lately it feels like there's something wrong with me. i've been noticing that other people get about excited about things that i simply don't care about. i feel constantly baffled about what's so great about this or that. i'm always wondering why.
why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.
i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.
i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.
it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.
i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.
as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.
why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.
i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.
i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.
it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.
i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.
as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.
Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very;'
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
2 comments:
I just read this post to Jason and he said it is like hearing his own thoughts. You two really are so much alike.
you know... i thought of asking him if he's ever experienced that before, but didn't really know how to phrase it as a question.
hahaha.
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