miss

well... here we are.
this is my last chance to write until after i'm married. it's been really important to me to make sure i have some time and solitude to reflect on the big life change i'm about to go thru.

*deep sigh*
i'm 30 years old. when i was a teenager i thought i'd get married at 21. i figured i'd just marry whoever i was dating at the time. my logic was that why would i be with someone who i didn't think i was going to marry, so obviously that meant i'd marry them. it's amazing to think of my younger self completely unaware of the fact that i would actually spend the majority of my 20s single and frustrated. i like that my life has not unfolded how i predicted it would. the only thing i would change is the frustrated part. if i could've eliminated that part of my single experience – the tears, the discouragement, the loneliness, the alienation, the tediousness, the rejection – i would. but... truth be told those are part of the experience. they were very challenging years that stretched me and taught me a great number of things, and in the end made me a more well-rounded person. although, being the single girl became a big part of my identity. it's hard to imagine being seen any other way.

finding the right partner is a very yucky experience. to be honest i feel like "putting myself out there" involved sinking to depths i wouldn't normally consider. i feel a certain amount of sting or embarrassment, as though i was omitting an odour of desperation (interestingly enough, connecting with brendan actually involved doing nothing other than living my life). i by in large felt ashamed of my desire to have a partner. i would often try to pretend when talking with people i wasn't friends with that being single was no big deal and that i wanted it that way. i didn't like being that defensive, but it was better than being vulnerable. in the harder times i most definitely got thru with the support and presence of my friends. i'm so fortunate to have so many lovely people who i really connect with. without those relationships where i was able to talk on a deep level i could never have felt like i belonged. i'm very thankful. it's really my friends that made me well-rounded, and well-grounded too for that matter.

it's been 20 years since i lived with a man. in 1990 my dad moved out which left me with just my mom and my sister. it was a pretty charged household that i dubbed "the estrogen zoo". from there i lived with girl housemates, then different girl housemates, then still more girl housemates. my life has been rich with the presence of women. in the meantime men have become a great mystery which remained unattainable. but soon i will have one with me, within arms reach, sleeping beside me in my bed. how do i make this change without being afraid of the unknown? we'll figure it out i guess.

well, i should go to bed. it's a big day tomorrow. the wedding festivities begin at 6:30 p.m. with shanno and i running errands, then it will be non-stop until sunday.

so here we are. lesley mcknight is signing off for the last time. as of saturday this blog will belong to lesley lorimer :)

come on and save me
if you could save me
from the ranks of the freaks
who suspect they could never love anyone.