éamon's birth – part two

it was around 2:30 that my epidural was fully installed, and the girls were permitted back in the room. now that the pain had dimmed, we all tried to catch some z's. shannon was quite impressive since she was out like a light in what appeared to be an uncomfortable position. rach and b had a harder time sleeping, and i mostly just laid with my eyes closed, but it was still restful. my mind was racing, so i think i did quite well under the circumstances. at 4:30, bridget came in to check my cervix again and found that i was 6 cm. around this time, laurie got even more concerned about the baby's heart-rate, so they decided to do one of those scalp fetal monitors. i have to admit, there was part of me that wished i'd listened better to that part of prenatal class. since i believed i'd be having a homebirth, i didn't really pay attention. as bridget connected the fetal monitor, she found that i'd dilated another centimetre, in only 15 minutes!

by 8:30 i was fully dilated and we were starting to get geared up for pushing. brendan was notifying family and friends via email and telephone. a new day nurse was on duty and i was feeling quite sleepy (not just tired) so i was encouraged to take an hour nap and slept quite well. when 9:30 rolled around we were all in high spirits and annette (our day nurse) said i'd probably have my baby by noon.

there are a few advantages to birthing in a hospital, and the one thing i was most excited about was being able to use the squatting bar. so when things got going, i was all positioned, squatting at the end of the bed. it was tricky at first – pushing. trying to figure out how to push and how to breathe. i was told to take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then repeat another two times. soon it became brendan's job to count to ten, a task he did very well except once he accidentally sped up (8, 9, 10), and another time he forgot to count completely. it was a good role for him, something he could do with confidence. between pushes everyone was very encouraging, which was very helpful since i didn't feel like i was making any progress. soon the nurse suggested another position using the squatting bar. she said we'd change positions every so often until we found the position that worked best for me. i was pleasantly surprised by this since i didn't think hospitals were open to different positions (i was actually very surprised they had a squatting bar). shannon and rach were on either side of me, holding my legs, or helping position my legs. annette suggested we try a series for 4 six-second pushes, with the last one me holding on for as long as i could. i like this much better than the 3 ten-second breaths/pushes. gradually my lungs got stronger and i could hold+push for much longer periods of time. eventually i was told that his head was starting to appear and he had lots of black hair – just as i'd been expecting! mico brought a mirror so i could see my own progress. i can't tell if it was a help or a hindrance. in some ways it was very motivating, but in other ways it was discouraging because i continued just seeing a small part of his head and the opening wasn't getting any larger.

on at least three different occasions, three different doctors were brought in to consult on what position he was facing. i kept telling them that he was back up and on my right side, but they said he could change position. they even did a quick ultrasound to confirm this. they thought if he was posterior that might explain the slow progress. it turns out i was right, he was in the right position – face down.

as each hour past, i was told "just one more hour" and then another later i'd be told that again. time was going by quickly, and for the most part, my strength remained the same. i remember getting really hot though and sleepy. brendan and shannon would take turns bringing me a cold cloth for my face between contractions. eventually i'd just lie there between contractions with a wet cloth covering my face, except for my nose and mouth. it also became more and more challenging to keep my eyes open.

at some point in the morning, maybe around 11:30, the phone rang and it was my dad. brendan politely told him "we're still in the middle of things, we'll call you later". it turns out that all our parents were thinking "something should've happened by now".

after many hours of pushing, my voice had gone all raspy. i don't know when or why exactly, but i assume it was from the strain of pushing. it was mico who first pointed it out, so i guess that's not a common occurrence. it still hasn't returned to normal.

probably around the third hour, annette started casually mentioning some birthing assistance – forceps and/or the vacuum. she explained to me that with either tool, they simply assist and it would still require me to push the baby out. so to ensure those remained an option, i had to make sure i always kept three more pushes. she didn't want me running out of steam before that intervention. i understood what she was saying, and i felt i had a good sense of where i was at with my energy level, so i assured her that i would save at least three pushes.

i don't know if the hospital staff and midwives suspected something was wrong, if they did, they didn't really let on. thinking back, the tone of room had a hint of mystery in it. no one seemed to know why it was taking so long, or why, in spite of my strong pushes, i was making so little progress. he was stuck. just rocking back and forth on a wave, never making his way to shore. everyone was saying "he's a stubborn little guy" and i'd say "well, i'm stubborn too" and keep pushing.

the doctors were invited in for a consultation, and they confirmed that i had progressed past the invisible line that made forceps or the vacuum an option. i'd say an hour passed before i concluded my energy level was waning and decided that i'd be ok with him being born with forceps. by this time it was around noon and it was becoming clear that i was looking at another two hours of pushing. two hours i didn't have in me. i was surprised that they'd let me go on so long, because i'd heard they didn't like women to push past a certain number of hours. i think it was because they really believed i was making progress (even though it was slow) and was going to eventually push him out. it was really more a question of what i had left in me.

someone went to get the crew of doctors again, and the NIC unit team arrived. the NIC unit had to be there because of the meconium. once he came out, if he didn't cry they would have to suction him to clear his airways of meconium. this is the reason why a homebirth was not possible. i was told by mico that the doctors/residents would access the baby's position, then decide which tool to use – the forceps or the vacuum. they would then have to check to see if what they selected could be fitted onto his head. then we'd get two shots. i'd have to give it all i've got. if it wasn't successful the only other option would be a c-section.

so the doctors picked forceps, which i was glad about. for some reason i felt more comfortable with foreceps. the resident, paul (who seemed like a really down to earth guy, with tattoos and a friendly demeanor. he's someone i could see us having beers with) went over all the risks and procedure stuff. i can't fully remember, but i either had my eyes closed or i had a damp cloth over my face. i'm surprised he didn't make me open my eyes and look at him, but i think he understood i was just too tired. thankfully, they were successful at getting the forceps into position and it was then time to push. i pushed the hardest i could. i really believed i could do it. the next step (c-section) didn't even register as a possibility in my mind. i was simply going to push him out.

but he didn't budge.