i'm spending some time reading. and just reached the end of this chapter. i'm struck by the writing style of this author. its very similar to my own writing style. i like reading about this woman's life, all the mundane details she includes in her book. now in her 40s, never married, she reflects on her life as it was in her twenties. and about the men she dated back then. i feel overwhelmed by the familarity of her words. i feel as though she's been spying on my life. its a little scary. its also a little comforting.
why am i writing this? why am i telling you this? because there is something i want you to know. and i want to say it now so i can't take it back.
as i read and think of her now in her mid-forties. single. that doesn't frighten me. it doesn't bother me. i told the girls last night "next new year's eve i'll probably still be single". to be honest, i said that to prepare myself for that possibility. but now i think about it and realize that's ok. i'd say chances are slim that i'll meet someone i like, that i could eventually love, who would be good with me, who will like/love me back. it does seem kind of a lot to ask. i honestly feel, right now, in this moment, that i don't really care. and i will be happy. as i am right now.
i've been single for 2 years.
i haven't been kissed in a year and a half. and that wasn't some random stranger. it was my exboyfriend. will it bother me if i never get kissed again? ya, probably, sometimes that will bother me. will i be worse off? no, not at all.
i will continue to have fantastic friends. i will continue to have a great, close-knit family. and i will lack nothing.
i do realize, there is a slim possibility that i could in fact meet someone who is dazzled by me and whom i am equally dazzled by. and you'll say to me with a smile on your face "les, remember that time when you said you'll never marry?" and we'll probably laugh at my impulsive statements. but this isn't about me swearing off men. or declaring spinsterhood. its more, i'm ok with remaining single.
i am content.
1 comment:
uh oh. what have i gone and said now...
just for the record. i would still like to meet someone, but if i don't that's ok.
i feel like in saying "i'll never meet anyone" that will become my destiny. but i doubt that, much like "i will meet someone" won't definately make that happen.
but yes, i still like boys. i still get giddy over boys. i'm not a cold fish. just a content one.
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