highlights from 2014

- this was a year of roadtrips... north bay, philadelphia, cahoots festival, ottawa, quebec city, victoria harbour, and ottawa again.

- this was a year of transitions... back to work, éamon to daycare, brendan getting laid off, brendan looking for work, brendan finding a job (or two?).

- this was a year of taking it easy and learning to be present at home... declining commitments, using my evenings productively, allowing myself to not feel guilty about resting, transitioning into a parent of a toddler.

- this was a year of intention... mindfully making plans with friends, going to bed early, getting babysitters (family, friends and a teenager) so brendan and i could go out and not miss out on stuff.

- this was a year of new favourite things... loose-leaf tea, long walks, swimming lessons, making soup, cbc radio, baking for pleasure and naps.

this was a year of new experiences (good and bad) that has marinated me and brought out hidden abilities, desires and character i didn't know was lurking under the surface. i know i'm different, more aged and experienced than i used to be, and i feel pretty comfortable about who i am at 35.

knots

after being on the job market for four months, b was offered a job and accepted it. he's supposed to start on monday, except... today he was called to interview for a job he applied for before the other job offer at his ideal social service agency in town. ugh. why does life throw these curve balls?!?!

i thought this might happen. aye-yi-yi...

glebe

we took a roadtrip to ottawa today for a few errands. while we were there, brendan wanted to visit this guitar shop he'd heard about. éamon had just fallen asleep for his afternoon nap, so i had to stay in the car while brendan went in the store. which was too bad since i like watching brendan nerd out about guitars, but i was content to stay put. 25 minutes or more passed before brendan returned. he was utterly glowing and was so enamored that he couldn't speak for at least 15 minutes. i knew that something significant had just happened in that store – it made the highlight of my day (buying a new slipcover for my couch) seem VERY bland indeed.

women & women first

"She turned to literature. She looked for books about adolescents, books she could find herself and her problems in. There were none. She read every thin, saccharine "girl's book" she could find, and gave up. She began to read trashy novels, anything she could find in the library that looked as if it were about women."
- The Women's Room

lately, i've felt a strong desire to read books about female protagonists. books about women. ideally books about women that are not romances. basically books that i can relate to. books with storylines that i can connect with. i've been surprised to discover that i've already gobbled up many of the "top" books about women – i thought i'd only scratched the surface. i'm honestly shocked to find that were aren't a ton of books about women. half the population are women. half of authors are women. why can't i go into any book store and easily find half the books about women. it's disappointing and frustrating.

i came across a list of the top ten books that "changed how we feel about being a woman" and discovered The Women's Room. i downloaded the preview before i decided to buy it. i was starting to get into it when i came across the above segment. it seems i'm not the first person to crave books about women.

triumph

for several weeks now, we've been trying to fix our toilet seat. it was loose and when brendan tried to tighten it, he found that the screwed had become rusty. soon the screws were stripped and we tried a half-dozen things to get those damn nuts off. nothing worked. it really irritated my mind, knowing there was this small task that i couldn't accomplish and move on from. very annoying. BUT, thank goodness, tonight we got it off. we bought a keyhole hacksaw and took turns hacking away at it. i feel oddly relieved and very satisfied to have that annoyance behind me. we have one mighty sturdy toilet seat now!

boxing day

i'm not a naturally organized person, and i'm not compelled to create order from chaos, but sorting out gifts (swopping out existing stuff with new stuff) and unpacking our duffel bag this afternoon, felt good. i probably set a personal record for prompt organization (i often continue to live out of a suitcase for several weeks after returning home).

xmas day

i'm so very grateful for my extended family. we have a sleepover together every year and it fills our love-tanks and gives us memories of quality time together. sometime i'll be especially thankful for down the road when my nieces and nephews are bigger.

xmas eve

to conclude a day of carrot soup, lego board games, gifts, cousins playing together and carols... éamon pooped in the tub.

AND I'M BACK...

beckie and i were out today doing some downtown errands and drinking hot beverages. while we were out, i came across a 5-year diary that left enough space for a couple sentences about each day. i thought "that's great! i'd love to do that". i like having a record of what i did each day. i considered buying it for a minute or two, then i realized... I HAVE A BLOG! duh!

so i'm going to change the format of my blog (which is clearly unsustainable in it's past format), to a quick, simple, daily approach. unless there's something i have a lot to say about.

--

so to get the ball rolling....
i bought éamon a toddler-sized broom today and he loves it :) maybe it create positive associations with household chores.

thrones

i don't know if its the season, the weather, the fact that i'm drawing close to vacation time or because i haven't been outside much lately, but i've been feeling quite anxious. i'm also feeling unsettled in my heart about current conversations at next.

in november, eamon's moved up to the toddler room at daycare, which means we have a more flexible daycare schedule. he now goes 4 days a week and goes to my mom's on wednesday mornings. i bring him with me when i leave at 6:30. i take him straight out of bed, put him in his snowsuit and pop him in the car. when we get to my mom's, she feeds him breakfast and gives him a bath in her bathtub (this is a treat since we don't have a bathtub at home). i work til 11, then pick him up on my way home. it's a nice new system. it also gives me a chance to have a visit with my mom and sometimes i stay for lunch. i'm really thankful that they get this time together, i think it's special for both of them.

brendan had a job interview on friday, and afterwards felt really pumped about it. he clearly really connected with the interviewers. they checked his references on monday and called him on tuesday to give him good news and bad news. the bad news was that they weren't going to offer him the job, but the good news was that they'd like to give him a different job. they'd like to give him a more challenging job with more responsibility, plus it's regular 9-5 weekday hours. basically, they think he's over qualified for the job he applied for, and said they are not accustomed to getting such a high caliber candidate for that type of job. the only problem is that there isn't a position open right now. so they'll keep his resume and be in touch when they're hiring for this other department. i have mixed feelings because it's wonderful news that they thought he was so amazing and that there's a possible opportunity, BUT at the same time, it might not turn into anything. i think they're equally frustrated because they're worried he's going to get snapped up by another agency in the meantime. the funny thing is that these other agencies don't even consider him because he doesn't have a degree, which is why he's forced to apply for jobs at the bottom of the social work ladder. he's very smart, he's very socially-aware, he's very experienced (compared to his contemporaries), he's very skilled. i think all these agencies who are screening him out are stupid for missing out on a good candidate.

maybe this is also affecting my anxiousness. or maybe it's just PMS. for a while after eamon was born, i didn't get PMS, but i think it's slowly creeping back.

man, i need to do something to interrupt this funk.

if i stay here, trouble will find me.

crokinole

after years and years of hating winter, i think i've finally come around. it's definitely the most challenging season, and i'm not looking forward to it. but i've found it has some redeeming qualities.

i like how opposite it is of summer in many ways....
• i like that on a cold, snowy day there's nothing better than just staying in all day (be it at home or at work, there's something nice about being warm and dry inside).
• i like getting bundled up in lots of layers
• i like that life slows down because everything takes more time. but also, unlike summer, which is super busy with activities and social events, winter's activities are fewer and less frequent. it allows one to get into a groove and consistent rhythm.
• it's also undeniably pretty.

i'm glad the snow has come early, because november is a cold and dark month. we might as well have snow, which brings its reflective bright surface.

--

last night brendan and i went out to dairy queen before a games night at next (eamon was at home with astrid). we sat across from each other in a booth, eating blizzards, talking and laughing at his eye lids. it was nice.

i'll learn to fix stuff,

if you will teach me love.

petition

i like when i come across a couple who seem like really good friends. i don't mean that they seem more like friends than they do a couple, but that it's clear their relationship is further cemented by a deep, intertwining friendship. i'm often struck by the display of mutual respect and shared admiration. even a short interaction with such people leave me encouraged and inspired. i don't know if this is a relationship culture developed over many years together, or just their natural dynamic. but its something to aspire to.

foot/mouth

so... i feel a little bit dumb, but éamon cut a molar without me even realizing it. i'm not sure if that means i'm a tuned-out mother or that he's an easy teether. perhaps a little of both. he's cut teeth several times without me noticing. everything i've read and heard says that cutting molars is the worst. he has been more cranky in the last month, but i honestly just thought it was just him being a growing baby who will go through different stages of neediness. i thought we were on a break between teeth. *shrug* i guess i should be glad that the first molar is behind us. but it's a little bit hard because he's that much more a toddler and i really enjoyed my little baby.

lately i've been "borrowing" worry and stress unnecessarily. unlike my sister who feels a great responsibility to rescue people and fix their problems, i don't typically feel a sense of responsibility for others. and yet, lately i've been feeling like it's selfish of me to only be concerned with my own future. i think that's the hard part about living in community, even if the community circle is broad and lives aren't that closely connected, i have a hard time knowing where the healthy line is between doing for others and empowering others to do for themselves. it's tricky because i know from my own life experience how much i've valued (after the fact) making my own path and not having solutions offered to me on a silver platter. that said, there are times when i would've welcomed generous gifts to give me a leg up financially. probably the only time i experienced that was when my grandma died and she left me enough in her will to pay off one of three student loans, and i'm still super grateful for that. I suppose though, it might have been a different experience had I not been chipping away at that loan for several years before I received that inheritance. I'm sure I would've been grateful to receive that gift before i started paying it back, but being relieved of a burden you've been carrying for a while is more appreciated than never having to carry the burden at all. all this said... i don't really know how to support the right amount.

sausagers

last night we had our first paid babysitter. we've made an arrangement with astrid to babysit for 2 hours on thursdays so we can go to our small group. it was surprising because brendan was much more nervous about it than i was. he thinks his reluctant feelings are more normal, but i'm not convinced of that. as far as i was concerned there was no reason to be nervous, but ended up concluding my confidence was based on my experience as a 13 year old babysitter. she's a smart girl, very competent and logical. plus, she's taken the babysitters course, so i was confident that she'd do just fine, and it seems as though she did. i feel excited about this step/milestone.

i like that i know my friends' kids. i don't mean that i'm acquainted with them, but i need that i know them as people - what they're like, their personalities, interests, quirks. i feel well acquainted with bren's kids.

it looks as though this week is the start of a new routine - small group on thursdays, and swimming on tuesdays. we've started swimming lessons at artillery park. we started infant swimming lessons when éamon was 3 months old, but those were just drop-in classes at the Y. these lessons at artillery park are sign-up classes that i paid for in advance. i'm very pleased that they're evening classes, and it worked out nicely because it's on the evening that brendan works in napanee, and i've been finding those evenings more challenging at éamon's current stage. i was a bit reluctant to sign up though, because it's more expensive than the Y. but i weighed the options (time of day, location, etc) and decided to proceed, and i'm glad i decided to do that because it was immediately evident that the quality of class was much better at artillery park. as we waited for the class to start, éamon was scooting around on the pool side, and several times attempted to make a break for it down the pool ramp into the water. it was both naughty and hilarious. he really loves water.

check

it's surprising how much music impacts my impulse to write. a good song gives me that urge. right now i'm really into 'wake owl'.

recently i've only been reading books i find fun and amusing. easy reads that i look forward to reading. sadly it seems there aren't a lot of fun reads that i haven't already read. i checked a list of fun reads on 'good reads' and i'd read 20 of the top 25 books. i just finished the princess bride and found that i really did live up to the "it's better than the movie" saying, which is impressive since it's a great movie. i think it helps that the screenplay was written by the same person who wrote the book.

since i couldn't find another funny book, i've started reading the very unfunny 'sweetness in the belly'. i think i've heard good things about it, and i picked it up at the next garage sale recently. if i recall correctly, it was a big book club favourite a few years ago. it's heavier, but not too heavy.

tomorrow marks one month of brendan being without work. in that time he's applied for several jobs and had one interview. i've heard before that it roughly takes 3 months to find a new job, so i'm hoping that happens. although, we're doing ok and brendan's keeping busy. it's funny to me that shortly after i finished being at home, he's back to being at home. it's like we're taking turns. on the upside, it's convenient to have someone at home to do at-home things.

through rachel i discovered this computer app called 'f.lux' – it changes the colour of your screen after sunset so it becomes warmer in hue. it helps the transition from screen to bedtime. it seems to be doing the trick for me. i've been getting sleepy and heading to bed between 9:30 and 10:15. even though i'm going to bed early, i've been finding my 5:30 wake-ups quite difficult since sunrise is later these days. i can't remember how early the sunsets in november through to january. i'm hoping it's after 4, or i'm not going to see the sun at all.

what will become of the truth when we keep it in.

Fwd:

oh cat power, sometimes you are exactly what i need to listen to.

blade

i'm beginning to notice that lately, i deal with difficult things by just not thinking about it. at my current stage in life, i feel like it doesn't change anything if i allow the full weight of a situation hit me, so instead i just don't allow myself to spend time focusing on sorrow. at least that way, i can still function without feeling heavy-hearted.

a colleague of mine died in august. he was a really wonderful man, so lovely and kind and genuine. when news of his death was announced, no details regarding the cause of his death were shared. i've come to observe in recent years, that if those details are not disclosed openly, that there's probably a reason and the family is choosing to be quiet about it. and i respect that. in the weeks following his death, my boss told me in confidence that he'd taken his own life while on assignment in asia (this is now public knowledge). i was shocked by this news, because he was really the nicest, smiley-est person i know; and yet that explained the mystery around his death. emma was privy to quite graphic details (a news story had been published about it online), and she told me "don't google it - you don't want to know". i took her word for it and told her "i won't. that's the sort of thing i can't un-know, but would wish i could".

i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).

anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.

i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.

Fwd: lalalalalalala

i knew that getting up at 5:30 am would mean that eventually i would be getting up before the sun. but i thought that wouldn't be until winter. today was rough getting up, and i felt like a zombie well into the day. it was one of those days that i wished that my alarm clock had gone off at the wrong time and i could get back into bed. it was so dark, and my body felt hungover from sleep, that i really would've have been surprised if it wasn't morning (or at least my morning. i realize that when i was maternity leave i still very much considered 5:30 as the middle of the night).

i think it'll be an early night for me.

well... it's been a while since i've written. éamon's getting big and is almost walking. he's keeping me busy and for the first time since he was born, i'm starting to feel like my life is changing. when he first arrived, nothing really changed. he just fit into our lives so perfectly that we didn't feel like having a baby was interrupting life as we know it. but that change is starting to happen now, which is ok, but also difficult. sometimes when i get home from work, i just want to sit an read, but i've got this junior toddler who is always getting into things, or wants to be held, or doesn't want to be held but will just sit there whining. it's comical really. clearly he's frustrated because he can't communicate his wants. the only word he says is dada and he uses that for everything. and he doesn't seem to get sign language, but instead thinks i'm being silly and laughs or claps when i try using signs. no doubt when he does start talking the floodgates will open, so i'll just try to be patient with his whining :S

b's been doing super well, keeping busy and enjoying his time off. it's giving him the chance to decompress from the toxic work environment at his old job. he actually has a job interview tomorrow for a coordinator position for a not-for-profit in town. we're kind of in the position that if he gets it, then great! and if not, that's fine too. i'm a little bit worried that being offered a part-time job (22 hours/week) will mean that he misses out on full-time job opportunities that might open up in the coming weeks. that said, i am very pleased at his response rate - 2:1 for resumes and interviews.

ugh, i'm still feeling yucky. it's got to be an early night tonight!

btw

last night my nose-ring broke off in the night. i'm not exactly sure what happened. i just know that my nose felt itchy at 1:30 and in my sleepy state i scratched it and the hoop came off in my hand. so in the night, i tried to find the original stud to put in, but it didn't fit. so my nose is empty for the first time since 2006. i don't really like it, and i feel kind of embarrassed to be seen without it. the same kind of embarrassment one feels when they think they have stuff stuck in their teeth. hopefully i can pick up a new hoop soon, but strangely enough, i realized all the stores i'd usually go to for that kind of thing have all moved out of the downtown area or closed. i'm going to try very shari at its new location, but shari died recently and i'm not sure if its still open. otherwise i'll have to try etsy. i hope it doesn't grow over (like last time).

i'm someone who listens to the same song on repeat if i really like it. last week i discovered a new song by hayden and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. this morning at work, i thought "maybe i should just listen to cbc music sonica again, and be done with this song", but after listening to cbc radio 2 for about two songs, my current song came on the air! i thought "who am i kidding" and am back to listening to it on continuous play again.  

hoyt

it's been an eventful weekend.

1) brendan was laid off from his job effective immediately on friday morning. the program he runs is closing at the end of december, and we were expecting him to get laid off then. BUT because they've been feeding such high numbers of people, they're way over budget and couldn't afford to keep him on staff til the end of the year. in some ways, it wasn't a shock, but the termination itself was poorly executed and unsettling.

2) on thursday evening, i decided i wanted to cut my hair. after b got let go, i decided to take the afternoon off. so after he and i'd chatted, i left him to process stuff and went to get my hair chopped. afterwards, i sent my hair off in the mail for cancer. i really like my new do. it's a nice fresh change. it's also more full and manageable.

3) shannon invited us to join them at her parents place this weekend for her birthday. we'd never been to that part of ontario before, and we had a nice time getting to know shannon's family. it was also fun hanging out with a+s for the whole weekend. the timing was also really good since it distracted us from out latest lift-change and gave us something to focus on instead of our worries and concerns (i'm mostly anxious about éamon's daycare – everything else will work out just fine. i don't want to pay for and keep him in full time since we don't need to, but don't want to pull him out in case a new job opportunity comes up quickly – it's so hard to know the right thing to do).

anyways, that's everything from me.