the girl at work

once upon a time, i was an environmental technician at the hospital.

looking back i'd have to say that job made a significant impression during an impressionable time. i was fascinated by the hospital environment, but never felt so invisible in my life. it's one of those jobs that people need done, but don't really want or need to see the person doing it. so they look through you. you're just someone performing an invisible task, and not someone necessary for them directly. there was one patient who saw me, and would thank me every day when i emptied her trash. that made me feel a little uncomfortable because i did it because it was my job, and no other reason. but now i understand that it was her way of acknowledging me. we have a new cleaner at work. up until now, we had night cleaners. but they've hired this girl, who cleans during the day (if i had to guess, i'd say they did this because it's cheaper). she looks to be in her mid-20s. i realize that i might be projecting, but she looks like she feels invisible - the insignificant person performing an invisible task. so i've been trying to make eye contact with her, which is tricky because she keeps her eyes down. but i'm trying. because i know that she's no less important than anyone else there, and i want her to know that i see her. that she's not actually invisible, even if she feels awkward cleaning up after people while they sit around typing.

peach fuzz

brendan's nana is in her mid-80s. she has glaucoma and mac-degen – so is nearly blind. she can't really see faces. tonight, at an early family easter gathering, she asked him "brendan, do you have a beard? good for you!". she was really impressed that he was able to grow a beard. the rest of us, just looked at each other and tried not to giggle.

he's had a beard for 8.5 years and we see her fairly reguarly.

layers

i've been thinking lately about weight. one's weight in general. i've observed, both my own experience, and that of other people, that it's extremely different to lose weight without gaining it back. i'm not entirely sure if it's physiological or if it's the result of a person's behaviours and habits.

i have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. i am both disappointed about this, and indifferent. i really don't think i could've or should've done anything differently to lose that weight. upon reflection, i know that i did not have good eating habits during my pregnancy because i thought i would easily lose weight from breast-feeding. i think i've lost all my pregnancy-related weight, but haven't lost the extra weight i gained from having no self-discipline. my current eating habits are good, or at least mostly on-track. so there's part of me that feels i should just accept my body as it is, and just dress accordingly. get rid of all my smaller clothes that i've been hanging on to, and yada yada yada. it's tricky because it's hard to know if that's "loving my post baby body" or just giving up.

oddly enough, i haven't come across any articles or blog entries about women who are dissatisfied with their bodies after baby. i've heard some women share about disappointments about specific body parts, but no one has expressly said they are struggling to come to terms with their new shape. maybe i'm the only one. or maybe women just don't talk about it.

i wish i was one of those women would could be in awe of her body – amazed by what it did. instead, because of my c-section, i feel miffed that my body failed to perform. it literally couldn't (whether it was external or internal factors, we won't know til i try to birth again) do the job it's meant to do. so i'm left feeling let down AND bulky.

there's a few other girls at work who have had babies in recent years, and they may be 10 sizes smaller than me. i know everyone has a different body type, but it just reminds me that other people return to normal and i haven't.

i just want to be comfortable and at ease in my body. i wonder if that will ever happen.

many many decades

my dad turned 70 today.

which is kind of crazy. he's starting to look his age. and he keeps falling down (sometimes because of ice, and sometimes because his legs give out). he's need dealing with shingles for a couple months now, but are finally starting to go. he's also lost a lot of weight and is looking frail.

it's interesting seeing your parents age. all things considered, he's doing very well. he is managing his dialysis very well, especially considering it's self-administered. he also does a good job at trying to stay positive.

i was born when my parents were in their early to mid-30s, but only because aware of their age during their 40, which seemed really old back then. it's kind of strange to think those younger versions of them are gone, and they're only going to get older and more frail. i feel a little bit like society does not teach us how to care of elderly parents. but i want to figure out how to do that well, with patience, sympathy and appreciation. because i do appreciate them both.

my best impersonation

i would say, one of the biggest misconceptions about me is that i'm an organized person. i am not. i'm actually quite disorganized and i have to make a great deal of effort to pay attention to details. i make this effort because i get overwhelmed easily and i wear regret like an itchy sweater.

no where is it more evident how unattentive i am to detail is when i'm knitting/crocheting or cooking/baking. in both cases i either don't pay close enough attention or make incorrect assumptions while ignoring the instructions. then i must improvise to correct my mistakes, which sometimes works out, but often times it doesn't (such as our supper tonight).

there are also more important goof-ups. like forgetting to book meeting space before sending an invitation for focus group sessions to 450 people. then scrambling to find available space. or arriving over an hour late for dinner with a full belly to a friend's 30th birthday pizza party.

all that said, i feel like there is a limit to how much to blame i am for my oversights. and i draw the line at buying expired milk at the store. there are a lot of details in the life that i struggle to stay on top of. so if i decide that it's reasonable to trust that a store is not selling sour milk and don't bother to double check the best before date, i'm not going to accept fault for that.

truth be told, i noticed upon arriving home that the best before date was three days ago, but i thought i would improvise and taste it anyway. eamon had been waiting for some homo milk since the previous evening, and i'd made a special stop to pick that up for him. not surprisingly it was indeed past its best.

to add insult to injury, when i drove back to the store to exchange it today, i neglected to ensure that the carton was in a non-spillable position. and as a result of THAT oversight, sour milk leaked all over the passenger seat in my car. 

catch up

that stomach bug really disrupted my good habits. i haven't been eating well. i haven't been writing daily. i haven't been doing my lenten readings. i've been wasting time online. i think it's time to hit the figurative reset button.

SO, let me get caught up.
last thursday...i finished "the women's room". i really enjoyed it. it gave me great pleasure to read about women. even if it was a specific kind of women, and not a particularly diverse selection.

on friday, i took my dad out for dinner to swiss chalet. it's his favourite restaurant. afterwards we went to value village and costco. we had a nice time, and it was the first time that eamon showed excitement in seeing him. my dad turns 70 this friday, and is really looking his age.

on saturday, i decided i wanted brendan, eamon and i to go out to the golden rooster for lunch. during the winter, we've been real home-bodies and i've been starting to develop cabin fever. it was nice to go out and do something normal again. eamon ate really well both at both the golden rooster and swiss chalet (he didn't throw anything or make a big fuss). so i'm encouraged that he'll be alright when we're in the UK.

sunday was a nice slow day at home in sweatpants.

we're leaving for london in two weeks, which feels nutty. last night we set-up eamon's peapod (sleeping tent) inside his crib so he could start getting used to sleeping in it. it was touch and go at first. he was super disoriented and kept waking up and crying. but it made me glad that we're climatising him to it now. eventually he slept alright. i look forward to him getting use to it. it will be so much easier taking that places for him to sleep in, rather than a pack and play.

vinegar

i had this super weird interaction with a stranger today at david's tea. she came up to me and asked me about my stroller. this is not uncommon. for some reason lots of people are interested in it and where i got it, etc. she specifically asked me how much it was (not something anyone has come right out and asked me before), so i told her, and explained about the extra features we got to convert it from a bike trailer into a stroller. she listened and nodded. then eventually she said "i just got a bike trailer at target for $38". not knowing what else to say i responded "wow!" and was sincere about it because that's undoubtedly a bargin. but then had nothing else to say. the lady said nothing else, and walked away.

i felt funny about the interaction, but tried to act normal and friendly when i passed her on my way out the door. but ended up concluding that she purposely came up to me, a complete stranger, to brag about the price she paid for her trailer after specifically checking to make sure i paid more than she did. i felt dumb, but i also felt cheated because i was just being a friendly fellow-mom, and she was setting me up for a competition. i don't partake in "the mommy wars" so i'm not accustomed to that.

part of me feels justified in feeling mad and taken-advantage of. but another part of me feels sorry for her, because she clearly doesn't know how to interact with other people.

tickle

thank goodness, i seem to be feeling better. last evening i did not develop my usual stomach cramps and abdominal pains. phew!

i might be developing a cold now, but that is ok with me. i'd rather have a cold. my left nostril has been super itchy since 3 this morning. i can't tell if it's just that i'm coming down with something, or if its possible that a small spider has crawled up my nasal cavity. is that possible? i don't see why not.

today is one of those days*, so i'm going to have to pull together all my resolve to make the best of it. this is the day i have to work with, so i'm gonna make it my beast of burden.

---

*when i (deeply) wish that my time was my own to spend with my toddler.

that guy

i sure like being married to brendan.

i think he's super smart.

i like watching the beatles anthology with him.

and, i like how nerdy he is about music history.

i can't imagine him with someone his own age.

i don't think many girls his age would 'get' him.

we're really, very well suited.

ironically, as i write this, he's inexplicably listening to "party in the USA".

stupid intestinal bug

so i'm still struggling with bouts of stomach cramps, etc after a week of on and off symptoms. but i'm feeling encouraged because i looked up 'enteric' symptoms, and it said that symptoms can last up to 10 days AND that vomiting is rare (the guys vomited, but i didn't and i was a little confused about that). it seems to me (if the internet can be relied on as good medical advise) that come wednesday, if i'm not fully recovered i should see my doctor and get some antibiotics. hopefully that won't be necessary. i've identified two things to be true...

1) lying down, completely still seems to help my abdominal pains pass

2) i feel the worst after 4. i can go all day feeling alright, but when late afternoon comes i start to feel sick again.

i'm gonna go to bed now and lie still.

storytime

lately i've been second-guessing myself. usually i have good ideas about things, or come up with decent plans, but in the last week or so, my ideas have not been so good or at least are not air-tight. on the bright side, i have brendan who can think about my ideas and tell me if they're bad or decent. 

all that said, things are starting to come together for our trip. it's hard to know what to expect with a toddler, but i'm sure it will be an adventure.

clear the air

there's a man at work this week, visiting from another site apparently, who's sitting in the cubicle beside me. although we're 4 feet apart, and there is a glass barrier between us, i can smell his breath. it's just awful. it seems to fill the air around us, and i can tell you... he needs to floss :S

mother down

i've been MIA lately because i was taken down by a stomach bug that was working its way thru our trio - first eamon, then brendan, lastly me. the guys both vomited, and i didn't. but i feel like mine was bad because it coincided with the arrival of menstrual cramps. anyway, it seems to be gone now, but our appetites having been slow in returning. i mostly feel like i've been kicked in the stomach, which really doesn't make me want to eat.

timing

last night was unpleasant. between me sleeping restlessly, éamon waking and fussing more than usual, and brendan getting up to vomit repeatedly, the whole thing just dragged out.

on another note, sometimes it's hard to please everyone. and while i'm not a people pleaser, it's hard for me to juggle everyone else's preferences when there are reasons outside my control for things unfolding as they do. ugh.

warm

i had two unexpected highlights today.

1) while enjoying a sunny walk with éamon (who was in the backpack carrier), i slipped on some slush and a man who was passing me in the opposite direction managed to grab my hand and help keep me from falling over at the last second. i was nearly on the ground and éamon was calling out in fear, when he caught hold of me. it was a very kind and neighbourly thing to do.

2) scarlete popped in with tala for a quick hello, which turned into a cup of tea. it was nice to catch up, even if just briefly.

hometown

i looked up my grandparents old house on google streetview today. they lived in a small town on the irish sea called st-annes-on-sea. i'm very fond of that town. it's small, and slow paced, but i feel so warmly towards it. sometimes i think about how i'll never again get to go back to that house on gisburn ave, and smell that distinct grandma's house smell. and it makes me sad. i wish we'd lived closer to them. i didn't know my dad's parents, so i really missed out in the grandparent area. i'm really thankful that we live close to our family, and that we get to spend time with our nieces and nephews regularly, and that éamon will know his cousins and grandparents well.

we're going st annes when we're in the UK. i'm excited to return there and to show brendan my home-away-from-home.

things

despite the fact that éamon was vomiting in the night and we went through 3 bed sheets and 4 pairs of pjs, i had a really nice weekend. it seemed to be the right mix of socializing and home-time.

i've been feeling a bit sick to my stomach since the first whiff of his barf, but thankfully i haven't thrown up myself. i spent much of the day with him sitting on my lap while i checked out different hotels in london. we're leaving in less than a month and all the good family-friendly hostels are booked up :S i enjoyed his cuddles. it was a nice change of pace. i don't get to cuddle with him like that as often how that he's a busy, on-the-go toddler.

soothe

i've re-picked up yoga this week on the evenings that brendan works late. it's odd, because i used attend a yoga class every week, but haven't done it since i was pregnant. it's like i even forgot about it. but i concluded that i needed to find a productive way to relax rather than just sitting on my butt (which i do all day anyway). since it's been a while, and i specifically wanted it to help me relax, i found a low-impact 30 minute video that i really like. my body feels good and i feel much more peaceful. this is good. i feel like i'm on the right track.

i'm always feeling like things have turned a corner and i don't feel so overwhelmed by éamon anymore. i THINK it's that he's a little more focused in his exploration, but it might also be that i've adjusted. maybe it's a bit of both.

left and leaving

i super, SUPER hate leaving my crying baby in the morning to go to work.
i hate that i can't stay with him.
i hate that i have to turn and walk away.
i hate that it looks (to him) like i'm choosing something else.
i hate that it's sending the opposite message to what i want to send (one of comfort, care and presence).
i hate that i'm leaving someone i love to go to something that i'm pretty indifferent to.

i remind myself that it won't always be like this. that a time will come when i can stay with him.
but it sucks right now.

supercontinental

i've noticed lately that i've been missing a real sense of restfulness. that's probably the thing i miss most from mat leave. i'd already starting thinking on ways to incorporate rest back into my life when my mom made a comment about her own life "i've become a real slave to my lists. i'm trying to go off list more often". i've too have been using lists a lot lately, in an attempt to help me be productive and effective with my non-work time. but i can see how i'm becoming too rigid and disapproving of myself for napping and doing other restful things. so enough of that. time to find more balance.

delightful

today might have been the first time i've felt like myself all winter. it was my half day today, which allowed me to have a visit with my mom, pick up some lunch on the way home, eat lunch with brendan, have some nice momma+baby time while putting éamon to sleep for his nap, followed by a couple hours of reading on the couch. i had another quick visit with brendan while he came home between the end of work and an evening staff meeting, went for a walk with éamon, picked up a few items from a few stores, grabbed a latte from DT, and had some delicious leftovers for dinner. all the while feeling positive and mentally-healthy.

heathrow

just booked our trip to the UK! we wanted to go in may, but everyone at work had already booked their vacation in may and the end of april. so we're going in early april (5ish weeks!). that'll come fast. so we're suddenly in vacation planning mode :) it's a little stressful but i'll be fun.

taxes

sometimes i'm not great with my spare time. it's unusual for me to have a sunday where we don't have anything on. an unfortunately, i found that i didn't really know what to do with myself. sad really. i think it was partly the weather, and partly that it took éamon two hours to fall asleep for his nap, so i did my free-time activities while he was still awake.

i guess that just happens. sometimes i just get restless and can't identify what it is that would that i should do.