20nineteen

so here we are, at the end of another calendar year. i always enjoy the ritual of adding birthdays and other events to my wall calendar. but this year, i ordered a grand canyon one online and it hasn't arrived yet. i'll get a delayed start to the new year.

i find that most years have a blend of good stuff and lousy stuff. and on the whole, i'd say that 2019 leaned more heavily toward the good. our trip to south carolina was a big highlight from the first half of the year. i also managed to pull off the coldest night of the year event for nightlight. that was not so much a highlight as an accomplishment that allowed me to learn and experience new things. it's also prepared me for the 2020 event, and i hope it to go more smoothly in my head and heart a second time around.

our summer was full and mostly low-key. we went camping with our boys for a week. in one sense, that was great, but in another sense, it was very frustrating. my deep desire to relax with my downtime is completely at odds with the fact that éamon appears to be constantly occupied and if he's not, he find things to do that interrupt my introvertedness. this is an on-going struggle that may never be sorted out. i sometimes feel so tapped out of my internal energy that it physically exhausts me. anyway, no time was that dynamic more evident than when we were camping for a week.

in september, rach and i went to arizona to hike the grand canyon. it was an amazing experience, and one i'm so glad to have collected. rach and i were very compatible travel companions. brendan and the boys managed well with the help of our families (including shannon). it felt good to have a break from parenting and have some breathing room to just be myself with my friend on an adventure. that was the big highlight of the second half of the year (but also a life highlight).

this year was the first in a really long time that i have had money stresses. i try to encourage myself because i know that i managed to get through those phases in my 20s, and when we get through this, it will also be a phase. but i don't love it. i dislike it. i actually hate it. i hate that whenever we're getting over one big thing another come ups... no school = day camps; leaking roof = new roof; fridge not working for tenant = repairman telling us we need a new fridge; nail in tire = two new snow tires, etc etc. i have been working hard to pick-up gigs that bring in some extra money. a birch allergy study and some freelance paid for my grand canyon trip. and i worked the election, which helped toward our many other expenses. i liked doing those other little side jobs, since i like to collect experiences, and i'm thankful for the money they brought in. i have considered whether i should be more proactive about doing more freelance, but i generally take on projects when opportunities present themselves. the one time put some word out that i was looking for work, neither ended up being life-giving work and ate up a lot of my evenings. it's a trade-off.

we remind ourselves often that this is the phase of life we're in.

sometimes i wonder if i should get a full-time job, but when i factor in the cost of childcare, we're no further ahead, just more time-poor with my kids. otis starts kindergarten this coming september, so i'll be able to pick up more hours with nightlight. once the boys are older i'll venture back to the 35-40 hour work week. i realize that my child-related expenses are not going to lessen as they get older (with the exception of otis's daycare fees, which i am pumped to be finished with), but my earning potential will go up.

speaking of earning potential... i'm really pleased with how our paper route has been going. it's been about 15 months since we started, and both my boys are really rising to he occasion. éamon no longer whines or complains about having to do it. he is enjoying having his own money, and otis is helping out enough to earn $1 per week. it has allowed us to get to know so many of our neigbours. we gave out christmas cards to at least 10 neighbours that we've met. we received $95 in christmas bonus tips this year (which we used to go bowling and to the trampoline park).

this year we also welcomed baby hugo into our circle of affection. i'm so proud of beck and pleased for her. i'm looking forward to meeting him in real life ❤

in late december last year, shannon moved into the empty space in our basement and filled it so creatively. we have loved having her as part of our household and our family. i'm sure it's not always easy, since we are loud and nosy and our kids don't understand boundaries. but we've had our laughs too.

this time last year, i listed these things for my hopes in 2019 (i've bolded the things i've actually done):

• we're going to south carolina

• i'm hoping to get the deck at our main street house replaced

• i want to do some minor to medium upgrades to our bathroom

• we're hoping to do more camping (perhaps a few weekend trips, as well as a longer stint)

• rach and i plan to trek the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday

• i want to write a letter to the limestone board about excessive screen time in kindergarten classrooms (particularly during lunch time) (not as much of an issue this year)

• and i want to put together a petition to end the seasonal time-change (spring forward, fall backward) (an MPP beat me to it)

• my mom is moving house (into town from amherstview)

• and brendan's job might expand, evolve or change, which is exciting

• i'm hoping to be more body-positive, and appreciate my body for its individuality

that's not a bad success rate :)

so in 2020...

• i'd like to get on top of our money stresses.

• we'd like to go to new orleans to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary (kind of dependent on the first bullet).

• i'd like to try proctoring during exams at queen's (both related and unrelated to bullet one).

• i'd like to significantly cut back on my use of social media (i've avoided it over this christmas break, and think that's having a positive impact on my mental health).

• similarly, i'd like to do more blogging (which is inline with this mental health kit infographic).

• i'd like to get a lot of use out of my new annual little cat conservation area pass.

• i'd like to get that electoral reform petition written and distributed.

• do more camping with friends (let me know if you're interested coming along!)

i've heard several places recently that a well rounded work out includes cardio, weights and stretching. i get cardio pretty often, and i'm aware that i need to get some weights, but stretching hasn't been a recent priority. however, brendan shared some interesting info about stretching the other day that convinced me to make it more of a priority (basically, that stretching increases strength, and our goal should more towards be bendy like bamboo, rather than ridged like an oak).

so today, while my small fellas were out on an afternoon date with gran, i thought i'd do some yoga. i'm not a fan of website that have a yoga instructor who talks incessantly, so i found one that rings a bell every time you're supposed to change position. it was neat 37 position sin 35 minutes. and i have to say... it was enlightening to say the least! i'm significantly less flexible than i was 10 years ago. so this is something to be addressed.

i used to do yoga weekly in the 20s and early 30s, but really got away from it because it didn't seem enough like a workout to me, and kids, blah blah blah. but after today's session, i'm convinced of the value.

we'll see where this goes!

--

i used to be a superhero...
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

ok, here i am.

my last day of my 30s. 

i know that i usually feel that each decade that i've just finished was my favourite. and while i think that will probably continue to be true, i do think that there will be no decade quite as pivotal as my 30s. this decade brendan and i got married and made a life together. we bought a house, then bought another house. we became parents, then became parents again. we navigated the highs and lows of care giving for two small children. and while we grew together, i feel that i also grew into a stronger, more self-assured, more skilled woman. person. i'm grateful for the richness this partnership has brought to my life. intimate relationships are not easy by their very nature, but the reward is great when the partnership is healthy and balanced. like i said to myriam, our grand canyon guide, "we couldn't have made it without you", when she responded with said "yes, you could have", i corrected myself and said "we wouldn't have wanted to". with the ups and downs of the last decade, i'm so glad that i got to experience it with b. i wouldn't have wanted to do it without him.

this decade i left my safety-net of 14 years at bbd. it was hard/rocky and uncomfortable parting of ways. like a plane landing without its landing gear. the last few years i've been enjoying a good work-life balance. having work i enjoy, find fulfilling, that keeps me grounded in my identity (as an independent woman). while still getting to pick my kids up at school/daycare to have the afternoon with them at home. this lets me be well-connected with their teachers and school environment, and enjoy this phase of their lives that is formative and fleeting. honestly, sometimes it feels like it would be easier working full time, but i know this time investment in them is a long-term one.

when i think back over my 30s, i see it as a time when i cultivated and grew my family. on my 30th birthday, my family consisted of my two parents, one sibling, her husband and two children. making a total of 7 people (including myself). as i cross the threshold into my 40s, my family has more than doubled in size to the new total of 18 (including me). similarly, my 20s was a time in which i established my community and friendships. my closest circle of friends are women i connected with in my 20s. i'm so grateful for those friendships too. women to share life with.

rachel and i trekked the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday. i consider that so much more significant than just a three day walk. it says something to me about myself. who i am and who i long to be. if i get a say, want my 40s to be about fostering my connection with the outdoors, as well as my physical strength.

my 20s was a physical roller coaster of my weight swinging from 115lbs to 190lbs then back to 125lbs. when i finally got the hang of that in my late 20s/early 30s, i was pregnant the first time not much later. my weight has as the result of two pregnancies, gone up and down some more. this time last year, i commented to my birthday guests, that i wanted to come to terms with my body. and i feel on my way to that. i'm stronger than i was this time last year, and i prioritize physical exercise in a way that i didn't then. my focus in the past was always about weight loss or weight control. at 40, i identify as a full-figured woman. i have no interest in weight loss as a goal. i do however, want to be strong, able, and fit (in my own way). and most importantly, i want to feel comfortable in my own skin. i'm working to establish a wardrobe that is flattering on my body type, but it's a work in progress (i still haven't mastered this).

brendan and i watched a foreign film a few months ago about this woman enacting eco-terrorism. the media referred to her as "mountain woman" since her identity was unknown. when i heard that, i loved it. i want to be like a mountain woman (except not literally, since we don't have mountains around here). i love that by connecting to nature and taking care of my body, i'll also be taking care of my inner self, and my emotional/mental well-being.

i imagine that my 40s will still pretty heavily weave around the needs and abilities of my dependents. they will likely also be impacted by the needs and inabilities of my parents (who are in their mid-70s – one parent has had a lot of physical health concerns over the last 10 years, while the other parent has of mental health concerns, which i expect will get increasingly challenging). i'm hoping at some point, when my kids are a little older, to find meaningful full-time work in communications. ideally, i'd like to be able to walk to work. b might start moonlighting to get his BSW (we've been talking about that a while, but it is a question of when, not if). i'd like to take trips to new orleans, costa rica, and scotland. there will be more sleeping. more relaxing. more reading.

it will be interesting to discover what becomes the most consistent theme of my 40s. it may not be the outdoors.

i'm ready though. i'm a firm believer that when you've done something well and to completion, you're ready to move on. i have no unfinished business with my 30s. i will miss being in the same decade as brendan though :) that said, having a younger husband usually makes me feel younger than i technically am.

this is nice. maybe i'll pick up blogging again. it's a helpful way to process my thoughts. i like the thought of exercising my freedom to do or not do.

well, thank you my 30s. you've been swell. ❤

on the cusp of my 40th birthday, i think it's accurate to say that i'm experiencing a mid-life panic. not about my own life, because i'm excited and proud with how my 30s went, but i feel overwhelmingly discouraged by the state of the world. i feel worried about the future for my kids, for our planet, for our general well-being as humans. things are bad. objectively bad. sometimes i try to comfort myself a little with the reality that life has pretty much always been bad. that history is full of bad moments and bad memories. it's sad that this is how i comfort myself.

i'm not sure what to do, to be honest. is it better to shut myself off from the news and social media, which is largely my source for sad, bad and discouraging information. or do i avoid reading books that deal with sad story-lines and narratives. or would that just be burying my head in the sand. i wonder if i owe it to myself and others to learn these stories and remember them.

i'm feeling uncharacteristically anxious while doing things like crossing the street or walking on ice. i find myself imagining harm coming to me, and the impact that would have on my family. or vice versa. like i said...  mid-life panic. 

and while i deal with these internal anxieties, i also find myself wanting to face these feelings and accept that they are real feelings (whether founded or not). and allow myself to feel my full spectrum of emotions (too often i avoid lingering on unpleasant feelings and bolster myself with encouraging thoughts, beliefs and actions).

and although i am tempted to wrap this up with encouraging rhetoric, i want instead to just allow this to sit. for the process of writing this out to just be about processing how i feel, and not an attempt to get me from point a to point b. i'm just gonna lay it all out there, and not be afraid of feeling a little afraid.

brendan is a much better cook than me. plus, he likes cooking. he is our main cook in our family, and has been since we were married (probably before that). but i frequently made meals in the early days, because he worked shifts a lot. but since otis was born, i haven't generally made dinner. when he works on tuesdays, we usually have leftovers or something simple like a frozen pizza or tuna melts.

but tonight, i made pancakes and breakfast sausages. the kids were occupied, so that freed me up to not have to multi-task. but i still scalded myself, started a small fire, and burnt at least one side of each pancake.

my initial reaction was to write a self-deprecating facebook post about what a sucky cook i am compared to brendan. but then i changed my mind. i thought eff that! i don't NEED brendan (i love and appreciate him, and i'm SUPER grateful for his delicious cooking), but i would not starve without him. i would manage, and I SHALL!

the reality is that i cook things on way too high heat. so step one... turn down heat.

step two... think through how long things take, and order them accordingly

step three... start with less, then add more (pancake mix, oil, etc) as needed

step four... practice makes progress! i'm seriously considering making pancakes and sausages EVERY tuesday until i master these one meal.

we start to believe we can't do things, when we tell ourselves we can't.

we start to believe we are not able, when focus too much on other people's ability.

i'm not a victim of my own unsuccessful cooking experiences. this door is not closed to me. i just need to push it wider open and walk on through.