the times they are a-changin' (still)

when it comes to public votes, sometimes I get excited about the outcome I didn't want. maybe excited isn't the right word. it's probably more curiosity.

both with the quebec and Scottish referendums, I wanted both to stay, but was curious about how things would unfold if they didn't. I have never witness the outcome of such a decision before, and wonder what would it look like.

even with trump, I SUPER don't want him to win, but there is part of me that is intrigued to see just how bad things would get (and maybe just how right, the anti-trump people are).

I think I would've voted to stay in, if I was a Briton. already, just hours after the announcement, there have been a chain of negative things (british pound at 31 year low, PM resigns, and trump is saying it's a good move). I'm pretty sure that Scotland is going to have a second referendum and leave the UK so it can rejoin the EU.

the world is changing. and not for the better. things are getting very unstable.

thankfully, I don't feel bleak for my sons. I don't feel concern or regret about the world they will grow up in. I dunno, maybe that's because I think things have been worse before, and people got through it (at least those who didn't die from starvation, war or genocide). it's a different world than it was 10 or 20 years ago for sure, and we don't really know how to navigate it or what trouble will find us. but i think this is where resilience is important. I often pray for resilience for them. my dad is one of the most resilient people I know (often to the frustration of my mom who has wanted to see him suffer and grovel because of their failed marriage). I hope they take after him in that way.

regarding the EU, it will be very interesting to say the least.

taboo

i would like to break the silence about pregnancy hemorrhoids. apparently they are VERY common, but i have NEVER heard ANYONE talk about them. sure, it's embarrassing, and very personal, but i'm in so much friggin pain and discomfort, that i've got to talk about it.

it's almost ridiculous how painful this is, and nothing is helping. it makes me almost sad.

i've read that they should just go away on their own after the baby is born, but i'm 30 weeks. i'm looking at 10+ weeks of butt pain.

this sucks.

otherwise my pregnancy is been going well and i don't have other complaints.

thank you for being a friend...

I'm in Montreal for work and in my hotel room watching golden girls. it makes me wish my mom lived with 3 old lady friends.

Sent from my iPod

choices we make

after an interaction with a very negative person today, i concluded something. it's not that life is too short to be negative, it's more that life is full of lots of crappy and terrible stuff, and i think it's worth looking for the positive whenever possible. AND to keep perspective. some of the stuff people complain about is not very important in the grand scheme of things.

i dunno. global news has been bleak this week. and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful despite everything. the last thing i need is to hear someone complain about salad dressing.

discomfort that brings comfort

i've been having a lot of heartburn lately. it wakes me up in the night.

i have to pee almost constantly. that also wakes me up.

and i get leg cramps when I'm sleeping. (basically, I'm up at least 4 times a night)

I also feel tired a lot, and I can't really pick up eamon anymore because I don't have the energy.

but I'm also 29 weeks pregnant, and I know these ailments will be gone soon enough. they're just temporary, and I'm finding them easier to manage than last time.

I also have a very sore pelvis, which I've discovered is the ligaments in my pubic bone expanding. even though it's sore (and an ice pack only gives temporary relief), I'm very excited about it. unlike my other discomforts, this one is not familiar to me. I did not experience this with eamon. I'm hoping that this means that my body is preparing and adjusting to accommodate my baby's exit.

a few months ago, I actually came across a video explaining this pelvic soreness, and at the time, my heart sank a bit because I knew this had not happened with my first pregnancy. I didn't know the discomfort they were talking about, and I wondered if there was a connection to eamon getting stuck. maybe my pelvis didn't expand as it should have. I'm looking forward to seeing my chiropractor next week to talk about this with her and see how my pelvis adjusts. I'm also seeing my midwife again, because I'm up to appointments every 2 weeks :)

it's fun how much quicker things go the second time.

passing

the road to work has been torn-up and they're laying new gravel. this struck me odd, because they just did that a few years ago. until I remembered that I've worked at BT for 13 years, and it was very possibly10 years ago when they last paved taylor-kidd. odd how time just starts to blur together. I think after 6 years somewhere or doing something, time seems relative.

b and I have been married 6 years next weekend. I'm pretty sure it will all get blurry after this. at least we have "before kids" and "after kids" to help as a marker. but even that doesn't really help though.

ganniversary

even though our anniversary isn't for a few weeks, Brendan and I are going away for a mini-break. this is our first time away from eamon. he had a sleepover at nana and papa's house at new year's eve, but we were still at home. so this is a little different.

we're going to gan. neither of us have been there for along time (besides my annual trips to the casino with Shannon). but once upon a time, I used to live in gan. I was around eamon's age at the time. I have no memory of it. joy went to kindergarten there, and remembers that her teacher "hated" her (apparently she almost failed her), and she (joy, not the teacher) tripped on some uneven sidewalk and my dad got mad and was going to complain to the mayor. her second memory sounds much more likely.

anyway, I'm very excited. the B&B we booked looks really nifty. we haven't stayed at a B&B since our first wedding anniversary, and this is our sixth. i think this will be a double, or even triple treat (alone time, no parenting duties, staying at a B&B).

we're going to take hwy 2. I'm sure it will be a nice leisurely drive. ah! i can't wait. i should probably go get ready.

5 stars

at lunch, I finished the book "Middlesex". I would have to say, it was one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. the author (Jeffrey Eugenides) has only written 3 books, and this was the second of his that I've read. both books have kept me fully hooked until the very last line.

afterwards, I sat breathing, extremely satisfied and enriched. beautiful.

I can't help but wonder how much of the impact was due the fact that I'd read an actual paperback, and not on my e-reader. I have heard before that people absorb more with actual books than e-readers. I had noticed that it had been a while since I was really addicted to a book, but I think it was more the books I was reading than the method I was reading them with.

brendan came across a book review of a new novel called "the girls". it's coming out next week, and is expected to be the big summer read of 2016. he pre-ordered it, and I plan to read it after him. in the review, it compares the novel with the one Eugenides book I haven't read (the virgin suicides). at first I planned to read that as I waited for "the girls", but then I saw the other book this new book was compared to (a visit from the goon squad), and decided to read that instead. when I find an author I like, I kind of want to space out reading their books until I'm in the market for a good book but can't find one. they had a copy of "a visit from the good squad" at the kingscourt library so I got it out. I hope I enjoy it. the reviews are a little mixed on 'good reads'.

I'm definitely giving "Middlesex" 5 stars. I always reserve that rating for the books that make me feel deeply, that I crave reading, and will read at any available opportunity (while eating breakfast, while waiting at stoplights, while lying beside eamon as he watches "the elephant show" on youtube).

here's hoping my next book(s) will be as good. I'm on a bit of a book high right now, and I'd like to keep that going.

that guy

i don't know a lot about this stanford rape trial. part of me doesn't want to know. it was through my friend helen that I first heard about it, because she was sharing posts on facebook.

but I've been troubled by the parents, particularly the dad, who has minimized his son's rape of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, by calling it "20 minutes of action" and tried to convince the judge that this should not be allowed to ruin his son's life.

while I understand the parent's devout love and dedication to their son, I am troubled by the fact that they raise a son who would rape any women (conscious or not). I keep thinking of that campaign I saw a few years ago "don't be that guy". why did they not raise their son to not be 'that guy'! the very nature of his dad's defense of him shows some concerning entitlement issues. he wouldn't be in this situation if he had been a caring individual who would seek help for a women he found unconscious, rather than take the opportunity to penetrate her. it's super disturbing.

that's the thing about rapists. they're somebody's son. as obvious as that is, it only occurred to me a few years ago. nobody wants their kid to grow up to be that guy. it's sad and scary to think what kids can grow up to do. they have just as much potential to grow up to do harm as they have to grow up to do good. when people tell their kids "you can do anything when you grow up!" they don't seem to consider that.

smellies

perhaps this was the wrong assumption. but when i bought some pears soap, i just assumed it was going to smell like pears. that just seems like obvious branding reinforcement. instead, i'm not sure what the smell is. i really would've preferred a pear scent.

do-over

i've had a really bad day.

i just finished a good old-fashion cry fest.

i cried with frustration about the still broken washing machine.

i cried because this sort of thing always gets the better of me – for some reason washing machine leaks cause me a great deal of distress.

i cried because eamon refused to nap this afternoon, when my anxiety levels were already high, and i was not at my best.

i cried because i parented really badly, and i felt so sad about how i treated him.

i cried because brendan and i fought.

i cried because when he tried to give me a break from eamon, i ended up feeling excluded, isolated and punished.

i cried because i went out and bought a new washing machine without discussing it with brendan.

i cried because i'd tried to talk about it with him several times, and there just wasn't a moment without distractions.

i cried because i keep speaking harshly this week, despite not wanting to, and i worry that i won't ever do better.

i cried out of fear and worry, regret and remorse.

i cried because i felt backed in a corner, like i had no options, and didn't feel safe.