs and we played while we waited. we also decided to order a pizza. while not a lot happened labour-wise, it was a fun day of hangout all together :) we had lots of laughs throughout the day. one thing that made us laugh was that for the last few hours i had kept talking about my breasts producing meconium while using the pump. i MEANT to say colostrum, but shannon didn't correct me and rach didn't notice for at least 2 hours :p

brendan had arranged with susan that we would go to the midwives clinic at 7:45 so she could run some tests and we could come up with a plan. as we ate dinner, i was saying how i was feeling anxious that things were too similar to last time, and worried that things were going to turn out the same way. i was surprised by this, because i had expected to feel worried about pushing my baby out, i hadn't expected things to be similar to last time. although, my water was clear, AND i was having contractions (even if they were random), so there was some differences.

anyway, 7:35 came around and we all headed out. b and i to the clinic and the girls were going to head home until we called them later on.

+3

it's been a LONG weekend without any plans. eamon's in a weird pesty mood these days, and it's tiring us out. thankfully, nancy offered to have him for a bit today, and after breakfast, he immediately got dressed and put on his shoes saying he was going to nana's. so i gave her a call and she was more than happy to have him.

so i got to sleep in til 10. then we went to the collins bay flea market. it was my first time there, which was ironic because i grew up in collins bay and had never been there before. it's been a flea market for ~25-30 years. before that it was a john's deli. i went there when it was john's deli and bought mini-chickets. anyway, after that we went for a long long walk at lemoine point. it was nice. more relaxing than it would've been with eamon.

this is a funny time in life. well, not funny 'haha', but funny as in interesting and unique. as far as i know, this is my final time waiting for baby. and that makes this really nice and special. it naturally dominates my thoughts. i feel torn between enjoying this familiar and predictable existence, and longing for my baby's arrival – and all the excitement and joy that can bring (and relief too).

i know that there are things you can do to bring on labour, but i'm actually opting to wait it out, rather than trying to influence something i can't/shouldn't. i'm quite convinced that all the interventions last time (great and small) only interfered with eamon's birth, instead of helping.

i have a lot of fears too. fears that they'll have to end up intervening if or when he goes way over due (when talking with a friend the other day, she told he how ratty and falling apart her placenta was when her baby was born 10 days late). i've been trying to avoid being induced, so i would be very said if they end up breaking my water. i'm also worried that my body will be slow to act – too slow. i can't say it's given me a lot of reason to be confident in its readiness to begin labour. then again, rach and alyssa both keep saying how well i dilated, even when induced. so maybe i should have more faith in my body's ability to birth well. i dunno. we'll find out eventually, i guess.