there was a time, when i had to be very conscious and intentional to live in the present. i made an effort to embrace life, and was mindful to do new things every month. i loved taking the chance to stop and reflect each year on what filled my year.

now i'm on the flip-side, where i am very immersed in the present and not much else fills my mind or time. i feel sometimes that this amount of present is pretty overwhelming. it would be nice to dream a little, and to have some space to reflect and ponder. life is very saturated at the moment.

i do get small breaks, tiny respites from time to time, but i generally i use them to sleep. for example, this afternoon, i had a nap on the couch during otis's nap. unbeknownst to me, brendan also laid down for a nap, leaving éamon on his own. he spent 2 hours in the living room, patiently waiting for someone to read him books, and attempting to read them himself <3

anyway... let me try to get back on track, and attempt to recall this year's most significant bits:

• in january, i started volunteering at next one day a week. otis would come with me, and i would juggle him and my duties there at the same time. i enjoyed having something concrete to do. tasks that gave me a more immediate sense of completion, than diaper changes and navigating a 3-year-old's tantrums.

• winter brought weekend boredom. what does one do on saturdays with a preschooler and a baby? well, we decided we would end our saturday activity drought by going out for lunch every saturday to various (and generally new) restaurants. it gave us something to look forward to, and only once was the service too slow that our children started to act-up.

• i had a nice little routine with my fellas – mondays we went to the library group, and fridays we went swimming. tuesdays gave me some downtime at home.

• in april, we went to mexico for a week, and had a fabulous time. by then, otis was sitting up on his own, and starting to get more engaged. our hotel/resort was ideal for a pair of backpackers with kids, and we had a fantastic time. éamon still talks about that trip with gratitude and wants to go back to 'mexico' again.

• in late spring, i felt more capable juggling my two boys on my own, so i reduced éamon's daycare schedule to two days a week, which gave us more time together. this generally went smoothly if i had monday activities planned. it generally went poorly when our summer tenant was around with her kid.

• we opted not to go away on summer vacation, since we didn't really know what our finances would look like come autumn. why? because i gave my resignation to bbd after 14 years there. that has been a very positive change. i have kind of missed the steady pay cheques, but have not missed the commute, the office environment, the boredom, the time away from my kids, etc.

• in september, éamon started school, and otis turned 1 year old. i've enjoyed walking éamon to school, and picking him up. that has really helped enlarge my worked and get to know people in our neighbourhood. otis started walking around 13.5 months, and i have loved, loved, LOVED it. watching otis grow into a toddler has been a joy. my two sons play together so wonderfully.

• also in september, i started officially working at next. (b likes to tease me that volunteering at a place, then telling them that you can't continue unless they pay you is one way to find a job) and i started providing after school care to 2 primary-aged kids. it's been fun developing a relationship with them, and seeing éamon with playmates.

• i feel like brendan and i are still finding our way with our new financial reality, as well as our current level of tiredness. but it helps knowing that this is just our phase of life, and both will be better in a few years' time.

• my time, energy, resources and interest level in self-care and relationship investing is not where i'd like it to be, but i try to cut myself some slack. i hope others do too.

this afternoon, brendan and i went to see the latest star wars film, and left out kids with b's parents. it felt really good to be out and do adult things. i realize that this time last year i was feeling pretty buried by the daily routine of parenting, so maybe it's just that time of year again. but i'm struggling to keep perspective of the best parts of this stage with my kids. i'm really loving 4.5, and i'm finding myself eagerly looking forward to otis being 4.5 and eamon being 7, so we can do stuff like go to museums, the movies, read novels and other kid stuff together. i think i'm just tired, and feeling tired of always navigating and negotiating life the hard way.

i really want to have some good perspective, and to really cherish all the stuff that i'll miss and remember fondly. but for now, i guess i'm too tired to fully appreciate the stuff i take for granted.

i guess i'm also disappointed because brendan's having second thoughts about us taking a trip to NYC with the fellas this summer. he doesn't quite feel up to it (having experienced our trip to the UK with a 20 month old). i don't want to rush this stage, but i want to live my own life too.

birthday eve

today is the eve of my 38th birthday.

it's funny to think of myself in my late 30s. time passes quickly.

we went out for lunch with my family today to bella bistro. afterwards, we drove past my childhood home, and showed it to éamon, since he was asking about it. it felt good to be there. like no time had passed. i think that's the thing about time. it seems to pass and not at the same time.

i'm not particularly thrilled about my new number, but ultimately, i'm happy with where i'm at with life. i have much to be grateful for, and i am. i kind of wish i had more time for loafing around, but really... the people i admire most in life are not people who waste time, but rather people who make the most of their time.

in recent months, in particular, i feel like i have tried my hand at several new experiences. things i've never done before. and while they have not been easy, i have benefited and learned new things. so i'm really grateful. doing new things has always given me lots of joy, so i'm glad that i'm continued to be stretched, and courageous enough to push myself outside my comfort zone.

so, thanks 37 for everything you gave me and taught me.

and here's to 38. to everything it brings and every new venture.

rose: this beautiful winter day that didn't feel too bad, when dressed appropriately.

thorn: having a bizarre conflict with someone i'm acquainted with about something we simply disagreed on. in the end, i think i could have been more initially convinced of her point of view if she had taken a different approach to explaining it in the first place. i was not meaning to be "disrespectful" with my actions (as she put it), but i recognize that i could have been more considerate of those impacted.

garlic

my life feels very full these days. not in a bad way, and not in a time-poor way. it's a pace that I can manage. it's a slow, consistent pace, and one that is energizing rather than exhausting. come evening, I have a short window of time, that (when I'm lucky) I get to sit by the fire with Brendan, watching our latest show on Netflix. that said, partly the reason my days feel full is because I've been working on a website for a friend, and it's been dragging out. so often times I need to use my spare evening time making progress with that. thankfully, it's not due to complications on my side, but rather because of changes or content on their side of things. 

anyway, this is the most full my life has ever felt. my time is pretty much all allocated. it feels that I am not able to connect with friends as much as I'd like. its not that I feel disconnected, because I don't particularly. we all have our own lives, and our own stuff going on. I'm hopeful that we will have more time for one another in the next season or stage of life. maybe it's because I do have relationships forming through my work life, and through my presence at eamon's school. maybe this is what makes me feel different than in the past, I was isolated in my workplace and had no natural forming relationships to make me feel grounded. 

rose: it was my turn to sleep in this morning, which is a rose in itself. but my favourite part was waking up to find my two sons wearing their capes and playing together in their bedroom :) seeing their blossoming relationship is so so so special.

thorn: we went to the fat goose sale today, and i didn't find anything to buy. i was disappointed, because i like to support local artists. but i find there just isn't a great price range. it's unusual to find something (that's not tiny) for less than $10, and i simply don't go to these things prepared to spend over $100.