arcade

i think i've finally realized why i hate feeling controlled so much.

it makes me feel small.

not even belittled, specifically it makes me feel small. the other person becomes big and overwhelming then i slowly lose my nerve to speak up. what's the point? they can't hear my anyways.

i hate feeling suddenly out of the driver's seat on something that was my own initative. i know that no one (or at least next to no one) is intentionally controlling, often people are just so enthusiastic that they get carried away. when that happens i usually conceed because i can't think of any logical reason why their way is not also a valid approach. so i go along with them, then end up feeling like a fifth wheel in my own enterprise. maybe it's a question of boundaries. maybe my expectations of boundaries are here, but the other participant's boundaries are much bigger, and i'm suddenly enveloped into their scheme of things. i think i keep my circles quite small. compartmentalizing fragments in separate functions. sometimes people with bigger broader circles don't like how i keep myself in such confined spaces. but the thing is that i live one step at a time, i can't be looking all they way over to your stepping stones when i'm trying to walk the narrow rocks placed out for me.

when i'm not good at stuff or when i'm new at stuff it's hard but i like to figure it out for myself. my mom has tried to explain to my sister for the last 30 years that i need to learn things for myself. my mom and joy look around them, observe other people and proceed with caution along what they perceive to be the best course of action. i on the other hand, step out into treacherous territory, make my way, slip and fall down, then look back at the path i've taken and come to specific conclusions about what i would do next time. that's how i work, and that method serves me well.

now that we've established that, i don't know what to do about feeling small. i think i'm a good team player when i know my role. i expect other people to know their roles as well. that's not always the case. i guess it's a live and learn thing. hopefully next time i'll be able to relax about it or speak up. the reality is that some people are planners, and other people are last minute organizers. that's just the way it is. so i suppose if i'm going to be last minute about things i'm bound to end up feeling controlled by people who are more forward thinking.

it cares not for your pyramid schemes.