do-over

i've had a really bad day.

i just finished a good old-fashion cry fest.

i cried with frustration about the still broken washing machine.

i cried because this sort of thing always gets the better of me – for some reason washing machine leaks cause me a great deal of distress.

i cried because eamon refused to nap this afternoon, when my anxiety levels were already high, and i was not at my best.

i cried because i parented really badly, and i felt so sad about how i treated him.

i cried because brendan and i fought.

i cried because when he tried to give me a break from eamon, i ended up feeling excluded, isolated and punished.

i cried because i went out and bought a new washing machine without discussing it with brendan.

i cried because i'd tried to talk about it with him several times, and there just wasn't a moment without distractions.

i cried because i keep speaking harshly this week, despite not wanting to, and i worry that i won't ever do better.

i cried out of fear and worry, regret and remorse.

i cried because i felt backed in a corner, like i had no options, and didn't feel safe.