on the cusp of my 40th birthday, i think it's accurate to say that i'm experiencing a mid-life panic. not about my own life, because i'm excited and proud with how my 30s went, but i feel overwhelmingly discouraged by the state of the world. i feel worried about the future for my kids, for our planet, for our general well-being as humans. things are bad. objectively bad. sometimes i try to comfort myself a little with the reality that life has pretty much always been bad. that history is full of bad moments and bad memories. it's sad that this is how i comfort myself.

i'm not sure what to do, to be honest. is it better to shut myself off from the news and social media, which is largely my source for sad, bad and discouraging information. or do i avoid reading books that deal with sad story-lines and narratives. or would that just be burying my head in the sand. i wonder if i owe it to myself and others to learn these stories and remember them.

i'm feeling uncharacteristically anxious while doing things like crossing the street or walking on ice. i find myself imagining harm coming to me, and the impact that would have on my family. or vice versa. like i said...  mid-life panic. 

and while i deal with these internal anxieties, i also find myself wanting to face these feelings and accept that they are real feelings (whether founded or not). and allow myself to feel my full spectrum of emotions (too often i avoid lingering on unpleasant feelings and bolster myself with encouraging thoughts, beliefs and actions).

and although i am tempted to wrap this up with encouraging rhetoric, i want instead to just allow this to sit. for the process of writing this out to just be about processing how i feel, and not an attempt to get me from point a to point b. i'm just gonna lay it all out there, and not be afraid of feeling a little afraid.