humidity

last night i started packing for cambodia. it went pretty well. i've got all my clothes packed and now just have basic necessities to pack in. i think i learned a lot from our trip to peru - to not bring a lot of unnecessary things that will make the backpack heavy. we're starting to get excited because it's dawning on us that we're leaving TOMORROW!!!! i'll go to work during the day, then nancy will pick us up after work and drive us to TO. i hope we don't forget anything important - like our wallets, our passports, our vaccinations. i think all will be fine.

yesterday b and i went to moneymart to convert a large sum of cash into american. i got very antsy and was afraid the next person in line would robb me of our travel cash. afterwards brendan was asking me why i was afraid, and i explained "what if someone saw the money and took it from me?". he said "then i would stop them. you're not on your own anymore les". that may be the biggest adjustment of them all - understanding that i have a partner who will take care of me and protect me.

i really like having b live at my place. it was fun getting ready for work with him this morning. we ate frosted flakes. i've noticed that i no longer need my 8 blankets for sleeping anymore. we sleep most of the night without any covers at all, then use just a sheet and a duvet when we get chilly in the morning. one time in the night i got up to go pee, and when i returned i really liked that he was still there.

i accidentally stabbed myself in the hand when i was trying to peel an orange with a knife. it's sore and i rue the short-sighted idea of using a sharpe object as a orange opening devise. i got blood on my fruit.

 

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new.

mrs

HELLO!!!!

well, we made it. we survived the wedding and actually really enjoyed ourselves.

on friday evening we got together with a group of friends who helped us decorate the lovenasium. after that i went to shannon's with rach and jill for a sleepover! we stayed up late drinking wine and talking. i woke up the next morning at 5 am and couldn't fall back to sleep until 7 something. i got another hour of sleep then woke up for a great breakfast. i then dashed for a one-hour massage before heading home. the massage was great and gave me some time outside of the wedding stuff to just relax. my mom and sister arrived while i got ready and before we left for photos in the park it was raining.

we did our photos in the rain, which kind of stunk, but we managed and it made for a memorable experience. after that we headed over to the church. it felt great being able to spend time with brendan before the ceremony. he's my best friend so it just felt so natural to hang out beforehand, it dispelled any nerves we were feeling. joy, nancy, brendan and i chatted in the basement and danced to the music before the processional. we had a really stellar band who played about 3 songs before we got started.

the ceremony was so much fun. having al and garry perform the service together was PERFECT. they were so funny and helped set a comfortable tone. the service itself is so beautiful and down to earth, the words said are significant and meaningful. because al knows brendan's love of jewish culture he arranged for him to stamp on a glass just like they do in jewish culture without telling us in advance. when i realized what al was getting at i smiled ear to ear. it was amazing. then the band finished with "my children, be joyful", which was truly a triumphant ending. afterwards we were told by so many people that it was the best wedding they'd ever been to.

the reception went pretty well. we ended up having WAY too much food, but i figure that's better than having too little. if anything we were overly prepared. the food crew did a great job and we were so grateful. we had some speeches and ate some cake. when it was time to go we said good-bye then walked home in the rain under an umbrella.

after a few hours at home we went out to see seinfeld at the KRC. it was fun and we laughed a lot.

it was a big day. so many firsts and big changes. the change of name is a biggie that will take some adjusting to. but i'm the kind of person who when i decide something i dive right in, i feel that a slow transition would just be confusing, so i'm trying to incorporate lorimer wherever i can.

well, i'm pretty tired, so i'm going to get ready for bed. it's been a fun day. we ate waffles for breakfast, watched soccer on tv, went downtown for some errands, came home an bbqed, watched a movie. it was really relaxing after the whirlwind of the last 3 months. it's been quiet and i've enjoyed the peace.

you know its gonna make it that much better,
when we can say goodnight and stay together.

miss

well... here we are.
this is my last chance to write until after i'm married. it's been really important to me to make sure i have some time and solitude to reflect on the big life change i'm about to go thru.

*deep sigh*
i'm 30 years old. when i was a teenager i thought i'd get married at 21. i figured i'd just marry whoever i was dating at the time. my logic was that why would i be with someone who i didn't think i was going to marry, so obviously that meant i'd marry them. it's amazing to think of my younger self completely unaware of the fact that i would actually spend the majority of my 20s single and frustrated. i like that my life has not unfolded how i predicted it would. the only thing i would change is the frustrated part. if i could've eliminated that part of my single experience – the tears, the discouragement, the loneliness, the alienation, the tediousness, the rejection – i would. but... truth be told those are part of the experience. they were very challenging years that stretched me and taught me a great number of things, and in the end made me a more well-rounded person. although, being the single girl became a big part of my identity. it's hard to imagine being seen any other way.

finding the right partner is a very yucky experience. to be honest i feel like "putting myself out there" involved sinking to depths i wouldn't normally consider. i feel a certain amount of sting or embarrassment, as though i was omitting an odour of desperation (interestingly enough, connecting with brendan actually involved doing nothing other than living my life). i by in large felt ashamed of my desire to have a partner. i would often try to pretend when talking with people i wasn't friends with that being single was no big deal and that i wanted it that way. i didn't like being that defensive, but it was better than being vulnerable. in the harder times i most definitely got thru with the support and presence of my friends. i'm so fortunate to have so many lovely people who i really connect with. without those relationships where i was able to talk on a deep level i could never have felt like i belonged. i'm very thankful. it's really my friends that made me well-rounded, and well-grounded too for that matter.

it's been 20 years since i lived with a man. in 1990 my dad moved out which left me with just my mom and my sister. it was a pretty charged household that i dubbed "the estrogen zoo". from there i lived with girl housemates, then different girl housemates, then still more girl housemates. my life has been rich with the presence of women. in the meantime men have become a great mystery which remained unattainable. but soon i will have one with me, within arms reach, sleeping beside me in my bed. how do i make this change without being afraid of the unknown? we'll figure it out i guess.

well, i should go to bed. it's a big day tomorrow. the wedding festivities begin at 6:30 p.m. with shanno and i running errands, then it will be non-stop until sunday.

so here we are. lesley mcknight is signing off for the last time. as of saturday this blog will belong to lesley lorimer :)

come on and save me
if you could save me
from the ranks of the freaks
who suspect they could never love anyone.

unencumbered

i've concluded that i only like slightly unripe fruit. i love fruit that is hard and a little solid. fruit that you really have to bite into and it doesn't just mush around. i just composted half of my kiwis because they are so soft that they're becoming fremented. i prefer it when they're when they're difficult to scoop out with a spoon, that's when they're perfect and a little sour. fantastic!

i won't have to say anything.

rug

tonight we had.... oh wait...before i continue, let me just say that i'm trying to not be discouraged about my weight and for the most part it is not overcoming me. i talked about it and am moving on.

tonight we had our rehearsal. it came together at the last minute, but it turned out very well. i knew it would so i didn't worry about it when the details were still up in the air. it only took about 15 minutes to get the lovenasium set up really nicely. we had a big table that fit 17 people around it! it's always a little nerve wracking to blend two sides of families together, they seemed more comfortable around each other as the evening went by. nancy cooked a lovely dinner and tim took care of the dishes.

the actual rehearsal went well. only took about an hour to go threw it 3 times. having kids in the mix are always a wildcard, but as brendan pointed out they increase the cute factor 10 fold. it's a really lovely ceremony, and al & garry are co-officiating which is fun and all that we could ever want. we feel quite positive. it's kind of a relief! i feel like all the big stuff is behind us now and all that's left is fun stuff – like decorating and banner painting!

speaking of banner painting. the lovely missus rachel erb made us a gigantic banner for the wall in the lovenasium. it looks FANTASTIC. it was so good of her to do that and it took a lot of perseverance. now we just have to paint some words on it. i'm scare we're going to totally wreck it by accident when we paint on the words! here's hoping our paint job will turn out ok. if we success it's going to be GREAT! the pinnacle of the decorations. heck, it'll be the pinnacle regardless.

i could carry that tune all the way to the moon.

snooze

if i were to identify the top 3 topics that arise frequently here on pspd i'd have to say they are the following....

1) boys
2) packing/travel
3) my weight

it's kind of funny that the next week involves a combination of those things. this morning as i got ready for work, an outfit i used to wear back in my cubby years was too tight. i am unbelievably discouraged about my weight, and i'm horribly scared. i'm quite phobic of getting as big as i once was, and it seems that the week before my wedding i'm the cubbiest i've been since 2005. what terrible timing. i'm afraid my cubby cheeks will forever mar my photos, and that when everyone stands to greet me as i come down the aisle that my cubbiness will be apparent to all. it seems to me that this will be the one thing that i look back on with regret - i hate my body. i probably wouldn't be so bothered if i didn't know how much better i feel to live and move inside a slightly smaller frame. within the last year it's fluctuated quite a bit. i loved my body when i returned from peru and even cuba. it's this damn cubicle. whenever i'm not stuck in it i lose weight because i'm moving and living and active. it's discouraging because i once lost 50lbs, but it seems that whatever techniques i'd once used don't work on my 30 year old body. i suppose my metabolism has changed. it's frustrating because it's not that i don't want to work out, i just don't have time. with wedding plans, and moving brendan, and getting ready for cambodia when can i find time to jog?? well... i'm going to schedule time over the next 3 days for jogging. it's not going to make any difference weightwise but at least i'll feel more pumped. plus, i'll try to do sit-ups before and after jogging, which will make my abs feel tighter. *sigh*

i think i'm pmsing - which is probably a factor in me feeling fat and me feeling discouraged about it. it's kind of funny to think that i'm pmsing before my wedding. i think i half expected it not to arise this month since this is a special occassion. in a way body's are indifferent, or perhaps even oblivious. i want to say "hey body... don't you know we're getting married this week? smarten up!". oddly enough i think that would fall on deaf ears.

you know... even though talking about this doesn't change anything i still feel better.

 

when the love that you share
is enough that you need to declare
once the love song is sung
you tie your love in a knot that will never be undone.

avenger

so, it seems i'm having some difficulty with my toes. my three middle toes on my left foot. the timing sucks considering we're leaving in a little over a week for a walking tour of cambodia. i think the source of the problem is just one toe, but the other two are emmulating the discomfort so it's difficult to identify exactly where the pain is coming from. it feels like they are badly in need of being popped. that the joint needs cracking, or possibly that i have a pinched nerve. i don't want to make a doctors appointment because i've been having too many of those lately, but if it persists i'll go after we get back. it's starting to dawn on me that i'm getting older. it's a bizarre feeling, but the reality is that our bodies do not remain the same throughout adulthood (even though i've always thought that was the case since puberty is over) and it makes sense that i'll suffer from some kind of toe problem at 30 that i didn't have at 25.

the weekend was a bit of a blur, so i didn't have time to write about our adventure at the monster trucks :D shanno and i had a great time. there were four big monster trucks, my favourite was brutus because it was a truck that looked like a dog. they drove over cars and even a full-size van. i have to admit, they are incredibly intimidating. i couldn't help be feel afraid whenever they reved really loud as they drove over the cars. it was an exciting fear though, one that was quite thrilling. the low-light of the evening is when we were forced to stand for the american anthem, it was not only awkward but they had us stand to support the US troops. we don't support the troops so that put us in the very uncomfortable position of standing for something we are opposed to, or sitting and causing controversy. we are not opposed to controversy but i think it's worthwhile to pick your fights so in the end we stood. i can't speak for shanno, but i felt shell-shocked and a bit in denial of what was happening.

saturday was the 5th annual skeleton park music festival. it was lovely as usual. i very much enjoyed the company of friends, and the people watching. the music was good, but the only band that really stuck out for me was cherry chapstick, they were fun and talented. i also really liked the japanese drummers. it rained for a little bit in the afternoon but we were nice and dry under the big tent. all in all it was a good day.

yesterday was our last day of special meals til the fall. it was really enjoyable as usual. when we got back to my house i was pooped so we just watched a movie and didn't really accomplish much. hopefully tonight will be productive. we have to organize the maxi pad to make space for brendan's things.

my sister is going to iron my dress for me and i put it in a bag to bring with me to work - so i could drop it off on my way home. but i left it by the door at home. i have horrible visions of the cats scratching it up or brendan looking in the bag when he goes to my house to do some organizing. man, i worry for no reason sometimes. blah blah blah.

5 more days! i can't believe it! i'm pretty excited.

trying to make the best of my time.

confirm

in two weeks brendan and i will have arrived in cambodia trying to get settled in and get our bearings. i've been a bit disappointed with how such an exciting trip has been overshadowed by the wedding. i usually count down to my vacations and spend ample time preparing to go away. since time is limited and we'll have approximately 3 days to get ready after our nuptials i've asked brendan if he can do some trip-related errands next week and i'm starting to compile a list of things to do. i'm very excited. i think brendan will be a great travel companion, he's very much like jill who i found was very easy to explore with. i'm looking forward to hanging out in the heat of the cambodian sun. to walking and listening. to eating local foods. to being so tired after a day of wandering that my feet hurt. and to having new smells surrounding me - every place has a unique smell. *sigh* i love that happy dirty feeling of vacationing. it's going to be loads of fun :)

this evening shannon and i are going to see the monster trucks at the k-rock centre. we think this is super funny and quite exciting. we're going to drink beer in a stadium full of testosterone. it will be a night to remember. i kind of like the irony of it juxtaposed with my upcoming wedding. not something most people do the week before their wedding, especially not 30 year old women. it's sweetly ironic.

then tomorrow is skeleton park music festival. that should be great. i hope sleep in just enough to have a nice lie in, but get up soon enough to fully enjoy the festivities.

while talking to brendan and referred to us as a family. i was joking around and said "well someone in this family has to...." i don't even remember what the rest of the sentence was, but after i said it i was shocked and kind of thrilled. as many of you know i have an aversion to the word 'family', i usually refer to our future together as a 'unit' because i'm more comfortable with that concept. but i suppose we will technically be a family, which is kind of neat! man, i've been experiencing so many things for the first time lately! it's fun because i love doing and experiencing new things :D

everything that happens is from now on.

skeleton

i'm standing in my bedroom listening to ohbijou on cbc radio 3. immediately after hitting play i regretted not staying to see them live. it was a tough call, i was feeling out of steam and my sensible self was telling me i should comply with my bedtime. i'll cross my fingers and hope another opportunity comes by again soon, i'm sure it will.

it was good walking home on my own. i rarely get those opportunities anymore. walking in the dark when all my headspace is taken up with reflection as opposed to forward thinking. i kind of want to make that a priority for next week. my 7 last days as lesley mcknight. really make time to walk and think and explore my inner self. i hope for the chance to write one big significant blog entry before our wedding when i'm home alone and full of inspiration. that will be important to me.

while i was walking i thought of 2 friends going thru a particularly hard time right now. how mysterious life is and how there's hardly any easy solutions. i wanted his problem to be solved easily and simply, perhaps that was too hopeful or naive of me.

today's underpants have front pockets in them. it's made me conclude that all underpants should come with pockets. just think of all we could keep in them! it would be so handy. i'm tempted to sew some into the others, but that's not going to happen.

i like the sound of the breeze outside my window. that sound is the reason why i love this season. well, that and many other reasons. i think there's part of me that fears losing the peaceful silence after i get married. but i shouldn't fear that. brendan loves the quiet more than i do, so i once we get used to have someone else present we'll probably comfortably settle into silence as well. for someone who enjoys natural quite so much it's strange that i most often surround myself with sound. i too quickly forget the calm and am wooed away by the sounds of lovely music.

she's the one who knows the sea,
so you'd better talk to her.

squish

hi.

things are going well. 10 days before the wedding. sarah and i got together last night and assembled some photos for the walls at the wedding. we did very well and got thru about 25 arrangements. i have a few more photos coming from a few of brendan's friends, but all in all i'm nearly finished that. *sigh* it feels good to be accomplishing things. my list of things to do has drastically diminished over the last week or two and i'm very happy about that. if all goes well, next week should be pretty straightforward and relaxing.

the thing i feel least excited about (read: awkward about) is when everyone stands up when the bride enters. man, that's going to be super awkward. no doubt i'll blush like a fiend. hm, it's just occurred to me, what's protocol? is the bride to look solely at the groom or is she to look around at all the guests? i think i would be most comfortable just looking at b, but i don't know if that's rude. any insight folks?

my cubicle at work is a mess. so is my car and my home. i'm going to dedicate much of this evening (as much as possible) to the tidying and cleaning of 330 york street. hmph. the biggest problem is that it doesn't take much to distract me from the job at hand. i rarely have enough time to really get into the swing of things to really make significant progress :S

yesterday i went to the dentist for my regular cleaning. it's not pleasant, but i'm glad i have coverage. it seems the future of my teeth will involve some sort of ordeal involving the extraction of 2 teeth and the insertion of one implant. i won't get into a lot of details because i know some people are squeamish when it comes to talk about teeth. all this to say... i need to floss more regularly. the hygienist suggested a routine that goes something like: floss on weekdays, take weekends off. that's an option.

i hope this song will guide you home.

cameraw

well, when it rains it pours. and i had many showers this weekend :p

on saturday night shannon threw me a surprise sexy time party. well... when i say surprise i mean it was supposed to be a surprise but my fiance isn't great at keeping secrets from me and for some reason strongly hinted that something was happening that evening. anyways, it was very fun. lots of lovely ladies were in attendance. we had some wine, we opened gifts, we played a game, we chatted, i helped bren boost her car battery when she'd left her lights on. all in all it was a full evening and i got home after midnight. it was really fun. i'd never had a shower before, so it was a really interesting experience. it's kind of humbling to have so many good friends under one roof giving me wonderful gifts in celebration of my upcoming nuptials. i was informed that apparently you're supposed to get rid of all your old underpants when you get married, so i was given approximately a dozen pairs of new bloomers. there was a sliding scale in terms of type of gift, some were over the top (like shannon's) and some were very practical (well... i suppose i could classify shannon's as practical too).

saturday was super busy. there was a work bee at next that morning, followed by joanne's birthday party. because of the poor weather jo arranged for her celebration to be at next instead of at the park, and invited gary j to lead us in salsa lessons. probably one of the best moments was when jo (purely accidentally) called out "grab your partner and get ready for some pole dancing!" hahahaha. it was hilarious she meant to say salsa dancing. too funny.

that evening was shower number 2. it was supposed to be a surprise, but joy is not great at coming up with legitimate excuses to surprise me, so i was on to her. however, i was quite delighted and surprised to see that many of my good friends who'd been at the shower the night before were at joy's place too. it was fun and people were once again very generous with their gifts. it's seriously very humbling.

so there we go... bridal showers: check. they are now crossed off my list of things i've never done before.

it's now only 12 days til the wedding. brendan and i were lying around yesterday and had a conversation about cold feet. we agreed that our feet were plenty warm. although, he does seem to be concerned that we're so wedding-focused that once it's over we won't have anything to talk about. i don't think that'll be a problem. it's safe to say that b is getting super tired of wedding stuff, he said (and i quote) "it's like death by a thousand cuts". it's wearing on my little introvert.

i'm super excited because the forecast is looking very good for this coming weekend - skeleton park music festival!! hooray! last year we got majorly caught in the rain.

suddenly the days turn into night.

wok

i was in toronto today for a photoshop seminar.

the day started off on the wrong foot. i'm convinced my alarm clock is conspiring against me. whenever i really need it to work it simply doesn't go off. i was pretty careful last night to make sure the time was right and that it was in fact set to go off. but i woke at 5:16 (my clock is intentionally set 10 minutes fast thankfully) instead of the 4:45 i set it for. i dashed to throw on some clothes and make it down to the train station to catch the 5:30 train :S i made it, but i'm still pretty peeved with my stupid alarm clock.

the seminar was good and i enjoyed myself. i was surprised at how much i learned. i'll review everything tomorrow at work so that i don't forget everything.

it was good being in the city on my own. i really enjoy the anonymity of taking trips – like that week i spent in montreal. i love not having email or obligations. i'm thankful that i get to have these business trips at least once a year. i think that down the road when i have kids it would be wise to still have these annual trips to the city by myself. it does me some good, and i felt ready to return again.

on both the way there and the way back i just sat looking out the window at the world passing me by. i didn't read, and i only listened to my ipod on the way back. on the way there, when i wasn't looking out the window i was trying to sleep (it was an early train). it was a good reminder of what it's like trying to sleep in transit. it was cold and uncomfortable, and i forgot my eyemask and my blow-up pillow too. i hope our flights to cambodia aren't unbearable.

well i should go. it's been a full day. talk to you soon!

my baby takes the morning train,
he works from nine till five and then
he takes another home again to find me waitin' for him.

spam

have i ever told you how i feel about the expression "take care"?

i hate it.

i hate it when people sign emails with "take care". it's always a bad sign. i've never had a "take care" go well for me. in fact, i think "take care" is the most offensive general salutation i can think of. it's deceptive in it's use of the word "care". it initally makes one feel positive, it seems like good wishes. but in my experience means "have a nice life". it seems to be used as finishing words, the relationship (whether formal or casual) is now over and they hope that you take care of yourself - FOREVER. i guess the offensive part comes from the finality of it. it makes me feel cut short, like they've had the final say, and often i have more to say, or want to leave the door open to saying more eventually. in a way, i like to finish my correspondence with an elipsis.... because one can never know when our paths may cross again. it feels presumptuous that the end is the end.

sometimes i want to give "take care" the benefit of the doubt. when i see it, i don't want to presume it's a bad omen, but i think too many negative associations with that phrase has ruined it for life. this is difficult, because it makes me presumptuous in return. it creatives a negative atmosphere where the other party probably intended positivity. i'm currently in correspondence with a nice lady over something i'm purchasing from her. everything i see the words "take care" i feel like "hmph! was that necessary??". but i'm trying to remember that "take care" is not a verbal slap in the face. it's odd that i even have to remind myself of that.

this time last year i came across some major military propaganda and it made me ill. it has resurfaced, and once again i'm sickened and left feeling like my head is going to explode. it's very similar to my gut reaction to discrimination. i'm just down right confused by it. i don't understand!

why can't we be friends?

mutually

good news!
my dear long-time friend melody is giving me a replacement cake stand as a wedding gift. she was given one for her wedding and is going to get me the same one. it converts into a punch bowl too! just wanted to let you all know in case you had the same idea :)

more good news!
brendan and i picked up a new bed from his mom's place yesterday. you may recall that we brought his double bed over to my place at the beginning of may. we gave away my single bed and he's been using a futon at the erb's place. BUT unbeknownst to him, the bed was very creaky and i just couldn't sleep on it. we were going to keep our eyes out for a replacement bed, but then nancy offered us their spare bed that they were getting rid of! it's really nice. we went to their place last evening to pick it up. we put the mattress in the back of my little suv and strapped the box spring on top of the car. it worked out really well because we have 8 bungee cords. so we got that all set up last night and i slept beautifully.

fun news!
i've also begun working on a "wedding standard". at next we used to do something called "the next standard", david and i were co-editors of it. it was like a church bulletin, only more wonky and artsy. i resigned back in 2008 when i just didn't feel i had the time for it anymore. i'd hoped it would carry on without me, but it hasn't. maybe we'll pick it up again some day, i think robb was interested in resurrecting it. anyways, so i'm making one for our wedding. i'd forgotten how much i love doing it. well... not forgotten exactly, i guess it's more that i haven't had the pleasuring of this kind of designing for so long that my senses feel awake again. i showed it to b last night and he loved it, but he loves everything i do, so that's not a huge indicator of it's quality. regardless, i'm very tickled and i think it will be fun and that our guests will enjoy it.

it's 18 days til the wedding. i booked an appointment for that morning at diva. i want to go for an hour massage the morning on the wedding. i'd hoped to go to a yoga class, but to be honest i don't think i'd be able to concentrate. so instead i'll go get a full-body massage so that i'm totally chilled and relaxed. i was planning on going at 10 til 11, but they were booked for that slot, so i'm going at 9. which kind of works out well because it gives me more time afterwards.

the world that i love bears your name.

trampoline

well... i had a very nice weekend. that being said, i had a very difficult time getting up this morning. that's always a sure sign that i'm in need of a vacation.

FRIDAY: i went to the brew pub with megan, because the boys were having a brother-bachelor party.

SATURDAY: i'd planned to do a bunch of wedding stuff, but ended up getting a lot less accomplished. we did however get a joint bank account set up, but i think they did it wrong, so we're going to have to go again later. maybe we'll just wait til july, there's no rush on that. we'd walked up to loblaws (where the bank is), and when we were finished it was time for caleb's birthday party. so instead of walking home for the car we just walked to joy's place. that was fun, then my dad drove us home.

SUNDAY: started off rough. the wheels fell off my day pretty quickly. nothing was fatal, just nothing went smoothly. it felt like everything was harder than it should be. andrew needed people to help with special meals, and i was struggling with my conscious because of my intentional decision to not do my regular things this month. so brendan went without me and i had a 2 hour nap :) when i got up i did the dishes and read my book. how lovely. that evening b and i went to see megan perform at the mansion. she did great as usual, her sound was extra rich because of her new amp. brendan has been mentoring me in the ways of beer, so we both had a pint. it seems b brings out the competitive side in me and i really wanted to keep up with him. sadly, whenever i'd chug to gain on him he'd casually raise his glass and in a few short glups pass me once again. when i was finally making some progress he swallowed the rest of his pint whole :( this being said... drinking a pint more quickly than usual left me rather tipsy, and b had to carefully take me home while i laughed at a sign that said "chinese food" and wiggled my bottom. oh dear.

all in all it was a very nice weekend. i'm crossing my fingers for a nice week too.

it's 19 days til the wedding. this is totally surreal.

the long farewell from the hunger strike.

wagon

at roughly 6:30 this morning i thought "i should put out my kitchen green bin on the curb" because it was fully and it's garbage day. so i grabbed the container from my counter top and walked away. within seconds i heard a loud crash and when i went back i found that my glass cake stand had fallen and shattered all over the floor along with 2 mugs, and another one that didn't break. i stood there stunned and my mind reeling. it struck me heavily that in a second something went from being to broken. i love that cake stand. i bought it at the sally ann with beckie for 10 dollars! it was such an awesome steal! i was so happy and every time i've used it i've felt so thrilled by it. i knew i'd be very sad if it ever broke. it was awful sweeping it up, and i wondered if the loud shatter woke the girls downstairs. it was really hard. and especially so because i don't know if or where i could get another one. i loved that stand - well at least as much as one can love an inanimate object. it was so lovely and beautiful.

if anyone see's another for sale some place please let me know. this is generally what it looked like. maybe if you see one for less than 20 bux pick it up for me and i'd pay you back :(

do you think it would be possible to order one online? do you think it would break in the mail??

oh man, this sucks.

thankfully i'm not too upset. i'm just super disappointed. i have my head screwed up straight enough to know that it's ok, that it's crappy but not earth shattering. there was part of me that wanted to just start crying as i stood amongst all the glass, but i didn't. i wasn't THAT attached to it. when things like that happen i try to tell myself that it can be replaced. i hate the idea of living in a replaceable world, but when it comes to things like that there's no sense in dwelling on it when if i just replace it then i can continue on and hardly miss a beat. deep down i feel like i always knew it was going to break. my things break a lot. i don't know if my things break more often than other people's but in general my kitchenwares have an expiry date. is it that i'm not careful enough? or do i leave things in precarious situations? i do recognize that had i cleaned it last night and put it away in it's proper place that wouldn't have happened. oh well. there's no sense dwelling on it.

there's a lot to be said for leaving things unspoken of.

fry

discrimination makes my brain hurt.
i seriously feel numb when i come across it.

like an ice cream headache.
i just don't understand.

warm

in the summer (and when i say summer i mean may-august) my life adjusts to a new pace. i get the chance to exhale and really enjoy a more relaxed schedule. usually. but this year i feel like my life is still moving quickly, and i'm finding myself holding on tight as life is whizzes by. it's hard, and i just want to get off this crazy merry-go-round before i throw up. it's difficult to know how much the wedding is contributing to my state of being. it's not too much to handle, and i'm not overwhelmed by it, but it's probably filling in some of my breathing space. i'm in need of a sabbatical. my sabbath rest.

i've been told by several people, most specifically by sarah, that being engaged is a very special time in one's life. we've felt a range of emotions during the last 2 months, but one thing we haven't done is really bask in this once-in-a-life-time experience. i really want the next 23 days to be fully experienced and fully enjoyed. this is a unique phase and i don't want it to just slip by without fully appreciating it.

so i've decided to go off the grid. not electronically, or even socially. i'm not going to become a recluse or disappear, but i'm going to make the conscious effort to let the month of june just be about our engagement, and let that be my first priority in terms of activities. i'm blowing things wide open. i'm giving myself permission to say no, i'm giving myself a break from regularly scheduled program. the only committments i have will be to casual social gatherings (trips to the brew pub, dinner with friends, catching movies at the screening room) and to wedding tasks. i'm gearing down. i'm changing pace. i'm really excited about this, i think it's important and something i'll be glad i did.

 

it occured to me this morning that i feel a great self-imposed weight on my shoulders. somewhere along the line i've adopted my commitments as my sole responsibility - at least in my head. it's like i feel the world will fall apart if i step back for a little while. i'm finding myself wondering... who will do this? who will do that? so i'm telling myself "breathe, it's ok". i'm not sure where this is coming from, because that kind of self-importance is just the kind of thing i consider frustrating. so in addition to breathing, i'm learning to exercise my trust muscles. it's about accepting team work from my community.

so i'm going to rest. one beautifully sweet nap of the heart. i'll wake up at the end of summer refreshed and smiley. it'll be good.

the moon's behind the moutains, sun's beneath the see.
a cloud that's crazy, you commit to memory.

epost

i'd forgotten how much i like my eye doctor. she's a super nice lady, so friendly and excited. she's just someone i like very much. i haven't been in for an eye appointment since 2004 - after ohip stopped covering eye exams (i still think that's stupid). but thankfully my new health plan at work will cover eye appointments.

doing an eye exam is neat. i like sitting there with the thing on my face deciding which is better lens one or lens two, and so on. i kind of feel like people who don't need glasses are missing out!

on the other hand, when they did the pressure test and blew a puff of air into my eye i was somewhat frightened. i startle easily and sitting there waiting in suspense for the puff of air was a little nerve wracking, and i'd jump with a start when it finally happened. not only was it a pressure test, but also a test of my will power.

my perscription hasn't changed a lot, but my astigmatism has progressed to the point that i could use toric lenses if i want. so she gave me a pair, and i'm wearing them right now. they're doing weird things to my eyes and i don't like it. i can't even describe it. all i can say is that the lower rim is drawing attention to itself. i don't know if they're too big or two small or what. i assume they're in the right spot because toric lenses have weights in them to line them up properly. i'm going to have to call and get some advise or a different kind. i think i'll go back to non-toric lenses.

one exciting thing is that dr beth said that technology has really improved since 2004 and contacts don't get as dried out. which is good because i can feel that my eyes are dry and she could tell just by looking that my right eye is too dry and i didn't even wear my contacts today! so hopefully this advanced technology will improve my eye quality and by extension my quality of life (i often have to go home from places early to take out my contacts).

tell me, am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

kin

brendan stabbed himself in the arm by accident at work. i arrive to pick him up to discover he has a wound in his forearm and needs me to drive him to the hospital. in a very domestic fashion i tell him that i have a cake in the oven and we'll need to stop at home to take it out before going to hotel dieu.

we spent 2 hours there. it was ok. time past fairly fast. when i got bored of reading we played madlibs. we had some good giggles the first time around. but on the second one, it just killed me! i was laughing quite hard when the doctor and resident arrived back in our space. my laughter closely resembled crying, so dr adam was quite concerned, while dr francis asked if we'd been smoking pot. as francis and adam addressed brendan, i hid behind him stiffing my laughs, which only made it seem more funny.

i'd guessed that he'd need 3 stitches. the triage nurse said "a couple". brendan thought that since she's a nurse and i'm a graphic designer that she was probably right with 2. but in the end he only had one. his clothes are covered in blood. the cut itself is only about 1 inch, but it was deep and gushy. this event may very well have convinced him that having a second pair of pants is not a bad idea. without them he's going to have to be all "risky business" around the house tomorrow. watch out rach!

it struck me odd today at the hospital that not only is the word "pants" plural, but we refer to them as a "pair" of pants. they're not a pair of anything. they're one. sure there are two legs, but when would you ever need just one pant, and you can't lose one they're not like a sock or a mitten. it's weird.

the first cut is the deepest.