tide

the part of my brain that over romanticizes everything is kicking in. the part of me that dreams up extremely melodramatic conclusions and statements. i shouldn't indulge that instinct, but instead quickly take up the fetal position. i'll try to not to hope for the best while preparing for the worst. i've lived thru this before. well not exactly, but i've been thru similar situations and no doubt i'll survive. there's only so much you can do and even when i fortify myself, i still lose. i wonder if i'll ever win at this game. i think i've reached a stalemate.

oh frig, i'm such a drama queen. just ignore me.

i just want to say for the record that when i die, i do NOT want all the suits from bombardier showing up. i want to make this known to people so that if the occasion arises someone can tell them they're not welcome. now this is not to say that i don't appreciate their act of paying respects, or that i dislike them. my reason is this: i do not want their presence to in anyway overshadow the loss my loved ones experience. i do no want people to end up whispering "there's the president of bombardier. there's all the execs from bbd, so nice of them to come", when they should be saying "there's lesley's mother. that's lesley's family. those are lesley's closest friends". i don't want them flying up in the company jet, making a scene. don't be alarmed. i'm not going anywhere, i'm only telling you this because an employee is dying and i know all the rigmarole to come. it's standard procedure, and i want none of it. does this make sense? can i count on you to help carry that wish out?

it seems so strange how suddenly things can change.