parenting-fail

so last night was a complete gong show over at our place. i feel emotionally hung-over. 

it's not that i got a spotty night of sleep, which was basically a series of cat naps between chaotic episodes, it was the trauma of letting my kid cry thinking he would settle himself, and only cluing much later than he was in pain. about 5 or 6 hours into the night with him crying unconsolably, i noticed eamon grabbing at his foot, and realized that he was probably having growing pains. i used to get them frequently when i was a kid, always at night. 

i'm troubled by our response. i'm troubled about the pressure we felt because we had to get up to go to work in the morning. i'm troubled that i got to work late (that always starts my day off badly). i'm troubled that brendan and i were snappy with each other. i'm troubled that i felt unloving towards eamon this morning. he's just a little kid, and it's external factors (such as work, and neighbours) that caused my negative feelings and response. 

there are times when i feel so ill-prepared and un-motherly that i question my suitability for this venture. my drive into work this morning consisted of me mentally begging for a quick recovery and to feel okay again. for balanced to be restored and to not feel buried in an avalanche of woes.