suffragette

years ago i wrote an unpublished blog entry and submitted it to 'canada writes'. i'd pretty much forgotten about it until this evening. it took a little time, but i was able to find it, despite having sent it from my previous/maiden name email address. obviously, it wasn't selected. i think they were looking for blog post rants, rather than a 'slice of life'. i still like it – it's solid. in a way, one of my better entries. i'm most fond of my writing when it feels smokey, poetic and mysterious. infused with deep feeling.

my life is not very poetic these days.

it's raw, and somewhat superficial. it's baby spit-up, days without showering, and stepping on duplo while assisting my son with washing the scribbled marker off his dresser. it's breathing deep to keep my cool in the grocery store. it's buckling and unbuckling tykes into carseats. it's feeling badly that i don't have anything more interesting to talk about in conversation than 4-month sleep regression or what school to send my kid to. it's infrequent pelvic floor exercises and prunes. it's 2 am fights with my husband, falling sleep sitting upright, and having boobs too big to fit into my coat or several shirts.

my sense of self has been placed on the back burner. which concerns me, because i know how closely that and self-investment is tied with my satisfaction/contentment levels and overall happiness. i'm quite relational, and not being able to invest in my friendships and community relationships at the level i desire is hard and frustrating. partly because i feel like how much people reach out to me depends on my ability to reciprocate. and i'm unable to properly reciprocate at the moment, so it feels like my social sphere is getting smaller. incoming efforts are becoming fewer. i don't feel like i'm growing wild anymore. or at least at the moment.

if i could have it my way, we'd go on a trip somewhere fun – soon. anticipating a trip is always invigourating. and... i'd do something artistic and new shared with other people. and... brendan and i would have some good quality time together (where we get to talk as to people, and not comrades in arms). and... i'd have some soul refreshing laughter shared with people i love (preferably laughing til i cried or even threw up). i guess i'll just have to see what i can do about this list.

i thought the only lonely place was on the moon.