helium

this has been a weird day. i feel that it's safe to say that i'm definitely depressed and it may not be just the weather. all week i've been a bit off. stressed, anxious, overwhelmed for no apparent reason. i've been feeling really crappy about myself and that i'm letting people down or always doing/saying the wrong things. anyways, today for no apparent reason i had a total breakdown. i'm feeling a bit better now, or at least i'm up and doing. it's scary not understanding why i feel this way and not knowing how to soothe myself. brendan was really great. i feel like i trust him even more knowing that he can stand by me when i'm at my worst. right now every obligation or commitment i have seems like a gigantic hurdle that i'm just not up to facing. and yet, avoiding such things only makes it worse. i'm looking forward to our trip to cleveland next weekend because the only thing i will have to do is go on a trip and have a nice time. 

i haven't felt this bad since my early 20s when i suffered from depression for a year. things just don't feel right inside me. 

in spite of this, there were some nice parts of today. brendan and i assembled a shelf unit for my dad at his apartment. i got my hair cut. i did my first load of laundry in our new washing machine. and we went out for dinner to copper penny. 

we bought our washing machine about a month ago. i'm pretty sure i told you the harrowing tale of us carrying it into the basement.  after that we contacted 3 plumbers to assemble it and aside from the one plumber who gave us a quote then blew us off, we made no progress. so out of desperation on thursday i decided that i would call thru the phonebook until i found a plumber who would install it (we didn't have a hook-up or a drain in the basement) on friday afternoon when brendan was home (his only chunk of time off school). thankfully the first place i called was nice and close by and they came over that afternoon to give us a quote and then came on friday to hook it up. i'm so grateful. it feels pretty awesome having laundry at our disposal. it amuses me a little that between buying the washer and getting it installed makes it the most expensive load of laundry ever. i think i'll need to do another load tomorrow. we don't have a dryer and the clothes are drying on racks so space is limited. 

b has gone over to next to get the music ready for tomorrow. i'm tired but i'll wait for him to return because i don't want to go to bed alone. having him with me is comforting. right now i feel squeezed from every side, even if i don't know why. having him with me is reassuring. it's nice to know there's someone in arms reach if i need it.

your hair's on fire, you must have lost your wits.