immediately after the last attempt with the forceps, i was being wheeled off to the OR. things were happening fast. there were a LOT of people in the room (i'd guess about 15, but i don't know for sure). i was quickly given a small plastic jar of sour liquid and told to drink it. i'm not exactly sure what it was, i think it was supposed to kill any bacteria in my body, but whatever it was, i was asked about 3 times afterwards if i'd been given the sour drink, so it must have been important.
brendan was brought along behind me to get changed into some scrubs and as my hopes faded of pushing out my baby i became quite emotional. i tried my best to keep it together, i didn't want the hospital staff to see my cry, but i was overcome. at the time i just thought i was overwhelmed by what was happening, but in hindsight, i was feeling "it wasn't supposed to happen this way!". i was sad, i was kind of horrified, i was frustrated, i was tired, i was scared. i'd heard from a few people that during a c-section it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and i was dreading the feeling of suffocation.
i kept asking for brendan. "where's brendan, where's brendan?" i wanted him with me. i needed to see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his reassuring touch. but each time i asked they'd tell me "he's just outside getting his scrubs on. he'll join you when we're ready".
mico and alyssa were allowed to come in with me. and they brought a calming and familiar presence. mico sat near my head and told me "you can know that you tried everything. you can look back on this and not wonder 'what if i'd tried the foreceps?' you did everything you could". it was nice having that reassurance. especially since she's a midwife and clearly believed we were all out of options.
the hospital staff were trying to up my epidural, which at that point had been starting to wear off. they had this ice pack and would touch it against my skin to gauge my sense of feeling. "is it cold here? is it still cold? how about here?" and everywhere they placed it, i could still feel the cold. now, it's worth mentioning that they'd already upped my epidural before the forceps. at this point, it was at it's max. the doctors then tried pricking me to see if i could feel it.
"can you feel this? you should still feel pressure, but you shouldn't feel any pain".
"yes" i said "i can feel that".
"you can feel that, or does it hurt?"
"i can feel it, it hurts. it's a pin prick and it hurts".
at this point i was having horrible thoughts of them cutting in to me and me being able to feel the entire thing. they tried adjusting the epidural, then tried the ice and pin prick again, but there was no difference.
with that, they decided that they'd have to put me under. i started crying again. i laid there with my arms stretched out like i was being crucified.
things just kept going from bad to worse. because they were having to use a general anesthetic, brendan wouldn't be permitted in the room. mico joined me again and encouraged me to stop crying. she asked me "do you want me to take pictures?" my first thought was "no, i don't want to remember THIS", but she very firmly stated "brendan won't be able to be here, and you're going to be out. this will be your only chance. i can take pictures and you can delete them if you want." so i gave her my permission.
for some reason, they decided to give me some pure oxygen, holding a mask over my face. i remember quite distinctly that there was a student/resident anesthesiologist holding the oxygen mask, and the weight of his hand was blocking off the air and i couldn't breathe. i tried telling him that he needed to move his hand, but he didn't understand what i was saying.
before getting started, the 15 odd people in the room all went around the circle and introduced themselves to me by their first name and what their role was. i felt that was a really classy move. it made the room full of strangers feel more like a friendly team who were on my side.
soon they started administering the gas that would put me under (i don't actually know what that's called). i remember feeling relieved that at least i wouldn't have to endure the panicky feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. another upside, was that at least THIS was guaranteed to get my baby out – he would soon be here.
the next thing i knew, i was waking up and brendan was pacing beside me with a bundle in his arms wrapped in a hospital receiving blanket. he was pumped. i remember feeling confused, why was brendan in the operating room? i remember my eyelids were so heavy, and even though i really wanted to see my baby, i was so tired and just wanted to sleep. it turns out i wasn't in the OR, and i was on a gurney rather than the narrow operating table.
i tried looking at him, but the room was so bright and my eyelids were so heavy. someone, probably alyssa, laid him down beside me, and he started breastfeeding. he did very well, he latched on like a pro.
afterwards, someone placed him on my chest and i held him for a long time. i remember finding it strange that i still hadn't had a good look at his face even though we'd been together for at least a half hour. by this time it was around 5ish(?). he was born at 2:36, and my entire family, plus rach and shannon had been waiting in the waiting room. i felt badly for taking so long, so i suggested that brendan got at least the girls so they could see him before going home. they'd been up for so long and were very tired.
slowly i became more awake, and got a close look at his little face. i knew it was him. even though i was asleep when he was born, i could feel that this was my baby.
annette came in and got me cleaned up and dressed me in a gown. i didn't mind the gown at that point, it was easier than trying to put on a shirt. a porter arrived and with éamon in my arms we started heading to our room on connell 3. i was excited for our parents to meet him, i was excited to tell them all about my experience.
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