warm

in the summer (and when i say summer i mean may-august) my life adjusts to a new pace. i get the chance to exhale and really enjoy a more relaxed schedule. usually. but this year i feel like my life is still moving quickly, and i'm finding myself holding on tight as life is whizzes by. it's hard, and i just want to get off this crazy merry-go-round before i throw up. it's difficult to know how much the wedding is contributing to my state of being. it's not too much to handle, and i'm not overwhelmed by it, but it's probably filling in some of my breathing space. i'm in need of a sabbatical. my sabbath rest.

i've been told by several people, most specifically by sarah, that being engaged is a very special time in one's life. we've felt a range of emotions during the last 2 months, but one thing we haven't done is really bask in this once-in-a-life-time experience. i really want the next 23 days to be fully experienced and fully enjoyed. this is a unique phase and i don't want it to just slip by without fully appreciating it.

so i've decided to go off the grid. not electronically, or even socially. i'm not going to become a recluse or disappear, but i'm going to make the conscious effort to let the month of june just be about our engagement, and let that be my first priority in terms of activities. i'm blowing things wide open. i'm giving myself permission to say no, i'm giving myself a break from regularly scheduled program. the only committments i have will be to casual social gatherings (trips to the brew pub, dinner with friends, catching movies at the screening room) and to wedding tasks. i'm gearing down. i'm changing pace. i'm really excited about this, i think it's important and something i'll be glad i did.

 

it occured to me this morning that i feel a great self-imposed weight on my shoulders. somewhere along the line i've adopted my commitments as my sole responsibility - at least in my head. it's like i feel the world will fall apart if i step back for a little while. i'm finding myself wondering... who will do this? who will do that? so i'm telling myself "breathe, it's ok". i'm not sure where this is coming from, because that kind of self-importance is just the kind of thing i consider frustrating. so in addition to breathing, i'm learning to exercise my trust muscles. it's about accepting team work from my community.

so i'm going to rest. one beautifully sweet nap of the heart. i'll wake up at the end of summer refreshed and smiley. it'll be good.

the moon's behind the moutains, sun's beneath the see.
a cloud that's crazy, you commit to memory.