7:30

i'm beginning to think our kitchen needs a little something. it lacks a certain pizazz. recently, a picture of our old kitchen came up on my screen saver. i loved that kitchen. it was old, but it had a certain quality that made it feel homey and have character. i'm trying to come up with some ideas to integrate those qualities into the kitchen at the exile. i'm toying with putting my postcards up again, but there's something about that that feels too maxipad and i think i need to come up with something different. hmmmm.

tomorrow we're going camping at bon echo. just for an overnight. i'm excited. we haven't been camping since 2011. i'm looking forward to being outdoors and sitting around the campfire. thankfully the weather is looking good and fairly warm too – a low of 18ºC.

there we were all in one place.

belize

recently, rachel had the privilege of shadowing mianh for a week in the life of a midwife. shanno and i were excited to hear about her experience so we planned to get together the three of us last night. shanno invited us over to her place. i'd planned to take éamon along with me, but it dawned on me that he'd just end up sitting in his chair upstairs and he could just as easily sit in his chair downstairs with b. i decided to just leave him at home, because b could call me if éam got hungry. i really enjoyed my time with the girls with undivided attention, and when i got home (back downstairs), he was as good as could be. b said he was fine all evening and was all swaddled tight, in a deep sleep ready for bed. i was really proud of him, and i'm looking forward to more evenings out on main street and beyond.

i've been reflecting on how it feels to discuss birth now that i've had a baby – especially since his birth didn't go the way i'd pictured. i'm still very excited about birth. it's a beautiful, amazing and mind-blowing event. the one thing that's changed is i feel more open-minded that i used to be. i think my beliefs about birth were much more narrow before. i knew that birth was unpredictable and couldn't be planned, but i had a subconscious belief that i was insusceptible to complications. so i feel humbled. to be fair, i had no reason to believe i would be high risk, but i was probably naive too.

i've also been thinking about the phrases "hospitable birth" and "home birth", and i want to re-frame them as "birth in a hospital" and "birth at home". if i'm honest with myself, i know that before my birth the term "hospital birth" was always a dirty word. for home birth advocates (i include myself in this), a "hospital birth" is the worse case scenario. since i've given birth in a hospital, i know it's not nearly as bad as i imaged, and the hospital staff were not my enemies. birth is birth wherever it takes place. it can be good or bad wherever it takes place. and i'm going to be intentional to not use labels, especially labels that can diminish or undermine. i would challenge anyone who might trivialize my experience or imply that it was sub-par because it took place in a hospital. not that anyone has, but i believe that pre-baby lesley probably would have without meaning to. so out of courtesy and out of respect for birth, i want to take this new, more inclusive approach.

moss grows fat on a rollin' stone,
but that's not how it used to be.

up/out

yesterday i was creeping a facebook friend's profile. he's a guy i grew up with, the younger brother if a elementary school friend – we used to play together the three of us. i was telling brendan about him, that he's funny and an opera singer and gay. i called b over to look at this funny cover photo he had of him sitting with an old lady on a couch as he helped her with her computer (it was funnier than it sounds). and b said "aw, look at you, all smitten over a gay guy. who would've thunk? you think you know someone..." :p i really do have a weakness for gay men.

helter skelter in a summer swelter.

snore

today is my niece's second birthday. i spent the day crocheting a blanket for her new doll, wilhelm. it turned out pretty good. i liked that as soon as she opened the present she wrapped him in it :)

one thing i was unsure about, since i've never been in this position before is whether or not to include éamon's name on the card. because it wasn't from him, he's not big enough to understand gifts or cards or signatures or birthdays or even who audrey is yet. so it feels weird. the gift was from me and b. we spent time brainstorming and gifts shopping and crocheting. in my family, my nieces and nephews buy us christmas gifts that they pick out – those gifts really are from THEM. i think i'll wait until éamon is bigger and actually knows people before gift-giving with him. i'm too practical for cute things like that.

yesterday we had our prenatal class reunion. it was fun. i was kind of dreading it because these aren't people we really got to know in a personal way, but it turned out to be a fun time and we did end up chatting outside the baby circle into people's jobs and where they're from originally. surprisingly, at least half the women's births began with their water breaking, and all of them eventually had to be induced. one girl dilated to 9 cm on her own, then digressed to 6 cm, at which time they chose to induce her. i've never heard of that before! anyways, it sounds like the group wants to keep in touch and we're talking about having another reunion in october.

earlier this week i was thinking about chopping my hair to my shoulders, BUT i think i've come up with an alternative solution. i'm just going to put my hair in two braids each day instead. it keeps it back out of my face, it doesn't get in the way when bending over, the baby doesn't grab at it, and if he does, it doesn't hurt. awesome! b said an added bonus is that i look more like the girl from little house on the prairie :S

did you write the book of love?

percolating

when looking ahead to this summer, knowing i wouldn't have to go to work or wear work clothes, i planned to go the whole summer barefoot. it's now almost labour day and i can't remember when i wore socks last, and almost exclusively wear flip-flops.

as a result, my feet have gotten very rough. i like this, it feels like a great accomplishment and will only serve to aid me in my attempt to be barefoot.

i remember being a kid and seeing my mom's rough feet. my were still all soft and pink, and i decided at the time that i never wanted my feet to be rough like that. i'm usually someone who likes to indulge my childhood desires because i want my younger self to be proud of my current self. but in this case, i think i under-estimated the benefits. a number of years ago i got a pedicure before going to mexico, and i couldn't walk anywhere barefoot because even the slightest uneven surfaces hurt my feet. i decided i'd never get a pedicure ever again.

all this to say, i consider my summer a success.

one more moondance with you in the moonlight.

spurt

today i did something i never thought i'd do.
well, to be honest, it didn't occur to me that this kind of action becomes necessary.

while walking home from an outing to downtown, i had to stop on a grassy spot just off the sidewalk on a busy kingston street to breastfeed my baby. i found it both funny and awkward. i'm sure i'll never look at that spot beside the laundromat the same ever again.

looking to the fall i'm starting to wonder if i'm going to end up being over-scheduled – which is my least favourite thing. since i have a lot of spare time, when activities come up i think "oh, i can do that" (swimming lessons, roots of empathy, volunteering at the food bank, weekly visits, etc, etc). so far i'm loving having the freedom to walk down to tara foods on a week day. i hope i preserve enough time in my week for spontaneity that when my year is over that i can look back and really feel like it was a year of freedom.

today i had lunch at the golden rooster. i just sat eating my sandwich with éamon strapped on my front surrounded by old folks. who knew so many seniors had late lunches!

someone's gonna paint you another sky.

knee-jerk

it probably goes without saying that i'm not a fan of unsolicited advise, because who really is? i like to tread carefully to not be pushy with others in general. but every once and a while, i discover something that is so great that i want for everyone to know about it, so they have the opportunity to consider/try it themselves – like diva cups and other things (that have currently slipped my mind).

my latest awesome discovery is placenta encapsulation.

what? you ask?

placenta encapsulation.

i suppose this only really relates to pregnant women, but i want to make sure i spread the word as much as possible. so by telling you folks about it, you might pass this message on to someone else to consider.

if this is the first time you've heard about it, you're probably a little grossed out. "WHAT!?!?!?" you're thinking "eat your PLACENTA??" not quite. encapsulate it, like a vitamin.

i've heard about people eating their placentas for years; provocative people bbq-ing it and enjoying the reaction it gets from others. the reality is, that placentas really do provide custom nutrients and benefits, but not all of us like to be shocking and outrageous. i consider myself the latter, so didn't think a lot about it. but while i was pregnant i started hearing more about placenta encapsulation, especially from people i consider "normal" (not "hippies", not extremists – just regular, ordinary citizens). and i started to think "if that person did it, maybe it's more legitimate than i thought" and started looking into it. this is what i discovered:

it is believed that consuming the placenta can:
• help to balance your hormones / reduces postpartum depression
• replenish depleted iron levels
• assist the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy state
• reduce post-natal bleeding
• increase milk production
• make for a happier, more enjoyable post-natal period
• increase your energy levels

• reduces post-natal hair loss

being a person who has struggled with very difficult bouts of PMS, i've always considered myself someone at risk of major postpartum depression. brendan, being the partner of someone who has episodes of extreme PMS, was also keenly aware of how bad things could get. so when we learned that this was an option that could reduce postpartum depression, we quickly decided it was worth a shot. we had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. transitioning into parenting can be difficult enough without throwing in a hormonal hurricane into the mix.

so i started looking for someone local who provides the service and contacted someone in belleville. oddly enough between the time i first contacted her and the time i followed up with my due date and other info, the woman had had a major change in circumstances (moving) and was no longer able to provide the service. this was disappointing since i was pretty confident that we wanted to exercise this option. she offered to teach me, but i knew that i would not have the time or ability to encapsulate my own placenta after giving birth. after watching a few videos online, i asked shannon as one of my two doulas if she'd be willing to give it a try. b and i weren't sure if she'd want to do it since she's a vegetarian and doesn't like touching meat, but we rationalized that nothing died to produce this bit of flesh, so perhaps she might be willing. she took some time to consider it and do some research of her own, chatted with rach, then announced that she'd do it! in fact, they'd team up.

on the first day of my labour, shannon arrived at the hospital with cooler in hand to take home the precious specimen. she asked my nurse if there was any kind of protocol for taking it, and was told that we'd have to sign something (but in the end we didn't, they just gave it to her).

while i was recovering at KGH, shanno and rach were at work lovingly cleaning, cooking, dehydrating, grinding and encapsulating my placenta, and arrived back at the hospital with over 150 little vitamins made specially for me. the process involved boiling it with lemon and ginger, and as a result the little pills smelled amazing!

for the first two weeks i had two 3 times a day, and since then i've been taking two once a day. my first five weeks of being a parent has been amazing and positive. i avoided ANY emotional or hormonal crying fits (or any fits at all). i've had energy. my body has healed fast. my baby has been breast-feeding like a champ. i've been very happy, fully enjoying this new chapter of my life. and while i'm sure prayer has been a big factor in this, i also believe my placenta pills have been a major answer to prayer. the day i switched from six a day to two a day, i noticed a significant difference and it was definitely my most challenging day as a mother – more taxing.

and so... if you are a woman who may have a baby in the future...
or you know someone who may have a baby...

please tell them "i know this girl who encapsulated her placenta and just swears by it".

it's really not gross. it's from my own body. just like my baby is. sure, i'm not eating him, but i kiss him and think he's great. my placenta is great too, in a different way. the fact that we find it gross at first is just cultural. we're not used to it. it's no more weird than eating beef or pork.

i really could not speak more highly of this option. and while i think it's legitimate for people to opt out, i really think it's important for everyone to know about it so they don't miss out if they would've benefited from it. so please help me spread the word! :D

give thanks and praise to the lord and i will feel all right.

mosquito bites

you know what's weird?

breast pads.

not that they exist, but that i had no idea that they existed. i'd heard of them, but now that i use them, i'm shocked to discover that there's a whole industry of breast pads out there with different brands and styles. they're similar to menstrual pads in variety and target audience. i'm just amused and surprised that something of this sort existed and i was oblivious.

i'm not a very skilled out-loud reader. it makes me uncomfortable and i tend to throw in extra words because it seems i find it easier just guessing at what i'm reading rather than simply reading it. a few days ago, a lady at the health unit was encouraging us to read to éamon. she gave us a book or two. they're very short and i find them a little pointless. so i've started just reading my own book to him out-loud. the added bonus to this is that i pay attention better to the plot and it takes my mind off other things. i'm hoping that with practice, i'll improve. i find it quite poor that i've reached adulthood without mastering this skill. but i suppose people avoid the things they're not good at.

this afternoon i was quite upset with brendan's employees. he keeps having to cover their shifts at work because for one reason or another they don't show up. i spent a portion of the afternoon crafting a speech to them – imagining what i'd say if they were my employees. i was especially mad because there were things i needed to do around the house and needed b's help with because i'm not able to tend to a baby at the same time. eventually i started reading my book instead, it helped pre-occupy me. sometimes i think people don't know the difference between "can't" and "choosing not to".

just like children sleepin'
we could dream this night away.

midsummer

there was a security breech on my debit card and i had to change my pin number. i've had the same pin since i was 11 or 12 years old. i get attached to things like that. or maybe it's just hard for me to break a habit, worrying that i'll revert back to my old number.

things around the exile are good. while we don't have a routine, we have a pretty consistent rhythm. the days come and go within that natural rhythm, and i find that this new pace of life suits me just fine. the only challenge i have right now is switching the clothes in my drawers and closet back to my regular clothes. i just don't seem to have time for that, and so the boxes of clothes keep piling up.

since everything else is going so well, i feel oddly scrutinized. occasionally i'll come across someone who asks probing questions as though trying to find our achilles heel. everything is going well, we have our rough spots, but they are few and far between. even so, i kind of feel that i have to hide our rough spots so that inquiring people won't grab on to them like a dog with a bone and make a much bigger deal about them. it makes me feel defensive or protective. maybe it's because its all about perspective, and i don't want someone else getting in my head and messing with my perspective.

i'm ridding all your stories.

come by

the last few days have been filled with two main special activities.

1) the sheep dog trials

i don't know much about sheep dogging, and what i know is from the movie babe. but whenever i hear of the sheep dog trials in kingston, i always want to go, but unfortunately it always falls on the same day as the wolfe island music festival. but this year i discovered that they have events on the friday as well, so i wanted to take advantage of my unemployed state and go! i wasn't sure how éam and i was going to get there since i still can't drive and he needs to go in his carseat (with is firmly fixed in our car), but thankfully brendan got the afternoon off from work so we were all free to go. it was really fun. i would have to say that sheep dog trials are a new favourite sport of mine – partly because it seems more like an art form than a sport.

2) wolfe island music festival

even though three of the performers we were most keen to see were scheduled to play on the friday night (simultaneously at different venues), we still wanted to go. we wanted to take our tiny sidekick to the festival this year. i'd seen it done before and knew we could do it. the weather was perfect and we had a nice time with beckie, matt and ben (who was the MC). éamon did remarkably well, we were really proud of him. he was the youngest person there, but was in good company with lots of babies, toddlers and kids. in fact, this year seemed to have the greatest mix of diversity with lots of older people and not just students. while the music was alright, there was no clear stand-out that blew us away.

i'm pretty sure my family is using the word 'epic' out of context.

singing ha, ah la la la de day.

reunion

it's become apparent that i need to learn some assertiveness fast. it's not that i'm not assertive at all, but i'm really mostly just assertive with strangers. with friends, family and acquaintances, it's hard for me to express my desires and preferences because i want to be considerate of their preferences too. the problem is, that when it comes to my éamon, i can't let myself cave so easily. i find it pretty stressful when he starts crying while someone else is holding him. i don't mind if it lasts for a couple minutes, but when it last longer than five minutes and he's clearly not settling, it's hard for me to sit there watching and not step in. i find with other mothers especially, they're not alarmed by him fussing and enjoy him anyways. but i'd rather they just pass him back to me or brendan to soothe. basically, i need to find a polite way of asking for my baby back. when i let other people make decisions for him, i feel overlooked as his mom and then i get upset and start to shut down socially. what it comes down to is whether or not i feel empowered in my role as mama bear. i can't let other people make me feel insignificant because this is a special time in my life as i establish myself in this new identity.

life is full of unexpected learning curves.

to lead a better life I need my love to be here.

somersault

we drove past our old house on york street yesterday. our old landlord sold it within the last year, and my dad told me that the new owners had started major work on it. i told him "good, it needed serious work". our neighbours were interested in buying it, but i'd advised her against it since it was in need of serious repairs. that said, we were still surprised when we drove past it yesterday to see that it had been completely gutted and all that remained was the wood frame. it was kind of bittersweet. sweet because i feel that house deserves some TLC, but bitter that the home we knew and loved is gone, we can never return there again to see the secret spot in the closest where i'd written our names and the date. my maxi pad is no more.

shine until tomorrow,
let it be.

barber

spending my days with a newborn baby is both predictable and unpredictable. while each day is similar to the last, éamon mixes things up from time to time. he's a really pleasant baby, so when on the odd occasion he's having a rough day, i'm a little thrown off. yesterday afternoon he wouldn't sleep, and instead just cried and cried. he did eventually settle, but it was early evening by then, and long past the window of opportunity for me to have a short nap. when these hard moments come up, i really try to focus on the fact that i love him. when i tell him "i love you" i find that it makes me feel more loving and reduces any frustration i'm feeling. words really inform my feelings and attitudes, and it's within my ability to control my response to him. he's just a little baby, and we're both still figuring things out. this afternoon, we were jammin' with bob marley. éam really seemed to like my singing :) i should've tried that yesterday.

brendan is a real wiz at settling him and rocking him to sleep. i'm really proud of him for mastering that. i'm also very thankful that one of us has that skill. sometimes it feels like breastfeeding is my solution for everything. b's a good dad.

i think i'll head to bed now. as much as i'd like to do other things around the house while i have some free time, i know that sleeping is good use of my time as well.

true love that now exist is the love i can't resist.

leak

éamon and i went for a walk to wallack's today. i wanted to see if they had any of those hand print moulds. they do, but i think i'll take a look at a few other stores, i wasn't 100% on the kind they had. anyways, after that errand, i wasn't quite ready to come home again, so i walked further down princess, and on the way back stopped in skeleton park. i sat on a bench while éamon slept peacefully. i just sat. after a while, i was struck by the realization that for perhaps the first time in my life (or at least the first time in my adult-life) i felt fully present. my mind seemed almost empty compared to normal. i just sat there peacefully without feeling rushed or being pre-occupied with plans, places or people. it was nice. i kind of hope this will become normal for me.

this afternoon i rearranged the couch in the den. i don't think brendan will like it, i'm not sure if i like it myself. it's got me thinking though about REALLY changing things up in here. not just moving the couch. it's an exciting thought, i find it very satisfying to improve the use of space in a room, and the den is probably the only room i didn't modify in preparation for having a baby.

i've read before that you can use a walnut to repair scratches in wood (floors or furniture). i just gave it a try and it worked perfectly! i bet b won't even notice the scratch, which is good because he's a bit anal about scratches on the floor. is there a nicer word for that than "anal"? i just mean that he's a little obsessed :p

we live our life for the ride.

ducks

éamon is two weeks old today and weighing in at 8lbs 7 oz. he's gaining fast and getting pretty chubby. he's one content little guy.

one of the things that i've been noticing about other parents, now that i'm a parent myself, is that many folks (not all) seem to be under the impression that everyone else's parenting experience is or will be the same as theirs – for example, if their baby is a light sleeper, they assume my baby is a light sleeper. as a result, i'm hearing about all sorts of different stories that contradict each other. and more specifically, i'm hearing all sorts of advise/sympathy for scenarios that i don't find myself in. it makes sense really, because every baby is different (even from siblings) and every parent is different (even from baby to baby). i guess i'm just surprised that some folks are under the impression that what worked or didn't work for them would automatically be the case for us as well. thankfully, parenting (just like life in general) is full of different possibilities, which i like.

yesterday b, éamon and i took a road trip to westport for the afternoon. we walked around, got ice cream, sat in the park, window shopped, bought some fudge, then headed home. it was a really nice day for a drive, and éamon did so well in the car.

so far our transition from being a childless couple into being a trio has gone really smoothly. we feel like éamon has fit into our life together perfectly. someone commented to us the other day "life around your house must have really changed", and we were surprised to realize that we can't think of one single thing that is different than before. it's nice! we do have a really easy going baby, so i'm sure that's really helped.

and it calms me down.