2018

2018

twenty-eighteen

what a year.

the things that first come to mind for me are two low lights.

1) breaking my foot

2) having lice

and to make matters worse, i had both of those at the same time (while brendan was out of town).

i also re-dreaded my hair, and dealt with the backlash of one very confrontational person in my life who tried to publicly shame me because she disapproved of my hair-style. i would be lying if i said that didn't hurt me a great deal. but i think that's ultimately what she was aiming for, so i think it's fair to say that was a success.

i did a puzzle this week. the last time i did a puzzle was christmas 2015. when eamon was the age that otis is now. so i'm really enjoying moving into a new stage of parenting and with it new levels of freedom. we got rid of our crib and toddler bed, and set up our kids on a bunk bed. eamon learned to ride a two-wheeler (pretty much on his own), and we enjoyed cycling to school together during september (i look forward to riding again once may arrives). and otis is almost completely stroller free (with the exception of long-walks). i enjoyed the baby stage with my kids, but like a wonderful guest who stayed just a little too long, we were ready for the baby stage to be done.

this year presented several surprises and new opportunities. i suppose this should be old hat by now. life always comes with twists and turns. i had to finish my after-school-care 2 months early because of my broken foot, but almost immediately transitioned into a new casual (one day a week) comms job with nightlight canada. i was also offered a monthly freelance gig doing a magazine for the sally ann (starting in jan 2019). i'm excited about this, and find it interesting that i will have 3 jobs simultaneously, yet haven't had a resume since 2003. my job at next doesn't even feel like a job, because i enjoy doing it and would do it for free if i didn't need to work (but unfortunately i do, so thankfully they pay me what they can).

we took a family trip to NYC during the hottest week of the summer. it was fun, AND exhausting. it was an adventure, as well as an eye opener (about family dynamics, our marriage dynamic, and how we can travel better next time). we've booked a trip to south carolina for march break. other than the long drive, it will be a nice change of pace from our NYC trip. we booked a cottage on a creek by a beach.

my dad had a kidney transplant, and now has (count them... 1, 2, 3) THREE kidneys. he is unbelievably resilient, and i'm proud of him for taking care of his health (especially as a single man in his 70s). this type of life event brings certain family issues to the surface (particularly unfinished business that is usually easy to ignore). i'm grateful that joy and i were able to be a team and support my dad and each other during that procedure and his recovery. i feel it's taken along time, but she and i have gotten to a good and positive place with our relationship. sadly, it revealed less positive things about my relationship and family history with my mom. but i am trying to stay optimistic that this too can be redeemed.

the lives of my friends around me are changing too. some are in the teen-years stage of parenting, others have new partners (who come with kids of their own), some are single again for the first time in over a decade (and it's a privilege to walk with them during this reboot of their lives, to encourage them and support their dreams). we have shannon living downstairs for the next 5-6 months. it's been a joy to have her here. our kids adore her. we get to hangout more and know more about what's going on in her life. she's such a fun person, and we are so proud of her.

we're getting to know more neighbours, and ben+meg moved to the hood. i'm getting involved with the kingscourt association. and the fellas and i got a paper route on our street (eamon hasn't taken to it as well as i would've liked, but to be fair, the papers are too thick for his hands and most of the mailboxes are too high for him – but i feel his current level of participation is age appropriate).

in 2019...

• we're going to south carolina (as previously mentioned)

• i'm hoping to get the deck at our main street house replaced

• i want to do some minor to medium upgrades to our bathroom

• we're hoping to do more camping (perhaps a few weekend trips, as well as a longer stint)

• rach and i plan to trek the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday

• i want to write a letter to the limestone board about excessive screen time in kindergarten classrooms (particularly during lunch time)

• and i want to put together a petition to end the seasonal time-change (spring forward, fall backward)

• my mom is moving house (into town from amherstview)

• and brendan's job might expand, evolve or change, which is exciting

• i'm hoping to be more body-positive, and appreciate my body for its individuality

so there are lots of good things to look forward to, and i'm excited.

again

it seems another year has passed, and it's time for my annual birthday eve blog post.

to start, i'd like to welcome and say hello to brendan (most-likely the only person who will read this).

as the sun sets on my 39th year (my year of being 38), i'm reminded of being 28 and turning 29. i felt relief from a lot of social pressures (whether it was in my head or real i don't know), and i felt really liberated. probably for the first time in my life. and it shifted my perspective and prepared me for moving into my 30s. i felt at peace and finally let go of "should've" beliefs about myself.

at 38, feeling that liberty between me and society is old hat. and i'm glad. my current battle is an inward one with myself. learning to let go of the "should've" beliefs about my body. i think the struggle for body acceptance can be a long one, especially since bodies change over time. and i'm hoping that by the time i turn 40 next year, that i will be writing about the peace i have about my body and the appreciation i have for it. right now, i feel like it's my body that makes me feel middle-aged. my thicker waste, my chubby face. i recognize that i need to re-frame how i see myself, but it's not going to happen overnight. i'm encouraged by the recent baroness von sketch show sketch i saw about turning 40 and suddenly becoming unself-conscious about your body. there's good things ahead. freedom. liberty. basically, the stuff i long for as a enneagram 7.

i was telling someone the other day how being married to a much younger man makes me feel younger. i think it's because i share in his life discoveries, and journey with him as he figured out his 20s, and now his 30s. as usual, it's the people around me who make me not afraid of getting older. about the newness of being old(er). whether its people younger than me, or older than me, they give me courage, hope and a sense of adventure.

the thing i've found about being in my late 30s, compared to being in my late 20s, or even early 30s, is that i feel less visceral excitement about my age. but, i feel much more deeply contented.

waterloo sunset

i woke up this morning with a song stuck in my head. i tried to sing the melody to brendan, but didn't know any of the words. part of me thought it might have the word 'sunrise' in it. it was such a lovely song, and it irritated me that i couldn't pin down what i knew it from. part of me wondered if it was from 'juliet, naked' the other day. brendan even sent me the soundtrack to figure out if it was from that, and i didn't find anything that stuck out to me.

then out of the blue, the word 'waterloo' came to mind. and i realized it WAS from that movie. so now i'm listening to it whenever i get the chance. being in the grasp of a song, really moved me to want to write.

i actually think, despite all my life changes, the absence of music that sinks its teeth into me is probably the main reason why i haven't been prolifically writing the way i used to.

in my current mind-set, i hope to write more regularly again. now that otis is two, life is turning a corner for me, and i'm excited about having more freedom. and being more connected with myself and others.

as long as i gaze on waterloo sunset, i am in paradise.

we've just arrived home from our trip to new york city. this was brendan and my 8th vacation (trip) together. i suppose every trip has been different, and there's no comparing them. this one had it's challenges, most notably the heat (45ºC for the first few days), small children, different expectations and perspectives between b and me (and wasting our evening arguing about that after the kids were in bed), and almost completely no accessibility features (automatic doors, or elevators in subways). for all those reasons, it was tiring.

i list those things first, because i would be lying if i left that stuff out. there were significant factors during our week away. but the highlights were just as many...

• being with my 3 fellas, and introducing eamon to famous landmarks

• simply being in manhatten (and hoboken too). NYC stirs a part of me that nothing else does. it's feels like being immersed in art. endless art that just keeps going in every direction.

• having our own apartment (making our own meals, having a living room to retreat to while the kids slept)

• the pleasure of figuring out a city, especially the metro system

• seeing familiar landmarks off in the distance, hanging out in central park and riding in a yellow taxi

right now, everything is fresh, and i feel tired. but i know in time, that the hard parts will fade in my memory, and i'll only remember the best parts.

i don't know when i wrote last. and i don't know if anyone will read this. but i thought i'd do it anyway.

in some ways, the last few months have been challenging. but in other ways they've been positive. eamon has been getting to know the kids across the street, and has been going over to play outside with them whenever he has a chance. unfortunately, the family closest to him in age are moving to the country in the next few weeks. but he's enjoyed them in the meantime. otis is his sweet self. he had his last day at daycare with lisa yesterday. it broke my heart a little bit, because they have a lovely connection, and hit made my heart hurt thinking of this being the end of their relationship. but she has been taking care of kids for 20 years, so she's seen countless kids come and go from her home. so i'm sure she's used to it.

we're leaving on vacation in 2 days. i'm thrilled at the thought of a new adventure. it's been a while since we went anywhere, and i love NYC, so i'm extra excited about going. we're being carefully optimistic. trying to anticipate our needs ahead of time to minimize hurdles. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that we'll manage everything that comes our way.

b and i celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. there's something about reaching this milestone that feels like we're not newbies anymore. i'm looking forward to spending quality time with him on vacation. in the fall we'll go away for a weekend for our 9th dating anniversary.

#thatsit #thatsall (for now)

i'm supposed to get my cast off tomorrow. i say "supposed to" because my desire to be cast-free is so strong that i will be (in a sense) devastated they decide i need more time on crutches. last night i literary dreamt that i got the appointment time wrong and i had to keep the cast on longer. i'm literally having nightmares about this. 

on that note... i'm zonked so i'm going to bed.

today was a big day that i was not really looking forward to.

i started a new part-time job, AND brendan left for toronto for 3 days and 3 nights.

i was a little nervous about the job thing, because i haven't started many new jobs in my adult life, so it's not something i'm very experienced with. but i was very intentional to connect with my new workmates and they really helped me get oriented. by the end of the day, i was feeling really pumped.

b and i have been very intentional preparing for this week of my solo parenting with a broken foot. nexters are providing meals. joanne is going to come over for dinner with arthur tomorrow afternoon, nancy is going to help get eamon ready for bed while i nurse otis. shannon was here tonight and is sleeping over (she's going to do eamon's hair for crazy hair day tomorrow), and she'll stay over again on wednesday. my dad is driving us all (including otis) to school/daycare/work. AND eamon's soccer was cancelled tonight, so that was a nice bonus. i'm feeling very grateful.

just one more week until i get my cast off. i've set my expectations low and my hopes high. part of me just feels like "bring it on" so we can get through this week faster :p

i'm feeling pretty low this morning. despite the fact that i tried to arrange for things to go more smoothly yesterday, it didn't. the reality is that having a broken foot is a major inconvenience and a huge parenting obstacle. i keep thinking "just two more weeks", but next week is going to be the hardest part yet (with brendan going away for 4ish days). 

probably the trickiest thing is that after a difficult and challenging bout with my kids, i just want to be alone and decompress. which seems like i'm turning away from brendan and causes tension between us for no reason. 

all in all, this just sucks. big time.

sometimes i feel that being responsible for other people is too much for me. sometimes i barely have my own crap together, much less be responsible for keeping track of other people's stuff. to make matters worse, people think i'm on top of everything, and they put their trust in me to pull everything off. that is too much responsibility. any amount of being on the ball requires a lot of effort on my part. 

i know it's a small thing, but today is this track and field event for eamon's whole school at caraco field with lots of other schools. to help keep track of everyone, they asked that the kids all wear their school shirts (with the logo on it). i bought one for eamon for christmas, but it's much too big, so i put it away. he sometimes finds it and likes to wear it, so i knew he would be thrilled at being able to wear it today. so on thursday, i found it in the extra drawer, and i was quite pleased that i was able to put my hand to it without difficulty. do you think i could find it today, when i needed to?!?!?! NOPE. i looked everywhere. which is extremely difficult with this #@%! cast on my foot. to make matters worse, eamon had procrastinated getting dressed because he had a sliver on his foot that he would not let me remove. and lots of crying ensued. my kid is a major procrastinator with anything unpleasant. which goes against all my logic to just get through something unpleasant as quickly as possible. it frustrates me to no end that i can't reason with him. 

anyway, his shirt is still missing. i kind of hope this event gets postponed because of the weather, and we can have another go at finding it. 

i'm feeling very grateful. today was probably my best day on crutches. otis and i had a good morning together, followed by a nice nap. when eamon got home from school, we hung out outside, until brendan got home and we went to the library. after dinner, i was able to do the dishes. then i spent the evening hand-crafting while watching netflix. *exhale* sometimes i takes the bad days to make the good days better.

after feeling frustratingly useless, and struggling with guilt about not being helpful enough, i found a way to work in the garden today. the bottom of my cast is covered in mud from where i rested it on the soil, but i managed to fill three yard-waste bags.

the impact of a broken foot is subtle. it's putting tidying and chores off until later, only to realize later is 5 weeks from now. it's not being able to run to my toddler who is screaming in the park behind my house when the neighbours dog has startled/scared him. it's a middle-of-the-night fight with brendan, that still has me feeling sad, even though i know the words exchanged where said in frustration, and were not sincere.

it's not that i don't know how to manage the next 5 weeks, it's that i don't want to. i wish i was just having a normal may, as planned, and not all this crap.

when i was young and on my own... i learned how to be self-affirming. words of affirmation is one of my main love languages, and i would often rely on song lyrics to give me positive and reassuring words. 

right now, with this broken foot, i'm struggling a lot with guilt. i hate inconveniencing people, and i hate that i've put the families i take care of after school in a difficult position. i've struggled back and forth, trying to decide if i could manage them with my cast and crutches, but i can barely manage my own kids. having to juggle 4 would definitely be beyond my scope of ability at this time, and i think i'd end up feeling over-whelmed and regretful. i really hope something can work out for them. 

all that said, my first order of business is to listen to a bunch of affirmative songs, such as "she's like a rainbow".

actually, on that note, brendan and i got into a small squabble recently about love song lyrics. i wanted to know what love song made him think of me, and previously he'd given me an answer that implied that there weren't any. i was disappointed by that, but i suppose this is linked to what i explained above. although, at the end of that squabble, brendan said i misunderstood him. and now that i think of it, i know that there's a few 'wings' songs that brendan associates with me. 

but enough about b, i need to give myself a dose of affirming lyrics. 

i've broken a bone in my foot. and while that's a whole other story (or rather, blog entry), i've been thinking a lot about what i'm able to cope with and do while i'm recovering.

the thing i have always struggled with is the difference between whether i can or whether i should. most of the time, i opt to go with what i can do, believing that the can = the should. however, i have had a recent experience where pretty much everyone in my life was telling me that i shouldn't do something, but i couldn't come up with a concrete reason not to (other than my instincts and everyone else's hesitations), so i went ahead. it went badly, and in hindsight i should not have agreed to it. but, as they say 'hindsight is 20/20".

so here i am, with my foot and leg in a plaster cast, hobbling around in crutches, trying to get a clear idea of what the next 6 weeks will be like. several pragmatic people in my life seem to feel that they'll soon switch me to a walking cast, and it'll be smooth sailing. but the doctor was super clear that he wanted to put me in a walking cast, but because of the nature of the break, he had to put me in a plaster cast and on crutches. others have encouraged me that i'll soon get the hang of the crutches, but i'm more doubtful. i had crutches for a time when i was 17 when i dislocated my knee – my body is 21 years older now. i don't expect these crutches to get that much easier (read: i won't ever become speedy or agile).

3 days done. 8 to go before my appointment at the bone clinic. 2 fingers crossed that our little friends will find a good after school solution.

sue told me today that they've noticed how sad i've been over the last month, since an altercation in my workplace. it's not just that one event, because since then i have been repeatedly bullied, with an open threat of more bullying. sue suggested i spend some time reflecting so i can work through my hurt and fears. 

i've felt my hurt right under the surface for the last month, and have tried to be normal while having what feels like a heavy rock sitting on my heart all this time. no amount of logic or loving affirmation from friends or b has helped alieve the hurt of being an adult bullied by someone i tried to befriend. i've been reluctant to openly blog about it, because of the fear of vulnerability if my bully finds this site and discovers that she was successful in hurting me. 

i was on the verge of tears while at the busstop today, but held it in because i needed to go pick up the kids at school. the timing wasn't right. so this evening, after watching our current netflix show, i said to b "what would you do?" and by do, i don't mean external action, but i wondered what i should do internally to take care of myself, to find freedom from this, to not feel my hurt still so acutely, to not have to hold in tears at the busstop. and as i talked with him, expressing my hurt and confusion, i cried and cried. one might even say that i wept. 

and i think i was able to cut to the deepest heart of the matter. what's always at the centre of me, and every aspect of my life. where was my love? and why did he seem so absent? why does he always disappear when i'm most hurting? i've been wanting to feel and be externally vindicated by him. i've wanted to be exonerated, but instead i've just felt uncared for. 

i think when this is all said and done, i'm going to be more callused. and when i say that, i don't mean to say that i will become unfeeling. but instead, like fingers made tough by playing guitar, that allows the musician to play better, longer, and more effectively. or like callused feet, that allow a person to walk in stones or over a rocky surface without being harmed. my hope is that i will be able to interact with prickly, angry, "dangerous" or harmful people without feeling the effects of their words and/or behaviour in a personal way. i have known people who can respond to such people with grace, maturity and dignity. and i guess i could consider myself lucky to gain something from this. 

relationally, i don't know where or how things can go from here. but i suppose, i don't need to know or have that figured out yet. the more important questions are what is it that i want, who do i want to be, and how do i do that? 

i remember hearing phylis tickle speak at an event once, and she talked about how God often uses her husband as a conduit for his love. that she can and does know God's love through the embrace or care from her husband. tonight, i sat on the couch crying/weeping, and brendan slid over beside me to put his arm around me as i belly cried. i don't know if it was in that moment that my love showed up, or if it was simply revealed to me for the first time during this "ordeal". (it's not really an ordeal. it's just a thing that happened. and as time passes it will be come a smaller and smaller thing) anyway, i'm grateful for that human love that gives me a glimpse into the big, big heart of that bigger love. 

i was in the park with otis today. he can go down slides endlessly. my interest in waiting is less than his in slides. while we were there, there were a few other moms with small children. one had a baby who could crawl and a boy around 3. she literally had her hands full. i remember that stage with my kids, and remember it as one of my more difficult stages of life. i don't miss that at all. i love this stage. where my kids have a budding relationship. where i'm freed up to be more present with them and others.

the weather was tremendous, and this afternoon, me and the after school gang played with some neighbourhood kids across the street. i don't know what i'd do without spring. it's the most hopeful season.

i remember sharing a few years ago at next about my dark night of the soul. and feeling as though i was in a spiritual winter. i feel like spring these days. new, fresh, almost an infant in some ways; but growing stronger every day.

in the last week or so, it's felt like we've been hit with a barrage of other people's problems. other people's problems are directly impacting us, and i don't really like it. maybe it's just that it's all happening at once or maybe it's just a result of living interconnected lives. regardless, i'd really like some personal space. it's partly the introvert in me, but also a boundaries thing.

all this to say, we've decided against renting out our basement on airbnb this summer. it would be just one thing that links our lives with other people's.
 

it's been at least since the beginning of december, maybe longer, that i've been without a good book. and i'd finally had enough of mediocre books and decided i had to buy something that made me want to read it. the interesting thing is that it's not always necessarily about the content or the story. it has to be the writing and the ease of reading. so i ended up getting this sad book that is a really easy read. it makes me feel torn because i feel so conflicted. i'm not eager to endure the sad parts, but i am keen to keep reading. having a good book is probably the highlight of my day.

the lowlight of my day is that i'm feeling brokenhearted about something and i can't shake it off. i think about it a lot, more than i want to, from all sorts of different angles. every once and a while i get a wave of feeling like i suddenly don't care anymore, but then it comes back. i'm hopeful that this is just it working its way out of my emotional system, and i just need to patiently wait this out.

it's been a while since i wrote. largely because i've been shutting down my computer earlier during lent. it's been a positive change, but a bit challenging at times.

i'm finding myself with some spare time and at loose ends at the moment, because we put our kids to bed early tonight. otis wouldn't nap, then started falling asleep at the dinner table. eamon was grumpy and aggressive, so we thought an early bed would be good for him.

blogging is good for self-reflection. and i don't have much time for that luxury these days. between my own kids, my job at next, and afternoon childcare, being self-aware gets neglected. but one thing has been a consistent theme lately... unstable people with their own issues make direct or indirect attacks (either rude comments or full-on harassment) at me, and i don't have the discernment in the moment to let it go.

there was recently a woman, who i see around town often. she walks with her boyfriend and is pretty snarky. she's made rude comments before like "obviously you aren't from around here, or you'd know that u-turns are illegal". to which i responded "actually, they're not, as long as there isn't a sign that says 'no u-turns'". brendan just groaned at me and said "i don't know why you bother. she's obviously mentally ill". so i learned from that, and the next time that i passed her, and she grumbled "hey lady, could you walk any slower" (i was walking a normal speed, definitely faster than her), i didn't engage and just kept quiet.

i wonder if this is a matter of maturity, and with time i will lose my desire to correct the other person and point out the error in their argument. that will time, i will lose the piss and vinegar that fuels my fight or flight instinct. or is this just my personality and i will always fall into these traps with people of unsound minds. i usually end up looking like the asshole because i should've known better. what really bothers me is that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

i'm disappointed and feel a little let down. i was hoping to find some internal relief as i licked my wounds, but none really came.

over the last few weeks (and i hope this doesn't jix it), i have become very efficient with doing my dishes. and by efficient, i mean, i have been doing them each evening. and what do know... they only really take about 10 minutes to do! this has been an (adult-) life long battle for me, and i am encouraged that i'm getting better at it. it's nice not always having a pile of dishes in the corner of the kitchen.

i've also been on a streak with putting away my clothes after i take them off. what i like about this is that it really saves me time later. i don't have to deal with a large pile, instead, i only have to put 2, maybe 3 items of clothing away at a time.

:p

rose: there are certain things that i put off doing til later. but i've been trying to address them in a more timely manner. especially putting away the clothes i take off. i usually develop a large and confusing pile of clothes that i put away either once a week or once a month. i've discovered that by putting away the 2 or 3 items of clothing that i take off when i get changed, i save myself lots of time later AND it keeps my floor and side of the bedroom much tidier.

thorn: back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

several of the people that I'm closest with hate conflict. their enneagrams peg them as peacemakers. avoiding conflict has never really been a thing for me. I'm too aggressive to shy away from a fight. but lately, all I want is peace. 

now, I don't think that's the same as avoiding conflict, but I want a peaceful environment, I want harmony, I want gentleness and quiet. I REALLY want quiet. some of my favourite moments with my kids are when they are still and quiet. I think it's tied to adjusting to life with two kids. I found the volume in my life increased expedientially since otis was born, and my tolerance for noise has gone down. between the two of them, someone is always making sounds. the other day, with wishful thinking, I said to b "let's just sit here and pretend it's just us". 

with my after school kids, I have tired to not be on them about noise and have aimed to just let them be kids and give them the freedom for silliness. but at this point it seems that that's not helping anyone, so I've started implementing boundaries around loudness and language. and funnily enough, it's been very effective. today I had my favourite day with them by far. *rose*

it goes beyond noise though. I don't want to hear or be part of other people fighting, bickering or accusing each other. I just don't have energy or patience for drama. a few days ago, a friend tried to drag me into some conflict between him and a friend of mine. I felt pretty awkward about it, and my interactions with him afterwards were tense. actually... now that I think of it, I had TWO (male) friends try to drag me into conflict with mutual friends this week. and I pushed back with both. largely because I just want peace, but also because those are not my fights to be part of. by doing so, I sure hope I'm able to avoid conflict with them. *thorn*

well... we're back to our regular routine today.

• it snowed a lot, but i liked getting exercise again (walking to and from the school).
• we started night weaning otis about 10 days ago, and i think he's firmly into a routine of sleeping through the night. he even slept until 8:30 on saturday, AND éamon made me breakfast that morning :)

• i got some good teacherly advise from joy and beckie over the break, that really empowered me with the after school crew.

• i'm finding that i have a strong desire for peace in my life these days. i just don't have it in me for loud, chaos.

• our sons are playing so well together, and i just love it.

• i went through the things in our house, and i got rid of two large boxes worth of stuff. probably need to do a quarterly purge. i do hang on to stuff for sentimental reasons, so it was good to really push myself to do away with stuff i don't need and won't use ever again.

• my skin has been extremely dry this winter :S

things i want to do in 2018:

• go to new york city this summer with my three fellas

• go camping (maybe even more than once)

• try being an airbnb host

• teach otis some baby sign language (i've already successfully taught him "more")

• make a snowman

• succeed at de-cluttering, so i don't feel a need to declutter all the time

• put away my clothes when i take them off