for the first time, last friday i missed knickers. not missed her in a nostalgic sense, but i felt her absence in a very real way. she was a real fighter and networker. she knew the ropes and would fight fires on behalf of our team. on friday i needed to get some information from one of the engineers, so i went over to speak to her. in doing so, i found myself caught in the middle of two engineers and their opinions. i had to stand there with them for at least an hour because i needed the information decided at the end of their discussion. after that was finished i then had to go speak with a director to explain the results of that conversation and come up with a course of action. all this to say... i felt like a young adult who finds herself launched into the real work only to find she no longer has her parents to fix her troubles any longer. it hit me that the weight is now upon my shoulders. there's no one else but me. i am now the communications rep at our site. i have to network. i have to chase people. i have to fight for our team. knickers is gone and emma is stationed overseas. it's just me. and that feels like a big deal. i'm not really made for that sort of thing. i like just doing what i'm told and not being a decision-maker. networking is not enjoyable. it's draining to be around people, especially at work where i am stationed in an open concept room with 20 odd other people. i wish sometimes i had walls that could provide me with some shelter. then in my small alone space i could recharge. the empty space around me could radiate energy back into me.
yesterday was a bit dicey. at times i felt ok, other times i did not. i'd occasionally give b an update so he'd know where i was at. i wasn't / am not sad. i feel worn. thin in spots. threadbare. i'm planning on laying low this week. spacing out my commitments, maximizing my resting time. part of me feels badly that i need leisure time. that's not an option for people with kids. but i suppose i shouldn't be comparing myself. this is me and where i'm at. and maybe i should take advantage of the freedom to relax in order to recharge simply because i can.
beckie told me to take care of my day-to-day things in order to establish good mental hygiene. i like this approach. i did another load of laundry. the luxury convenient laundry is quite addictive. it's so nice having clean clothes, sheets, towels, etc. it's also really nice how easy that can be accomplished. SO great.
yesterday was a bit dicey. at times i felt ok, other times i did not. i'd occasionally give b an update so he'd know where i was at. i wasn't / am not sad. i feel worn. thin in spots. threadbare. i'm planning on laying low this week. spacing out my commitments, maximizing my resting time. part of me feels badly that i need leisure time. that's not an option for people with kids. but i suppose i shouldn't be comparing myself. this is me and where i'm at. and maybe i should take advantage of the freedom to relax in order to recharge simply because i can.
beckie told me to take care of my day-to-day things in order to establish good mental hygiene. i like this approach. i did another load of laundry. the luxury convenient laundry is quite addictive. it's so nice having clean clothes, sheets, towels, etc. it's also really nice how easy that can be accomplished. SO great.
rockabye, the baby that is me
rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye till i'm fast asleep.
2 comments:
It's true - don't compare yourself to people with kids, or anyone else. If you have the space in your life for time to unwind, use it! Use it to its fullest advantage. One of my regrets in life is that I didn't take full advantage of the time I had pre-kids. I wasn't intentional about how I used it at all. If taking leisure time and space for yourself is important right now - do it! And don't feel bad about it!
I agree with Rachel! Take the time you need for you! Your body/spirit is telling you something, listen to it! :)
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